4 Reviews Found

Review #1, by caoty Part One: The Game

17th August 2012:
Hey there, I'm from the review thread in the common room, and I think you've got great potential as a writer but honestly could benefit from taking a look at some of the logic in the universe you've set up here. I'll give you a couple of examples:

a) The Darias. If Daria 1 is the fated saviour of the wizarding world or something along those lines, is she going to be so quick to throw her life away after a rejection? (That said, I'm not underestimating the general misery of unrequited love, but perhaps you could have expanded that a bit, so that we see Daria as tragic rather than overdramatic.) And if there is a willing and ready replacement for her, is the Minister going to be all that worried? And how likely is it that someone will reveal a huge state secret in a game of Truth or Dare? Maybe I'm missing the point - I probably am - but I just find it difficult to understand.

b) Where is Dumbledore in all this? Surely both Darias would be of special interest to him.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just being an idiot and you've revealed the answers later on.

Anyway, good luck with writing, and may I (just this last one and then you'll never have to interact with me again, I swear) suggest you get this fic beta read for a few technical errors?

So, sorry for all the negativity, and I'll see you around. *waves*

Author's Response: Hello! Thanks for reviewing! And I don't mind the critiques, they help A LOT!

Here are some answers

a) Daria (1 & 2) is overdramatic. But only sometimes, she's kinda bipolar. And the Minister will come back into play, I have plans for him... *insert evil laugh*

b) Dumbledore is... well at first I forgot about him. He's more important second term. He also helps more with visions than the whole multiple Darias thing.

And I do have a beta now! YEAH! She is my best buddie, so she can help me out face-to-face! I just won't see her for two more weeks.

Again, thanks for the review! Sorry it took me so long to reply, I was in the BAHAMAS! :D

Happy Reading
Shay_Gryff :D

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Review #2, by Opalpixiechick Part One: The Game

14th August 2012:
Love your story. :) Keep up the great work. :) I can't wait to read the next chapter.

Author's Response: Yeah! I love reviews! Thank you so much for leaving one!

I'm out of town, but an update will be coming in a few days.

Shay_Gryff :D

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Review #3, by MysticPhoenix Part One: The Game

9th August 2012:
Hi there! Tagging you from the "Review the Person Above you"!

So first off I love Marauders stories as you already know! :) So I was very excited to read and review this chapter. I think you have a great idea for a plot going on here. You have an original character with a tragic background and a dark secret, this always draws interest and adds great depth to the character or characters.

I really wish these was a little bit more to the opening. Maybe in the argument between the Minster of Magic and the Healers.

I do have a few CCs for you. First one is that the dialog and the sentence structuring get a little confusing to follow and occasionally feels very rushed, this makes for a hard read. Maybe add in some more transition sentences and phrases.

For example:

"The only person missing was Remus, and he was in the prefects’ meeting. (Lily had already gotten back.) They all love to laugh at my pathetic love life, "

You go from Remus not being there to her friends enjoying poking fun at her love life. That just comes out of nowhere and is a little confusing.

Maybe phrasing it like this might work better: "The only person miss from our group was Remus. The group did not feel complete without him. Once he arrived than the joking would really start, and I would be their main target. My friend's enjoyed poking fun at my pathetic love life."

I also spotted several grammatical errors and words missing. Getting a Beta can help with that. I know it has helped my storied a lot!

My last one is the length of the chapter. It's so long. May break it up into two chapters.

Other than that I think you have an awesome story going on with a mysterious OC who is a Seer attempting to live a normal teenage life. While as normal as life can get or a young witch.

Author's Response: Hello again!

I like Marauder stories too! Writing this is fun.

The Minister and the Healer will come back into play later, I have plans for Daria's memories... *evil laugh*

And thank you for the CCs, I need to edit some stuff because I was just so ready to post I forgot the whole 'let's see how this actually flows' thing I'm also only just going into High School, so my writing needs some work anyways.

I do plan on getting a Beta eventually, but for now I just want to force myself to crank out some writing. I'll do a BIG edit after I finish posting all the chapters.

The reason the chapter was so long was because I didn't want to have to wait to update and not all my individual planned chapters were 500 words. They're getting longer, so I'll post each chapter by itself now.
I also eventually want to go in and add some stuff in, edit wording and seperate each chapter, but that won't happen until I'm done, maybe later.

Again, thank you for reviewing! Term one is almost over and then it will got more into detail about the relationships (friend ones included).

Honestly, this book was mostly to introduce the relationship between Kaila/Sirius and Lily/James, but I'm really enjoying writing about Daria and Noah.

Part three will be up soon, but I'll be on a Two Week vacation, so I'll try to send in the next bit tomorrow.

Thank again!
Shay_Gryff :D

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Review #4, by Blackkat13 Part One: The Game

19th February 2012:
This is a great story. It gets a little listy at some points, but other than that, lovely!! Please keep writing!! And update VERY SOON!!!

Author's Response: I'm so sorry that I didn't reply sooner! Yhank you for the lovely review!

Sorry about the listy-ness, It's basicly my first written work. I'll try to work on that. Thank you for telling me!

I'm currently working on the Hogsmeade trip, so an update will be coming in about a week.

Thanks for reading!!


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