Hi, i'm here for your requested review!
Alright, my first thoughts on this story is that it is unique and different and I've never read any story where it's exploring the idea of what it might be like to be a Legilimins. So i think that it's off to a great start simply because it's so different and a like the plot so far.
So far it seems very dialogue driven, just be sure to keep it more balanced in the future so we can see what is actually happening with the characters. I also noticed that it sometimes seemed a little passive, there were parts that you could have definitely shown the readers, like her activity tests, which would have made the readers get to know her a little bit more and sympathize more.
I really like how you've set this up though and i hope that one of the major themes in this story is that whole Legilimens problem. I totally understand how this could be such a testy subject because having someone able to read your mind would be a very creepy thing indeed and i understand there might even be some prejudice against it simply because Voldemort was such a good one. That might even put people off by it as well.
I did question why she wants to be an auror, i think that's an important thing because at the moment i'm wondering why myself since there is something in her character that doesn't seem like she would want to be one. When you mentioned the investigative department in chapter 1 i thought that would fit her talents more. Or she'd be really good at interrogating at whoever the auror's catch, but i'd love to see a reason why she specifically wants to be a auror.
Another quick thing i noticed was that there was a few grammar problems and spelling issues that i'd suggest fo ryou to go over again just to be sure that everything says exactly what you want it to say and that words are spelt correct. I think that it was in the first couple sentences that staring was spelt as startling. Maybe even get a beta?
There was too many spaces between the paragraphs, it may just be a pet peeve of mine but i'd suggest taking the time to make them less.
I'm also curious about the time period of this, is Harry already married to Ginny? Is Hermione working in Bones' office yet or is she still off with the treatment of magical creatures? These are some questions that should perhaps be answered soon so we can sort of place this story somewhere.
I do like the idea that Susan Bones is in this story, it makes me quite happy to see her in the story and i liked that she wasn't immediately accepted but that there is a force against her. It takes away that mary sueishness that they get exactly what they want and i thought it was a lovely contrast to see that she believed they'd accept her with open arms and how she actually wasn't. Great job.Author's Response: Glad you like it so far :)
I do have a weakness for dialogue, so thank you for calling me out on that. I'll work on balancing it more in the future. I skipped over the tests because I honestly didn't think they'd be that interesting, and I'm planning on having the next few chapters be about her training, anyways.
And yes, the Legilimens problem is going to be a big part of the story. I think it it's a big issue that would really shape someone's personality and character, and actually it was my inspiration for the story. I was thinking about Snape, and how very few people actually trusted him. Obviously not only because he was a Legilimens, but still.
As far as her motives for becoming an Auror - She has some mixed reasons, which will come out later on. But I can tell you that part of it is just that part of us that we all have, that makes us want to be superheroes or police or whatever.. life is a little tame and although she doesn't really know what she is getting into, she has this vision of grandeur associated with Aurors (which is probably pretty common).
Thanks for pointing out my spelling mistake, and the spacing.. I'll get that fixed :)
As for the timing, it's set in 2013, so Harry and Ginny are already married. Harry has been the Head of the Auror Office for six years (James II is about eight years old). Hermione is still in the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures.
And I'm glad you like Susan Bones! I always feel like the minor characters don't get enough love, and the Golden Trio runs the show, so I like involving other people - which is why most of the people in this story are OCs. But I think some more minor characters will make appearances as well :)
Thank you so much for this awesome review! You gave me some good feedback so I can keep improving my writing :) Report Review
I'm back! Had to procrastinate a bit longer and read the next chapter! I like Payton a lot, as do I like your story! It's so interesting and original, and I will definitely be following through it. Payton stays in character in this chapter to me, though if I'm being honest, I wanted to read the bit where she had to go through the exhausting physical part of her training. I admit I think that would have been quite humorous! Anyway, the story's a favorite now, so thanks for the good read! I'll be looking forward to updates!Author's Response: That was only the evaluations! I actually considered not including the actual training, but after thinking about it, I really can't justify skipping it (and it's going to be fun to write!), so that'll be in the upcoming chapters.
I'm really glad you like it!! Report Review
Hi there! I was just browsing through the recently added stories, and this one caught my eye. I must say, it's quite good! I don't much have time to read stories lately, but I'm glad I read yours! The plot is completely original, it's believable (though I'd love to hear more of Payton's background) and it flows very nicely. The characterization of Payton is done wonderfully, she's a very capable OC and can stand on her own, I'd reckon! The only bit that got to me, isn't Hermione Weasley supposed to be the Head of Magical Enforcement at this time, not Susan Bones? Just a nit-pick, really. This was a wonderful read, and I will be continuing it and adding it to my favorites! I just love stumbling onto a well-written story :)Author's Response: I knew Hermione went into the Magical Law Enforcement Department, but as far as I could tell, using the HP Wiki and the Lexicon, it never actually says that she was the Head. I like to mix it up a bit -- sometimes I feel like the Golden Trio gets to be a little TOO golden, you know?
But thank you so much for your lovely review! I'm glad you like it, and it's ridiculously encouraging to get feedback on it. Thank you! Report Review
Hey, I came back to see what chapter two looked like :)
For some reason, I really like the fact that this is written in present tense. It just seems refreshing after reading (and writing) so much in past tense.
That little exchange between Payton and Cyrus was really funny. "Because it's not polite!" - Hah. Well, it's not :)
I really like your attention to detail in this piece. It was super interesting to read about her testing. I was thinking that it would be more of a hands-on kind of evaluation, but leave it to the Ministry to go straight bureaucracy with a paper and pencil... well, parchment and quill test. Anyway, all the little details at each step of the plot really make this interesting and easy to follow for me, and I appreciate all the info.
Plot-wise, this is getting really interesting. I'm looking forward to seeing what Payton's dorm experience is like. I sense that she will have a less-than-perfect roommate or two. More than that, though, I'm looking forward to watching her training unfold. I'm crossing my fingers for her :)
Nice job! I can't wait to see what you've got next!
AmandaAuthor's Response: I'm glad you like the present tense... I don't know why, but when I'm writing in first person, it always seems to flow more naturally in present tense than in past tense. I feel like I'm more inside the character's head, you know?
I accidentally fell in love with Cyrus :) He was supposed to be just a random guy who shows up once and then you never see him again, but I think I'm going to have to get him involved later on. I like how he and Payton interact.. kinda lightens the mood, you know?
I thought a lot about the evaluations and training, and how I wanted to do them since they're obviously not canon... My first thought was like yours, more of a hands-on kind of deal, but I decided that I'd leave the evaluations as more of a paperwork-y deal and involve a lot more physical kind of stuff in the actual training. I think it makes sense because the evaluations are just to ascertain whether or not someone is eligible to train. . . Whether they can graduate the program is a whole different story.
And her dorm experience will be rather interesting! Sheâs going to have some interesting roommates, which will also make the training itself a little more fun.
Thank you again for your amazing review! I hope the story continues to entertain you!
Very intriguing and very well written. Captured me from the start. Can't wait for the rest! I like that there is enough information but not so much that it takes all the mystery away. Slytherin Review Tag ML_Author's Response: Thanks :) I'm really glad you liked it! Report Review
Hey! Here from Slytherin Review Tag :)
First of all, congratulations on posting the first chapter of your first story! It's a big step and can be a scary one, so pat yourself on the back.
I think Legilimency is really interesting, so I was excited to see that it would be a theme in this story. I think that such a skill would be a huge advantage for a potential Auror!
I like the beginning of this chapter a lot. You make it easy to identify with your protagonist, as most everyone has had to wait to hear the results of something like a job interview at one time or another. It can be especially awkward to overhear people deciding your fate, that's for sure! With the comments about her age and the dress robes, you've created a good deal of sympathy for her, which is good for an OC. In addition, you've created an atmosphere where she clearly feels quite powerless, like everything she says or does is working against her. Again, good job in staying away from the perfect Mary Sue-like cliche that we see all too often.
I like the way you talked about Payton's Legilimency training, too. It was cute to imagine her accidentally jumping inside her father's head when she was a mere child, and I liked the part about how her mother always spoke her mind anyway so she didn't mind being married to a Legilimens. I am a little surprised that you didn't include more overt Legilimency in this one, like having her read Harry's or Max's thoughts (since we know Harry did so well with Occulmency training... ahem). I'll also be interested to see how she performs as an Occulmens, since we mainly learned about her Legilimency training in this chapter.
Nice work! You've got an interesting plot and I'll be interested to see where Payton's story goes from here. In addition, thanks for not begging for reviews -- again, it's refreshing :)
AmandaAuthor's Response: Thank you! *tries to pat back, settles for shoulder*
I'm really glad you liked it. And I'm really relieved to get positive feedback on my OC, since I was kind of afraid she was turning out two-dimensional and a little boring. Hopefully as I continue I'll be able to develop her much more.
As far as her Occlumency training, I guess I wasn't really clear about it, which I didn't realize as I was writing. I intended Occlumency to be the flip side of the coin, you know? So she was trained in Occlumency as well, but Legilimency is the area where she would actually be able to be of more use to others. I'll make that clearer as I continue writing.
The reason I didn't have her actually performing Legilimency kind of ties in with the trust issue that she continually faces. It's a question of integrity, and if she started reading minds without permission she wouldn't be able to earn anyone's trust. It's actually going to be a continuing internal conflict throughout the story.
Thank you for this amazingly in-depth review! It's really good to get feedback, and you're a lovely reviewer! Report Review
I think this is a pretty good start to a story, especially since it's your first story. I like the idea of having a legillimens as a main character, and you write about the qualms other people would have about her very well. I look forward to seeing where you take this. Good job!
xxEnigmaticEyes16Author's Response: Thank you! I really appreciate your r&r ... the beginning is always my hardest part, but I think the upcoming chapters will be more interesting. Thank you again for reading! Report Review
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