Overall, you have written a brillant story. I enjoyed reading this, but a few things are annoying me.
1) Lily's name is not "Lilly" it's "Lily". Also, my guess would be that Lily's name does not stand for "Lillian". I am guessing that in The Order of the Phenix, Sirius would bring up Lily's full name.
2) While I like your OC characters they seem a little too perfect. While they still have a few minor flaws, Jazz, Annie, and Dee are beautiful without many problems. Not to sound pesstimistic or anything, but something bad needs to happen. Relationship problems? Food poisining? Remus running/ dissappering because the other girls found out about his little werewolf problem? Prank gone wrong? The war? I believe that the war has a huge impact at this point in time, so fear should be displayed within most people. The charaters need to have the normal fear of their loved ones being hurt in the war. Remember all of Harry's grandparents are dead.
3) I believe that some of the Order members were in school when the Marauders/ Lily were there. Not one person was mentioned. Maybe you could have, like, Hestia Jones be a year younger or just be mentioned (or Marlene McKinnon, etc.) like they were in the library or something.
Now while I am picking out some of the bad things, I will also remind you of the good things about this.
1. You have a rather good representation of a teenager.
2. The writing itself is captivating and makes you want to read more.
3. Annie is awesome.
I am sorry that I picked out all the bad things about your story. I am much better at saying the things I didn't like about something rather than what I did like about something. I really mean it when I say that this is a great story, but, like all writings an most things in life, it is not pefect and there is room to improve.
Keep motivated and you will suprise yourself with what you can do. Keep writing and you will be suprised about how well you write and how much you can improve.
So, on that note, I will end this essay-like thing and will wish you good luck in you future endeavors.Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the review.
First, I really enjoy the criticism, crazy as that makes me sound. It makes it easier to write the next bit because I know how to improve. I'm gonna go through your points now and answer them (:
1. Someone already pointed out to me that it's 'Lily' so I was in the process of correcting that but I think I got a bit distracted with something else so I will go back and fix that. Also, I'll look over the Lilian thing and see what I can do with that.
2.You're right. It's a bad habit, but I enjoy making the characters perfect and it's harder to add flaws. I guess it's just human nature but I want the characters to be better than what I'm used to if that makes sense? I do intend to add the war in and I plan to kill off Harry's grandparents as I go along so I will do that soon, don't worry.
3.That's a good point, it wouldn't make sense for there to be NO other order members there so I'll make a point to name drop a bit in the future ;)
But thank you for your comments and I really appreciate them. I'll update soon (well I keep promising that, but I really will!)
Kx Report Review
Um i loved it and everything but dont you think that topshop, Taylor Swift and Davin & Goliath are a bit before the marauders time? I dont know if you meant it that way, if so then cool :) its really good.Author's Response: okay so yeah they technically are, but I usually find it easier to write my stories using fashions and stuff of like this time? It's not technically canon which I'm usually very nazi about but I just prefer to have them wearing normal skinny jeans or whatever than bell bottoms which just seem weird to me.
And thank you, I really need to go back and start writing more of this story, it's been ages since I last updated properly so I will do it soon, promise! Report Review
I had to review on this one becuz.grind it? HILARIOUSAuthor's Response: hahaha thanks, I guess it doesn't really fit with the fact that this is technically the late 70s and that's a this decade thing, but I figure it's more fun to have them in this centuries clothing and shizz, xD Report Review
Amazing fic. Best I've read so far. Love how Remus is in this one.Author's Response: Wow. Thank you!
I've never had anyone say that to me before and it is seriously high praise! Thank you thank you thank you!! is all I can really say Report Review
Very good, please update when you get the chance!!
Keep up the good work!!
padmoonyfoot7: over and out!!Author's Response: thanks, I wasn't sure about this one so I'm glad you like it!
p.s Loving the over and out! xD Report Review
OUCH cliffie AWW man now I want to know what happens next Please update sooonAuthor's Response: hahaha you and me both! I have like two possiblities for this next chapter and I don't know which direction I want to go yet...
I'll update as soon as possible!! Report Review
i love this please keep writing it's great. James and lilly should have like a massive argument to heat things up... it's really funny. xxAuthor's Response: haha thanks! I've got a few things planned for the story but I just need to get there! writers block sucks but I'm working through it (: Report Review
This is awesome!!!Please update soon!!
And i'm new so can you please tell me how can i add this story to my favourites??Author's Response: thankyou!
I have to admit that updates have been slow recently (guilty face) but I'm hoping to finish writing my next chapter and have it up as soon as I can...
Favourites, erm there is a add to favourites button at the bottom of the information section, above the chapters when you click on the story, or at the bottom of each chapter above the review box. Just click it and it'll add, but you have to be signed in to your account
But yay! thankyou! Report Review
Keep up the good work!!
padmoonyfoot7: over and out!!Author's Response: thankyou (: Report Review
Great story!! Can't wait for next chappie!!
James and Lily are perfect!!
But what about Dee and Remus, they're so cute, maybe you could write about their date??
Peter's a bit quiet and suspicious, and I think that Jazz and Sirius a perfect for eachother!!! Also Annie and Timothy are perfect!!
Keep up the good work!!
padmoonyfoot7: over and out!!Author's Response: That's actually a pretty good idea, I have some chapters written out but I haven't included that yet (I don't think) maybe I'll go back and put it in...or it can be a flashback somewhere...ohh I have so many ideas where I can include this now!
Yeah Peter is a bit quiet, I think I need to bring his character up a bit seeing as James and Lilly do trust him right up until the end...
And I hope to include more of all the relationships (including the marauders) as I go through
Thankyou (: Report Review
love ur story!
specially Remus and Dee, and James and Lily.
Keep up the good work!!
padmoonyfoot7: over and out!!Author's Response: Thankyou, There's gonna be a lot more of them coming up! Report Review
That was so sweet! I loved it!! Write more, and up-date REALLY SOON PLEASE! 10/10 for cuteness!Author's Response: Aww thankyou! It was really fluffy but you've got to have some fluff every now and again xD I'll update soon I promise! Report Review
LOve the chapter. I hope you update soon. Thanks!
P.S.- Read my ficsAuthor's Response: Thankyou, I'll update in the next couple of days, and yeah i'll take a look (: Report Review
Awww that was so cute! I loved itAuthor's Response: Thankyou (: Next chapters up in a couple of days (: Report Review
I am liking your story.Do update it fast!!There weren't much mistakes as such...but u have used same actor as James & Peter's photo..Am i mistaking or they are both diff?:PAuthor's Response: Do you mean James and Remus? Because I looked and I think you might be right, I may actually have been that stupid! Thanks for letting me know (: Report Review
Two things: James' middle name is Charlus but you came pretty close and he and Sirius have black hair. So far you fic is fantastic! Keep up the great writing!Author's Response: Wow, I didn't even know that, I literally just made up a middle name, thanks I will edit that :) Report Review
Yay! They're dating :D Really cute story and nicely writtenAuthor's Response: Yay! I know right, how sweet! thank you (: Report Review
i am Author's Response: As a spelling/grammar mistake?
I guess technically it is when you're writing but I figured that as they were talking and you rarely say I am when you are speaking I could get away with it... but thank you (: Report Review
Love the story. Keep Updating! Thanks!
-FawkesAuthor's Response: Thankyou, I'll send a new chapter up soon (: Report Review
That was a really great story. Hope u write more chapters on this story. Cool story.Author's Response: Thanks, I will I've got a few more pre written and then I need to get thinking xD Report Review
Hello! I really like this and how it's not the school year. It's quote interesting. Write more!Author's Response: Haha it gets to school eventually but I figured why start with the boring bit? Summer is way more interesting! Report Review
I Really Enjoyed You'reFirst Chapter. I'm Starting My First Fanfic As Well, Though You Are Much Farther Along Then I Am. So I Guess Good Luck To Us Both.Author's Response: Thankyou, and good luck! Report Review
hey good job i liked it please keep going!Author's Response: Thankyou (:
I'll put the next one in the queue for you Report Review
This is so good! Loving the whole race thing! Absolutely amazing and hurry up and write more!!Author's Response: Hahaha it was such a random thought but I just wanted Lilly to have things about her that even James doesn't know
And the next one is in the queue so as soon as validation allows you'll get the next chapter :D Report Review
Go Lily! yay i liked it so who cares cant wait for the next one.Author's Response: Thankyou!
Yeah it was a bit of a filler but I wanted to show that even though he may have stalked her a bit over the years, James still doesn't know everything about her and she has a lot of hidden stuff
The next one is in the queue and will be up as soon as it's validated so look out! (: Report Review
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