I must say your opening sentence was fantastic! I'm always told that the opening line is the grabber, the one that keeps the reader interested as it makes them want to read on - your opening paragraph did that - it was fantastic! Fair play!
This was really brilliant writing - I only wish it was longer! I was just getting into it and it ended! McDougal really sounds like an interesting original character and your first sentence really set her up so well! I'd love if you fleshed this out a little bit more, and made it longer!
That said, I enjoyed the bit about Lily and her apparition test - I failed my driving test 3 times, and I am still convinced the examiner was out to get me, so I could relate! Then all the bad luck with the heal falling off her shoe as well. It's true though that employers do look at footware and take it into account in an interview, so I liked that you included that here too
Anyway, really good one shot! I really enjoyed it, only wished it was longer - you're onto something here with McDougal, I can feel it! Report Review
the starting paragraph was lovely. I am definitely curious. Your chapter was short. But every word counted. So that was amazing. Looking forward to the next chapter. :D Report Review
I thought this was interesting. It intrigued me because it was so short and yet you were really able to give us some nice imagery. I had to read this over twice though because I wasn't actually sure what was going on. In a sense not that I didn't understand what was going on but I just didn't understand the importance of it which I now realize is the way you wanted it to be because this is just a prologue. Flora seems very 'villiany' in the sense of the boss from the 'Devil Wears Prada,' and the little old lady reminded me of Mrs. Fig (Figg?) which I thought was nice. Report Review
To be truthful I am not sure what I think of this chapter. Part of me wishes I had more information so that I could come up with a better decision. I like stories that give you just enough information to get your attention so that you will continue reading. My attention is peaked but mostly because I wish I knew more. So far all I know is that Lily works for a weird private investigator who is obsessed with shoes, and Lily was being followed by a strange cat who caused her to break her heel on her way to work. By the end of the chapter I just didn't feel as if I knew enough about the story or where it was going to make any real criticism or suggestions.
From the summary and what bit of information I have picked up in this chapter I am interested in seeing what else you have to write of this story. So far I would have to say good job in drawing me in. Report Review
This is an amazing story do far! Gosh, I wish my NaNo novel was this good! The tiny details and features leave the reader hanging off for more. It really makes me want to read on, want to find out what happens by the bottom of the page and wait for more chapters to come!
Your word choice and use of language is amazing. It is full of tiny details that just fit together so perfectly. It is like a web of factors that balance off of each other so it showcases everything in so much detail.
The plot idea sounds so interesting and engaging. I really want to see what happens next, I need to know! This is that good!
E x Report Review
This was a very intriguing start to the story. You worked in a lot of very tangible, atmospheric details that gave me a mental image of where Lily was walking. The brief, almost tangential mention of Flora McDougal being a private investigator was well done. It casts just the right amount of intrigue on the cat following Lily and the little old lady.
The one thing I had a hard time buying was the idea that Lily could have done that well in school and still failed her apparition test. It just seems like a stretch. But if it's key to your setup then so be it.
Should be an interesting read when there's more posted. Report Review
I've been told I actually have to put this hat and jumper away soon, so here's another review :)
NaNo? 1000 words? and it ended up like this? WOW. That's a great opening to a story. The first paragraph was really great, it started off in such a natural way, which was really great.
WE WANT MORE! Sorry, but you've left this so perfectly, that we're left screaming at the screen. We want to read more! So yeah, you ended the chapter well. :P
The only thing I can have a SMALL complaint about is that there are a couple of sentences at the start which got a little confusing. The one about September sticks out, but that's small :)
^was all written by Santa Report Review
Ok, you think my NaNo was good? Psssh. Yours actually has flow and elegance and poise! :P I love the situation already, we get a real sense of both Flora and Lily, and we're not even 1000 words in! It's amazing. I can just tell this will be a truly amazing story :)
All I can really say is get the next chapter up :P Somehow, this little prologue has instilled expectations in me. I think it may also be the title, for some reason 'dirt' seems really intriguing and causes multiple plot bunnies to spring to mind, so I can only imagine what you've done with it!
As always, faultless grammar and spelling my dear, but I wouldn't have expected less ;) You've captured an air of mystery and intrigue already, and I can't help but wonder what's going to happen next :) The "whispering about the latest intern who broke a rule" is sure to be interesting :P
Lovely work Annie! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year :D Report Review
This was so awesome! I'm glad to finally read it after having teasing previews. Update soon! :D My review really sucks, sorry :/
Maggie!Author's Response: (h) Maggie! My response is ridiculously late, but thank you so much for the review and I love you! :D Report Review
ooh this is a really intriguing start! I'm really interested to see where you go with this. I liked the personality coming across when she taked about her apparation test and how Flora seems like such a villain! I'm know trying to think of where the people might go!
Quick point, I didn't really understand what you meant by this:
'The cool September morning when the whispering about the latest intern who broke a rule began' - but wait, no I've re-read it. Never mind! :P
Look forward to reading more :)Author's Response: Thanks so much, and I'm glad you liked the apparation part! It's one of my favorite bits about the chapter, and I'll try to make that setnece a little smoother as the phrasing is pretty wonky. :S
Annie Report Review
Hi! It's Chocolate_Frog from the forums with your requested review. :) (My apologies for it being so late...)
Oh, and a side note before I start: there's a typo in "investigator" in your story summmary, something a quick edit can fix.
Now on to the review. I think that this was a spectacular start to your story... It flowed really well. You included just the right amount of backstory for readers to understand and speculate about what's happening, but enough vagueness that there is still an aura of mystery shrouding the chapter. There's a fine line between the two, and you have walked it well. :)
The characterization was fantastic, also. In just a few lines, you have managed to make me form opinions about both Flora and Lily, without telling anything directly. (It sort of annoys me when people go... This is Bob. He is smart, funny, nice, etc. He has brown hair and is 17 and blah blah blah...)
Something I'd like to mention-- There is some verb tense confusion in this chapter; since the first paragraph was in present tnese, and the rest seemed to be in past. However, if you meant that on purpose as a sort of ominous-introductory effect, maybe italicize the paragraph so it stands out?
Overall, your story is off to a great start (Congratulations on finishing NaNo, by the way), and I'm really curious about how the rest of it will play out! ^^
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the review! (and a review like this is worth the wait, though I can hardly call it a wait!) AHH Typo! *runs to fix* Thanks for pointing that out, and I'll clear the tenses up while I'm at it, as I see what you mean about it being confusing. I'm glad the characterization and set up is good and I'm trying to get another chapter up in December, since there is a lot of editing to do. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave such a helpful review!
Annie Report Review
This is very good- I'd say a very promising start!
What I like most is your writing style: it gives an air of mystery to the story, but at the same time it sounds very professional and just right for introductions.
I'm looking forward to reading what happens next. The summary is very cryptic, so I don't really know what to wait, but after this prologue I'm certain that the best are to come!
I'm looking forward to more:D
~ AngieAuthor's Response: Thanks so much and I'm glad you like it! It certainly is a mystery, and I'm hoping to get another chapter up in December since it needs a lot of editing after NaNo. :P Thanks for the review!
Annie Report Review
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