Tagging you from the Review Tag 2 thread.
You grabbed my attention so hard with all of Regulus's thoughts on drunken Avery. They were absolutely hilarious. I don't know why Avery always seems to be portrayed as a dangerous, drunken buffoon in fan fiction, but I like it. The idea of him as some sort of terrifying tooth fairy from hell was the greatest thing I've read all day.
Wilkes and Rosier were pretty entertaining, too. Peter Pan complexes and raging misogyny aside, they set up a really nice contrast against the direction that I assume Regulus will be heading in. Wilkes's mother must have been so upset by his actions. Just so I'm being an equal-opportunity hater of all things pureblood society, the idea of matronly pureblood mothers dying to marry off their daughters to the first "proper" suitor who comes along was also quite amusing.
Regulus's initial thoughts on Bess Merriwether obviously aren't encouraging, but it was promising that he decided to keep her out of harm's way, even if it was only to preserve his ability to act as a spy for Voldemort. There are certainly far worse ways that he could have ejected her from the dungeons. He's so pompous and full of himself, but I like the way that she stood her ground. Maybe she had no idea how much danger she was really in, but I like her spunk.
Your writing was definitely kind of rough in this. I saw a number of things that looked like typos or words that were out of place. Another good read-through might really help.
You've set up a really interesting premise here and I'm very interested to see where you take it. Not only that, but I think I've run out of things you've written that I haven't reviewed, so you really need to get on the stick here! ;) Nice job!Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for the wonderful review. =)
This story is kind of my problem child, since the prologue has quite a different tone from this chapter. I guess I've to decide whether to make Reg more agressive in the prologue, or just soften this a bit. Probably both.
I'm glad you get my humor, it tends to run bit dark at times, but that's just the way it is. =) My Slytherins are such a bunch of misfits, they are really fun to write because of that. They seem to have much bigger ideas of themselves, than what they can cash in reality.
Yeah, even though it has been beta read, it still seems to have some inconstancies there. I have to look into it.
Actually, I think you have missed my Voldy one-shot. =P But no worries, I'm going to update soon again. =) Report Review
I've always wanted to write a story about this so when I saw yours, I just had to read it! I thought this was a great place to start, it tells your readers exactly why he had decided to join Voldemort even if it wasn't completely what he wanted which also leaves room for him to change as time goes on as he didn't want it in the first place but didn't want to disappoint family. I liked your description throughout the chapter and the beginning paragraph had caught my attention right away. I noticed a few mistakes such as leaving off the words a/the (which ever it is that you would want to use)which would go before the word teapot. Other than that though I didn't notice anything else. This was a great beginning to your story! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for the review. =)
I like to start my stories in middle of the scene, it seems to make my stories flow better. And in this case it definitely is the moment when Reg's life is permanently changed, which kind of propels this story forward.
I think I've to reread this story with a critical eye, there seems to be mistakes here and there. Thank you for pointing it out.
I'm glad you liked it and hoping that you'll stop by and read more of it in the future. =) Report Review
O I love Regulus stories! He's such an intriguing character and I like how you present him so far.
Although I thought some little details were a bit off, like Kreacher singing a lullaby for example but it's not much. I just thought this was out of character.
I particularily liked the relationship between Sirius and Regulus. You didn't show much but implied that it is a good one or at least that they aren't at each other's neck all the time and I find that believable.
So far, I like what I got to read. Great opening chapter and I hope you'll keep this story going! There isn't much to say considering I didn't see any flaw, the rythm was great and I didn't spot any gramatical errors. Really, it was a nice read!!
Happy hollidays!Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for all the lovely reviews you've given me this Christmas. I really loved each one of them. =)
This chapter barely scrapes the surface of Kreacher's and Reg's relationship. So some of his actions may still feel bit odd, before I get a chance to give some background info about it.
I've always been partial to the idea that no one could be all evil (well, maybe Voldy comes close). And somehow I really doubt that the guy who defied Voldemort, while he well knew that he'd die because of it, would be the evil reincarnate. Many fics just lump Reg with other Death Eaters, but I think there's more in it. After all, Snape was cruel and mean man but yet had a good heart. Report Review
You are far too hard on yourself. I thought this chapter was great fun. You're a good humour writer.
Regulus and his mates-that-he-hates are very realistic - getting drunk, whining about not being able to have sex without there being strings attached - yeah, I've seen that in real life, and it's funny and stupid here. I would say though, where you've used 'pureblood' in that drunken wedding conversation, maybe you should replace that 'proper' or 'rich' instead? 'cause, you know, it's pretty much a given that they will not date anyone whose blood can't be compared to driven snow.
Your introduction of the mysterious-tormented Bess isinteresting, too. She's funny, naive and brave, which is a fun combination. She obviously is in danger of being infected by generic-romcom-OC syndrome, but you can work through that.
I also thought that the writing style here's a bit different from that of the last chapter - it's not an inherently bad thing, I'm just not sure what to make of it.
Anyway. I know you said you hate this, but I don't think it's terrible. :)Author's Response: Hi there! =)
Yeah, my inner critic tends to be quite demanding. =P I do like to write humour, but I'm just not sure if it serves the purpose here. This was supposed to be originally more angsty/drama and now it looks like there's going to be some black comedy spins on it.
I love writing teenage boys with all the crudeness and vulgarities. I guess the 'pureblood' comment underlines the idea bit too much, so I guess have to reread and maybe even rewrite this chapter after NaNo.
Yeah, the change of tone is definitely one of the things I worry in this fic. I guess I just have work through it and find some kind of happy medium between black comedy and angsty drama. =P
Thanks for stopping by for the review. =) Report Review
Hey, it's me, from tag this time.
So I'm a little bit sceptical of Regulus/OC stories usually, but then again, it's you who's writing it, so I've got no idea what to make of that concept. I'll just have to wait and see if you do continue with this, I suppose.
I like your Regulus. He's a conflicted but essentially decent guy, and he's relatable. Voldemort is also well-characterised, Sirius' note is pretty much in character for a person like him, and Kreacher's very Kreachery.
You may want to rethink some of your language, though, 'cause you've got phrases like:
>cold calculated amusement
I know what you're trying to get at - laughing at Reg's expense - but you can't have calculated amusement. I don't think even Tommy boy plans to be amused at things. XD
You've still got a few missing apostrophes and a lack of capitalising Wizarding nouns and verbs, so you or your beta may want to take another look at that.Author's Response: Don't worry, I'm not sure what to make of this concept either. =P
Good to know that my characters are up to par, some people seem to like Kreacher and some don't. It's interesting how people see him very differently.
I really need to reread and fix this, but I'm guessing it has wait to until December. My NaNo OF and Oliver/Charlie fic seem to be rather time-consuming at this point.
Thanks for the review! =) Report Review
Heya! I'm here with the tag review from the forums.
I must say, while skimming through the summaries for your stories I stopped at this one and never looked back. Regulus has always been an intriguing character to me, so I never lose an opportunity to read more about him (even if it's not canon material).
I liked how this story started off. We don't know so much about Regulus and his motivations of joining the Death Eater ranks, so having him align with Voldemort to help protect his family and make them proud isn't far off in my opinion. Actually, making them proud is the sort of thing I imagine him doing. And one of the best ways to impress them, during those times, was joining the Dark Lord. I found his reasons very believable and the way you executed your ideas into words were pretty true to the image I have of Regulus.
It's a little hard imagining Kreacher sing a lullaby, even to Regulus, who was his most adored master, but that is a matter of personal choice regarding the elf's portrayal. I found it slightly derailing from what we know of his character to be like, but on the other hand we didn't really see any interaction between Regulus and Kreacher so he might as well have done things like this.
I think this is between the first stories that I found depicted a good and healthy relationship between Sirius and Regulus. While I tend to imagine them not so close, I am open to the possibility that they were actually pretty good friends, at least previous to Sirius's departure. Now I'm curious to see how they develop.
All in all a very nice beginning. Keep up the good work!Author's Response: Hi and thank you for the review!
I have always thought that there's more to Kreacher than what Jo tells us in books. Likewise with Regulus.
I'm not sure if Sirius and Reg were good friends as such, but they were brothers after all. Considering Sirius's volatile nature, he probably was very protective about his little brother until they came against each other because of the war and ideological differences.
I'm really glad you liked this chapter. Thanks for reading it. =) Report Review
Tagging you from the Review the Person Above You thread in the common room.
Overall, I really liked your portrayal of Regulus Black as a very conflicted young man who is being pulled in many directions at once by the competing priorities and allegiances in his life. All of his reactions seem very natural to his circumstances and his thoughts about the people who matter to him are very believable. There is also a stoic quality to him that seems very fitting for a son of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black.
I thought that you did a great job describing the moment when he took the Dark Mark. Something about Voldemort's innate cruelty and the level of sacrifice he demands from his followers has always led me to believe that receiving his mark would be a particularly painful ordeal. The price of admission, so to speak. Your descriptions and tactile details made the scene very vivid, especially the part about cutting his hands on the icy rocks on the ground. The notion that he doesn't trust the other Death Eaters and wished to conceal his identity from them was also very sensible. You'd have to be a zealot (Bellatrix) or a fool (Lucius) to put your faith in the sort of people who would willingly associate with the Dark Lord. From start to finish, I thought the meeting of the Death Eaters was done very well.
The idea that he would take a round-about route home in order to not be followed was also a clever little thing that added something to the story.
Wow. You showed us a very different side of Kreacher in this. Imagining the grumpy, foul-mouthed old elf as a caring, nurturing presence in the young lives of Sirius and Regulus took some getting used to, but I like it. To me, it adds a whole extra layer of complexity to the very hostile relationship between Sirius and Kreacher that we see in OotP. From Kreacher's point of view, not only did Sirius betray his family heritage, but there was also a personal sort of betrayal there. Even though the idea of Kreacher singing a lullaby to 17-year-old Regulus was pretty awkward, it really fits with the idea of the intense devotion that Kreacher has for him.
So it seems that Regulus has not completely written off his elder brother the way that their parents have. You did a terrific job of setting the stage for Regulus's ultimate decision to turn his back on the Dark Lord. The description of the terribly awkward family Christmas was a great way to drive home the point.
Suggestions? Well, I did see several typos and grammatical errors scattered about. With one more good proof-read, I think you could really put a bow on this one and have something that you can be very proud of!Author's Response: Hi and thank you for stopping by for the review. =)
Wow, you really got what I was after with this chapter. I'm really happy about it, since I wasn't sure if it resonated with readers the way I thought it would.
I'm glad it set the stage like it should for later, since this story has quite many twist and turns coming in very near future. In a way this is the most difficult of my WIPs to write, because I'm striving for more than a lighthearted romp here.
I've always thought that Kreacher is actually pretty interesting character. Considering how he warmed up to Harry after he got Regulus's locket, I think its fair to assume that his devotion to the Blacks was probably quite close to unconditional love. After all, he even tried to pilfer Mr. Black's pants. =)
I will try to find another beta for this story. Sadly betas are bit hard to find nowadays. Report Review
Hello -- TenthWeasleyWriter here with your requested review!
Having once thought of writing a Regulus/OC myself (and having actually planned it out, too, though it never came to fruition), I was very interested to see this appear in my review thread. I've seen many different takes on Regulus, and still yours is different from others I've read. I think it's intriguing that you write about his joining the Death Eaters as a way to protect his family, and I'm curious as to how that particular plot point will develop down the line.
Because this is only the prologue, as you have marked it, I don't think there's much to be said for plot development at this point. Admittedly, I don't read a lot of Death Eater fics, and since I'm writing a fic around this same era I generally steer clear so I can keep my ideas mine, if that makes any sense. However, this does seem like an interesting first chapter, and I think you've managed to hook potential readers to the rest of your story well. :)
The dialogue, though rather sparse, was good! I think not everyone can write a house elf's voice well, but I saw no problems there. The only thing that sounded a bit off was referring to Kreacher as an 'it' instead of 'he.' Although not a human, Kreacher is referred to in the books as a he, just as Dobby is a he and Winky is a she; that's something to consider altering. ;)
As for characterization, I think Regulus, Voldemort, and Kreacher were all written rather well. My concern is for Sirius, who never talked in canon about his brother with any measure of kindness, even going so far as to refer to him as an idiot. What I might suggest is altering Sirius's letter, and have it a bit less... brotherly, if that makes sense? Unless Regulus's rejection of Sirius's help is what makes him think he's an idiot, and that's something a reader can't glean from this. If that's the case, well, ignore this. :D
Overall, a very promising start! Minus the few bumps that I pointed out, you do have a nice prologue here, and I think it sets up the arc of your story with a fair amount of fluidity. Good job! And thank you for requesting a review from me!Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for the review.
Sorry that it took me so long to answer it.
The reason why I'm using 'it' and not 'him' when talking about house elves has actually a reason. While more enlightened wizards undoubtedly saw house elves equal to their own race, I'm betting that the ancient pureblood families weren't exactly as most broad-minded with their views.
Hence using the 'it' as belittling term at this point of story.
Sirius's letter seems to divide readers quite effeciently. Some of you like it a lot, some of you not. Interesting.
I've been considering Sirius's character while writing this, so you just have to wait and see how his views change with time. I do believe that since Sirius had ability to love and hate people with equal passion, he often saw things very black and white. I would even go as far as suggesting that might have been one his biggest character flaws. =)
Ah well, but thank you very much for taking time and reading prologue. I appreciate it very much. Report Review
AditiDraco95 from the forums with your second review.
Since I already reviewed the previous chapter in much detail, so I am just going to touch on the specifics for now.
Your characterization seems good, as I said. I like Regulus' characterization of course. You have got him pretty well. The pride and stuck-up attitude comes off quite well in your death eaters which is good. I think the swearing was a nice touch to their personalities, since it showed their bad Slytherin side.
As for plot, I think it's going well. I like the way your story is flowing and the pace at which it is moving. Your plot is developing in a nice way.
I just feel that this chapter just had a little too much unnecessary dialogue which sort of interrupted the nice flow. Your dialogue is good otherwise, just make sure that you maintain a firm balance between your dialogue and descriptions. After all, description is very important to your narrative too.
As I said previously, the story has a good reader interest prospective. It is intriguing. As long as you remove a little of the unnecessary dialogue, the readers would be latched on to the chapter.
Oh, and of course, Bess Merriweather's entry was well placed. I love that she's a Hufflepuff. She seems like a match for Regulus too. Good job on crafting her. Just make sure you don't rush into her and Regulus' relationship (if there's going to be one) and take everything at a moderate gradual pace.
All in all this was a good chapter. I liked reading it. Your characters were good, I liked the insight and description you gave. The plot seems to go smoothly. Just remember what I said about pace and balance.
All in all, good work! 9/10
I hope my comments were helpful. Feel free to re-request.
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for your review. =)
Sorry that it took so long for me to answer it, but I've been doing some deep soul searching with this story, since I'm not quite satisfied about where it is heading. I have written several chapters more of it, but they just are not quite right.
So this story is on the back burner now and hopefully I will continue it when I figure out how to fix it.
I do appreciate you taking time and reviewing it, it gave me lot to think about.
I'm glad that characters and plot work, the approach to the story is something I'm not so sure about. Report Review
AditiDraco95 here with your requested review.
Before I get down to the mechanics, I have to say this is a very well written piece. I was really sucked into the story while reading it. Your descriptions and such are very prominent and the entire chapter is written in a very chilling manner which is quite apt for your setting and plot. Good work!
As for Characterization, I think you have pretty much crafted your character very well. I loved reading your portrayal of Regulus. His thoughts show an insight into him the way I imagined him to be. Sirius' letter was a nice addition to the fic too, it showed a snippet into the relationship of the two brothers. Kreacher's characterization is spot-on as well. All in all, I think you have the characterization well in the bag =)
As for plot development, again I don't think any critique is needed. You have got it quite well. I can see your plot going in a good direction, it is interesting enough xD The pace of this chapter was moderate, and if you maintain this pace, I think you'll be fine. Your plot has a vast number of possibilities, make sure you explore them well!
As long as your write the way you have written this chapter, I think you will have your readers' interest occupied as well =)
As for dialogue, there was not much in this chapter (since it was the prologue anyway) but from what I read, again no critique needed. I only found Voldemort's dialogue in calling Regulus 'young one' a little odd. I feel that is not the way Voldemort would usually address his death eaters. Perhaps you should work a little on Voldemort's dialogues. The rest were pretty okay. Your grammar is fine too.
All in all, this was an intriguing start to your story and I think you have a nice way carved for your story forward. Good going!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: Hi! Thank you for the review. =)
Sorry it took so long, but I've been thinking about your reviews very carefully since you wrote them.
I'm really glad that you like Regulus. I truly think that he's worth a story. In a way he's very similar to Sirius, he just carved different path than his elder brother.
I guess my Voldy isn't quite as baddie as he should. I'll do my best to make him more evil when we meet him later again.
Thank you for taking time and reading these chapters. It really meant a lot to me. Report Review
I think Beth is just a tad in over her head ;). Again, I am still enjoying your portrayal of Regulus. His unwanted interest comes through clearly in this. It definitely has me interested and wanting to know what happens next!Author's Response: She might be. We shall see... ;) Reggie is a pretty interesting and complex character to write about, which is so fun. Thank you for reading the story. =) Report Review
This chapter makes me feel so sad for Regulus. I also love that you includes the letter from Sirius, I think far too often it is portrayed tha Sirius couldn't care less. I think this is a really great beginning, sad, but intoxicating.Author's Response: Hi! Thanks for reading my little story. =)
I have always thought that considering how far Sirius was willing to go to protect his godson, it would be odd if he was totally indifferent towards his own brother. And if Regulus really cared for a house elf, there must've been a little goodness in him somewhere. Report Review
I really like. Can't wait for the next chapter!! 9/10 : )Author's Response: Thanks. I'm hoping to get the next one out in a couple of weeks. =) Report Review
This was a great start!! My only problem is that reg is too old. Sirius was still at school when he ran away from home and reg is at least a year younger than him. 8/10 : )Author's Response: Ah, yes. In my story Reg is in the 6th year and just turned seventeen before the prologue. That's why he was recruited by Voldemort. Sirius in on the 7th year. They're both still in school, as you can read from the letter.
Thank you for reading my story. =) Report Review
Hey there! Sorry about the wait, but i'm here with your review!
+ "You're not a slytherin."
- Capital 'S', yeah? You've got it everywhere else (except right at the end, when talking about the Common Room), just missing it here (and there) from what I can see :)
Anyway, onto the other stuff...
Pacing and flow - This was fine, as it was a fairly short chapter, composing of mainly one scene. I think the dialogue seemed slightly forced in one or two places, and if anything, they would be the only points that are affecting your pacing and flow, but other than those, this area is fine :)
Which brings me to my next point...
Dialogue - This got better as the chapter went on, but a few of the lines at the begging just didn't flow right for me. I think it's possibly because you were trying to make the sound drunk? Either way, it wasn't working right, but I only say that after reading it with a critical eye. Otherwise, you're fine :)
Description - I think this could be improved upon. It's not bad by any means, and I can see the characters in my head, but It can certainly be expanded on, and will really help improve your word count. Describing the atmosphere, such as, "the air was still in the stone corridors, making the atmosphere all the more tense and unnerving as Wilkes made his way towards the girl now backed up into a corner." (That's a bad example, but something like that just helps expand on the story and it's the little details that help bring the story to life.) Something to think about :)
Characterisation - Bess seems interesting, and I'm interested to see what you do with her (obviously this is a Reg/Bess fic, right? (because i'm sort of shipping them already...)) and your portrayal of Regulus is intriguing. So far your characterisation has been fine, although I think if you're looking to improve, try working on your minor characters (his Slytherin friends) because often they are overlooked in stories, but it's well fleshed out minor characters that really help make a story.
Anyway, I think I covered everything, and feel free to re-request. Hopefully my comments have been helpful, and sorry again about the wait.
- Adele :)Author's Response: Hi and thank you for the review! =) It was very kind of you to take time and read this through.
Thank you for noticing the missing capitals, pesky little buggers tried to hide from me.
I guess my dialogue challenges are at least partly due the fact that my characters are still quite unknown quantities. But hopefully it will get easier as story progresses.
Thank you for mentioning description (or lack there of), I'll definitely try to improve that from now on.
Yes, it's Reg/Bess fic, it's so cool that you're rooting for them. Next chapter actually is all about Slytherin boys, so we will learn lot more from each one of them. Stay tuned! Report Review
Not going to lie, I sort of maybe really, really liked your opening line. But anyway, you don't want to hear of my obscurity, so i'm going to jump in with the rest of this. Bare with me, yeah?
Grammar/Punctuation/Awkward Sentences/Other Boring Stuff -
+ 'It was scorching hot, twisted black and a scream that rushed out of his throat seemed never-ending.'
- Should be: It was scorching hot, twisted black and THE scream that rushed out of his throat seemed never-ending. 'A scream' doesn't make sense. It's the wrong tense.
+ 'Dark Lord'.
- Should be: THE Dark Lord. It's a title, needs the 'the' to signify that there is only one. ('there is only one' - Sounds sort of foreboding and creepy now that I re-read it. Oh well. Voldy was a sort of creepy guy, what with the whole ripping up my soul and keeping it in my very many *cough* teenage diary...)
+ 'His master could see his thoughts and as exhausted as he was shielding them was out of question.'
- There should be a comma in here. 'His master could see this thoughts and being as exhausted as he was, shielding them was out of the question.' See how it reads easier? It signifies a spot to breath. Don't want your readers dying from lack of oxygen, now do we? ;)
+ 'By her side was her fiance, it was easy to see by the manner a man shared looks with his cousin.'
- This doesn't sit right; interrupts the flow. I think something along the lines of: 'By her side was her fiancée, easily recognisable by the manner in which they exchanged glances.' Does that make sense? See how it flows better and isn't as confusing? I hop i'm not ranting and confusing you here. :S
- This should either be on a new line, by its self, or after 'a single word entered his mind' on the same line. Does that make sense? You COULD do it either way, but where you have it at the moment is awkward, as there are no other lines like that in the whole chapter. Just something to link about. (I'd stick it with a one line gap (for emphasis, ya' know? ;) ))
+ "I'm at the Potters."
- Should be: "I'm at the Potters'."
Apostrophe goes after the 's' for possessive plural, particularly of more than one person (such as the Potter family). (I'm aware that makes absolutely no sense, so i'd suggest checking out the forums (Writers Resources -> Grammar Guidelines -> then go crazy. I learnt LOADS. Check it out ;) ))
+ "I'll see you at the school next week."
- Probably better as: "I'll see you at school next week." Cut the 'the'. It's not needed and just confusing.
+ "If you change your mind, just send me the owl."
- Again, cut the 'the'. It's not needed, messes up the flow and is confusing. It'd be better off as: "If you change your mind, just send me AN owl." 'Owl' is used like letter by JK and within the wizarding world. We wouldn't say send me the letter, we'd say send me a letter. Food for thought :P
+ The chipped paintings of centuries worth the Black ancestors covered the walls.
- Again, this sentence does make any sense the way it is (I also think chipped could be replaced for something else, but that's up to you). Try something like: 'Faded paintings, of Black family ancestors from centuries past, lined the walls as Regulus followed the house-elf down the passage in harmonious silence.' See the difference? On second thought, maybe not. Don't mind me... :P
+ 'Regulus couldn't remember the time when Kreacher didn't live in Grimmauld Place.'
- I feel this could be reworded to: 'Regulus couldn't remember A time BEFORE Kretcher HAD lived in Grimmauld Place.' I just think it flows better... :S
Phew, okay. Hope I didn't sound too nasty there, because that wasn't my intention. I'm just trying to help you/give alternatives to the parts that don't sit so well, so it can be the best story it can be! ^_^
Characterisation - I seem to be requested to read more and more Regulus fics these days, but I must say, yours is certainly one of my favourite portrayals so far. I love that it starts with him becoming a Death eater, as it really sets the tone for the rest of the story to come.
Pacing and flow - Apart from those points above, this was pretty good. I'd check your sentence structure though, as it's very 'he did this', 'he did that'. But all that stuff improves with practise and I wouldn't have mentioned it if I hadn't been reading it with a critical eye :)
Dialogue - There wasn't much of this, but the few parts we had were good. Nothing to worry about, but certainly something to expand on in later chapters. Dialogue is such a important part of character development and is often the part that writers struggle to make natural. There wasn't much here so I can't comment too much, but yeah. Something to keep in mind for future chapters. :)
Overall, I liked this, but wish the first chapter had been longer, so we'd gotten to see more of Reg's character (yes, he and I are such good friends, I can give him nicknames :P) But I suppose it's always better leaving your readers wanting more than overloading them with stuff they don't want now, isn't it? Seriously, this was good, and with some tidying up, it will help show your abilities off even more as a writer.
Hopefully this has been helpful, and i'd love to hear your thoughts on my excessive ramble in a response.
Keep up the writing, it only gets better with practise!
- Adele :)Author's Response: Hey there! I really appreciate it that you took the time and read this chapter. Thank you for the corrections and advice. =) I have to ponder about some of those sentences, but I'm sure I'll find something more appropriate.
I'm really happy that you liked the idea of it. Admittedly, the prologue is kind of short but I felt it was needed to set the background to upcoming events. Dialogue and character's inner musings are more challenging for me, but hopefully time will make those better.
Your review was definitely helpful. It gave me confidence to trudge on with the story. Angsty fics are not quite as popular as fluffier ones, so getting feedback is truly appreciated.
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with another review for you!
Characterization: I think that you're doing a good job with the characters so far. It's quite obvious that you wanna show them as the arrogant Death Eaters who think they're better than everybody now that they know Dark Magic; you've done a good job with their arrogance and their pride. Even though I think that in this chapter the Death Eaters seemed more like a drunk gang of muggers than the Death Eaters they're supposed to be, I feel that that analogy might've worked for you. The Death Eaters are teenagers and of course, they don't know the significance of what they've taken on yet, so you can show them as immature gits who don't have a care in the world. Good job there =)
You've done a good job with Regulus. Even though he's a pureblood and a Black, I see that you've given him a sense of duty and maybe some humanity. That's an interesting characteristic you've added to his personality which I think plays out very well and makes him seem more realistic and plausible than expected.
Wilkes, Rosier and Avery have also been written well. Of course, they'd be expected to curse anyone who got in their way so the attitude that you showed for them was spot on. I also think that you've done a god job with the language. For some reason, I feel that the bad-boy language suits the Slytherins; especially Death Eater Slytherin, so the words you used and the way you made them swear seemed very appropriate.
Pacing/Flow: The pacing and the flow of the story is fine; the paragraphs are connected well and the entire story doesn't seem too fast or too slow. However, I did feel at a few points that the dialogue was getting too much which would disrupt the flow. So I would recommend keeping a good balance between the dialogue and the description so as to allow your reader to have a good idea and image of the situation your characters are in along with the dialogues they're exchanging.
I think that Bess Merriweather had a great entrance into the story. She couldn't have made a stranger appearance, seeing as she's clearly the main character and so needs to be headstrong and confident. The fact that she's Hufflepuff is a good idea. =) I did notice you write Hufflepuff with a small 'h'. You should capitalize that along with the 'P' of 'puffers'. Speaking of which I really like the way Regulus used that nickname for the Hufflepuffs'. It gave a sense of frankness which I haven't seen in stories very often. Keep it up! =)
That's it from me at the moment! It's a very nice story and a very nice idea so keep up the good work! I hope that this review helps you and that you like it =) Feel free to re-request and PM me with anything you might wanna ask! Until next time, Good Luck and Happy Writing! =DDAuthor's Response: Thank you for your reviews. I really appreciated these.
The group dynamics of my little gang of Slytherins will come more clearer in next chapter. I'm really happy that their introduction to the story was successful since I really love their twisted little Slytherin world. It gives great opportunities to creepy and dark humor and who doesn't like bad boys in general?
Yay for Reg and Bessie! I'm hoping to write their relationship bit off the beaten track, but we will see how it fares out... It's great to see that Bessie made a strong impression even though we just met her for a really short while. Her Hufflepuff tendencies are coming more to surface in upcoming chapters.
The dialogue is my achilles heel, but hopefully the time will make it better. Thank you for pointing it out, it made me cringe a bit inside as well. Report Review
Hey! This is apocalypse, here with your review!
Well, this is quite something! =) I think that the most attractive thing about your story at the moment is the plot. I've always liked stories that focus on the lives of the secondary characters and I feel like I'm going to like this one too. I think that the way you started out with the chapter was amazing. No one can imagine how painful the branding of the mark must be and I think that you did an excellent job in describing the pain he felt and what he thought of it. The fact that you compared it to the Cruciatus Curse was very interesting; it magnified the significance of the pain he was enduring and I think it was all written excellently!
I think that Voldemort was very much in character. THe way everyone feared him was written brilliantly; his arrogance and his evil aura came out very nicely. I'm glad that you've chosen to write the story from Regulus' perspective, it adds a new dimension to your story and allows your readers to experience the world from the Death Eater point of view.
Your story is definitely plausible as it's a canon fact that Regulus was a Death Eater. However, I can't say much about the plausibility right now, seeing as I have no idea how you will carry on Reg's life in the upcoming chapters. I do know that its like-able due to the fact that Regulus did not do this for the love of Voldemort only and that he still has some sense in him. The fact that you've been able to grab your readers' attention by making them wonder what's going to happen with Regulus is a plus point for your story which ensures that people like it no matter what =)
Sirius' letter was another great idea. The fact that he cares about his brother and wishes him to get back on track in his life is very sweet and totally like Sirius. I really liked that.
I think I'll address you areas of concern in more detail in the next review seeing as how this chapter was pretty short and did not have much content to comment on. A good story though =)Author's Response: Yay! I'm really happy that you liked the beginning of this story. I know that the character is not the most popular choice especially compared to Reg's brother, but when I read Rowling's books, I always thought that there must be something more to Regulus's story. So I decided to give him a chance. Report Review
Alright, I'm curious as to where this is going...interesting start, indeed.Author's Response: I'm rather curious myself too. =) Report Review
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