This was an actually really good start - I like how Laura is sort of witty and sarcastic and funny all at the same time, a breath of fresh air after the usual quirky!OCs you see so often nowadays. I like how you made Rose not a Gryffindor or evil, and how Albus isn't perfect and how he and Scorpius aren't best friends and gosh, I could keep going all day at how refreshing this story is in general, so well done :)Author's Response: I'm glad that you liked this! I was definitely trying not to be cliche. And Laura really isn't quirky at all. I hadn't read tons of Next Gen before writing this, so maybe that has something to do with it not being overdone.
Thanks again for the review! Report Review
I like how you write from a Ravenclaw POV :)
I think it's nice to see that Albus and Rose have a different relationship here,
I still don't get why they hate each other (why Albus read Rose's diary, except I guess being a git, lol)
I think there's more to Al than what Laura observes, though.
Laura sounds a bit Slytherin to me hehe.
I really like Neel and Shreya as OC. They sound very interesting.
I hope you update soon.Author's Response: Hi!
I did want to try for different POVs, and Ravenclaw isn't always the one chosen.
There's a bit more to why Rose and Albus hate each other, but some of it is irrational. And Albus is generally annoying, which doesn't make Rose like him anymore.
Hmm, that's an interesting point. But Laura's not nearly as calculating or cold. It's more that she personally dislikes Albus--she doesn't feel that way about most people.
And thanks! I'll try to update. :D Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, finally here with your review! Sorry about the awful delay - I was away and wasn't really able to fill requests, but I'm back now! :) I'll try to make the wait worth it.
Quick note: a lot of the logged out reviews I left (when I went over the limit) were deleted. If you don't have the review saved, I can send it to you, because I type them up in a document first and have most of the reviews I write saved on my computer. :)
So, on with the review.
On the whole, I liked that you chose to open with Laura asking Neel to tutor her - you've given yourself enough time to firmly establish your world before really starting to delve into Laura and Neel, which at least thus far seems like it's ultimately going to be the central part of the story. In giving yourself that time, you've also given the reader (or at least, this reader) the chance to get to know Laura (and Neel, to some extent), so they're not just random OCs - they're distinct characters. I also think that taking much longer might have left the story feeling like it was moving too slowly, so that was good.
However, I did feel like the way you presented it was a little confusing, for two reasons. First, your description was a little unclear, so I had a hard time picturing what was going on - was she watching the entrance from the Ravenclaw table or outside the hall? A little more detail would have helped me to picture the scene better. Second, and more importantly, I didn't really understand Laura's logic. Why was it so important to talk to him before classes started? If she was worried about judgmental classmates, surely waiting until she saw him in Potions to ask for a word.
Now, if you'd said that she wanted to do it before she could chicken out, but didn't really want to ask him in front of his cousin, that would have made sense to me. As is, though, it seemed a little strange to me.
I also felt like you could have added in a little more detail about her emotions when she was talking to Neel. It came across to me as more "telling" than "showing," you know? Rather than say that she was inexplicably close to anger, I would have liked to to delve into her emotions and thought process a little more. That doesn't mean that I want a novel about it - just a little more build-up.
Other than that, though, the scene itself was good. His reaction was good - I felt like you managed to say a lot about what kind of person he is through his reaction to her request (that's actually a good example of you showing rather than telling). I also liked that you laid some groundwork by having her admit that she didn't really know why she was asking him, and I thought that once she admitted that she didn't want people to know, her feelings and thought process were both much easier to follow.
I also thought that you did a great job with the scene in the Common Room with Rose. You could have had a little more description, and I would have liked to know how Laura felt about avoiding the Great Hall (which probably had better but less easily transported food available than just a sandwich), but other than that, I felt like you did a great job portraying Laura and Rose's friendship. It felt really realistic to me - the melodrama over your crush choosing someone else, the inevitable irritation your friends feel because they have to deal with it, and the fact that people who are moping can usually stop moping for a bit once they're distracted by someone. Excellent job.
I also liked the letter Laura wrote to her grandmother. Her decision not to mention her struggles with Potions, in part because she was so embarrassed, was perfect. You worked the letter in quite well, and I ended up feeling like I learned a lot about Laura's relationship with her grandmother just from what she wrote, how she wrote it, and what she was thinking about at the time. It was really natural - again, great job. :)
Potions was a little more mixed. The jump from Laura going to sleep to her being in her last class of the day (I'm assuming the next day, but it's not really clear until later on) felt a little rough. I don't think that you needed to write at length about the day, but a paragraph or two quickly summarising it would have helped make the jump feel more natural. I also felt like you could have included a quick mention about some of the things from the previous chapter, especially whether Rose was continuing to mope and eat in the Common Room because of Scorpius.
Transition aside, the scene itself was good. You could have added in a little more detail here and there, particularly about Neel's reaction to Albus, and I also felt like you spent a bit more time on the New Marauders than you really needed to, but those are both very minor and as much just personal taste as anything else. Neel's assistance during Potions was handled perfectly, and I liked the way you started out their tutoring lessons.
On the whole, another good chapter! I'm continuing to really enjoy this story. I hope I was helpful, and feel free to rerequest! :)Author's Response: Hi! That's no problem at all. I'm sorry I took so long to respond, as well.
That's good to hear, I know that having 2 OCs can be a bit disorienting, which is why I took the time to introduce Laura and Neel.
I see your point, I will work to make the descriptions clearer. As for why Laura asks Neel early, she does it so that she doesn't lose courage to do so. I'll make that clearer though. Yes, in general I'll try to rework the emotions Laura is feeling so it's more showing.
I'm glad that you liked the scenes with Laura and Rose, and the letter. I think that they forward the story but also help to, maybe, characterize Laura more.
You're right, that jump is too quick. I was trying to avoid summary, but it really is rather abrupt. Hmm, yes, maybe adding in a reaction of Neel's would be better.
Thanks so much for the very long, and helpful review. I really appreciate the time you took to look at basically every aspect of this chapter and tell me, honestly, what was good and bad. Thanks for being such a wonderful reviewer!
Hello! This is Nymphie Tonks from the review battle once again!
I really adore next generation stories. The next generation kids allow writers the freedom to change up the characters however they please and itís always cool to find a new story where the characters are totally different. Like this one.
I really like how you have Rose much like her mother, but with her dadís temper. It really is a different view of Rose than I usually get. Sheís usually really sarcastic and pessimistic but in this, her character seems more open, seems much easier to get along with. She seems much more social and optimistic. She looks to the brighter side of things and I really think it makes her character much more realistic. I also love that you donít have Albus and her on good terms at all. Because classically, I think of Albus and Rose as best friends and in the same year. But here, you have them hate each other. It is a change and Iím excited to see how that really differentiates their characters from how Iím so accustomed to seeing them.
I also compliment you on the characterization of Laura. She is really relatable just because her thoughts are true. She doesnít try to hide behind the whole Ravenclaw title, admitting she could end up failing potions. It really puts that edge of doubt on her character that I think many people overlook when writing a Ravenclaw character. Because honestly, that edge of doubt is essential. Because in real life, itís the same way. I know Iím in a couple different Advanced Placement classes and I fear failing out of some of them just because they are so much more difficult. So I really like that edge you put on her character.
The only concern I have characterization wise is Noble, but I guess part of that has to do with the fact that while she was in this chapter, I didnít get to see much of her. But I just feel that her character seems to have a lot going for her, without any down falls. I wouldnít be too worried about this yet, as Iíve only read the first chapter; Iím sure itíll improve as time goes on. But something to think about, none-the-less.
Otherwise, Iím very excited to read more of this. I want to see how Laura and Neel being partners goes, as the first day was horrible. And Iím sure itís not about to get a whole lot betterÖ.
Great Job! I hope to be back to read more soon!
~GrimmerzAuthor's Response: Hi!
That's definitely how I feel about next gen stories, there's so much room for interpretation, but there's a canon structure to follow that gives some form.
Yep, Al and Rose don't get along well at all. I mean, they may be cousins, but I don't get along well with all of my cousins. It doesn't automatically mean best friends, like some people write.
Laura's feelings are somewhat based on one's I've had in school as well. I think that we can all relate to having difficulty learning at some point, even if we're good at hiding it.
There will be more of Professor Noble in the next chapter, which may help with your concerns.
I'm glad you enjoyed the story. I'd be happy to hear from you again! Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review!
First, can I just laugh? =P Hahahahahahahahahaha! Lol! the ending was SO funny! I know I sound pretty stupid right now but the way you wrote made me laugh out loud! That's why that the first thing I wrote here! Hahaha. Hahaha. Okay, I think I'm done now. Hahaha!
Anyway! Back to the beginning! I really like Neel! I think he's doing a pretty good job with tutoring and in my opinion the way he started was exactly what she needed. He's a pretty good teacher at that; he knows that he needs to see if she even has her basics correct. Also, the way he was so patient with her throughout was pretty admirable. I mean, I can't imagine anyone would spend so much time sitting with a person and watch them brew a potion that you know is very easy. It's not really wrong but maybe you could make him sit and do his own work along with helping her? That way, I think that you'll be able to add a bit more material to their scenes. It's just a piece of random advice so feel free to ignore =)
Well, the Scamandar twins are just as strange as they are imagined to be. I think that you did a pretty good job with both Lysander and Lorcan. They're just like they should be. The way Lysander discussed everything so casually was pretty interesting and fun to read. I enjoyed reading the entire conversation he had with Laura. Good job there.
The girls' night together was very fun! I think that you did a pretty good job with describing everything that the Ravenclaw girls talk about. The discussion was fun to read and as you already know I found the ending to be awesome. =P The tone of it all was light and fun. It was a really good end to the chapter.
I think that so far you're doing a good job with Laura's character. But i felt that while she was brewing her potion, she wasn't being very understanding. Maybe that's how you've made her but I just wanted her to be slightly more grateful you know? She should know that nobody sits with you so that you can learn potions while they have their own work to deal with. Just thought that she could've been more thankful. Anyway, this is only the start so I'm hoping that she'll realise that in the near future and be more understanding. =)
Great, fun chapter! Keep it up! =) I'm loving both your stories at the moment and can't seem to decide which one I like better. I think it's Vital. =P Okay, I think I'm done with this review now. Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! =DAuthor's Response: Hi!
Haha :D Well I'm glad the ending made you laugh. I know it was a bit ridiculous really, but in life those kinds of things tend to compound. I was thinking through this chapter and went "of course it has to be Scorpius" no other name would get enough of a reaction. Ha.
Oh- great idea! Neel really should be doing work or something. I imagine that Laura wouldn't really notice either. I liked having them chat too, because it shows that Laura isn't paying full attention to the potion, but yeah Neel might do something, or at least read...
Haha, yes, the twins are eccentric. I tried for a bit of Luna in each of them, but different aspects in each. Lysander definitely has the 'notice things' part of his mum.
I see your point about Laura being more grateful. I may put an extra line about that in somewhere. I see your point, but at the same time think that Laura was expecting more from this, and thinks what Neel has her doing is stupid. But what Neel is doing is generous, so I agree I'll have her say something. If not here than soon.
I'm glad you like this story too! It definitely is a lot lighter, especially compared to Vital. (Which, by the way, there is a new chapter of :D). Anyways, thanks so much for the review!! It's always great to hear from you. Report Review
Thanks for the updates! Please keep writing.Author's Response: I will! Thanks for the review! Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, finally here with your review!
I love rerequesters, so I'm very, very glad that you found my last review helpful enough to want another. :)
Once again, your mechanics were pretty much perfect, which is both rare and very refreshing; I'm always happy to help people with their mechanics, but filling review requests without having to get distracted by mechanics is much more relaxing and enjoyable for me.
So, on the subject of the actual story:
I loved your opening paragraph. So many people just buy into House stereotypes without adding any interest or depth to their characters, and I love that you haven't taken the easy way out while still showing some of the characteristics of the houses. Ditto when you picked back up on that theme later on in the story, when Neel and Laura are talking and he's teasing her about being a Ravenclaw. You're giving the Houses exactly as much attention as they deserve without going overboard, which is something that I've found a lot of authors have real trouble doing.
On the whole, I also thought that your characterization was good. Laura continued to be good - I'm really starting to get a sense of her personality, and I felt like she was much more distinctive this chapter than last chapter. I thought that she was probably strongest in the library and Potions scenes because it was there that I really started to understand how her mind works.
My only issue with her is that outside of those two scenes, you didn't show quite as much as I'd have liked about her feelings and thoughts. For example: Rose is her best friend, but you don't really show Laura having much of a reaction to Scorpius and his new girlfriend, or even to Rose's distress. Yes, she's concerned about her friend, but how does she feel? Does she think that Rose is being ridiculous because Scorpius doesn't know how she feels? Is she annoyed with Scorpius? I just wanted a little more thought from her at certain points.
Another was her reluctance to walk with Neel. The impression that I got was that she was very reluctant to walk with him, but I didn't really understand why. She just said that she wasn't really comfortable talking to him, even though he seemed like a decent guy. I didn't follow the train of thought, and I would have liked a bit of a better explanation of that, because as is it felt a little odd, especially since at the end of the chapter she thinks about Neel being her tutor.
Again, on the whole, she's done well - I just want a little more depth. :)
Other than that, I think you've done a great job. Neel's personality is certainly starting to come through, and I'm finding him very interesting. He feels pretty mellow to me, but not in a boring way - I'm interested to see more of him. I think that one of the best things about him is that he's really very likable - not to put your other characters down, but I think that of all of the supporting characters, he was the one I enjoyed reading about the most in this chapter.
I also thought that you did a nice job overall with Rose - her moping over Scorpius and the bit at the end where she refuses to say who's better than her at Potions fit perfectly with what you showed of her character last chapter. She's written so frequently that it can be hard to get away from a lot of the cliches, but I feel like you've really taken her and begun to make her your own. Excellent job.
Albus is definitely obnoxious, but you clearly intended for him to come across that way, and his personality certainly didn't strike me as unrealistic - I have (unfortunately) known people like that.
So, overall, a good chapter. However, I do want to mention a few things that logically just didn't make sense to me.
One of them was the Charles Dickens reference. I don't necessarily object to the idea of them reading muggle literature, but the way you handled it here seemed off to me, for a few reasons.
First, the way Laura refers to Dickens - "as classic as Dickens" - doesn't sound like a witch who grew up largely removed from the muggle community to me. The implies a lot of familiarity with the author, and I'm not even convinced that a muggleborn would have that, given that most of their education takes place at Hogwarts.
Second, while it's entirely possible that they read some muggle literature, the point of the class as I always understood it was to help witches and wizards understand the muggle world. Reading a muggle book that was written hundreds of years ago doesn't seem like it would further that understanding in any useful way, especially not for the amount of time it would take O.W.L. students to move through it (I'm assuming they read it as O.W.L. students, since she doesn't take it now).
(Character limit, see next review.)Author's Response: Wow, thanks so much for the long, long review :D I'm so sorry I didn't respond before now.
Yep, I definitely am trying not to make house stereotypes reality. It seems stupid, to me, to have every Ravenclaw be totally book obsessed.
Hmm, you make a good point about Laura's lack of reaction to Scorpius. I think there's a scene in the next chapter that goes into more detail on that, but I should add something here too, I suppose. But the gist is that she feels bad for Rose, then hopes Rose will get over it, after a while.
As for walking with Neel, I think that Laura is a bit introverted. She's not shy, per se, but she's not one to strike up conversation just for the sake of it. But again, I see this needs clarification in the actual chapter.
As for the other more minor characters, I mostly agree with what you've said about them. I'm glad you don't see Albus as too over the top--I too have known people who are that ridiculous.
You make a good point about how I worded the Dickens reference. I will have to think about how to fix that, since I don't want to delete it completely.
Thanks for the first half of this review :D I really appreciate all the time you took to write this, so far. Report Review
I have so many unanswered questions... But I suppose they'll be answered in the rest of the story. Really interesting and post soon!Author's Response: Thanks! I'm working on the next chapter now. If anything is unclear, let me know! Report Review
Hey! Apocalypse here with another review for you!
I loved the scene where she asked him for tutoring! It was very well written and the descriptions were perfect. The part where he agrees to her not being perfect in potions was really funny; I loved the way you described his sleepy expression and mentioned his rumpled hair. It gave me a very complete look and I had fun imagining the entire scenario.
Neel's character is really amazing! You've done a good job on him and I was really happy to see that he did not waste time thinking about her words and the consequences or anything but just agreed to help her straightaway. It shows how pure his heart is and gives a very good impression of him as student. I love the way he tries to help her in class especially exactly when she's about to mess up. The fact that he's following her every move and doing his work at the same time is amazing. He's so normal yet so brilliant, I love his entire personality.
Shreya! What is wrong with her?! She makes me annoyed by her dirty looks =P and I keep wondering if she a crush on her cousin. Hehe. Stupid, I know, but it's possible, right? =P
I really like the way you've made the Rose and Scorpius situation so different than usual. It's a very interesting take on their relationship and I can't wait to see how you carry it on. So far, it's going great and I love how Rose cannot even tolerate him seeing with another girl. I wonder if he knows she exists =P
I've noticed that for some reason, Albus is really important in this story and Laura seems to be observe him a lot even when she hates him. I wonder if there's ever going to be something between them.. Am I supposed to guess what your pairing is? Because at the moment, I have a feeling that the chances of Albus/Laura are more than Neel/Laura =D. Anyway, that's just my guess; I know you'll reveal it all pretty soon.
The part where she thinks about her family and writes the letter was a very nice to the chapter. It had a very nice feel and I was glad to see that you included some of Laura's family life into the story as well. Now her life and her character seems complete. I like how you've created the story about her father and it's quite interesting to see that her parents weren't married. I wonder if she'll ever get his name. And the even interesting part that you chose Roger Davies as her father. For some reason, I really liked that choice of yours. It shows how you're thinking out of the box and trying to incorporate more secondary characters into the story.
I really liked this chapter; it was written nicely and the descriptions were perfect! I've really started liking you writing style and your execution abilities =) Keep it up! I hope you like my reviews and until next time, good luck and happy writing! =DAuthor's Response: Hi!
Neel! It's bad, since I want to gush about him along with you. If only he was real... Anyways, it's not a good idea for an author to have a favorite character in that sense...or maybe it doesn't matter. Either way, I approve that you approve of Neel. :D
Haha, Shreya and Neel? I could see why you think that, but...I'm thinking no.
Rose and Scorpius remind me of so many crushes that I've seen before. One of them (the girl normally) is totally obsessed/possessive with no reason to be that extreme. There will definitely be more with them- or, at least more of Rose crushing on him...
Are you supposed to guess at the pairing? I don't know :D I can say that it is one of the two you listed though. There won't be any more major guy characters introduced any time soon, who sweep Laura off her feet. Anyways, I won't say anything else on this one. But feel free to keep speculating, it's very interesting to read what you think, and why. ^^
Also, Laura's family will a subplot. It's complicated, because of all the things you mentioned. And will definitely be expanded on, especially during the holidays...
Aww *blush* I'm really flattered that you like my writing! It makes me glad to hear that someone finds something I put time into worth reading, and beyond that, good. And I love your review! They are helpful, but also confidence boosting- in the right ratios of both. Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review!
I really liked this chapter! It was a very good chapter and an important one for your story seeing as adding even tiny details here and there has helped you to set the pace and start revealing your plot.
The best part about your story are the OCs, especially Laura and Neel. I really admire your skill with OCs, first Corinne and now Neel. I think you're doing a terrific job with his character. He's really nice and sweet and his character seems extremely genuine. Though I don't understand what the deal with his cousin is. It's almost like she's too possessive about him. Can't wait to read what she wants exactly.
Your description was both good in some parts but needed some attention in others. I think that it lacked description in the first scene where she's sitting in the library. It was hard for me to imagine who was where and how the entire scene was set up. I could understand what they were saying but just couldn't figure out what was happening generally.
The BEST described part was the rain. I was able to imagine myself in her place and the atmosphere that you created. The effects and the surroundings were perfect, the completed the picture of the whole rainy atmosphere and I loved it. Being a rain lover, I felt as happy as I usually feel when I'm in real rain. You were able to convey the general mood of the environment very well. It was written so well that it had different effects on everyone. Somebody who dislikes rain would felt their dislike and people who like would've liked the scene a lot. Both emotions were displayed excellently =D
I think that you've characterised Laura very well as well. Her thoughts are very fun to read and I like the fact that you've made her serious and funny at the same time. I've encountered many OCs of this era who are extremely sarcastic and do not have the balance to keep them real. Laura here is very genuine and she knows when to be serious and when to have fun. I really like her determined side. She's willing to set aside her pride and ask someone for tutoring which really admirable especially for a Ravenclaw. So really good job with her!
I think that they way you've characterised Albus is quite interesting. I'm not really a fan of reading as a wanna-be but you've pulled it off well and created his character in a good way. I just wish that there was something genuine about him too, you know? I mean, however famous you are or however famous you want to be, you do have something genuine inside you, right? One trait that's yours only? I hope you know what I mean.
Noble is again a very good character. The fact that she's very good at what she does is a very good way to contrast her with Laura. It shows why Laura feels the way she does; Noble is a classic teacher who's been created amazingly. Great job!
Hahaha! She's going to ask Neel! I can't wait to read how he'll react =P A very good and interesting chapter! =DAuthor's Response: Hello!
I'm glad that the characters (especially the OCs) seem genuine to you. And it's funny that you compare Neel to Corinne (thought I know why you do) because they're such, such different people.
Okay, I will try to get the location-descriptions to be more clear in the library. I think it might be confusing at times because so many people come in, and also because Laura doesn't see all the action, just hears some of it.
You liked the rain? :D That's good, I had fun describing that scene--I based parts of it off of real life, walking through the rain experiences, so maybe that's why you thought it was realistic. I'm not necessarily a rain-loving person, but I think it can be nice sometimes, so I guess I have to agree with your last bit about the scene- people who view rain differently view the scene differently.
I'm glad that you like Albus and Noble. I do see your point about Al though. And while Laura only sees the superficial parts of him, more will be discovered later.
Thanks for taking the time to review! I appreciate it! :D Report Review
great story! please update soon.Author's Response: Thanks! I will try to. Report Review
Is the romantic pairing Laura/Neel? Good job overall :)
CatAuthor's Response: Thanks, and I really cant say... Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your horribly delayed review!
I often start my reviews by going on about mechanics, but I'm not going to do that here, because I honestly have nothing to critique. You made great choices about where to summarize what was going on or what was being said and where to spell it out, which made this chapter flow really smoothly. You didn't go into heavy detail with descriptions, but you had enough that it didn't feel like you were giving them short shrift, either. Your dialogue also came across as very realistic and natural, which is something that I know a lot of people struggle with.
As far as characterisation goes, however, it was a bit more of a mixed bag. There were some parts that were great and some parts that I think you could have improved upon.
The main PoV. She's the most important one, isn't she?
And overall, I thought that you did a pretty good job with her. She comes across to me as very realistic: you've nicely avoided the stereotype of Ravenclaws being good at everything while still showing some of their pride in their intelligence (her reaction to the suggestion that she get a tutor). I'm not sure that I worded that quite right, but I hope the sentiment comes across. She also has clear reactions to the things going on around her - that probably sounds like a, "Well, duh, Beeezie, that's the point," but I've often found that authors will insert reactions that feel really disproportionate or confusing just to drag the plot along. That didn't happen here. Her reaction to having Professor Noble for Potions was perfect, as was her reaction to Rose's admitting that she likes Scorpius. She came across as very realistic.
My only issue with her was that she didn't really as distinctive to me as I would have liked, especially for the first chapter. She had a personality, but I didn't really see anything that made her pop and stand out. That's the only thing I would suggest you work on a bit, otherwise she's great!
I like Rose a lot. Initially, I was afraid that you were just making her Hermione 2.0, but as I read on, I definitely saw major differences between the two of them. I feel like you did a good job (or at least, you have so far) of walking the line between making her like her parents and making her her own person. On one hand, yes, she's clearly a bit of a bookworm. On the other, however, she's got a candidness and an openness about her that neither of her parents really did. There's a lot of depth to her that makes her a really interesting character to me. Thus far, this is probably one of the best Roses I've read, in fact!
My only issue with her was the extent to which she seems to hate Albus - I'm not saying it's wrong, because there's nothing that says that they have to like each other, but you'd sort of expect them to get along at least a little. I don't think that that's something you need to address immediately, but I hope it's coming in the next few chapters.
Her I liked a bit less than Laura and Rose. I felt like she was almost a bit of a caricature. That had less to do with her appearance and more to do with how nasty and petty you've depicted her as being - she puts me in mind of a good-looking female Snape, which I personally don't love for two reasons.
First, it means that she's not really her own character with her own depth. Snape's pettiness made sense. It was dumb, and it was petty, but it did make a warped kind of sense. He hadn't really had a great life, and he resented Harry in particular for being James's son.
Second, I have a hard time believing that such a nasty person would be kept on staff. Sure, Dumbledore kept Snape around, but Dumbledore had a tendency to keep poor teachers around for Voldemort-related reasons (which are now moot), and there are new people in charge. It just strikes me as odd that someone so overtly terrible and malicious would be allowed to teach.
I suspect that Neel Rao is going to be a major character, but while he was in the chapter, I didn't really feel like I saw enough of him to form a real judgment. What's there seems promising - I especially liked your description of the scruffy beard and the lack of arrogance - but I don't really feel like I can form a real opinion yet.
Ditto for Scorpius and Albus, who were only really mentioned.
I'm sorry again about the awful delay, and that this review is so short. :( Hopefully it was worth the wait.Author's Response: Hello!
Wow, thanks for the review!
I'm glad that the mechanics were all right. As for the characterization, I guess I need to work on it for Laura. I know that in the next chapter, there's a fair bit more, but maybe I need to put some of that in earlier.
As for Noble, I guess she does seem like Snape, though that wasn't my intentions. There are somethings about her that haven't been said yet. She's hired because she's brilliant, and as Laura said, passes a huge amount of her students. She may be mean, but she's a good teacher- her meanness towards Laura is really an exception, but since you see things through Laura's eyes, it makes her look really bad.
The other characters will all be fleshed out more soon. (Al, Scorpius, Neel, Ella, Shreya).
Thanks so much for your help! And don't worry about the wait at all! And this review, short? Not at all!! It's definitely worth the wait :D Report Review
but Hugo saw me at waved.
That bit needs to be fixed.
ďAll you alright? Iím really sorry!Ē
Another spelling mistake made. Make sure to always read what you write before posting a new chapter up. Errors in a story may confuse readers.
You have a very good chapter. Your use of words are incredible and I really like it.
9/10Author's Response: Thanks for pointing out those errors! I've fixed them and added the revised chapter to the queue. I really appreciate your help! Report Review
In this dialogue it seems there is an error, but it could also be me:
ďAt least when Slughorn was teaching, he would ignore my some of my ineptitude, but he had to go and retire.Ē
You should take off the my because it is rather confusing for the reader to read the sentence and think 'what is going on here?'
Also the sentence following that confuses me because I have no idea if it's part of the dialogue or you just forgot to put the quotation marks.
I could be wrong.
I would suggest that if you want to space out your chapters more, you can use the HPFF line that is there when you are typing out your chapter or you can just use the spacebar or enter button until you feel that it is spaced enough.
This sentence here needs a change of word:
"... you could have to work with Al Potter.Ē Change the could to would. It helps the reader understand the sentence.
Another sentence here also needs a change of word:
...white curtains the matched those on...
Change the the to that.
Overall, this is a rather interesting chapter and I adore your story and I will review the rest of your story.
Also, you get a 9/10Author's Response: Hi!
Thank you for the review! I really appreciate you pointing out the typos you did. I must not have caught them proofreading
The sentence after the Slughorn was actually is just Laura's thoughts though. She doesn't say that aloud to Rose.
Also, the "could/would" sentence, it is supposed to be "could." What Rose means is that Laura -could- have Albus as a potions partner like she (Rose) does, and that that would make the situation worse for Laura. It's hypothetical, so it's could.
Thanks for your help though, and I'm glad that you liked the story so far! Report Review
This is another solid chapter. You descriptions continue to be good and the balance between that and dialogue is excellent. I don't feel like i'm being assaulted by just dialogue which let me see the plot develop more naturally.
Laura still is written consistently, and i'm beginning to see her sarcastic and wry humour. I loved her gnome comments. I like that there is a reason to why she needs a tutor and i liked that it came across like that. I also like how Neel is playing into this, he seems really awesome and open and i HOPE he's her love interest. Nice and uncomplicated? I somehow doubt that, but i like him so far. I liked his comment
"Did you know you are bleeding?" It reminded me of Hermione's comment to Ron on their first train ride.
I would like to see how she goes wrong with potions because through your description of it it seemed like she was watching things very carefully so i was a little surprised that something went wrong. It would be even more impactful if it's just a comment about if she forgot if she stirred the potion 3 or 4 times clockwise or something of the like. It's always important to show your characters in action rather than just saying something like somewhere along the way things must of have went wrong. Both ways are effective ways of writing and are used by authors in different situations, but showing is always better than telling :D
The Rose/Scorpius situation is so different and unique, it's usually a hate/hate sort of situation and it's definitely refreshing to see things being turned around. It's also very typical for teenagers to love from afar and come up with all these positive traits that the other person has because they dream the relationship up. This seems to be what Rose is doing perhaps? Since she has had no actual interaction with the kid. I'm very interested to see where this is going.
I really like also that you seem to be challenging a lot of the common held stereotypes of not only the houses, but of couples and how people tend to write next gen's. I like this a lot! Excellent job.
One last thing i noticed Albus, some of his comments just didn't really make sense, some of them i really liked, but sometime i just didn't get him. The Sirius comment for one seemed really odd... the Marauders were legendary yes, but for their pranks, and not their womanizing ways. I'd almost see him bringing up Fred or George more rather than Sirius as that era happened so long before this era now.
That scene i felt was lacking in description as well as i couldn't really picture what was going on or where all the characters where. Finnegan was sitting at a table next to Rose, Albus was somewhere else yelling? Or was he there? And where was Hugo and i thin you wrote that Albus sat by Finnegan but then wouldnít' he have seen Laura and not be so surprised to see her after Hugo points her out? I think this would be a great scene showing her dislike of him and i like that this is becoming more tangible but i just had trouble seeing all of it play out in my head, but perhaps i'm just tired from travelling and i'm not reading things properly.
I do like this second chapter, the plot is slowly unfolding and i like where this is going and seeing that Laura has a goal and she will do anything to get it always makes a character more relatable and likeable. You have done an excellent jobs with characterization here and you story is lovely! I do like it so great job and thank you so much for requesting me, it was lovely being introduced to this story.Author's Response: Hello!
Thanks again for the review.
You make a good point about the potions scene. I think it does need another line.
Also, hmm, it's funny that Neel's comment to Laura mirrors Hermione's to Ron. It wasn't intentional though, perhaps subliminal??
On Albus: He is really supposed to be a bit nonsensical. He's that kid who talks just to hear himself talk. He says random things half to show that he's smart and knows about all those things, half to just say them. He has this fake bravado thing going on that leads to lots of blustering about. While you make a point about Fred and George being closer in terms of time, George is also his uncle. And while he may be a cool uncle, he is perhaps not as legendary as the Marauders. (Remember, Al's little group is named after them.) I still may adjust that line though, as another reader had some concerns about it as well.
As for the confusing locations in that scene, I'll re read it. It is possible that people are in multiple places at once, and that needs to be fixed. :P Laura isn't necessarily supposed to see Albus most of the time though.
Also, I'm glad that you liked things for the most part! I really appreciate your help with these first two chapters, as well as your compliments. :D Thank you! Report Review
Hi i'm here for your review request!
I love that this is about Ravenclaw's and that they aren't drooling over their school books. You have no idea how refreshing that is to read. I also like how you are taking it from their point of view as i have never read a Ravenclaw centred fic but i think you have done a wonderful job with choosing it because it makes your story very unique and different from all the rest.
I love your characters as well. They feel real and alive. Your OC is very likeable and relatable. I think she will bring and interesting POV to hear this story from. She isn't fully developed yet, but no one can expect that from the first chapter. I also like Rose so far, i think she has a good mixture of her mother and father here and i think she display's these traits fairly well. I hope i see more of her quick and hot temper :D.
I have a bit of a an issue with the plot, only because i don't really know what it is. You write well, you description is good and the flow is good except for a few awkward sentences, but i don't really know what this story is going to be about and what the conflict is. This just seemed like a bunch of scenes but i just don't see the point yet. Don't take this offensively, i'm sure it will unravel in the upcoming chapters but as a first chapter there needs to be more conflict so that the reader comes back for more.
I also wonder why Rose hates Albus and i'd like to see a more distinct reason, or an interaction between them which would really hit home for me that their personalities just don't get along. I like the idea even though they are cousins they don't necessarily have to like each other which was nice to read since so many authors have the next gen kids all love each other and be best chums. But i felt like i needed this dislike between them to be more tangible. I don't mean you need a yelling match between them, but something that shows that they don't like each other.
Anyway, you are off to a good start with this. As i said before, your flow and description are great and you make it really easy to read and envision what's going on. Thanks for requesting me! till next time. :DAuthor's Response: Hi!
Thank you for the review :)
Yep, I always thought that the "Ravenclaw cliche" was inaccurate. I know students who are good at school, but aren't in love with it. To some small extent, that is me. School, even if you enjoy learning, can be really really hard work. But you also have to take a break. And of course, Ravenclaw's motto is "Wit beyond measure..." not "School and Studying forever" :P
I suppose this chapter could use some more cohesive-ness. The scenes are setting things up though. Many of the questions you have will be answered in time. :) I can't establish every relationship right away, without things being even more disjointed.
Overall though, I'm really glad you liked this so far. And I appreciate you taking the time to read and review!
love this! please update soon!!!Author's Response: Thanks! I will try! Report Review
Well...this was another terrific chapter. I really enjoy your OCs' characterization. Neel and Laura are great. I love that they aren't really predictable and cliche. They're both very realistic and I love that.
A few things, though, didn't work for me in this chapter. One thing that seemed a little out of place was the mention of Sirius as a womanizer/ladies' man. I feel like Sirius' role in the Second War (when he knew Harry and was proven to not be some kind of crazy murderer) would have been what people remembered, not that he was a ladies' man (which was never proven in canon). I just feel like that's a bit of a cliche that shouldn't have been mentioned. :/
In addition to that, I felt like there were a lot of random analogies to other things and characters that I felt could have been cut out to clean things up. But it didn't ruin the chapter, so don't worry too much. :]
I did like the fact that you connected this Next-Gen story to the canon things, though. I just think you could have left a couple out and focused more on their time period. :]
On a positive note, your descriptions of the rain were absolutely incredible. That entire scene from the end of Herbology (where I LOVED that you mentioned Neville and his war stories) to the beginning of Potions was absolutely spectacular. I loved all the descriptions there. Very, very well done. :D
On a slightly random note, make sure you double check for any spelling errors. There weren't many, but the few that were there made me look twice. :P
And, back to the good things! :D
I loved your characterization of Neel. He was very real, as I mentioned, and he was very consistent. I felt like I could really connect with him as a person. He was believable which was terrific. I absolutely adored everything about how you wrote his character. Great, great job.
Additionally, Nobel was absolutely wonderful. I think she's a great villain. She's mean in a very believable way. I think you've created a terrific bad-guy and one that is perfect for this story. Great job.
I really think you've done a great job here. Keep up the good work and I know your story will go far. :D
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Hello again!
I'm really glad that you like the OCs in the story. I did make try to make them realistic. Same, thing for Noble (though I guess she counts as an OC too =] ).
Other than the Sirius reference, I'm not entirely sure what you mean about all of the references to canon (or which ones go over the top). I guess that there are some characters who are children of canon characters, but I didn't really go into the backstory of any character except for Laura.
As for the Sirius reference, I see your point. He probably would have been remembered as a hero. And yes, the womanizing bit isn't exactly canon, I know. The reason I included this reference is because I wanted to show how irreverent Al could be. Sirius would be remembered in a positive light, certainly by Al's father, but the Marauders were legendary. (Al's little group even calls themselves the New Marauders). It would make sense then, that Al would know something about Sirius during his school years, even if they were only rumor. And the fact that Sirius is a bit of a hero only shows how far Al will go when he is blustering. He's just so over-the-top in this scene that even if the fact about Sirius was inaccurate, he would have just said it anyways.
Well, sorry that explanation was so long. Like I said, you do have a point, though. And I'm not trying to say I don't appreciate your help-I do.
Thank you so much for the review!
(Also, I did find some spelling mistakes like you were talking about and fixed them in an edited version of this chapter). Report Review
Hello there! It's DarkRose from the forums, here with your reviews. :]
I loved the descriptions you gave of the different characters. The way you described their appearances and personalities was great. I definitely felt like I understood who they were and what they were about. Great job there.
I liked the way you portrayed your OC. She's very far from being a Mary-Sue at this point which I adore. Keep up the good work there and I'll never have to complain about her. :D
I was a bit thrown off by the name "Neel Rao." He's Indian, of course, so that's fine with the last name, but I'm not precisely sure if "Neel" is a name. I know that "Neal" with an A is, but the way you've spelled it just sort of confused me. But his characterization is good, which is a huge plus. I can't wait to see what happens with him later on.
I like all the small details you had in the chapter (like what Professor Nobel looks like and how Laura and Rose don't get along with Al). I was totally impressed with how much you brought the story together.
I also liked the fact that Professor Nobel is the Slytherin Head of House, which no one ever mentions who took over after Slughorn. And that she hates Laura, who's a Ravenclaw, rather than a Gryffindor. Great job. I thought she was a great addition to the story.
I can't wait to see where this goes next. If I had anything to criticize about this chapter, I've forgotten now. :] On to chapter two!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Hi!
Thank you for reviewing!
Well, I don't want to write a Mary-Sue either, so I'll try to keep Laura as real as possible!
As for Neel's name. I know that normally, it is spelled Neal, however, "Neelan" is an Indian name. In that sense, "Neel" is just a nickname. I'm not saying that his real name is Neelan, it isn't but it's a nickname turned name in the sense of someone naming their child "Bella" instead of "Isabella" or "Rob" instead of "Robert." Its a way of anglicizing his name while still keeping it rooted in his ethnicity.
Anyways. Sorry about that.
I'm glad that you liked the parts of the chapter you mentioned. And thanks for the review!
Back again for chapter 2!
I really enjoyed the narrative voice you've given Laura, she has a knack for inerting snide remarks, like about the House stereotypes and later about Scorpius that are very amusing and help give life to the story and her character. it is also very interesting what we learned about her back story, with Roger Davies being her father, we definetely dont see much of him in fanfics so that was a nice twist.
This chapter flowed pretty well and was very readable, I noticed a couple small grammatical things but they werent blatant enough to remember now (sorry thats not too helpful to point out)
There's quite a few interesting subplots going on. I was a little surpised that Neel ended up being the tutor, the whole time I thought there was tension building up between Laura and Albus and that he would hae to end up being her tutor.It's very interesting if this is moving towards a love triangle, although you may want to be careful having two love hate relationships in the same story (if that's what you're going for)
Overall a good job.Author's Response: Hi!
Thanks for the review!
I'm glad you like Laura's character. There will be more about her revealed as time goes on (which makes sense since she's the main character :D )
I caught some mistakes in grammar myself, but I can't fix them now since the queue is still closed. They're on my list to fix when it opens back up.
I know I did set up a lot of subplots in the chapter. Hopefully, the next chapter will help to clear things up a little. Laura doesn't really hate Neel--certainly not like she hates Albus. She just is more indifferent to him, and doesn't really know anything about him.
Again, thanks for reading. I appreciate it!
Loving this :) can't wait for the next chapter! :)Author's Response: Thanks! I'll try to update soon! Report Review
Haha, I really liked this. It's a lot more verbose than the others I've read and there are almost no grammatical errors. It really is developing too! Within two chapters, the plot has already sprung and extended into the school year. I hope that she'll pass potions!Author's Response: Hi! I'm glad you liked the story!
I know I tried not to keep things stuck in the beginning of the year because the plot picks up later on.
Thanks for your review. Report Review
This was a good chapter. I felt that it had a good flow and that it sets up the tutor business quite well. I especially liked how you pointed out at the beginning that just because a student was sorted into a house they didn't have to be exactly stereotypical to that house. I can see how that will be able to open even more doors for this story to grow on in the future.
For the most part there was only two things that I really wanted to point out.
1. "pretentious git, potter was." = not only is that a fragmented sentence it is very strangely worded.
2. "professor Longbottom, the teacher, was"= you really don't need "the teacher" part it is just restating the obvious.
There were a few grammar mistakes but to be truthful I am not the best person to ask when it comes to how to pin point them or ways to fix them.
I still think you have a good story in the making here. I wish you good luck and happy writing days. I look forward to seeing more from you through this new year.Author's Response: Thank you for the second review!
I'm glad that the part about debunking stereotypes made sense to you. I've always thought that certain types of people wouldn't really fit into any of the houses if you're going by stereotype, and if some don't fit by the stereotype, then it must be untrue.
Thanks so much for catching those few things! I appreciate it. And I've fixed them in an edited version of this chapter.
I look forward to writing more! Report Review
Overall, I felt that this is a good start to your story. I felt that the story had a good flow to it and was easy to read and keep up with. You did a good job with keeping the point of view steady. At the end of the chapter the only question on my mind that hadn't been answered was: why does rose and albus not get along? Why do they hate each other?
Now onto characters.
characterization: I liked how you made Rose's character a good blend of her mother and father. I really liked Laura's character as well, she seems like someone I could get along with. Noble reminded me a lot Snape, which I felt was an interesting.
For the most part there was only a few places where I felt the wording might need to be changed.
"then know that's why"= would sound better without "know"
"so much as a bat an eye"= I would suggest changing the wording to something like: without so much as batting an eye
I also don't think you need "The day went horribly." The chapter reads much better without it.
You did a good job on this chapter and I am looking forward to reading chapter 2.Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I'm glad that, for the most part, you liked this chapter.
I really appreciate all the help you gave me pointing out those spelling errors/typos. I've fixed them. And just to let you know, the only reason I waited so long to respond to your review is because I couldn't make changes because the queue was close and I didn't want to forget to fix the mistakes.
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