AditiDraco95 from the forums here for review swap (from your status).
Oh this was such a beautiful piece! I loved it! You are right, this is most certainly a very creative story. I loved your whole plot concept of Snape looking into the Mirror and the fic being from Mirror Lily's POV. I kind of understood that when I read the story, but it got more clear after I read your A/N.
I absolutely loved the last sentence of Lily being his downfall, that is just so true be it in this story or canon, and excuse me while I cry a little =(
Ahem, coming back, I think you wrote this amazingly. Your descriptions were really good, and the entire narrative had this melancholic poetic feel to it that deeply touched me. I loved the idea of Snape asking for Lily's smile, it was so innocent and sweet. Oh unrequited love *cries*
Anyway, I loved your writing style. I didn't find any grammar errors. I think the whole piece flowed very smoothly. Over all, this made for such a touching intense read. I really really liked it.
Good job! 10/10
Happy Valentines review-a-thon!
P.S. I look forward to your review on either Betrayal or Moments of Perfection, since you seem to be such a skilled writer, it'd be great to know your opinion on my latest pieces! Thanks! Report Review
This is chilling, but in a good way!
I will admit that I though Lily was a ghost at first but then it stopped fitting together so I stopped trying to make it and just read the story. It was moving, but not in like a sad way, I felt more pity for him then I felt sad for him. I like how you showed Snape actually cared more for Lily then himself by showing James and Harry with her and he didn't get angry or anything, that I think is Snape, not the way many people portray him as someone who would rather Lily be sad with him then Happy with James.
After reading your authors note I went back through and everything made sense. The mirror of erised is a great idea for a story and I don't think I've read anything quite like this before. I think what makes it worse is the little lines of dialogue that you've got, Snapes thoughts. There just so well wrote and placed and I can't help but be affected by them and then I just feel really sorry for Snape.
This is a great one-shot and an awesome idea, you've wrote it amazingly so great job! :) Report Review
I love this, it's so unique! And so sad! I'm not a huge Snape fan and don't read him often but I do like the ones where you really get to see how much he loved Lily and you showed that really well.
I didn't have any trouble at all understanding what was going on once I got into the story and I realised it was Lily in the Mirror of Erised and I just kept thinking 'wow that's so awesome.' I would never have thought of anything like that.
The only thing that confused me after I read your author's note was what you said about the last line. So Snape is actually dreaming he's looking into the Mirror? What could Lily do to stop him coming back if she has to do whatever Snape thinks? Just a little confused by that.
Great story otherwise! Really imaginative. :)Author's Response: Thank you for the review :D
He's sort of dreaming, Lily thinks so because of such often visits to her. Lily could keep on dawning the realization on Snape that she is dead, and you can't wake up the dead, he has a life and he can't keep on dreaming. So continuesly proving that she isn't real, just an addiction?
:) Report Review
hi, i'm here for your review, i'm sorry for the delay, this time of year is always pretty hectic.
I will admit, i did not get the whole mirror of erised thing till you pointed it out at the end so i read it again and it fit perfectly. It is a very unique and different way to write and i love the originality!
This piece is really quite beautifully done and i love the imagery the way their stories seem to be in parallel universe's. I really liked Snape's pleading with the mirror Lily - look at me, stay with me. Oh man! I loved those lines, for me it really just pinpointed Snape's longing for her and then having the children come was absolutely lovely because it realy signified when their friendship was still pure and untainted. It makes sense why Snape would see that and worship that image almost because it was his innocence. It was still when it was just them and no one else, no James, no complications. Really wonderful and awesome. Seriously, l love this.
I dont' have much critique, this piece is great! the only thing i could say is the end lines about Snape dreaming and he needs to wake up now for it isn't reality. That part didn't work as well with me and i think it could have been worded differently to have more of an impact. It felt anti-climatical to me, slightly. I liked that she knew he couldn't keep dwelling on her and he needed to move on, but we know from canon that he never does. I feel, and this is my own personal opinion, it would have been just as strong, if not stronger, if you ended it with the italics 'i was his downfall, his last silent and only downfall.'
There was a couple parts in there too that the flow was disrupted a little just with some sentence structuring for example
I can notice the tears in his eyes form
I'd take out the CAN and you don't necessarily need the from his eyes bit either because everyone knows where tears come from, it's a bit redundent.
What does quenched lips actually mean? or trying to smile from quenched lips? To me, quench is to satisfy or to be reduced from an unsatisfying stimulus. By seeing her, would he need to try to smile with satisfied lips? I suppose if he realizes this is the mirror and not real than perhaps, but then you say this is sort of a dream he's having so would he think this is real and not have to try to smile? Gosh... i'm rambling, i'm sorry and i'm probably over thinking this but that sentence just seemed awkward to me and i'm trying to explain why :D Just make sure that each sentence you write means exactly what you mean it to say.
The only last bit of advice i'd give is to make it a little more obvious in your writing of what this is so you don't have to explain everything in the note. If you have to explain it than there is something in your writing that isn't getting through to the reader. They might feel cheated because they aren't figuring out the meaning themselves but rather being told. Or simply just say it's the mirror or erised in the note and donít explain the rest. I don't know, just my thoughts and don't think i don't like what i've read because i have, you've done such a great job with this. It's always good to try something new with your writing rather than sticking with what you are familiar with!
Overall though, this is a great piece, i really love it and i think it's so original and unique. Great job and thank you so much for requesting me Vivid!Author's Response: Thank you :) Report Review
The moment I start reading it I knew he was looking at the Mirror Of Erised. It just kind of 'clicks' to me.
Okay, so the way you made the story parallel universe is a very unique and fantastic way to write this story. I kind of like how you made the 'italicised' bit Snape's thoughts -scratch 'kind of like', I have decided that I love it- and made Lily's thought reflect on it.
This sentence: 'Iím his downfall. His last, silent and only downfall' is a very great sentence! I couldn't have asked for a much better sentence.
The way you conveyed the emotions in your story is really great. I really love this one-shot. Gosh, I'm very shocked on how amazing it is.
You're a fantastic writer,
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Thanks so much! :D Report Review
A really well written piece with a very unique and original story. I liked how Lily was the narrator, even though it was about what Snape saw in the mirror. It was very interesting how what he saw changed; originally them as children, but then Lily with James and Harry. Overall, a brilliantly written, emotional piece. Well done!Author's Response: Thank you! I was playing with what POV I should write it, and this suddenly came up! Thank you for a nice pleasant surprise! Report Review
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