Oh this is good! I love how you've characterized Lizzie (mostly because she sounds just like me) and how you've created Gemma and Candice's relationship. Also, the skipping around in time probably won't be a problem, as long as you do it by chapter. You just have to be careful on making it as clear as you can on what time period you're writing in.
~elle Report Review
Hello there! LionsRule here from the forums with your requested review. Please forgive me for the terrible wait (I know it's been over a month since you requested this) but better late than never, right? :)
First off, you opened this chapter really well. I always have issues opening into a scene, and I think you glided into the opening very smoothly. Your characters seem very interesting already.
Once thing I would recommend would not be making your paragraphs so large and separating the dialouge from them a bit more. It would generally make the chapter easier to read. Not that it's bad now, just an idea for you to improve.
Your writing flows really nicely, and your descriptions are beautiful. Your characters thoughts are really well-developed and seriously, I can't get over how amazingly well you describe things. I tried to find a quote or a passage for an example, but the whole chapter just has amazing descriptions, so I couldn't pick!
Your ending was the perfect cliffhanger. This seems as though it has the potential to blossom into a really amazing story, so stick with it. Thanks for requesting, and once again, I'm really sorry for the delay in getting this up!
- JacquelineAuthor's Response: Okay, so, it has taken me an appallingly long time to respond to this -- so let me apologise! I'm so sorry! I haven't logged on here in a while, though that's absolutely no excuse. And thank you for taking the time to review, I appreciate it. :)
I actually prefer longer paragraphs, though I do see your point. Long paragraphs can be a bit...er...daunting? I guess? *dies* Yeah. I know what you mean. They are a bit lengthy -- I'll have to go through and see if I can find a point of cut-off that's smaller. ^_^
But thank you for your kind words! I fret constantly over my writing lolol so I'm super glad that you like my descriptions and that it flows okay. :) -squishes you-
thank you so much again! I still smile when I read this review. ^_^ ♥
-Taylor Report Review
Hey Uncivilized! i've come for that review you requested on the forums, i'm sorry for the huge delay but it's been a bit hectic around here recently.
I really enjoyed this, so much so that i had to go and read both chapters! You do a lovely job with characterizations and i can really feel the tensions in this family. It seems like a lot of different personalities got thrown in together and they are just trying to make it through. The tensions especially with Candice are especially poignant and telling of her character in general. I liked how you gave them all very distinct personalities as well. Their relationships are very real and i see that happening all the time in real life, they petty fights with siblings like Gemma and Candice in the first chapter. Especially with the displaced anger. Gosh, that was amazingly well done. Elizabeth herself seems like a very interesting character. She seems very strong will and incredibly opinionated, it really helps me envision James's statement from the last chapter actually.
I also really loved the interacting between Gemma and James. James seems so perfectly characterized and how Gemma acted in the last chapter fit perfectly on how Elizabeth described her in this one.
There is something about your writing that i absolutely adore. It's so descriptive and really sets up the scenes so beautifully. I think that is what makes a really good story is the attention to detail and not just the characters. Really, really well done.
I also want to mention the starting of the whole story was so well done and really frew the reader in
They were everywhere.
It's so simple but it really drew me in. It reminds me of that challenge a while ago about epic first lines but yours gave me the chills, probably because i was imagining something very sinister.
There was a few problems with flow and some misplaced words perhaps? For instance
There was something distinctly poisonous about Candice at that moment, whether it was her expression or her words and Elizabeth had to repress the urge to look away.
Should it be but or that Elizabeth had to repress the urge to look away.
Honestly, no other criticisms other than a few flow problems here and there that a good run through would fix. Lovely story and thank you so much for requesting me! I hope you let me know when the next chapter is out
:DAuthor's Response: Hi there! :)
No worries at all, December's a pretty busy month, yeah? So, thanks for taking the time to read and review!
Oooh, that makes me so happy to hear. Because it's not immediately clear what the story is about - (which is very much typical of me because I'm all about vagueness xD) - I worried that it might not have been interesting enough to draw people in. I feel all warm-fuzzy now, knowing that I did okay with that because this is a story that I really enjoy putting to words. Especially with the characters that have managed to plant themselves in my mind. To me, writing is all about the characters. I lovelovelove them, so I spend a lot of time planning them - though often times they start to write themselves, in a way.
I'm glad that the anger/petty fights felt realistic to you. I don't have a sister, just an older brother, and I kinda wondered if it was real enough. Because, well, I don't really fight with my brother and when we do, it's not based from anything serious like this it. (And I also fret over everything so, of course, I had to fret over that too xD). Here's to hoping I can keep the characterizations and realistic interactions going. :)
Thank you for you kind words! I'm blushing profusely right now. :$ I love my characters.but I love my descriptions just as much. ♥ And gaaah *flail* I love that you like them and my writing, too.
And you are definitely right about the flow and misplaced words! I just went through each chapter and picked up a few things that I had missed (I don't tend to read my chapters again before posting them...which is bad on my part lol). So, thanks for making note because otherwise I probably wouldn't have done so! XD I'll be sure to let you know! I'm hoping to actually get this story written (because my other has been a flop thus far) and I've got a few bits written.
Thanks again for reading and leaving me this wonderful review! I really appreciate it and the kind words that you've left me with -- I'm smiling like an idiot right now. ((:
-Taylor ♥ Report Review
*throws confetti on herself*
Gahhh Taylorkins, this was absolutely fantastically hnngg-worthy! It wasn't the first time I've read your writing - heck it wasn't the first time I've read this one - but this delish thingamajinglebells of an awesome opening still gave me chills. Especially this line:
Have you seen this girl?
On its own it was nothing special, just a regular interrogative sentence, but what made it stand out was how you reached that line and how you set up the beginning paragraphs before it. There's always something about your writing that impresses me whenever I read anything from you (forum post not included, because they amuse me more than impress me - this is a compliment :P). Gurl, you know how to set up a mood like a boss! I love it when authors take their time to do that, to pay attention to the detail of the setting more, because imagining the scene in my head's so much easier and more satisfying for me. And gosh, you have a way with words that I found really, really poignant and refreshing. Every smile and movement were somehow more... I dunno, graceful? Teehee Like this, for example:
He paused briefly, distracted by the flutter of blonde hair and the waving of her delicate hand.
Technically, a wind just blew and she just moved her hand, but it just seemed infinitely more purrddyyy the way you put it like that. *flails*
I got a very clear idea of your characters. I thought you presented them really well and the dynamics between Gemma and Candice (excuse me for having a mental image of Chloebearsizzle for that one) was very believable. It reminded me of how my sister and I interact for some reason, because we always do get into silly shoving and fighting like that once in a while. Sometimes just because it felt natural and familiar, and sometimes - like Gemma and Candice - because we'd rather deal with misplaced anger and frustrations than actually face the real causes of our annoyance. And James! I adored James in this. His character's very honest and I loved that about him. That part about saying that it was Lizzie's fault for acting not acting her age told a lot about his character I think.
And snort, sex hair. So many questionable thoughts in just two words. So perfect. *whistles*
No criticisms. I thought it this chapter was very polished and I'd be such a hypocrite if I'd tell you to watch your commas. I'm guilty about that myself. OMG and em dashes? I devour them for breakfast. Besides, comma abusers are fearless and sexy in my humble opinion. :P I did notice one line:
"Don't. It's someone's fault. If it's not yours, and it's not mine, then who's is it?" --> I think it should be 'whose' is it?
That's it, really. Your premise, of course, was absolutely delish and I cannot wait to read more about this and see where this will go. Now hurry up and post chapter two, you fooo...
*huggles x a hundred plus a dancing carrot and a cookie*Author's Response: YAY FIRST! *throws confetti too* ;D
So, lemme write you a story right now.
Once upon a time, there was this young, innocent girl named Taylor. After a long and arduous day at school, she had decided to take a nap to rest her weary eyes. Instead of resting for the half hour she had intended, she slept for two hours and contemplating staying in bed until the morning.
Alas, thirst and hunger quickly took root and so, she climbed out of bed. While moaning and groaning, Taylor turned on her laptop and popped onto HPFF like she often does.
What she saw made her grab onto a chair to keep her standing. It was -that- good. And then, after regaining her sense, she died. Because some incredible person named Kristine just -blew- her mind away that she could hardly stand it!
The end. :D
gaaah, Tinny. You are so fantastically amazing for my ego! Thank youuu for your such kind words. ♥ Let's hope I won't go over the character limit on these things... xD
That part of this chapter was probably my favourite (and I really don't like saying I have "favourite" bits of my writing because, well, it sounds weird? *dies*). But yeah, I'm actually quite proud of it and I'm glad that you liked it too! -flails- I'm actually having trouble responding appropriately to this review because it is JUST THAT AMAZING.
When I write, the things I simply adore more than anything else are the characters and the setting they're in. Oftentimes, I can just -see- them so clearly in my mind and I know who they are in a single instant. But then I get stuck on ironing out the kinks in plot and actually getting the words out... which is probably why I don't write as much as I should... but I digress.
*relieved sigh* You know, I was actually kind of worried about the Candice/Gemma thing. I was worried that it might have seemed like too much, because I don't have a sister and I wasn't sure if it was something 'different' than having a brother (who I could never shove around lolol). But also given the family dynamic, it was probably an appropriate reaction anyway.
In my mind, James is really quite mature emotionally. But of course, everyone messes up and makes mistakes - and he'll certainly be making his fair share of them. ;)
homg I seriously abuse commas and em dashes like CRAZY. But I love them. So much. *adoring face* I use them aaall the time. And I'm totally stealing that line and putting it in my siggy, mmkay? Mmkay.
Aaand you be right about that! Thank you for pointing that out. *dies* I always do that lololol I'll edit it once I get my banner to put in. :D
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU *tackles* ♥ ♥ Report Review
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