Hi, i'm finally here for the review you requested! I'm so sorry for the delay but thing around here got very hectic.
This chapter was long, but i wasn't bored with it so i think you did a good job at keeping the reader engaged. There was enough going on that i wanted to keep reading to see what would happen and yet not so much that i felt like i was getting action overload. Great balance with that.
You have a really interesting premise here and i love when i read stories that explore different magical abilities. It is something i've recently been thinking about recently about and i'm interested to see how X play's into this story. You've begun very intriguingly which i think people will come back to read more because of this.
Characterisation wise, i think you did a good job at keeping Dom and Victoire consistent. I actually really liked how Dom ( i loved her in general and i think you've done an excellent job with her altogether) was the more dominant sister of the two and how Victoire was jealous of Dom's success at life. I thought this was interesting take because i think most people do it differently. How did you come up with their unique characterizations?
You write well, i don't know why people aren't reviewing but you generally have a lovely writerly tone to your work. I think you need to work on some more descriptions which will help flesh out your work a bit more. Right now it's very dialogue driven which is okay but don't forget to add some more description so that you are engaging all of the readers senses.
A couple things i thought of as i read this, the characterizations, although consistent and usually very well done, i think the jealousy could be fleshed out a bit more so that the reader gets images of this feeling before the werewolf attack. There are small images of it now but i think if you add a few more subtle images of it the reaction will make more sense.
The reaction itself, i think was believable to me. I think it is possible for her to react in such a way. if you add a bit more about the jealously, have it seem more like it's just been building up in Victoire for some time now and finally she is displacing her frustration at this pivotal moment. I feel like if you fleshed out Victoire a bit more than maybe it would seem as more of a natural reaction because i feel like her character, although very good, could have used a bit more something.
One more thing i'd like to point out is X, i liked him, but i felt like their quick connection was a little premature and there are questions i have that are unanswered with him... like why was he crying? there is something about him and his uncle that i find a little sinister perhaps? Maybe it's because his appearance coincided so closely with Victoire's accident. His uncle seems like a very disagreeable fellow anyway.
Overall i think you did a good job with the introduction of this story and it really is an interesting premise. i'm glad you asked me to review! I hope you found my words helpful
=DAuthor's Response: Yeah, I basically came up with this based on the dynamic between the two sisters - most of the time people write about a younger sibling trying to live up to all of the things their older brother/sister do, but I thought it would be quite interesting to do it the other way round, since there is room for so much more bitterness there.
It's great to know that you found the reaction believable because I was really unsure about it! I knew how I wanted Victoire's feeling of jealously and hurt and bitterness to come across but I wasn't sure if I managed to do that well! I think I will go back and try to add more of the jealousy earlier on as suggested in order to make this work better - so thanks!
I'm also really happy with the questions! Basically, yes, there is something really sinister, no, it probably wasn't a coincidence, and it is all going to be revealed later :D
Thanks for the review! :) Report Review
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