Gah no. If hazel steals James... That's just WRONG. She's so weird and not James's type just NO.

10/10

Clea

Author's Response: i know, i completely hate her too, but hey, she's needed for the story line to go the way i planned...

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Hi-de-hi!

Just thought I'd pop in and say that I am loving this story at the moment *wipes tear from eye* but there are quite a few grammar mistakes, I don't want to sound mean here... But remember grasshopper!

-New speaker, new line.
eg.

"OH FOR GODS SAKE FRED. I WILL NOT PARTCIPATE IN FORNICATION WITH YOU" I yelled, causing the whole of the Gryffindor common room to stare in confusion. "WHAT?" fred yelled to the common room, "IS ALL OF THIS- he gestured to his body, "NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU ALL?!"


Should be,


"OH FOR GODS SAKE FRED. I WILL NOT PARTCIPATE IN FORNICATION WITH YOU" I yelled, causing the whole of the Gryffindor common room to stare in confusion.

"WHAT?" Fred yelled to the common room, "IS ALL OF THIS-" he gestured to his body, "NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU ALL?!"


-Always capitalize I. (You have done more capitalizing since Chapter 1, but there is still some way to go) and I'm and I'd, etc.

-Always capitalize the first letter of a sentence, even if it's speech and is continuing a conversation (it ties in with new speaker new line)
eg.


"but i-

"lets GO!" I said, before grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her into my room, "oh, night James, love you!" I yelled before slamming the door.

"why'd you drag me out of there?"

"like I said, early rise! So come on, put on your pjs, and lets sleep!"

"um, its still light outsi-


Should be,


"But I-"

"Lets GO!" I said, before grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her into my room, "Oh, night James, love you!" I yelled before slamming the door.

"Why'd you drag me out of there?"

"Like I said, early rise! So come on, put on your pjs, and lets sleep!"

"Um, its still light outsi-"


(remember speech marks, sometimes I've seen you forget, but it's no biggie)

Anyway grasshopper, great storyline so far - I love James II/OC stories. *Swoon* Hope I helped!

-Bunny
x x

Author's Response: Thanks a lot, that really helped, I'll take all that into account, it really helped, and good to know you're liking the story so far :) x

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Ahahahahahahaha it was JAMES. I like this story a lot though why didn't she smell James?!

10/10

Clea

Author's Response: Haha, well you'll find out why later on, when a lot more new characters will come in to play...

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Like this story so far! It's interesting to think of James in an indie rock way but I like it!

9/10

Clea

Author's Response: Thanks! i wanted to bring my personality in to it, as me and my friends are indie rock people, so i wanted to make it more personal, thanks again for the review :)

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This is awesome! There were a lot of grammar mistakes in the first chapter but you improved for this one. Aly is a great character. I hope you keep writing!

Author's Response: yay! my first review! and thanks so much! I made it my new years resolution to keep writing, im not gonna give up on this story, and thanks again, this means alot to me :D

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