Quite excellent. Whenever I do get around to writing a Next Gen, I always thought Scorpius would be a Gryffindor and it's exciting to see that someone else thought the same way. Great writing as well! Report Review
Hi there :) I really enjoyed this little story. I think Scorpius is quite a difficult person to write because some people make him very Malfoy-ish, some people make him the exact opposite and some in the middle. I have to say I liked your version of him very much. He's more or less your average kid who knows his family has a bit of a history but not enough to really effect him too much.
I also liked gobby little Evan, he seems like he would be a fun character to write. I noticed from reading your replies to other reviews that this is in preparation for another story? I will have to watch out for that.
One bit of advice - you say this is a one-shot and there seems to be no more coming for this particular story, so I would change it from 'Work-in-progess' to 'Completed'. Then potential readers know where they stand.
Anyway, good job. I'll look out for the main story. Do you know when you'll be publishing it?Author's Response: First off: Thank you so much for the review! xD It really makes my day whenever I get these.
I'm glad you liked my version of Scorp! I felt the same way about all the other versions running around and just felt like getting my opinion out there. I really enjoyed playing with his character...ALMOST as much as I enjoyed thinking up Evan's. He really is a fun to write. Hopefully just as much to read. xP
This is indeed ground work. I actually finalized the first chapter today and sent it to be validated, so I hope you check it out. xD The ending was giving me a little trouble, but I'm pretty pleased with it so far. And I'll stop there before I make this reply a sales pitch.
Thanks for your advice! I didn't even notice. -fixed-
Thanks again for the awesome review! Report Review
Hey! This is GrangerDanger76 with your review! First off, I am SO sorry for the delay. To tell you the truth I read this like a million years ago, and forgot to type the review! AH!
Anyways, I really like the banner, it’s beautiful!
Okay! On to the story!
I totally love this! It was absolutely adorable! So I am not one for Grammar, to be honest I jack it up myself all the time.
Characterization – I truly felt like I knew Scorpius in this. You wouldn’t believe how many stories I read where Scorpius is so one dimensional. You have given new life to Scorpius, and created remarkable depth, for being a one shot! I liked his light interactions with the other characters. It made the story light, and easy to read. This is a charming story, but my advice, is go FURTHER! I can already tell you’re a talented writer, so right more! Add description, and details! I want to know more! I see Scorpius as a round and dynamic character, but expand upon some of the others.
Plot – The plot was very light.
“Oh yes! I checked it out last week for a bit of light reading!”
Ha. Ha. Hermione.
Anyways, That’s almost how I felt with this story. It was light. The story was charming and easy. While Scorpius’ character might have depth, the plot…not so much. I was excited when I read the description on this, but I didn’t get much. I think you are so talented, but I truly just want to know more!
Nice job for your first story. I can’t wait to see what else you will succeed at!
~GrangerDanger76Author's Response: That's alright, I knew you'd get around to it eventually. :)
And can I just say WOW! Thank you so much! This is actually about half of what I originally had (since it was to establish the relationships between the main boys in my novella), but I cut it off because it read more like a first chapter than a one-shot. So I guess kudos for you for knowing there was more to the story? xD But if I left you wanting more (in the not-intentional way) then I obviously didn't do so great a job.
What would make the plot meatier? Should I touch more on the 'slimy death eater son' bit? I kind of wanted it to have a bit of a darker undertone so all of this 'light' talk has really thrown me for a loop. Not quite sure how to handle it. xD
Thank you so much for the lovely review! I can't wait for you to see more. Hope I live up to your expectations. Report Review
Hi! It's me with your review!
First off, I really liked this. I don't think you really have much to worry about in this story.
I think you really captured the innocence and childlikeness that Scorpius would have as an eleven year-old, but you gave it that tainted element that would have come with being a Malfoy and knowing what your father and grandfather did. It was actually very well done.
Also, I don't think you have to worry about interest level with this story, as your author's note at the beginning of the chapter really captured my attention. I've read Hufflepuff Scorp, Ravenclaw Scorp, and Slytherin Scorp, but I've never read Gryffindor Scorp (and if I ever do again I suspect it would be just because the author wanted to spite Draco, haha). But I didn't get that vibe from you- that you wanted to spite Draco, I mean. You really gave a good reason for putting Scorpius in Gryffindor. You captured my attention at the beginning of the one-shot and kept it all the way through.
I found some punctuation/ spelling errors, but I'm sure those can be fixed if you go back and really comb through the story. I find actually reading it out loud helps me when I edit. Also, there were some spacing erros (like you didn't press 'enter' when you should have), but that can be easily remedied.
Some sentences like this one: "Everyone though Scorpius was too young to know the truth but he wasn't stupid, he understood what they didn't tell him from what he saw and heard, and it all made sense with what they chose to tell him." were a bit awkward and in this one there were some words that didn't make sense (like 'though') that I think you meant to be other words. This sentence sounded a bit run-on and the like. Again, just reading through carefully woudl fix that.
The pace of the story was really well done, especially because it didn't just stay in the present. You gave Scorp some mini-flashblacks, which were nice.
When Evan was talking to Sheppard, it was a bit awkward and felt sort of unecessary, especially because Sheppard didn't really do anything else in the one-shot. Also, I felt a lot of the purpose of that was to describe Evan's personality, which isn't really needed all too much because this is a one-shot and not a novel or novella- or even a short story. I think it'd be better if you used that to better focus on Scorpius or not use it at all. Or just change what happens there a bit.
Sorry I was really nit-picky during this review, but you asked for specifics and it's a one-shot so... ;)
I really liked this one-shot, though. I think you did a really good job and that all you really need is to go back and edit.
classicblackAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to get this! It was really helpful. A lot of the mistakes (like spacing) I think got lost in translation because I didn't bother with code and tried to copy and paste it all straight from word, but thanks anyway for pointing them out.
Originally this one-shot was about 3000ish words and read more like a first chapter, simply because I was trying to get a feel for my characters in the novella I'm working on, which is why Evan gets some spotlight (and Sheppard and Celina for that matter, but I digress). I kept it in during the cut-down because it kind of contrasted Scorpius' feelings toward the Slytherin back-talkers to his will-be friends; Flint and Rosier being ignorant jerks and Evan simply brazen because there's a purpose to his dislike. I'm probably going to end up bugging you with a PM with this issue later (sorry in advance), but what would you suggest if I chose to keep this section? What would you change?
The sentence you mentioned ("Everyone thought Scorpius yada yada yada...") has given me a lot of grief, but I think it's kind of important. Am I wrong? Is it unnecessary with all the other arguments I gave toward Scorpius being a Slytherin? Gryffindor pride and self-righteousness and all...
Once again, thank you SO much for the review! And so speedy, too! I really appreciate it. Also thanks for all your sweet compliments and encouragements. It really means a lot. I'm very, very happy that you didn't loose interest.
Thanks again! (for the umpteenth time)
God bless Report Review
That was so cool and amazingAuthor's Response: Aww! Thank you so much! xD It's so sweet of you to reply. I'm really glad you liked it. Thanks again!
"Amazing" ... -dies of happiness- Report Review
This was brilliant!
I've never thought of Scorpius being in Gryffindor, but wow, you make a really great point.
I LOVED the nickname part, god I can only imagine his horror if "Scorpy-dorpey" ever made it's way to Hogwarts.
The part with the sorting hat was wonderful as well. He's got such a complex situation for an 11 year old, and you wrote it very well.
All together, his is really wonderful.
Would you ever think about continuing it, or keep it as a one-shot?Author's Response: THANK YOU SO MUCH! -girl squeals of bliss-
I really can't thank you enough for this review. It's so sweet and I'm so proud that it just leaves me a little in awe--or maybe that isn't the right word. I'm sorry this is such a crap response. I'm awful at explaining myself. I just want to say that it's both gratifying and humbling for someone to use words like "brilliant" "really great" "loved" "wonderful" and "complex" to describe one's own work, and I'm very, very grateful to you for taking the time to review.
I love the nicknames too! xD Those and the rest of the boys' remarks were my favorite things to write. And I can only imagine the EXTENT of Scorp's horror if "Scorpy-dorpey" ever came to Hogwarts. Extreme measures would be taken to insure he is still scary and intimidating. :P He's my little Batman in training.
And, again, I am so, so, sooo happy that you liked Scorpius' character, and that you think I handled all his issues well. It's so true--and JKR touched on it in the books--that kids understand 'adult world' problems, or they at least understand the gravity of what's going on and I wanted to touch on that because even Hogwarts was never fluffy and warm. I was aiming to have a strong character in the body of an eleven-year-old boy, and if you think I accomplished it, then I do too.
Actually, this is sort of a prequel to a novel I'm working on called "Ask the Blind Man". It takes place in Scorp's seventh year, and though he isn't a main character, he is definitely one of the lead protagonists. I may post some of my other snippets and one-shots later, but they'll need a lot of revising as most of them were simply to help with characterization and history.
Thanks again for your awesome review! I wish I could give you a present or something for being the first, but I have no idea what you'd want. Oh well, will my undying love work? :P
(Wow. Ain't this a monster of a response? Sorry about the rambling.) Report Review
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