Aw that was so sad, yet so happy at the same time! I love the fact that Lupin survived the battle, that has always been one of my head canons. Teddy was so cute in this adorable one-shot and he countered the dark and unhappy side of the death and memories of Tonks just perfectly.
Reading about Lupins feelings almost brought tears to my eyes. This was a beautifuly written one-shot, a one-shot that I will definatly be coming back to read over and over again.
Thank you for the amazing story and an amazing read
Snoopy xAuthor's Response: Hey thank you for the review :)
I'm glad you liked this and it's a little bittersweet for the whole way through. Teddy is actually adorable and I really liked writing about him.
Lupin is just so cute and him living a life without Tonks is almost unimaginable! Report Review
You wrote the emotion in this very well, I felt so sad seeing Remus go through so much sadness and grief. You wrote it so beautifully, and I loved how Teddy was keeping him going.
A very good read.Author's Response: Wow thank you so much for the review!
This was very hard to write with all the emotion but I'm glad you think I showed all of the grief and emotion in this. I'm glad you think Teddy was written well as I generally struggle writing small children! Report Review
Awww... That was lovely. You really nailed the emotions that Remus would have carried with him, had he survived the battle. It's nice to see that he's moved on, in a limited way, with his life. He was a terrific DADA teacher in the books.
I loved your nice, atmospheric details when you were describing things like the shoebox and the photos. It was very easy to imagine the smell and the feel and the texture. Even the small details, like photo-Dora getting out of the way to avoid getting splashed with Lupin's tear were very well done.
I noticed a few small typos, like "pain" instead of "paint" in the description of the fire trucks, but overall this was well written. The raw emotions came through very clearly.
Nicely done!Author's Response: Thank you so much, I'm so glad that you thought I'd nailed the emotions well. That was my main concern within the chapter because in my opinion he was such an amazing character which doesn't get as much recognition as he deserves. I could never really imagine Remus fully moving on with his life if he survived and Tonks didn't.
I'm glad you think I made the whole situation come alive with the description I gave, it was meant to be an emotive piece which would get people thinking about people who had survivors guilt and how it wasn't always easy.
Thank you again for the review! Report Review
To start off, let me say that you did a great job on portraying the thoughts and emotions that a person with survivors guilt actually experience. The story as a whole had a very melancholy feel to it, which is very true to what I felt you were trying to accomplish. Personally I would have liked a little bit of lightness somewhere within the story, to brighten the feel up a bit. However, I can understand the meaning behind what you have done here, and respect that.
There were a few times when some of the words you used, threw me off and confused me. For example:
"slowly he paced to the window" - When I see the word paced I think of pacing back and forth and considering the context of the information around this sentence I am not sure if that was what you meant or not.
"he snaffled it down" - to be truthful I had no clue what snaffled meant and had to look it up. And was surprised to find that it was a horse bit. I am sure that this was probably just a spelling mistake and the spelling check program stuck it in as the closest fit. I figured it was best to let you know about it, just in case.
I felt that you did a great job in staying in character and in point of view. There were times when I felt that the pace of the story was a bit slow. But the overall flow was not that bad.Author's Response: Thank you for saying you thought I portrayed the thoughts well, it really was a hard piece to write as I absolutely love Remus.
The words I used were more to add to the feel of things. 'Paced' can also mean walked slowly, dragging your feet. And 'snaffled' is a colloquialism for eating very quickly. It tends to be applied more to younger children as they eat their food quickly without really chewing.
Thank you again for the review! Report Review
Happy Secret Santa present!
So, I just thought to read this one, but didn't see the part that it was AU, so I was a little confused at first. Now I understand, and have to say that you've really pegged Remus, what he'd be like if this happened. I love the idea that he'd teach at Hogwarts again, and that this time people would know who and what he was. I think the prejudice against werewolves would diminish if he had lived because he'd be a hero.
I thought this would have been the Anniversary of the battle, not her birthday, but I'm glad it was the latter, because it'd seem more predictable if it was the former.
It was so sweet how you'd put in Teddy, and make Remus think about something else. Of course, part of Tonks lives on in Teddy, so that could also be a good way to help get over things a little. I'm glad you put that at the end, it was a good way to close the story.
Great job!! :)
Hope you liked your present :)Author's Response: Thank you for the review!
I'm glad that you think I portrayed Remus well. I really was concerned about how I'd manage portraying him in AU or even without Tonks as that is the one ship I love more than anything.
Him teaching at Hogwarts was the one part of canon that I thought was really good because it gave him a release and the chance of a different life.
I thought the anniversary of the battle would be too predictable but it also wouldn't be seen as such of a sad occasion by everyone because it would be Victoire's birthday.
I'm glad you liked the close to the story and I really liked my present! Report Review
Oh my goodness. Oh goodness. How sad! I think there should have been more on Lupins emptiness/anger/deep sorrow,because while you did mention his feelings,it was very subtle,leaving us thinking that he must be a lot sadder then explained,even though you imply he is devastated. Did you get my rambling there? Well, this was very beautifully written. I think the 'happy birthday' was really what brought me to tears! Ultimately, this was very very very fantastic. 10/10Author's Response: Aw thankyou for this!
This was a very very late night job in which I was feeling very hormonal which is why it's so dark and angsty! I thought the idea of it only being very subtle made it more powerful as people could draw their own conclusions onto his mindset because I left quite a lot of room for thought.
I'm glad you think it was beautifully written and I thought that the whole idea of it being her birthday was better than the anniversary of the war as it would have been Victoire's birthday therefore less upsetting.
Thankyou for the lovely review Report Review
HI! :) I'll go ahead and dive right in!
"Lupin bustled about in his bedroom trying to find the wallet."
His wallet? :) Also, I think it's kinda funny to see you call him Lupin as his name is Remus. The children in the book called him Lupin, but Sirius and the other adults in cannon call him Remus.
You seem to say 'Lupin' rather frequently, perhaps try 'his' instead? It's a really nice break to see that as a reader! :)
Yes, I think especially since you call him Remus later on in the chapter, for consistency sake you should call him Remus the entire chapter. :)
"He sat [there] patiently"
I would just strike the brackets all together. I've always been under the impression that brackets are for articles, etc... not fiction!
"Remus settled on just some toast"
I don't think the just is necessary here, it makes sense without it perfectly! :)
"He stopped abruptly as he found the picture he was looking for, the picture of their wedding day."
Since you said 'he was looking for' in the sentence before that it isn't necessary here. You could completely strike that phrase and add a semi colon! :)
‘I did’ the solemnness
You need a comma after did
‘Of course’ & ‘Happy thirtieth birthday Tonks’
This was a brilliant start! You are very eloquent and this is SUCH a creative story. Poor Remus! I love this idea and you handle it very, very, very well. I can't wait to see where this goes!
One small thing, I really prefer quotations as opposed to apostrophe's. It really helps decipher between conversation and thoughts. Just my opinion!
**Merry Christmas from Slytherin House!Author's Response: Thank you so much for auch an extensive review!
I will really go over this and make sure it reads better although I really don't know where those brackets had come from!
I'm glad you liked it and thankyou for the compliments. The situation was actually given to me as a challenge so I tried my best to give this some kind of thought. I'm glad you thought I did it well because I was quite aprehensive about it.
Merry Christmas! Report Review
Hello there! First off thank you for entering my challenge!
That was such a sad, but touching story! Honestly it was not what I expected. I thought that you were going to write about how they both survived.
I really liked how you weaved together his struggle in dealing with Tonks death, taking care of Teddy, and his attempts to move forward with his life. I also liked how you had Harry be, once again, the person to give Remus the nudge he needs to get back to living his life. And while the story is sad you have a glimmer of hope that Remus will be able to move forward that continues to grow towards the end.
I felt that the story flowed very nicely. Despite the concerned your expressed I think your followed the theme well. You have Remus struggling to figure out who he is in his life with just his son while at the same time wondering what his life would have been had Tonks lived.
Thank you again for entering my challenge! Results will be posted in February!Author's Response: Thank you for the review!
I loved writing this challenge as it was so different to anything I'd written before.
If Remus had survived in the books, I couldn't have even imagined it if Tonks hadn't have survived too! I thought that he'd have such a difficulty adjusting to his life without her even though he didn't really want her there in the first place. Harry needed to be the support really in the story rather than anyone else because of their close relationship and Harry calling him back with the resurection stone really did show that. I couldn't have just left it without him getting a glimmer of hope. That would have been far too cruel!
I'm glad you liked my entry! Report Review
This is fauxthefox from the forums with your requested review! Sorry about the wait!
I'm not usually an AU fan at *all,* but I really did love this! There aren't really any other characters in the Potter universe who are in this situation, so I understand the need for AU to tell this kind of a story.
Your writing is generally good, but I would suggest that you look this over (or even have it read over by one of the lovely betas on the forums), because there are some grammar/punctuation mistakes.
Lupin's charactarization seems very accurate. And little Teddy is so cute! :) THe ending was absolutely beautiful.
FauxAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review!
I'm glad you liked it! I really feltlike I was able to play around with Remus in this as I was given him for a challenge to write what his life would be like if he survived.
Thank you for saying my writings good, and I will definitely have another look over it!
I'm really glad you like the ending! Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! Sorry it's so late - my life has been really insane lately.
First, I'd like to mention a few mechanical things, because I felt like that was the weakest part of the piece.
You alternated between using "Remus" and using "Lupin" to refer to him. That felt a little strange to me - in general, when you're writing narrative, it's a good idea to pick one and stick with it. For the personal tone of this particular piece, I think that "Remus" would have been the better choice, but it would have worked either way, as long as it was consistent. I had the same issue with how he referred to Tonks; either "Nymphadora" or "Tonks" (or even "Dora") would worked, but you alternated between them. Early on, he's specifically thinking about "Nymphadora," but toward the end, he wishes "Tonks" a happy birthday.
Your phrasing was also sometimes just a little bit off. For example, in the fourth paragraph, you say, "thinking about the wife only in his life for a short time." That's a little awkward: it would have worked better if you'd said, "thinking about the wife who had only been in his life for a short time." On a similar note, you also sometimes misused punctuation - you have some run ons, and particularly when you transitioned from dialogue back to narrative, you often didn't have the appropriate punctuation separating them. There's a great article in the "Grammar Guidelines" forum (I think) about dialogue tags - I'd suggest reviewing that, because it's really quite helpful.
There were a few points where I felt like your word choice sounded more muggle than wizard. The radio alarm clock first struck me as that - it wasn't wrong, per se, and it's entirely possible that wizards have alarm clocks like that, but it felt a bit odd to me, particularly in the context of his thinking about how much he hated the press later. Use of the word "wallet" was a little strange as well, since no wizard in the books is ever described as having a wallet that I can recall. I think they're usually referred to as money pouches or something.
However, other than those minor things, I absolutely thought that this was believable. I liked the way that you mentioned Teddy's hair, and Remus telling him to stop making his hair that color, and I thought that you did a good job in general of portraying both Remus as a heartbroken and exhausted father and Teddy as a small child who was understandably curious about his mother. The interaction was completely believable, and very emotional.
I also liked the box. I felt like you really conveyed the pain that he was feeling through mentioning specific pictures and his reaction to them. In fact, I'd have liked it if you'd spent a little more time on it - there are a lot of memories in that box, and especially given how hard he seems to be taking Tonks's death even years later, more insight into his mind could really hammer in the sentiment of gloom and loss.
Really, the only part of this story that wasn't very strong was some of the minor mechanical stuff. Other than that, you did a great job at conveying Remus's emotion and sadness, and I liked your portrayal of how he was coping with life without Tonks. They're a couple that doesn't get a lot of attention, because a lot of people are really attached to Remus/Sirius, and I really think that you did them justice here. Great job.Author's Response: Thank you so much for such a long review!
I hadn't really noticed i'd been switching between Remus and Lupin so I will try to sort that out as soon as I can. The same goes for Tonks and Nymphadora. I think in this piece I do feel that Dora would be better because of the personal note to it.
I will definitely check out that article on the forums because my grammer isn't always great. In the phrasing I'm sure I meant to put the 'who'd' in!
I'm glad you thought the story was believable as that was the aspect I was most worried about during this because it was my first story which really explored emotions of characters and really was emotional. Teddy was really fun to write as it was trying to look at a child that had never really known his mother but had seen pictures and had heard about her. Remus really was at the end of his tether trying to keep them all together as a family.
The idea of the box came very naturally as I have a box exactly the same with pictures of my great grandmother. I do have a lot more material about the box but I cut a lot of it out thinking it would make it too emotional and I really did want to keep it twelve plus!
I'm glad you really liked it because their relationship is one which I really love to read about and can't imagine them not being such a prominant part of the books.
Thank you again for the review! Report Review
Usually I am not a big fan of AU, but recently I've kinda liked it...
This. Was. Awesome. Remus and Teddy are two of my favorite characters, if not my favorite characters!
The way Teddy acted, and Remus too... Just... GAH! Loved it. :D
For a little, I thought it was the anniversary of the war, but her birthday is a better day to express why Remus was sad!
I can't really leave a big review, but I really loved this story!
10/10 :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much :D
I love the This. Was.Awesome comment. A huge boost to my confidence :D
Thankyou again :P Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review! So sorry for the delay.
I don't think that I've ever read a story before where the main pairing was Lupin/Tonks so I was interested in reading this story and seeing how you brought these characters to life.
I definitely think that Remus' feelings are realistic. He was always the quiet, introverted Marauder and that comes out quite clearly here. He tries to hide his suffering from the world, but it doesn't fade for him.
You portrayed his love for Tonks very nicely, focusing on the aftermath of her death. I think it was very realistic because it would be hard for your wife to die, to see parts of her in her son each day and to be constantly reminded of your loss. His grief was present throughout the whole piece, making it seem that much more natural.
I did think that the ending came quite suddenly, because he had been sad throughout the whole piece, throughout four years and at the end he had the sudden realization that Tonks was still there within Teddy. You set it up well with the inclusion of Teddy throughout the piece but I feel that you could have expanded a little more on the change in Remus' feelings.
Teddy, though, was very well characterized. He definitely seemed like a four-year-old and I liked how you used his curious nature to influence the flow of Remus' emotions.
This piece was still very emotional. You picked a very sensitive topic and I think you handled it with care. Remus' feelings weren't tossed aside- instead, they were the focus and you didn't have him just dismiss his grief. He worked through it.
It was also interesting. As I mentioned before I haven't really read any pieces like this before and I enjoyed your exploration of Remus' character, especially in this different scenario where he didn't die in the Final Battle. You took a small snapshot of his life and built it well. It was short and sweet and sad.
However I feel that the power of the emotions could be further enhanced if some of your sentences were broken up. A few of your sentences felt as though they were only connected by commas and I feel that you could increase the affect of Remus' grief with short, sharp sentences.
As well, I'm not sure if you wanted any structural things pointed out but I would capitalize "Defense Against the Dark Arts" because it is the proper name of a class. The sentence "Tapping on his bedroom" is missing an "A" at the beginning.
All in all, I really enjoyed this piece and I definitely think that it's emotional and interesting. You did a great job with it and I hope that my comments are helpful! Thanks for requesting!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your review and making it so long aswell!
I'm glad you thought that Remus's feelings were realistic as that's the part that I was the most worried about since it was the first time I was writing this pairing. To me I've always imagined Teddy to be the spitting image of Tonks mainly because he was a metamorphangus but also I think he would love the idea of bright coloured hair but especially within this one where Tonks was the parent who wasn't there.
Remus throughout the four years had been pretty much shut off from the rest of the world because of his grief. But the idea that it was Tonks's 30th and that he knew he actually did have to move on with his life because every one else was and he knew that he wouldn't want her to be pining.
I loved characterising Teddy because the inquisitive nature of a four year old was just too much of a good oppotunity to miss! Remus is just such a lovely character to work with so I'm glad I did him justice.
I actually didn't think of the scenario itself as I was given this for a challenge but I do agree it's quite unique as everyone imagines them either to both survive or both die.
I'll read back over the piece and see if there are places where I can edit but thank you for the spelling corrections :D Report Review
This is so good! It's so sad and sweet and fantastic all at the same time. I really like how you wrote Remus and Teddy! I absolutely love this!Author's Response: Hey. Thank you for taking the time to review my story :)
I'm glad you like the story,I was really worried about writing it because I wanted to make it quite emotional so they could connect with the reader and also so that people actually thought Teddy and Remus were lovable Report Review
Oh, that's the first entry for that challenge I've read. I have James Potter/ Prongs, and I found this very interesting.
I've always wondered what it would have been like if Remus and Tonks survived. Though, having only one of them somehow never crossed my mind, maybe because I couldn't imagine one without the other. Your take on this possibility seems fittiing, that he'd blame himself for not protecting her better.
I loved little Teddy, and how he can make his father smile despite bringing forward those memories.
Grammar and spelling were excellent, all in all, it was a really enjoyable read :)
Cheers, LeoAuthor's Response: Thank you for the review.
I never could imagine Remus without Tonks either but as I got given this for a challenge I tried to attempt it which I hope I did well.
Thankyou for liking my characterisation of Teddy. I've always imagined him more like Tonks than Remus in a way so I'm glad you thought he brought out memories.
Aww! There was a tear or two from me at the end.
This story is such a wonderful one! I love the 'twist' you put in, it matched why Remus was extra sad on that day!
Yes, it is believable that Remus could feel this way. Anyone who have read the books would understand what he feels.
Overall, I think was REALLY GREAT! Giving a 10/10 for this!
Sorry for a short review :(,
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Hey thank you so much for the lovely review!
I'm glad you thought it was emotional and believable with the way Remus could be feeling.
Thank you for the 10/10. I really appreciate it! Report Review
Hi! NimJ from the forum, come to review :)
That was so cute! At first I thought Remus was wallowing in his grief, but he really tries, and the end was very very touching. Teddy wanting to know about his mom and being afraid that his dad didn't love him. Teddy's just cute :P
Plus, nice twist that it was her birthday, I thought that it was the battle of hogwarts or something, and that they would celebrate voldemorts death then. It makes sense though, Remus being sad on her birthday.
I loved it!Author's Response: Thankyou for the lovely review!
Remus was just upset by Tonk's death which is what touched me so much whilst writing it!
I thought if it was the anniversary of the battle of hogwarts it would be a little too obvious so I'm glad you liked the twist :D Report Review
Aww, this was so sad. I think you made Remus' grief very believable, I found it really realistic. Writing young children is always hard, I think, but you really captured Teddy as he should be, despite the sad thing that happened in his life. I find a lot of authors tend to make children too old in fiction, and it doesn't sit right, but you wrote him believably which was great.
Poor Tonks, but I'm glad you let Lupin live, even though he is very sad about losing his wife. It was a touching piece, well done :)Author's Response: Thankyou so much for the review!
I'm glad you liked it and thought it was sad. I could never imagine a Remus without Tonks but I hope I did them justice! Report Review
'But don't you love me more than anything in the whole wide world daddy?' This time his son looked up at him with his wide eyes almost on the verge of tears. The insecurities having been built up over time, after being told that he didn't have a mommy like everyone else because she'd died.
Break my heart why don't you! That line really killed me. Poor Teddy! Poor Remus! I've never read a story where Remus lived and Teddy was able to have a father but no Tonks? Oh dear! I'm still not over their deaths from the book. It's just too sad!
Well, this was really wonderful. The writing was really on point and I could really feel Remus's emotions as I read through it.Author's Response: Thank you for tbhe lovely review! I really do love this story and writing where Tonks didn't live for me was harder than if Remus didnt. I really really enjoyed writing this although I was on the verge of tears at some points writing it! Report Review
That was really good, but so sad! It was nice that Teddy at least had his father, but it broke my heart to read about Remus having to live without Tonks. I can't even imagine how awful that would be to lose the one you love like that. I'm just glad that he and Teddy at least have each other, and that he seems like he's on the way to healing.
I really liked the style you had in this, the way you crafted the emotions made them seem so real! Very well done.
-Ronsgirl29Author's Response: Thank you for the review!
I hate the idea of Remus living without Tonks too. It's like a James with no Lily and I hate the idea of it.
Remus always seemed to me to be the one to grieve the most deeply about the death of Tonks because he wopuldn't share it so I'm really glad you liked it x Report Review
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