Reading Reviews for Our Life
  
14 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Beeezie Just a Normal Saturday.

2nd January 2012:
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! I hope you will forgive me for taking awhile.

First off, personal comment that doesn't really have any bearing on the story as a whole but that I feel the need to make anyway: yay Tudors! Yay Henry VIII! I'm working on a story about witchcraft during the time of Henry VIII among his wives, and I have had a favorite wife since I was about five (though who it is has changed a few times since then), so I was really pleased by the reference.

Sorry. Done with the tangent now. :P

A couple mechanical points:

Some of your paragraphs were indented, and some weren't. I do understand that formatting can be a little finicky on the site sometimes, but if you can fix it, I definitely think you should.

I also noticed a few typos: "Filtch" should have been "Filch," and in the paragraph directly under that, "hmm" should be capitalized. Scorpius isn't "chancing after Rose," he's "chasing after Rose." It isn't "flat put attacking me," it's "flat out attacking me."

Finally, there were a couple descriptions that confused me. I'm not sure how Kath "noticed" that he wanted to talk about his problem just because he whispered, "Hey." Okay, so maybe she made the leap from A to B, but it just seemed a little abrupt. "I nodded, a sigh escaping her lips," also sounded a little off - typically, that kind of phrasing is used when the person nodding (or whatever) is the same person as the person who's sighing (or whatever). I think it would have sounded much better if instead you'd written, "and a sigh escaped her lips."


Those aside:

I actually don't mind the complete change in tone from the first chapter to the second. I can see it getting awkward if you start switching between them every chapter, but in some ways, I think prologues are meant to have a different tone than the rest of the story, you know? Otherwise, it would just be chapter 1.

That said, while the change in tone didn't bother me, I did feel like this chapter was much less centered than it really could have been. You started out without any kind of grounding at all, which made the opening sequence very difficult to follow. I wasn't really sure whether it was it was a long author's note or actually part of the story, and I got the sense that there were a lot of inside jokes - which is great, but again, it can be difficult for other people to follow.

The conversation with Kath also felt a little abbreviated. I wanted you to expand on it a little - that doesn't necessarily mean telling us everything, but if he wanted to talk about his problem, surely he must have had more to say than that. What you have could have easily been summarized or taken place in his thoughts rather than through dialogue, and I don't feel like it told me enough about him or Kath.

Once you got to Mike waking up sweating, you definitely hit your stride again. The descriptions of the surroundings were much better, as was your portrayal of Mike's emotions. I think we've all had at least one nightmare that scares us too much to get back to sleep, and many of us have that nightmare more than once. I would have liked it if you'd revealed a little more of what the nightmare was about - again, not everything, but just one small piece or one prevailing emotion - but on the whole, much better.

The interaction with Scorpius was interesting. I would have liked a little more back story on "Wolfo" and "Maltoy," and I wasn't sure that you needed "complaints" along with "taunts," but other than that, you did a good job with it. You definitely captured the way teenagers needle at each other without really meaning serious harm - or, at least, it didn't seem like Scorpius or Mike was really trying to cause the other serious emotional distress. However, you also show some vulnerability in Mike - while Scorpius probably didn't intend to make Mike want to run out into the forest for a meeting with Greyback, his taunting certainly had that effect.

Or maybe none of that was what you were going for and I'm just misinterpreting your characters. :P

Mike's meeting with Greyback was interesting, and I thought that it was well-done. I honestly don't have too much to say about it, other than that it definitely answered a lot of the questions I had and raised some new ones as well. (Though I did wonder how Lottie managed to find him.)

You're definitely progressing the story along, and I'm curious to see what happens next. I do think that the beginning really could use a little more work, but other than that, good job. :)

Author's Response: Response to Beeezie's review
I wondered if anyone knew anything about the tudors xD Cause I don't...

Umm... I wrote this on my iPod? I should of edited more... I fixed everything you pointed out though :) Thanks for that.

Yeah, would it help to know I wrote this earlier? Umm Excuses behind, I'll have a more concrete chapter next time. I'll work on it! I'll also not really have the inside jokes as much later, or incorporate them into the story in a later chapter.

It felt abbreviated? Hmm... I see your point on that.

Mike and Scorpius' "past" will get more... In detail later! I meant for it to be vague on what the names actually mean.

Nope, you got it xD

This was what I had trouble with... I didn't know if it was good or not, and I'm RELIEVED it was! :D And... Ummm... I probably should of expanded on how she found him... xD

Thanks Beeezie! :D

Mike.


 Report Review

Review #2, by WitnesstoitAll Just a Normal Saturday.

28th December 2011:
Umm.

I'm not really sure what to say about this. It was a very stark contrast from the first chapter. I think you meant it to be? It is very obvious that this cracky little chapter is a series of personal jokes and references, and so it's a bit difficult to comment from a strict writing/literary perspective. It was definitely a loud chapter, very in your face and perky and what not.

I am almost positive that that is what you were going for, so great job!

Author's Response: Yeah I meant it to be a stark contrast! Thank you! *Shortest response I've written yet xD*

Mike.


 Report Review

Review #3, by WitnesstoitAll Prolouge

28th December 2011:
Cliff hangers. -___-

I liked how you really got into your characters head and showed his thoughts. It really brings some dimension to your character and keeps him from being flat. I'll skip the bit about the indented margins. since I've already said it once. I really think the only thing that could be improved would be to streamline the internal monologue a little... some places it's a bit repetitive or transitions a bit roughly. It doesn't subtract from the story, but just something to think about. Sometimes being concise is an effective stylistic choice.

Well done!

Author's Response: Cliff hangers :D

Thanks for the wonderful comments! Streamline the internal monologue a little... Got it! I'll work on that, and yeah sometimes I guess it is good to use for style. I'll think on that next time I write an angst chapter like this!

Thank you!

Mike.


 Report Review

Review #4, by Millarz Just a Normal Saturday.

20th December 2011:
Yay! It's posted! Go Koala! I wonder what you have planned for her! Still loving it! Still biased :P Woo! Now write write write!

Author's Response: I will! During break! :P

Mike. Thanks for the review :D


 Report Review

Review #5, by TheGoldenKneazle Just a Normal Saturday.

20th December 2011:
WOOOHHHOOOHHHOO

I love it! Humour/angst... we need more of this, nobody else seems to write it and you do it wel :D I loved all the cool different-house bits, they fit in well, and it's pretty awesome to see everyone popping in and out!

Also, I'm a pretty awesome rescuer ;)

Please write more soon! Really want to see how it goes :D

Author's Response: :D I'm grinning like you won't believe.

I can write a mix of humor/angst well? AWESOME!

Glad you thought that fit! :D

Yes you are ;P

I need to start the next chapter! Maybe over break...

Mike. THAANNKKSS!


 Report Review

Review #6, by Dramionie_Child Just a Normal Saturday.

20th December 2011:
HEYY! I read and loved :D But I think you missed the awesome Hufflepuff in there somewhere? Yeah - every story needs one of those. Trust me.*quickly scans through next chapter of her own story and writes in an awesome Hufflepuff*

Yeah. Booya.

So, the actual story.

I really want to know why 'He' wants to meet up with Mike[do I say 'you'? Or is it just someone named after you? I'll say it in 3rd person, for now, until I have been notified.], which I guess is a good thing? My mind is spinning up random possibilities. The last one was that they were madly in love, and 'He' wanted to be the first male werewolf to be pregnant. Yup - I'm a little creepy. But only sometimes. Usually, I don't share it with the world. Lucky you.

I really shouldn't have eaten ALL of my Secret Santa chocolate in one go. I'm probably going to break something soon, so duck if you hear a metaphorical smash. It's probably advisable.

Hmm... I kind of rambling round about now. I'm in the house with a 9m long paper chain, and a very irritating 10 year old. Don't blame.

Maybe I shoudl be writing my story? Probab;y advisable.

I really am sorry that you're getting all my inner thoughts. I've kind of drifted off topic.

I think there could be a little bit more description, and possibly a little bit less talk? But I think that's personal preference.

LOTS OF WRITING INSPIRATION AND VIRTUAL CHOCOLATE!

H-hat.
[Whoops - keep thinking I'm on the forums.]

Childy x

Author's Response: DID I REALLY MISS YOU? O.O Sorry 'bout that... I'll uhh... Write you in the next chapter :D

Actually.. This'll sound stupid but... I haven't solved WHY myself xD Yeah bad planning on my part, but for now it's just that he want's a pack you know? If you've ever researched wolves... Like me... You'd know why I'd make that xD

And, NO! I've read fanfics like that (And I believe stuff like that isn't allowed here? xD).

Chocolate is good xD

I actually wrote my first story (In August... No one's seen it...) 95% dialogue so... I try hard for description xD But I'll add more! :)

Mike. Thanks for the review xD Oh and I don't care if you say you or Mike... :P


 Report Review

Review #7, by accioHPFF Prolouge

14th December 2011:
Hey!

Not really what I expected. Although I did expect werewolves.

I thought it was good. There were a few things that COULD be tightened up slightly; mainly your use of punctuation. It's not really a massive problem, but it is something that you could look at.

I thought how you wrote it was great. I liked how we didn't learn anything about the characters until the end of the chapter. We obviously learnt that they were both werewolves, but we didn't learn who they were until the end. Obviously, we still need to learn more about Michael.

The plot is quite interesting too. Well, not quite - it's really interesting. Mainly I'm wondering in which direction you're going to take this story, because I honestly have little idea as to what you're going to do; there are SO MANY possible routes.
I think the ideas in this chapter were good. I like the way that you haven't given too much away straight away.

Good job, I'll be leaving a review on Chapter Two!

-accioHPFF! :)

Author's Response: Werewolves are in everything! MWAHAHA! ;)

Yeahhh but we aren't perfect so.. Maybe if I find some stuff, I'll edit it!

I'm glad you liked how I wrote this! And yeah, Michael is going to flesh out in future chapters!

Thanks! Glad you like the plot (as little as there is shown) too!

Woo! :D

Mike. Thanks!


 Report Review

Review #8, by TheProphecy Prolouge

13th December 2011:
Heya!

You get the dubious honour of being my first review. I rather hope you don't mind it might be a bit rambly, i'm going to try to keep it to a minimum of tangenty type things.

Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation

So I've noticed you don't really employ the use of semi-colons which can be useful. I'm not going to pretend to be an expert in this field, my own grammar and punctuation being often horrific at best. But I would encourage you to use the Semi-colon a few more times and it's basically there to connect two really similar sentences and sometimes you put a comma there instead so just watch out for that and don't be afraid! The other thing was i noticed in a few places you have double words like 'very very' where you haven't put a comma between them, so be careful.

Writing style

So, you seem to have an intelligent writing style, nice use of language in varying places. I feel sometimes you don't develop your sentences fully and clip them off slightly short, try to make sure it's developed enough so you can move on and doesn't feel so abrupt. I think this also attributes to the short paragraphs you have, other then speech (which you have a lot of I will admit) try to not have one-line paragraphs, add details, constantly be developing, foreshadowing, hinting, anything.

Characterisation and Development

I sort of touched on this already, but I feel with Micheal, there could have been a little bit more of his character displayed, it might be because it's midnight but reading it I didn't get a huge sense of his character so just remember to always be developing that and giving more subtle detail. It's not ostentatious, in your face type detail I want, just little things keep dropping them in there. I can see you're starting to do that just continue it more.

Plot

So, we don't get a huge amount of plot in there, but that's okay. I like what you've done so far because I don't think it's needed that much it's a good introductory chapter and gives us a good insight into our protagonist which is brilliant and jsut what you need.

Overall

Overall I really like this as an opening chapter, few things you need to work on but no one is perfect so it's fine. Just keep of developing and don't be afraid of that punctuation!

I really like the story so far and well done!

Hannah x

Author's Response: Woo! And it's long... Which is good! Helpful!

Grammar and spelling and stuff... NOT my expertise, considering my age (Can I use that as an excuse? xD) and always having been bad at it... Although I learned how to use semi-colons properly today, so this should improve!

Writing Style. You can have an intelligent writing style? Huh, I'm happy now! Add details, got it!

Characterization, just add an ever so slightly more character, got it!

Plot, Wooo!

Overall. Woo! I'm happy now.

Thanks so much! :D

Mike.



 Report Review

Review #9, by bri_5_stars Prolouge

13th December 2011:
Hola!
So having not really ever read a werewolf fic, I say that it is rather different from my standard. That being said, this was a good beginning. Very dark angsty and emotional, though it seems like its supposed to be so that's good. There was quite a bit of despair so it seems like it might be a bit tough to turn it to humor, so good luck!! Good job.
-brithewriter

Author's Response: Never really read a werewolf fic? *GASP!*

Thanks! Trust me I think I have the angst humor mix down in the next chapter! :P

Thanks! Glad you liked it!

Mike.


 Report Review

Review #10, by TheGoldenKneazle Prolouge

7th December 2011:
AAAHH This is so cool Mike! I can't wait to see where it is going, literally so excited right now! But SO MUCH ANGST. Wow, I can't wait to see how we all come into it!!
The werewolf thing is so awesome, btw. It's going to be so exiting!! 10/10 lols ;) This is so amazing, I love it!

Author's Response: It's pretty awesome how I didn't expect this, yet I think I should have. xD

Anyways, woo for being excited! Thanks! All my stuff has angst, so I HAD to include it! Besides, this will make the plot flow way better because... If I hadn't written this angsty preview... The story wouldn't have a plot! And... I made a pretty big one.

Thanks :D Werewolves are always awesome.
Woo! 10/10!

Thanks again! Mike.

PS: This response is basically unneeded xD It's longer than your review... Oh well, Rambling comes naturally.


 Report Review

Review #11, by Beeezie Prolouge

5th December 2011:
Hey, this is Beeezie with your review! :)

Well, first off, I remember your first stories that I reviewed way back in god, what was it, September? And - please don't take this the wrong way - but your writing has improved so much! Your prose is much smoother, and I think that using an OC has given you a lot more freedom with their characterization. I'm really impressed by how far you've come in such a short amount of time! :)

You know me, and you know how mechanics obsessed I am, so it won't surprise you that I have a few comments. :P

The major issue I saw with your writing style here was that at times, it felt a little too passive. Whenever one is writing about a character who's feeling depressed, I think that they have a lot more latitude with a passive tone than they would otherwise, but it's still important to use it in moderation.

To give you an example of what I'm talking about, in the second paragraph, you say "I thought as I felt cold, pure cold, chilling me to the bone, allowing whatever energy I had left to be used as I shivered." Using the word "allowing" takes away a lot of the punch of the statement - a more active way to say it might be to replace "allowed" with "drained," because that would really convey Michael's submission to the cold. Does that make sense?

I also wanted a little more description of the surroundings. While you did a good job of describing Michael and Greyback and providing enough narrative to really help me understand how Michael is feeling, I wanted a little more about where he was and how that was affecting him. It's not the main point - the interaction is - so I don't think that you need much of it, but a little more would have been nice.

That aside:

I thought that you conveyed his helplessness and conflict really well in the beginning. The relentlessness of the negative thoughts pushing their way in reminded me a little of Tennyson's poem "The Two Voices," which is one of my favorite poems of all time - anyone who's dealt with any kind of depression knows the feeling of trying to think positive thoughts, but having the negative ones overwhelm them, and you portrayed that state really well. However, I would have liked to see a little more to ground his situation - there was great prose but not quite enough detail. I didn't want a biography, but a few more specifics about being a werewolf or his friends or whether this is a usual state or if something in particular set him off, or even where he is and how he came to be there would have been nice, especially since it would have helped to contextualize Greyback's showing up a little better.

That's not to say that you need to fill in all the gaps - I'm a huge fan of cliffhanger endings or leaving the reader wondering at the end of the chapter, because it keeps them coming back. However, I think that it's also important to have enough information to pull them into the story in the first place, and I think that you're missing just one or two little pieces of information to do that to the greatest possible effect.

I'm really curious to see what you do with this, so please feel free to rerequest. I'm actually a huge fan of gallows humor (it's a staple of any remotely serious conversation with me when I'm not censoring myself for the forums), and if this comes anywhere near that, I'll probably enjoy it quite a lot!

I hope you found this helpful! :)

Author's Response: Thanks for reviewing, and this is an amazingly helpful review!

I've worked hard with my writing, so I'm happy that it has improved as much as it had! And yeah, I know you and your mechanics! That's why I requested this! :P

Moderation... Got it! And using certain words in places like that does make sense! I understand how drained would have a bigger effect than allowed.

I understand about the descriptions!

I actually never even thought about describing Michael in a small bioish way... I probably should've explained that, or read over this one or two more times than I did!

Thanks again! And I'll be sure to re-request when I have Chapter 2 ready, edited, and validated! It's more humorish than this chapter, so... Maybe I'll get a laugh or two?

It's wonderfully helpful! Thanks Beeezie!

Mike.


 Report Review

Review #12, by CloakAuror9 Prolouge

26th November 2011:
Dear me! What's with the cliff hanger?!

The spelling and grammar are fine although there were some grammatical errors but you would have to re-read the story a few times to actually see them!

The characterisation was fine -I say 'fine' because this is only your first chapter and it was an OC so I couldn't really observe much things.

However, I believe that your story will be fun and exciting! I really like/hate the cliffhanger but oh well...

Great start,
CloakAuror9 xx

Author's Response: *Phew* Glad about the grammar, that's my biggest issue when I write...

I know it's only the first chapter, but even so I'm glad it's ok!

Thanks! I like/hate the cliffhanger too, because now I have to re-write some of the first chapter I had before ;)

Thanks again!

Mike.


 Report Review

Review #13, by javct Prolouge

26th November 2011:
Here with your review!
What a cliffhanger! It's very effective.

There were a few small grammatical errors but I had to look closely to find them. I can't really comment on your characterisation because it's only the first chapter and your main character is an OC but I think Greyback's personality was great, it was just on the line of being physcopathic but not quite there (which is how I imagined him in the book)

I like it how you didn't tell the reader the names of the characters until the end, it made me guess throughout the story who they were and Greyback was the last person I expected.

All in all, great chapter and good luck with the rest of your story :)
*Jaz, 9/10

Author's Response: Glad the cliffhanger is effective!

I think... My grammar is getting better! Yay! I was so worried about that... I always am... And yeah, I know characterization would be hard on the first chapter.

I'M SO GLAD GREYBACK IS ON CHARACTER! He was... Really fun to write.

I was trying out a few mechanics here, and that was one of them, and I'm happy that it worked well!

Thanks a lot :D

Mike.


 Report Review

Review #14, by Millarz Prolouge

25th November 2011:
You betcha I'm yelling at ya to finish this story! I love this story (and its terribly annoying yet very well placed cliff hangar [hurry up with the next chapter so my torture will end!] that makes me want to read more). Of course, I'm also biased for apparent reasons :P

Author's Response: Just so you know, the next chapter starts on what you've already seen soo... Just this will be reference through "flashbacks." Thanks for reviewing! And... MWAHAHA! Cliffhangers :D

Mike.


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login