Oh wow, ahha. I think I liked this chapter away more than the first. You seemed to be pretty explicit when it comes to teenage issues which I must say I really love. I can't get that up close and person to stuff like former mention in the above ^ when writing I'd have skirted around the stuff, or just avoided the issue all together and I loved that you were gutsy enough to go for it.
Al, also, oh I loved him. His characterisation was just really orginal and great - it seems sort of real too, again in a larger-than-life type of way.
Yeah, really enjoying this still. I'm very tempted to add it to my favourites and keep a-reading. Yeah, I've typed that so now I will. Make sure to update soon, or I'll have nothing else to review.
-ACAuthor's Response: With this whole writing thing I'm still trying to connect the dots and figure out The Answers. (Questions being (a) How do I write again? and (b) So, a novel, huh?) So thanks a lot for the vote of confidence!
Also, 'a-reading'. *giggles*
Actually, I've already added Muggle Studies to favs, so just to be clear: I'm not being polite; I really, truly love your story. So there.
Thanks for stopping by and good luck -) Report Review
Okay this is really good, I love the voice you've given Rose here - it just comes out so real and clear. Honestly, I sort of nearly believe she's real in a 'larger than life' type way, but I like that. She seems sort of American to me, I have no idea why actually... wait, she reminds me out of the girl from 'Wild Child' so that would be why :)
I like how you had Dom not being hopelessly in love with Teddy, but just sort of... transfering her heartbreak-yness of being cheated on onto him. I really like that.
Actually, I just throughly enjoyed the whole chapter. I'll be looking to read on at some point in the future :D
-ACAuthor's Response: Thanks so much -) Since your own characters are so well-written, original and complex, the compliment means a lot.
I haven't seen 'Wild Child', but I'm definitely going to check it out now. As for Rose's Americanness, it's a case of write what you know, I think. I've spent more time in the US, than in England, and it must've left a mark -) In my head she sounds like that song, My Favourite Game by The Cardigans, god knows why.
Anyway, thanks again for your review and Happy Holidays! Also, I hope, that Chapter Three of 'Muggle Studies' is already in the queue -) Report Review
Wow. It's really good - I like your writing style and the way you've characterised Rose so far seems pretty original, so kudos to you! I particularly liked the way you worked her hangover into the narration and kept it up - also the conversation with Dom was funny.
Just one thing: I'm not entirely sure if wizards are allowed to use Memory Charms on each other in everyday life... there's an office to do that to muggles, after all.
Apart from that - and that's just me being picky - I really enjoyed it!
Aph xxAuthor's Response: Thank for stopping by and leaving such a lovely review! I did my best to work with the hangover thing and not overdo it - like, you know, have Rose think, "My head is killing me!" in every single paragraph. So I'm very glad you enjoyed the whole thing -)
About the Memory Charms. To tell you the truth, I'm not entirely sure if wizards are allowed to use those in everyday life, either, but that's not really important. I wanted to show that those Weasley/Potter kids are a bit on a wild side, and tend to do dangerous stuff just for the hell of it.
That's how I see the NextGen - they're quite famous, their parents are busy Ministry employees, who, probably don't spend much time enforcing discipline at home just because they don't have the time to spare; the kids have money to spend and their life isn't really all that challenging. The world they live in is a bit like 1920s in Europe, all that jazzy, party-it-up vibe.
Anyway, thanks for bringing it up, I'll look into the matter and do my best to figure out the exact rules -) Thanks again for your review and Happy Holidays! Report Review
Hi there! Hehe, your chapter titles just made me grin! xD (wanted to mention that before getting down to the real business).
Ok, your first paragraph didn't actually make sense to me, but I'm really tired at the moment so excuse me if I'm being a massive vegetable.
But the rest of it was really good! I love the humour in this, and Rose seems characterised really well. Just be careful that you don't focus too much on getting humour in here. This can be a really good story. I'd advise less use of (brackets)!
L xAuthor's Response: Thanks for your review! I'd actually changed chapter titles about forty-seven times before I came up with the whole name thing -) Looks good, huh *ridiculously proud*
As for the humour - well, yes, I do tend to be carried away at times. I'm fight it as best I can; in fact, at this point a 12 step programme is the only answer -)
I look at that bit at the beginning and see if I could make it less confusing, pinky swear!
Anyway, thanks again for the feedback and Happy Holidays -) Report Review
This was a very nice and amusing first chapter and I couldn;t tear my eyes away from the page. I actually liked Rose's rablings and I found that they made the whole thing unique and very nice to read an have a good laugh at.
There were no major mistakes that I culd pick out which made the whole thing much easier and nicer to read. Good work with that part of the story :3
So like a said, a good and solid first chapter which is a little gem to read. Keep it up
Ravenclaw xxAuthor's Response: First of all, June Knight is, like, the coolest name ever. Secondly, aww, thanks so much! I'm glad you enjoyed the story. 'Unique', 'good laugh', 'couldn't tear my eyes away', 'good and solid' - I'll be reading and re-reading these for days, I think)
The credit for 'no major mistakes' in the chapter goes to The_seeker12, a really good beta who's been kind enough to read the whole thing through.
Well, thanks for stopping by and Happy Holidays -) Report Review
Hi! You're tagged!
I really liked this opening chapter, it's very funny and imaginative. I like how you go back and forth with the descriptions of events; going from remembering past events to what is happening right now; you are doing it very well and it is not something a lot of people are good at.
Sure some little things bothered me a bit, like the use of a cell phone... I know it's in the future and wizards may have found a way to use them but I still have a lot of difficulty with that subject. It's a personal thing though, I just couldn't help but write it :P
The characters are interesting and original; great job. I really enjoyed my read!Author's Response: Thanks so mush for your review! Finally someone doesn't mind it if poor hangover Rose rambles a bit -)
I had my doubts about the cellphone thing, and you're not the first person to say it was a bad idea; well, apart from the whole future thing, both Potters and Weasleys are Muggle-friendly families with some Muggle device collectors in them, and Rose isn't at Hogwarts yet, so there isn't that much magic to interfere with electronics.
This mobile phone episode might seem random and irrelevant, but it actually shows an important bit of Rose's personality. She's a part of a big family, but she feels disconnected; when in trouble, she prefers to talk to some semi-stranger over the phone, rather than to those around her. That's gonna be important later in the story, when she'll have to make some tough choices and face real responsibilities. God, do I love to explain things.
Anyway, thanks again for your review and Happy Holidays) Report Review
Wow that stinks for Al! Nice invention of the "Morning After Potion." This story is very well written! I think I forgot to say "welcome to Ravenclaw" on the last review! Good job on the story!Author's Response: Thanks for the welcome! I feel like one of those very special snowflakes right now)
Anyway. Thanks for your feedback, it's very nice of you to say all those things. By the way, just realized, that the story of yours I reviewed was a one-shot, silly me. Well, if you ever try to make it into something longer, I'll definitely read it -) Report Review
This story is so amusing! I love the casual tone of the narration. It makes it more like I'm in the story and the character is talking to me face to face. I loved this quote "Last year he made everyone forget Jamie during his brother’s birthday party. “Your name?” – “James Potter.” – “Sorry, you’re not on the list.” Now, that was a party to remember." This was so funny! Nice job!Author's Response:
Aww, thanks so much!
I think, that's actually the best line in the whole story so far) Report Review
I really like the idea of this story and the very different characterisation of Rose in this as it's completely different to one's generally on the archive. The whole idea of her getting drunk and hungover made me laugh because it was so unhermioneish behavior!
The humour you brought into the story with her reaction to Dominique was good, making me want to read on into the story. The idea of her being confused about where she is and what she did last night was very well done as the reader knew there was something wrong but not quite what.
I loved the fact that Rose was the one who caused Dominique so much pain by her being the one kissing Finnegan I thought it was well done and I wasn't really expecting it which made the plot develop even more.
The only thing that I found a bit strange was Rose having a mobile because we know from the books they don't really belong in the wizarding world but it didn't make too much difference to the plot.
I really like the plot in this story and think it has a lot of potential!
I'm glad you liked the story. Thanks -)
As for the mobile phone thing, I thought hard about whether or not to do it, and my reasoning goes:
(1) It's the future, and you can tinker with things in the future;
(2) It's a country house, not Hogwarts, so there isn't that much magic to interfere with electronics;
(3) It's a Muggle-friendly family, and they are likely aware of what's happening in the non-magical world;
(4) It's teenagers we're talking about, and I'm yet to meet a teenager who doesn't own a cellphone;
(5) Those kids are on summer break; what else is there to do but to party and to text each other about the awesome parties they've been to.
Oh my. The scary thing is, it's not even close to the end of my list -) but you get the idea, right?
Anyway, thank for stopping by and leaving such a nice feedback -) Good luck Report Review
Hey, this is apocalypse, here with another review for you!
Flow: Hey, huge major improvement! I noticed that you worked on Rose's thoughts and kept that to minimum. Because of that, the flow of the chapter was very good. You managed to balance the dialogues, the story and the pace very well.
I said in my previous review that the description could use a little work. Well, I can see that you paid attention to the surroundings and the overall scene rather than just focus one thing. Rose was talking to Al but she had her attention diverted to the activity downstairs which added a very nice contrast to the scene. Her thoughts were balanced: she was paying attention to the activity and thinking about it too but she was attentive to Al. Go good work with that! =)
Characterization: Rose: I love her character more than before now. She's not nice generally but still she's nice in her own way =P (I'm thinking that didn't make sense at all) She has so many but still she sounds a complete person who knows what her strengths and weaknesses and admits them freely. It's not easy to make a person so... what should I say, bad? and then make them likeable too. I love her personality =D
Albus: Whoa! What happened to him? I have to say that I hadn't EVER thought he would be a smoker as well as womanizer. It's unique and kinda good to see how you've changed his character so much from what it's assumed to be. I liked him.
Your main concern for this chapter: dialogue: I don't know why you were worried. Honestly, it's SO much better than the previous chapter. it flows smoothly and is in perfect flow with the thoughts and the happenings. Rose's dialogue was perfect and Al's was fine too. There's only one line I had a problem with: "What I'm gonna do, cuz?" Either the I'm in this is typing mistake or you've written it on purpose instead of writing it as 'am I'. That's the only issue with dialogue I could see. It was actually very amusing!
One thing I noticed: It's been two chapters and there hasn't been any reall progress on the plot. You've been focusing on the side picture too much and I haven't really figured out what's gonna happen. In a way that's good because you've definitely captured your readers' interest and have ensured that they'll come back so now you can lay out your original plan. However I'd like to say that you really should work on the plot soon. After all, you don't want them to get bored because of the lack of direction. But that's merely advice. I'm sure you have something up your sleeve that's definitely gonna be awesome.. I'll look forward to it =D
Overall, a very funny chapter and some very funny scenes! I loved how you've incorporated her thoughts into the chapter that aren't relevant to the situation but fit in perfectly! I LOVED the insertion of the idea of Fred trying to tape up the owl cage and then the owl. It was hilarious and I laughed out loud =D
Hope this review helped =) Feel free to PM me if you have any questions =DAuthor's Response:
Thanks -) You bet it helped.
So nice to hear I've nailed the description thing this time. Feels like a major achievement!
Also, I felt like hugging myself when I read your thoughts on my characters. I love writing this little whoa aspects of their personalities. The best thing about NextGen is that, when it comes to building a character, you can get away with anything!
As for the plot - well, yeah. Nothing actually happened so far, and all those bits I've written look rather random, and all those cliffhangers just, well, hang there, lonely and forgotten. I'm working on that; actually, the very next bit's gonna set a somewhat clear direction for the story - or so I hope -)
Thanks again for your review, and I hope you wouldn't mind if I re-request when the next chapter's up. Report Review
Back again for Chapter 2!
The characterization continues to be pretty strong. You've really given Rose a real personality, complete with many flaws. In a way she's kind of an anti-hero; she's somewhat sypmathetic but not relaly likable if that makes sense, and that's a difficult type of charater to write so good work with that. And Albus as a womanizing smoker? Definetely haven't seen that before!
If i may make a suggestion, its that it doesn't really seem clear where you're going with the plot, by which I mean its not really clear what the main conflict in the story is. Is it going to be about the Dominique/Teddy drama? or about the Albus pregnancy situation? or just a series of situations for Rose? In a way it might flow better if this chapter was combned with the first one. However, this is just the first two chapters, so I'm sure things will be made a lot more clear after you've written the next couple.Author's Response: Thank you so much)
And OF COURSE it makes sense; actually, that's pretty much how I think of Rose. And I'm so glad you like Albus; I was kind of worried there. It's one thing to have a flawed Weasley girl in your story, but a Potter? That's a bit of a gamble, isn't it?
About the plot. I have a very good idea about where I'm going, I'm just having a little too much fun getting there, I guess. Hopefully, I'll be done with the setting and get down to business by the end of next chapter.
Anyway, thanks a lot for your critique, it was very very helpful) Report Review
It's me from the forums with your review!
So let's start with characterization. I think you did a good job with Rose's personality and giving her a voice to tell the story, she really had an attitude, and you can see the mixture of the Weasley blood with Hermione's uptightness. Dominique was pretty insufferable, and you did a good job of playing them off each other. I also enjoyed you inclusion of other characters, particularly Hermione seemed really believable, and your description of Luna's family was pretty funny.
As for flow, there might be a little room for improvement. I get that Rose had a nasty hangover, and she was talking very much like somebody who had one. However, she tended to ramble quite a bit, and it was a little to easy to lose track of what she was saying. At times it basically read like a stream of conciousness by a sloppy drunk person. Again, you depicted the sloppy drunk Rose really well, so its not a knock on your writing at all, I'm just suggesting that you might want to cut back on her ramblings a bit just to make things a little easier to follow.
Overall you made good use of the characters and you had some very witty lines interspered throughout the story.Author's Response:
Thanks for your review!
It nice to hear that I did an okay job with my characters. Well, aside from Rose's ramblings, but it gets better in the next chapter, I promise -)
Right now when it comes to writing I'm about as confident as a blind person walking on a high rope, so thanks again for your kind review! Report Review
Good opening. This seemed a little like it could have just been attached to the first chapter, but maybe there's some great reason for that. I got a little confused when you started talking about 'Zen.' Maybe if you'd made it all one paragraph it might have made a little more sense.
I still love Rose. She's so bitchy and self-centred - I just love that you've made her a proper, well-rounded character so early. I'm rooting for her AND hating on her at the same time. And the fact she has a therapist...so brilliant.
Some of your descriptions are so great. The Hep C part, summing up the Scamanders. I couldn't help but want MORE description and though she's great, a little less of what's going on in Rose's head.
There's a few typos, a few random commas that just pulled me out of the story, and what the hell is a 'Klatch'?
It WAS a filler, but a good filler. And I love cliffhangers - can't wait to see what's happened to Lily. It's great you've got an actual story for readers to remember now.
Hey, so nice to see you again! And thanks for your feedback.
Well, first things first, 'klatch' is a typo. It was supposed to be a clutch, as in a tiny little purse to go with a cocktail dress. I'd like to say that 'klatch' is a German version of the word, but, I'm pretty sure that's bul- ahem, not true.
Anyway, all the typos and random commas are fixed in the clean version that's coming up; also, this bit is gonna be attached to the first chapter, because seriously, what was I thinking.
As for the Zen thing, I'm not sure what's so confusing about it, but I'll have a look at that part and see if I could fix things.
That being said, I'm so glad you (mostly) liked this bit. And I'm glad you kind of like Rose; rooting/hating is exactly what I was going for -) Report Review
Hey, this is apocalypse, here with your review!
Let's start off with the areas of concern, shall we?
Flow: Initially, you did a really good job in establishing the flow throughout the chapter, well done! You managed to balance Rose's thoughts and her dialogues fairly well. The dialogues flowed well and the story flowed nicely too. However, I have to say that as we moved on, Rose's thoughts began getting slightly pointless. I mean, she was thinking TOO much which was causing my mind to deviate from the original story. I hope I made sense there =) Though I know it's hard to manage two such things simultaneously, you gave it a shot and did a very good job. =).
You do understand the importance of balance between dialogues and descriptions, they were fine but I'd still recommend you to work a bit hard on both of them in the upcoming chapters. The description as a separate thing was not as good as it could have been. I mean, I could see that you are fairly good with details and such seeing how much you made Rose to think in detail but the problem I noticed here was that the surroundings and the actual feelings seemed like they were barely described. Again, I have to say, I got really lost in her thoughts.
Characterization: Even though I think that her thoughts need a bit work, I still believe that Rose's sarcasm was the life of this chapter. Loved it! It's just typical her. I liked how even with the overflowing sarcasm she still managed to comfort her cousin; she was there for her, irrespective of the hangover and her own inner turmoil.
On the other hand, Dominique: Whoa, she's new. Come to think of it, I actually like this new twist in her. After all, you can't expect every single Weasley child to be good and perfect =P I'm happy with her character. =)
The thing that this chapter lacked was progression. I know it's the first chapter and you don't want to reveal everything just yet but you should at least give your readers clues on what's ahead so that they can't help themselves but come back for more. You did tell us that Dominique is interested in her soon to be brother-in-law, but is that fact enough for your readers? I mean what's so appealing about reading more about Dom, Rose and Teddy? There's that particular spark in a chapter, a particular attraction that seemed missing. I have a feeling that it was there but it just didn't stand out. I hope you know what I mean and work on it. =).
It's hard to comment on the nature of the story just yet. I'll have to wait for the upcoming chapters to give a more detailed review.
An overall review, using your words: =P
Boring: Well... only slightly. The parts that got monotonous were again the thoughts.
Exciting: Definitely! I, for one, would love to see how everyone in the family would react when Dom does what she's planning to do.
Annoying: Not at all! I know I've mentioned the thoughts numerous times now and you probably think that they annoyed me but they didn't. They were monotonous, yes but not at all annoying.
I hope this review helped you! Don't hesitate to re-request =) Until then, best of luck and Happy Writing! =DAuthor's Response:
Thank you! Very, very helpful.
I started writing in first person mainly because I'm not that good at describing surroundings. *blushing* As for Rose's feelings, the girl's got one heck of a hangover, so her emotional range is sort of limited at the moment -) I'm not getting all defensive, just telling it like it is) Report Review
Hi! This is Chocolate_Frog with your requested review. :)
First off, a few mechanics:
+ Metaphors were invented by some ... to make normal people to speak in totally confusing ways.
^ The second "to" in this sentence is unneccessary; it should actually be "to make normal people speak in totally confusing ways".
+ Let's just say, that Jamie is a prick, and leave it at that.
^ Also, in this sentence you have an unneccessary comma after "say". It makes the reader pause at an awkward part, and disrupts the flow of the sentence. You might want to check your comma usage, because this happens a few times in this chaper.
+ She's still declaring her undying love to someone, - most likely, that Finnegan bloke, I suppose.
^ I'm not sure why there's a hyphen after a comma, but I supposed it's a typo. The comma after "likely" is also not needed. (Yeah, I felt like I over-abused the wrod unneccessary. xD)
+ I think I'm gonna throw up.
^ Another thing that I'd like to point out is that when writing, you should use "going to" instead of "gonna". It sounds better that way. In dialogue, it's okay, but in a narrative, like in the above sentence, it just sounds awkward.
All of that being said, I really like the tone of this chapter. The way you write Rose and all of her sarcasm is fabulous, and I loved the anecdotes you included here and there. It just made everything more believable and realistic.
By the way, the bit of foreshadowing in the end with the rosebushes was a nice touch. Hmm, I wonder who Finnegan snogged. (Wink, wink.)
Well, that's it for now, but feel free to re-request once the next chapter's up! ^^
Thanks) Very helpful!
When the Rosebush Mystery unravels, you'll be the first to know.
Also, I'll make sure to change the title to Comma Purgatory) Report Review
Wow, it's been ages since I've found a really good story on this site, but thankfully here it is. I love it!
It's such a great opening to what I hope will be a good story. I already love Rose - the style you write her in is so brutally honest it can't be anything but her own mind. I love the little anecdotes you put it like you're not even thinking about them, because it just makes the story flow all the better. I loved setting the slightly sickening part about Al. Just to ask - is the prick James or someone else? I was a little confused. Most of all I think I loved your paragraph where Rose thought of Hermione packing - in just a few words you've managed to create someone believable and brilliant. Fleur as well...I don't know what it is but you manage to make me fall right into the action and believe I've been there for years instead of minutes.
And what impressed me probably the most is that I love the story right from the first chapter, so thank you and please, please continue. I love it.
(9/10)Author's Response: I had my doubts about this opening, so thanks a lot!
To answer your question, Jamie is indeed James; this diminutive fits my version of his character best. Report Review
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