I loved it! The imagery is so perfectly done even though there are some typos, it really feels like being there. Also, I find Gellert's mind quite interesting and could understand why Albus fell for him. I loved how suddenly he started to feel hatred, but with her by his side it would be nothing but some little insignificant feeling he'd let away.
Please really continue it, I'd really love (have I said love too much?) to read what comes next and how this beast can't be tamed anymore.Author's Response: thank you! Gellert has always been one of my favourite characters because he just seems so caught up in his ideas, and I love that sort of thing. I hope to continue this soon :) I have all this snippets written and I just have to get them in order, the next chapter will hopefully be up soon-ish :)
~Ria Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! Sorry for the awful delay - the holiday season has been very busy. I promise that I'm not usually this bad!
Before I get into the story as a whole, I do want to make a few comments about mechanics. Your prose was really good in general - there were just some minor issues.
You sometimes tripped up a bit with possessives. In the paragraph starting, "She had told once, with no sadness or remorse in her voice," you misused "Dumbledore's" twice. You were correct in making it possessive the first time ("the Dumbledore's home", but it actually should have been possessive plural - there is more than one Dumbledore living in it, so it should be Dumbledores' rather than Dumbledore's. However, the second time ("any of the Dumbledore's"), you were just using it as a plural, so it is simply Dumbledores, not Dumbledore's. A lot of people slap on 's to pluralize a proper noun, but that's actually not correct - just add the s or es just like you would to cat or fox. :)
This was largely written in past tense, but there were a few points that you slipped into present instead, particularly earlier on in the chapter. For example, in the first paragraph, "Heavy in her arms he lays, his head tilted back and his eyes unfocused. He stares at the sky but doesn't see the scudding clouds or azure colour, he sees her face, pasted across the heavens and in every way as beautiful." All of the words I italicized should really be in past tense, not present.
You also frequently misused punctuation. You often had commas where you really should have had periods, semi-colons, or colons. A good way to decide whether it should be a comma or a period is whether both parts of the sentence can stand on their own. For example, in the third paragraph, "He was never sure if she loved him, it wasn't something he even knew if she understood." Because both "He was never sure if she loved him" and "It wasn't something he even knew if she understood" are complete sentences in their own rights, they should never be separated by a comma.
Again, your prose was overall good - I just wanted to point out those little things. :)
Those little problems aside, I really enjoyed this a lot! I think it's actually my first Grindelwald/Ariana - it's a pairing I've always been interested in but have never actually gotten around to reading it. I thought that you had an interesting take on Albus's and Grindelwald's initial meeting, and I'd be interested to see how you built that up into the friendship that ended up happening.
I found reading something from Grindelwald's point of view is interesting, because while we know that he grew up to work with the Nazis (which never looks good on your resume), we don't know anything about his personality or his life when he was younger. We pretty much know what Voldemort was like as a child and a teenager, so it's actually possible to write him wildly out of character.
That's not as much the case with Grindelwald, and I like what you've done here and the way that you're already alluding to disdain toward muggles - sparked in part by what happened to Ariana. The idea that Grindelwald - and maybe even Albus - might have fostered some resentment toward muggles as a whole for what was done to Ariana is a really compelling one, and after just a chapter I was definitely starting to buy into it.
Your portrayal of Ariana was definitely the strongest part of the piece. I really got a sense of how disconnected from the world she was from the interactions you showed and from your descriptions of her. Describing the way her hair flowed or her dress flared and showing how mercurial her mood was really helped bring her to life. The only major issue I saw with her portrayal was that early on, you said that Ariana told Grindwelwald that she'd liked shadows one week, but later you said that she never spoke a word.
On the whole, this was a great chapter. I'm sorry again for the awful delay, and please feel free to rerequest! :)Author's Response: hi Beeezie :)
First of... wow! Thank you so much for this amazing review! So much detail and so helpfull too!
I see what you mean about the tenses, I started out intending to write in present tense, but then started writing about memories so I think everything got a bit jumbled up in my head (I write at the most bazaare hours... haha) but I'll go back in and edit that ASAP (also the possesives, goodnes, I'm just rather rubbish at grammar and punctuation, but thanks so much for pointing those things out, it helps so much!)
I'm so glad you liked the Gellert/Ariana ship! I've actually never read any of the pairing myslef, I just saw the pairing in the ship discussion forum and a crowd of pluunies attacked me.
Gah! She talked! Thank you so much for pointing that out! Eek! I'll be editing that very soon, goodness ,thank you so, os much for pointing that out! (I'm repeating myself.. oops, sorry about that, but I just can't thak you enough for catching that!)
No worries for any delay, this review was just so wonderfully helpfull!
Thanks again :)
Hey there! This is GrangerDanger76 with your review from HPFF Forums. Anyways, sorry it took so long, Iíve been super busy with the Christmas Season!
Alright so first off, I loved the quote. I feel like it really set the mood for the entire chapter.
Second, your sensory detail BLEW ME AWAY. Like seriously, you are very talented with the figurative language, I donít even know what to say! You characters are so dynamic, and I love the way you portray Arianna. It sort of leaves the mystery up to the reader.
Characterization Ė So like I said before your characters are very dynamic. To be honest, that is a major accomplishment to make your readers feel like you know the character, in just the first chapter. I mean, that is remarkable on your part.
Plot Ė I am a little bit confused as to where the plot is going. This chapter was mostly description and analyzing, which is good, donít get me wrong, but I feel like the plot is dragging a little. Donít be afraid to spice up the next chapter, and move things along.
Other Various comments Ė I thought this was slash, as in, why is he in love with Arianna? I guess that will be reveled later, but just be careful as to what you put on warnings/ descriptions because thatís what people will come, looking for
The only thing I could really say to work on is grammar/spelling. You may want to get an editor for this, because it is very good.
You blew me away
Sincerely, GrangerDanger76Author's Response: Hi :D Thanks so much for the review, no worries about any delay, I'm just sorry it took me so long to get back to you!
Awe, blew you away? That made me smile so much! Thankyou!
I'm really glad you liked the characterization, I'll admit I have a few qualms with Ariana maybe coming off too Mary-Sue-ish, so this made me really happy :)
I see wha tyou mean about the plot in this chapter, since this was my attempt at Nano it got a bit... rambly... hopefully the next chapter will clear things up a bit though
The slash warning is actually there for later chapters, I just didn't want anyopne to start reading it and then be surprised by some of the content.
I see what you mean about the grammar and spelling too, I'm definitely rather.. faulty in those catagories... haha, but I'll go through again and edit a bit more :)
Anyway thanks for the lovely review :D
~Ria Report Review
Here with your review!
First off, congratulations on attempting (and completing?) NaNoWrimo! I was too scared to even try haha.
I really enjoyed this chapter. The imagery was amazing; I could imagine everything. Also, it's a different take to have Gellert in love with Ariana. I've only ever seen (and shipped) him with Dumbledore, so brownie points for starting the story with something new!
I loved the doubt that you put in Gellert's mind about Ariana and whether she loved him back. It's refreshing and nice to see Gellert as a human being, NOT a monster.
Dumbledore's characterisation was spot on! I loved the regret and emotion that you put into his speech when he was explaining about his sister.
That last line was brilliant! I loved it!
Good luck with the rest of your story!
Great story and I love the banner as well, Jamie *swoons dramatically*
*Jaz, 10/10Author's Response: H Jaz :) thanks so much for the review!
Sad to say I didn't complete my Nano, not by a long shot, but I hope to keep going with it :)
I've always been a Gellert/Albus shipper myself, the Ariana/Gellrt, was definitely a stretch for me too, but I think I like it :D
Glad you liked Gellert's non-monsterness, I just got rather fed up with the way he's always catagorized as the other Voldy, though I think I might romantasize him a bit... oh well ;)
Glad you liked it and yay! Another Jamie fan! Hehe, that man is just to attractive for his own good ;D
~Ria Report Review
Oh. Wow. This story is such a beautiful one. Your descriptions are fantastic and very realistic. You have no idea how amazed I am with this story. The pauses when Albus was trying to explain what happened to Arianna was very dramatic -in a good way- and it made me feel the pain as well.
The characterisation is very amazing. I really liked the way you gave a certain depth to Arianna's character and give her a bit of past so we wouldn't be left wondering why she shrieks every time she uses her magic.
The plot is very intriguing and interesting. You left the chapter as if it was a one-shot but I'm really glad it wasn't since I would love to see more of you and your awesome descriptions.
Overall, I think you did a wonderful job and I enjoyed reading your story and if you'd like me to I would happily review the next chapter.
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Awe! thanks so much! I'm glad the pauses worked, I was worried it made everything too choppy so thanks for that especially :)
I see what you mean about the one shot format, I hadn't actually noticed that before but I see what you mean, haha, I'm not sure why it ended like that. There will be more though :)
Thanks so much and I'll definitely be back for another review when the next chapter is up :) Thanks again!
~Ria Report Review
Hey there, it's Laura or Rose Wilts from the forums here with your review!
Firstly - wow. What beautiful prose you have! The way you write is just so captivating. I love the way you can write so much rich detail and such vivid descriptions and yet not have your writing seem overcrowded, as can often happened when people try to make their writing very descriptive. I thought your descriptions seemed almost like poetry, so bravo! I loved it. I'll choose just one section, though I could have picked any - I thought your description in this section was beautiful. When reading I thought I could almost have been watching a Sophia Coppola film or something. It was lovely. Here - "She wore a pale white dress and he could think of nothing else but the way her eyes flitted back and forth across the sky, it had made him pause, to look up and see what so fascinated her. It hadn't been simply tree branches, it had been little bits of dust and lost seeds floating through the summery air and flashing in the sunlight. He had stared long at those bits of nothing caught up and washed in golden light, swimming through the air and dancing like so many little faeries." So wonderful!
The only issue with grammar/spelling I picked up on was this - "He spoke to her I every way he knew and only sometimes was he sure she'd understood." Should that be "he spoke to her IN every..." Although admittedly, it's not my strong point.
As far as the actual plot goes - I am definitely intrigued. The only fics involving Albus or Gellert I've ever read are centred around their relationship. So well done on adding Ariana into the equation and creating something new and original! I love the idea of Gellert loving Ariana so wholly and yet never being certain if she loves him back.
I thoroughly enjoyed reading and reviewing this. Feel free to come back and re-request when the next chapter is up! This is a wonderful start.Author's Response: Hi Laura! Thanks so much for stopping by :) I fixed the grammar bit so it should be up soon.
Your review definitely made my day so thank so much :D I'll most certainly be coming back when another chapter is up! Again thanks so much!
~Ria Report Review
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