Reading Reviews for Remember
  
3 Reviews Found

Review #1, by killinglonely Remember Me

26th February 2012:
Hey, this is killinglonely with your review! At the moment I'm unable to log into my account so I'm going to have to review you without logging in.

First, this was very, very touching. You have a natural knack for showing people's emotions. I loved how I could just feel the pain and the sadness and the love throughout the entire thing, it made me feel like I was right there alongside them, experiencing it all. Emotions are something that a lot of people often leave out of their stories, I'm not sure why. But you did a good job including them and making them very realistic, so I applaud you on that. You can really feel the love they have for each other.

I would go through this and read some of your sentences out loud because your dialogue is very unrealistic. Here's an example, but the sentences are all over the place so I would just read through this again and edit as much as possible.
I had to see you. I am alone without you. I have no life without you. You bring the light into my heart and I cannot feel that warmth without you." A little cheesy. You can just cut off everything after I have no life without you, because the whole you bring light into my heart thing is a little strange.
Mostly you need to remember that this took place in the 20th century, so all the don't frets and my love and my darlings aren't really necessary. Try to modernize everything you say. Don't fret can become don't worry. My love can just become love, same with my darling should just be darling. Try to stay away from metaphors, like I see what you see, and you bring warmth to me, no one really talks like that. If you really want to show affection think about a relationship you had or one you witnessed. They most likely just say 'I love you, you mean everything to me.'

I don't mean to rag on your story because it really is quite good and the emotions really are wonderful. you just need to clean up your dialogue but other than that I think this is a wonderfully written story, full of description. Feel free to ask for another review from me anytime! 8/10

Author's Response: Awesome, thanks!

I didn't think of the things you said about it being cheesy and the modernising thing - thanks for pointing it out! I suppose when I write a fic with only two characters I try and put in all of that 'over-the-top' stuff and don't actually think about what I'm doing. I wanted this to be a full-on love story so that when Lily dies there's a big impact and will [hopefully] make people cry.

Thanks for reviewing and would you mind reading Through Tuney's Eyes?

dobbys_socks


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Review #2, by Giola Remember Me

19th December 2011:
Hey!

This is your secret santa leaving you a review :) Merry Christmas!

I thought this was a very moving piece. You've really captured James's sadness at the situation, and I felt drawn into Lily's mind in a way that was slightly creepy. She seemed so hopeless, almost the opposite of James. You show the dynamic and love between the very well.

One thing I'd say watch for is the dialogue. Some of it, to me, seems a little unrealistic and almost cliche. It works with the atmosphere you're creating, but perhaps try reading it out loud, often that will highlight the parts that don't seem natural.

You've got a really good handle on grammar and sentence structure, there was nothing that stuck out to me then, which means it was very good :) You've also done well showing the characters and their depth in such a short piece.

Overall, good job, and Merry Christmas once again!

-Giola

Author's Response: Thanks! I didn't think it was that good! That is good advice to read it out loud and yeah, the dialogue was very cliched thinking back on it. Thanks you reviewing and Merry Christmas!

dobbys_socks


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Review #3, by hedwigs_theme Remember Me

28th November 2011:
Wow, wow, wow! As I have already told you I love this story, you are so talented! How do you make the diamond things that separate the paragraphs?

Amazing!

p/h

Author's Response: thanks, I'm glad you like it! the diamonds are just symbols from microsoft word. thanks!

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