Wow. That's alot of people in one chapter. I feel like I'm actually there, seeing all these people on the train acting crazy. It's like a real train ride to school. So a good thing. I think. :D
This is an interesting first chapter. I can't wait to find out what happens next. :)
Sam.Author's Response: Hey there, thanks for the review :) I'm glad you found the chapter realistic, as well as the character interactions. You're very encouraging, thanks a lot! Report Review
Hey, here's your review:
It's really good for a first go at comedy (it's definitely hard while you're getting the hang of it) Also a first for you with next gen. You said you were concerned about introducing too many characters and there were quite a lot, which was a little bit confusing at some points but I loved the way that you went through the carriages on the train with the different people in, that was really cool and made the amount of characters a lot less overwhelming as you kept them quite separate. One thing would be to add a bit more funny dialogue, that should add a lot more of a humour aspect to it. Really nice first chapter :)
- Lizzfizz (8/10)Author's Response: Hey there, thanks for the lovely review. I see what you mean, I shall definitely try to elaborate more on the characters and lessen the confusion regarding them. Thanks for the compliments and advice, I shall definitely take those ideas into consideration when I next write. Thanks :) Report Review
I knew from the very first line that I would immediately fall in love with this story. Your way of writing, the description, everything just seems to fit in perfectly, and that really does help the story flow, something that is truly a talent!
Secondly, I actually love how you've portrayed all your characters. Even though I have only just been introduced to them, I have such a good idea of what each one is like and cannot wait to find out more about them during the course of the story.
I would pick out a million and one lines if I had the room, but I have to say this one has to be my favourite:
"Peevishly picking herself off the floor (though even the act was exhausting, given her size), Violet blinked owlishly at Dominique, who sat, cowering in the corner. Oh dear, would Violet expect her to pick up all those hideous sweeties?"
That just made me chuckle. I already love Violet!
I also love how you've used a line from a film, a very interesting twist which I have never encountered before, yet very effective all the same!
I cannot wait to read more! A fabulous well done! :D 10/10Author's Response: Hey there!
Thanks for the lovely review, it really made my day and I'm so glad you liked the chapter :) Thanks for the lovely compliments, they are really encouraging!
I'm glad you liked how I portrayed the characters, it was a lot of fun inventing their separate personalities, especially the not-so-nice people :) However, that might become more evident later, just how nasty some of them can be...
Oh, thanks, I'm pleased you liked that line, Violet is certainly a lot of fun to write, even though I'm sure I wouldn't like her in the slightest in real life :)
Thanks, yes, I love that movie line. When I watched the move (ages ago) I knew that speech was a winner, it's just so demeaning and magnificently insulting. Dear Rose, what a nutter... :)
Thank you very much for the lovely and encouraging review! Report Review
It's Roots in Water here with your review!
First of all, let me say that I enjoyed reading this chapter very much. I particularly enjoyed Violet's section at the very beginning of the chapter- I felt that the complex words you used in her voice really gave life to her character and gave the readers a great first impression of her. Great job with your diction!
As well I do think that this is funny- I certainly had a smile on my face while I was reading. I think that a great deal of the humour comes from the different perspectives we see in the chapter and the characters' various complaints and tirades. I know that nothing I've written has come anywhere close to this in terms of humour (I find it so difficult to write...).
However, I did find that you introduced a lot of characters in this chapter and switched between points of view quite often. I found it hard to follow in the sense that I forgot who had already been introduced and who was new to the story and because of this forgot their personalities. This could, of course, be caused by memory problems on my part. :)
I found the constant switching of your P.O.V.s a little confusing because individual sections were small and P.O.V.s sometimes switched from sentence to sentence. I think that if you made the individual sections of your characters a little clearer and more defined (such as adding section breaks between parts) it would be easier for the reader to follow your story. The jumping from character to character really added to your story and I did enjoy it because it allowed me to see into all of their minds (an aspect I really enjoy in a story).
As for the amount of characters you introduced I do believe that it was a good idea for you to introduce them to us in this chapter, especially since you put it together in such a way that it didn't feel as though you were jumping around (there was a common setting), though I do wonder if you're going to have separate plots for all of them. I enjoyed how you intertwined their stories so far in the train (such as using Alice to introduce Lucy who introduced Dominique). I think that as your story progresses and you write about these characters more the multitude of them won't be such a problem for the reader.
I liked how you unified all of your characters at the end of the chapter- it made rounded the chapter out nicely and also acted as a summary of the characters introduced (though I'm not sure you intended it to be that way).
I hope that this review is understandable (some of the points seem to coming across fuzzily to me) but if it isn't feel free to PM me. As well, I hope that my comments are helpful and thanks for requesting a review! Feel free to request again for the next chapter.Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely, complex review :)
I'm glad you liked Violet (as a character; she wouldn't be very nice in real life) and I'm pleased you enjoyed her inner monologue, she (Violet) tends to complain awfully (about everything under the sun, which may become apparent in later chapters).
I'm pleased that you thought it was funny, being my first attempt at humour, I felt a little trepidation as I'm not comical (unless accidentally) in the least myself. Writing all those different perspectives was quite fun, and I'm glad it was effective :)
Thanks, that's really good advice. I was worried about the number of chapters introduced (that memory thing happens to me too, don't worry :P ) but I thought it'd be better to introduce them in the first chapter.
I shall definitely add a little bit more spacing between scenes when I come to edit this chapter; that's excellent advice and will definitely aid in the flow of the story.
I didn't realise I intertwined the characters, that was done unintentionally, thanks for pointing that out. *blushes*. I'm glad it was effective though, however accidental it may have been. I will be incorporating a few subplots into the general body of the story, but they certainly won't be distinct in regard to other characters; any interactions or events will be interwoven between the characters.
All in all, thank you for the fantastically helpful review, I shall certainly take your points into consideration when I come to edit this chapter and write the next. Thanks for being so encouraging and helpful :) Report Review
Hi! I'm here for your review!
I honestly haven't read many next gen's so i'm a little ignorant of their characterizations and timeline. So i guess i'm tackling this with fresh eyes!
My first impression was that you have a really lovely voice and you are a really great writer. I don't know why people aren't reviewing. But keep your chin up, sometimes the best of stories never get any attention.
This story is funny, i was smilng most of the time as i read it. You have a great way of twisting descriptions and words so that it's funnier than it might have been. I applaud you with that, for me, humour is hard. I've started writing one myself, first time, and it's hard! I never realized how hard it was. At least for me. So great job with that.
I liked your Lucy, her tirades and complaints. I want to see more of her and hope that this is a defining characteristic of hers. It was very well done and it worked well with her.
I also really liked Albus, although we didn't see too much of him. (is he a Ravenclaw?) I thought how you had Hugo take up James' 'black market' instead of Albus was a lovely choice! I like that Hugo has a voice here and he seems very much like Ron.
Now, lets see. There is a lot going on. I'm unsure if this is a bad thing or not. I guess it really depends on how you are taking the rest of the story. Right now, although i like most of your characters, i don't feel connected to any of them. I think you have some lovely characterisations but i don't know who the main character is and i'm not entirely sure of the plot. I think in the upcoming chapters you will need to focus more on a few of the characters. I felt like each segmant could have almost been it's own story in it itself.
I also noticed there are some very similar characteristics in your characters and although it works to an extent since most of them are from the same family, i'd just say make sure they are each their own person.
I also loved that they all don't get a long! That was beautifully well done in how Lucy was completely disgusted by Dominique. Also Rose's speech was excellent and i like how she seems very serious about her duties and school. I think that characterises her well. Finally, you did a great job with showing and not telling. Really great job because so many authors just tell us how these characters act or what they look like and it's maddening! So cookies for you! :DAuthor's Response: Wow, thank you for the lovely, long review! So pleased with it :)
Thank you for that encouraging piece of advice, I fully intend on continuing this story :)
I'm really glad you thought it was funny, this is my first attempt at humour (ever) and I have to say, I really enjoyed writing it.
Thanks, Lucy really is quite a character. She's awfully self-centered, but I believe, with some lessons learnt, she could become quite a nice girl. We shall have to see...
Yes, Hugo shall definitely reappear, I'm looking at making him one of my main characters. This story will focus on each character, but I've decided it will have a few really main ones; namely Violet, Dominique, Lucy, Hugo among others.
Yes, there is an awful lot going on. I just thought I'd better introduce all the characters (main) initially in the first chapter, because that's usually where character interactions first take place, on the Hogwarts Express as everyone is greeting each other after the holidays. I'll definitely take your advice and develop the characters further, this chapter was just an introductory piece that laid out the basic framework for each personality. I totally understand what you mean, and I shall definitely strive to further develop each individual later on. Thanks for that excellent advice :)
Yes, there are somewhat similar characteristics between certain characters, for example, the temperaments of Lucy and Rose, however, as I further develop them as individuals their unique personalities will emerge more. They will however continue to be both hot headed, although their rages will definitely be attributed to different things/people. Also, with characters such as Claudia and Albus, I deliberately made them somewhat similar in temperament; being Head Boy and Girl, they need to relate to each other well in order to help run the school effectively.
Thanks, I particularly liked exploring the inter-character conflicts, I love arguments :) Rose, oh my goodness, what a nutcase.
Thanks for the lovely encouragement and advice, this was really useful in planning my next character and I shall certainly take your tips into consideration.
*takes cookies gratefully* Thank you very much, have a lovely day :) Report Review
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