I just reviewed the first story you published, and I'm going for it's exact opposite. In my opinion, this is yet the one-shot where you've shown the most mastery.
I still love the way you have to create a rythm so strong your text barely need any descriptions, just weel-places clues that leave to imagination and rythm to construct all the rest.
The fact that even your character answers to that silent music -oh, how do I love oxymorons- made it story your best work.
It's so easy to keep on composing from your text, I don't think I'd seen a text that fluid on the internet before. Reminds me just a tiny bit of Gao Xingjian -an author worth trying, by the way. Particularly on the way you have to evoke sadness.
There are still some very, very small details that feel like a note played a bit too heavily. ("But then again, he never could") But hey...It's still the right note.Author's Response: Thanks so much - it means a lot that you went through it. :)
I hear the words in my head as I write, so sometimes the story does end up adopting a rhythm, intentional or not. I'm glad you liked it though - I didn't want to go overboard on the description, especially because the big one was the one of the sunset.
That's one of the nicest compliments I've ever gotten, so thank you! And I definitely will give that author a look.
There's always room for improvement, so thanks for pointing that out - I'll keep it in mind as I keep writing. Thank you very much for the review! :) Report Review
One must pose the question of when your authors page just EXPLODED. i swear every time I've looked recently there's been another million things that looked fabulous and that made me want to read it. This was one of the stories actually, which I was like MUST GO READ.
Mostly because you've been blessed with this beautiful ability to write poetic pretty things without sounding like the most pretenious person on the planet. As a lit student, I like a bit of pretenious with my reading, but you manage to pull off profound, pretty and lovely without that. I like it. I like it a lot.
I liked almost everything about this actually. Imma add it to my favourites and just like you and stalk your page and stuff. Yup, there's my plan.
Loved it :)
-ACAuthor's Response: lol that's funny because I was just looking at my author's page and was really confused at what point had I written more than like, one thing. o.o I've actually written stuff this year. Kind of a weird feeling.
Not sounding pretentious, score! I'm always slightly terrified that it'll come off being super pretentious. (blame it on the honors English class) So thank you. ♥
I'll stalk your page too and so we can be mutual stalkers and it will be fun. -nods- thank you so much for the review! :) Report Review
Oh, Hannah, my poor heart. This is gorgeous and heartbreaking all at once. Your imagery is fantastic, especially with the sunset. It was perfect, beautiful. Everything is perfect. From James's tight collar to the heat of the church to his thoughts of religion, the belief his parents have in each other rather than some higher being.
The whole part with James wishing Lily died believing the world was a kind place, that she was just a child believing in childish things...I think that was my favorite and really drove home the grief of losing someone so young, of remembering things you had done and wishing you could relive them and maybe change things you wish you had never done. It's all so terribly sad, and you do a fantastic job with that.
I don't even know what else to say except how beautiful this piece was. I adore your writing to pieces and this was no exception. I wish I could leave you a better review, something slightly less flail-y and more comments on how wonderful this was, but I'm at a loss for words, still silently contemplating life and wishing I could hear the sunset.Author's Response: You're far too kind to me... I'm so glad you liked the imagery, as the entire story was really written off of this one idea of the sunset.
I think the what-ifs might be one of the worst parts - constantly second guessing every decision you made, wondering what you might have done better.
And I wish I could leave a better response, but I suppose this will have to be adequate. Thank you so so much ♥ Report Review
i love all things combining doctor who and harry potter in any way, plus im a dark and twisty person and like angst every now and then, great story, ill defanatly read it againAuthor's Response: Doctor Who and Harry Potter are the best! :) Thanks so much for the review! Report Review
Jingle bells, jingle bells... ♥ I am here for the first of a series of Secret Santa reviews for you!
Your imagery, right off, is absolutely gorgeous. I love the way you can play with words, almost using them as an artistic medium to create exactly the right scene -- especially when describing the sunsets. Your image of a sunset was as close as anyone can hope to get when writing, and that is just so amazing to read. The next-best thing to seeing an actual sunset, in my opinion. You completely nailed it! But all the descriptive language, really -- the tightness of James's collar, the heat of the church, the imagined music. It all just meshed so well; one of the most consistent and rhythmic stories I've read in a long, long time.
For some reason, I really, really like sad stories, much more so than happily-ever-after, right-as-rain ones. They seem a bit more realistic, calling upon the sad parts of life that no one likes to dwell on, and yet are so proficient. The tone set here was great, and I actually really liked the anonymity of it -- any more revelation wouldn't have fit quite right with the way the rest of the piece was constructed. I want to know what happened to Lily -- and wonder if you know yourself -- but it's not necessary information to the story, and I rather like it without it.
If you couldn't tell, I absolutely loved this piece -- you have a very gorgeous style of writing, and I could find absolutely nothing at fault with grammar, spelling, or punctuation. None of it! This was so beautiful and poignant, and if you don't win your challenge, or gain a place, I will be extremely surprised. Your quote was integrated seamlessly, and fit so well with the story you chose to portray.
Amazing job -- very well-done, and I definitely look forward to reading more from you in leaving additional reviews. :D You should be proud of this! I hope you have a happy Christmas, too!Author's Response: Thank you for the reviews! They made my day!
I was about to go to sleep one night when all of the sudden, this description just came to me. So I got out of bed, turned the light back on, and used the notebook that I handily keep around for situations like these. The rest of the story shaped itself around that description of the sunset, so I'm really really glad you liked it.
I'm attracted to writing sad stories, for whatever reason - perhaps it is the realism. There are some things that you can't ignore, after all. As for Lily... to be honest, I'm not positive. (bad author!) I decided it wasn't really necessary, so it was left out. But I would imagine that it was an accident of some sort - nobody's fault, just something unfortunate.
Thank you very much! That means an awful lot to me. ♥ and thank you for reviewing! Report Review
I want to start by saying that this is a beautiful piece! I love how I didn't exactly know what was going on when I started reading, but caught on that it was Lily's funeral. The way that came out flowed beautifully in with the rest of the piece! I love the characterization of James and the description used throughout the piece. I also wonder, at what age are you picturing James at?
Also, there are a few things that sort of caught my eye and were mildly distracting.
"They were born during a time of distrust and fear and have learned that to survive, you must save yourself. There are no angels hiding up above that will come down and scoop you up and bring you to safety. You must make your own destiny - that is what they believe." -The use of 'you' in this section sort of throws off the flow. It makes it more directed towards the reader, while the rest draws in the reader without pointing to them directly.
"There is so much he wasted while she was alive." -Just a small grammar thing here. I believe you want 'was' instead of 'is'. Real nit picky, sorry.
"The sounds of the sunset have been replaced by the sounds of dusk."-Another real nit picky grammar thing. Instead of 'have', 'has'. Just to keep it in first person.
Other than those few small nit-picky things, I really did love the story! My favorite line (I just have to share) is the imagery here, in the sounds.
"It is a song of death, but the promise of a new morning. It is the sound of red colliding into yellow, melting into lavender, slipping into indigo. It is the sound of leftover wishes and stirring hopes."
I absolutely love how it flows and how it's written! Really great job! It's beautiful!Author's Response: Thank you for the review! :) As for James' age - it's not really set in stone, but I imagined his as a preteen/young teenager - maybe around 13?
Thank you for also pointing those out - I have trouble keeping track of my tenses, so that's something that I'll take another look at and fix! Also, with the you - that makes total sense. :) I really, really appreciate constructive feedback - it means a lot to me and is so helpful!
The imagery/sounds of the sunset were what inspired me to actually write the piece, so I'm glad you liked it. Thank you very much for the helpful review! :) Report Review
Awh I really liked this! Great job at descriptions and how James was feeling- I really felt what he was feeling. And don't worry! I didn't find this story sad at all; it was more hopeful, as if everything was going to be okay.
I really liked how you described James' feeling towards not wanting to see her dead body get lowered into the ground- that it wasn't her and that she was somewhere better now.
"He is not religious, but he can feel her above him, everywhere. She is everywhere. She is everything."
I loved that line! I understood it so much and it really made me happy that James was thinking positively in all of this :) Because Lily was part of everything again, as she was before she was born. It was beautiful :)
Great job! :D
10/10Author's Response: I'm glad you thought it was hopeful at the end - I tried not to make it too much of a downer! :)
I think it's sort of nice to try and think that while someone might no longer be living in their body, they still live on in spirit and in our hearts. Call me a sap, but there you go!
Thank you so much for the review! :) Report Review
Awww!! This is really sad. Poor James. I love the end, with the sunset... And how he'll never forget. Amazing job!!Author's Response: Thank you for the review! :) Report Review
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