Ooooh what a beautiful first chapter.
I love the way that everything is so mysterious and the fact that I really want to read on to see how Rose and Scorpius have gotten into that situation where people want to torture them and want them to die.
The way that you've made Rose seem so determined to cause trouble with the people who are trying to murder her is amazing and the start of the characterisation of Rose throughout this story.
Scorpius and Rose is my OTP and I love them so much! I really want to see where you go with the rest of this story and please feel free to re-request!Author's Response: Thank you so much for your wonderful review! I'm so happy you liked it! Life's been crazy as of late, but I'm finally, FINALLY getting back to responding. I can't believe you spotted that characterization straight away - I really wanted to kick it off with a bam. Anyways, thank you so much for your great review! Report Review
I donít even know what to say about this beginning sequence with Sarah. You wrapped the horror in words of beauty that brings an aesthetic quality to it.
She looked down at her own hands and saw that indeed they were also red, indeed there was redness all around her, the acrylic spreading in a circle away from her. She was splendid and this was beauty, she brought her hands to her face once more, only to see more of the beauty splashed onto her fingers, slipping onto the white pavement in drops of red wonder.
This paragraph was just an example of what I am talking about. Iím almost not even sure what I read except that I am. Itís a good feeling.
This moment with Scorpius was interesting in establishing where he is at in terms of his family. You can see immediately the bitterness and how there isnít really a ďfamilyĒ for him but just a pretense. The exchange between mother and son just illustrates that further.
I am confused here though because it is 10am but heís ďrun away from a dinnerĒ?
And then, what? I thought this was a Rose/Scorpius? Maybe Iím wrong but thatís what I remember. Gar. Iím not even near my internet to take a peak at the prologue to check. Hopefully Iíll remember to look before posting thisÖ
I do have to say that I didnít quite get this bit between Teddy and Rose. Is she leaving in an hour? Is she just going to go buy some balloons and thatís how she ends up in London? Or what. Am I supposed to understand what happened?
Oh wait. Maybe hereís this answer. Really well done on all the emotions swamping Rose at this passionate Scorpius who I donít know came from where because heís also there with CharisÖ
I have a bit here about the times. You were doing standard time and then switched to military (or whatever you call it) time. I.E. from saying 2pm to 14:00
Whoa-ho-ho, this is gettingí exciting! What is all of this? (Sorry, not that it wasnít exciting before.) Itís so mysterious. There seems to be some timey-wimeyness involved and I love timey-wimeyness. Especially when it is done well and I donít have to be left confused about it too long or it at least makes sense in the end.
I didnít find it too confusing at all! It definitely is a good confused. I feel Scorpiusí characterization was worked on well here. You can see the unhappy family life, the desire to be a musician and his awareness of his flaws as he uses Charis. Rose, I have her a little bit pinned but not too much. So far sheís just been confused with the encounter with the other Rose and this other Scorpius. She also looks to be unhappy with her family for some reason but donít know why.
Hopefully something was useful in my babble above!
xCharAuthor's Response: First off:
I love timey-wimeyness too. :D
Second: Thank you! I'm glad it's a good confused opposed to a bad confused. And you have some (very) good points - *dashes off to fix them* The Rose/Teddy bit is just before she's off to buy stuff in London for the party they're throwing at her house, maybe it's not clear. Shall look on it.
This was absolutely perfect, thank you so much for reviewing! It was most definitely helpful, so thanks! Report Review
Oh dear god.
Oh my -
Give me a second to die.
What - I can't.
I just... nope. Can't.
Too many feels.
Far too many feels.
Give me a sec, I have to re-read this.
WHERE HAVE YOU COME FROM? A magical land where they give you amazing writing talent? Because I want to steal yours. Why have I never read anything of yours before? WHERE. HAVE. YOU. BEEN. ALL. MY. LIFE?
Now that I'm done fangirling. *straightens suit in a professional manner* let's continue with the review, shall we?
Yes, I believe we shall.
Grammar - You're actually good on this one, as far as I can see anyway. I don't know if you've edited it since you requested or something, but there's nothing to worry about from what I can see :)
Pacing and Flow - This was short, but certainly impactful, (I swear it's a word, and forgive me if it's not. (It should be)) so I wouldn't worry about this at all. You create a marvellous atmosphere within your writing that's only aided by the fantastic flow of the sentences and scene, which draws the reader in and completely hooks them *cough* me *cough.
Characterisation - This is only a prologue, so I can't say too much about this, as we don't totally know the whole story about that's going on here, but Rose already seems to have a fairly distinct personality and perception on what's going on around her, and it's certainly one I haven't read before. Scorpius only made a brief appearance, but even so, he seems to have a very distinct personality. My god, that last line. IT WAS EVEN CENTRED! HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME NOT TO FANGIRL WHEN IT'S CENTRED?!
Plot - I don't even know what I'm supposed to put under this heading, other than the fact that I'm dying to see where it goes as this prologue was pretty plot heavy (although I'm still not sure what the plot actually was...(is?)) Let's just say, it's certainly gripping, so I wouldn't worry much about it at all.
I think that's all I can say here, other than some more squeeing, but I'll save you from that, and move onto the next chapter. (I don't actually have a set number of chapter that I do for my reviews. I'm pretty useless. Sometimes i'll do the whole story, sometime's i'll do two or three, sometimes i'll do one. It all varies on my mood and how much time I have.)
I swear, I normally don't fangirl in my requested reviews. Please don't think any worse of me... *hides*
- Adele :)Author's Response: Wow. This is absolutely the most wonderful review. Ever. Thank you? Thank you so much for all those kind words *blushes*. I really am speechless and in wonder - wow. Just - thank you for all those great great words of critique - and trust me, I don't mind fangirl-reviews!! This is one of the best reviews I've ever received! :) Report Review
I just thought that I'd answer some of the questions that you posted on the forums :) So here is what I thought!
-- There is a lot of going back and forth between the two characters and it might be an overkill?
In my opinion I think it's all about what the reader is accustomed to reading BUT I don't think that it was overkill. I think it had a nice steady flow and I don't feel like you rushed through anything! It actually helped the reader be able to identify what exactly was going on during the chapter and it was interesting (in my opinion) to hear the different voices of the characters. It was a good way to star the story!
--Do you even connect with the characters?
I feel like you write Rose and Scorpius beautifully! I found that you wrote their interactions with each other the best so maybe spend some more time focusing on the other characters too :)
--Also, is it all a bit confusing?
To me I think you wrote this chapter just fine and the way you wrote it made it less confusing and easy to follow! I think giving the story a little confusing is good because it keeps the reader interested :)
Overall I think you have a great start and that you're doing a good job. Just the only thing I'd mention doing is also taking the time to focus on the other characters since like I said I felt like you wrote Scorpius and Rose just beautifully but I felt like we could have learned more about the other characters too.
Well done! 10/10 :DAuthor's Response: Awww thank you so much! this is absolutely what I needed - I was so worried about overkilling/thinking too much and all that, but you have completely set my mind at ease, so thank you! I'm so happy you liked the chapter - thank you for reviewing! Report Review
First off what a way to start your story. Bravo! :) I think you did an excellent job of making your readers interested in the story and the length of this prologue was just perfect. Not too long but not too short either. Just long enough to get the reader interested in the story. It added a nice sense of mystery to your story :)
I'm going to read chapter one but I just wanted to let you know that this was a great start and you have a very nice writing style!Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm so happy you liked it and thanks for the wonderful words :) Yay! Report Review
you are such a fantastic writer! i love your style and how you put all this together, it keeps me wanting more! a lot of fanfics i read are really predictable, but obviously this one isn't. i like that the plot seems a bit...complex. like, it's going to be one that makes me think and keeps me on my toes. i can't wait to see where you're going with this!
just one question -- the different POVs between Rose and Scorpius, are those taking place at the same time? just, obviously in different places and such.Author's Response: Hi there! Yep, they are taking place at the same time. Thank you so much for your wonderful review! Report Review
Absolutely great prologue, it'd be lovely if you continued! Update soon.Author's Response: I will, the next chapter is almost finished! Thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
Geez, your summary is likeÖwhoa. I havenít even read the first line of your story and I already can hear the blood pumping in my ears.
Though I have to say, you could just put In the end, they did not grant her wish or In the end, her wish was not granted just because the double pronoun kind of puts me off.
Gah! Iím just going to give you my corrective points first instead of doing the Running Review because thereís so much to this short chapter that I donít want to intersperse all my wonder with my cc:
as  were they carrying a heavy load of garbage - [if]
numbness of [solitaire] disappeared - this word doesnít fit for me, maybe [solitude]?
Just as they held their breaths she found love. - insert a comma [,]
And now onto my feedback on everything else:
WOW!! What a way to start a story! Youíve definitely captured my attention. I had so many feelings about this chapter. Iím both baffled and intrigued. Iím wondering about all this talk about other realities and finding Scorpius a second time. This chapter made no sense and had sense all at once.
You had so many sentences that I loved. You pair up long sentences with short ones that create an impact. I like how you put imagery in there to illustrate a point rather than bluntly state it. It adds an almost poetic ring to the entire thing.
This line had to be my favorite: Only his eyes had remained beautiful, they had destroyed the rest of him. - I donít know why. I want to know what happened to him.
A very interesting start to a story!
xCharAuthor's Response: Hi! :)
Wow. Seriously. WOW. Thank you so much for your kind words. *blushes*
Thanks for the edits, I'll take a look on it now. I knew the "in the end they did not grant her her wish" was awkward I just couldn't figure out how, so this is great! :) I mean, honestly, you made observances that I didn't even know about my writing! Thank you so much for your wonderful, wonderful review. You just made my day! Report Review
Hi, I'm here with your requested review!
Oh my goodness! Where do I even begin? I'll start by addressing your concerns. Spelling and grammar wise, I think you did a great job, but I'm not too good at noticing the really fine grammar errors. But I can say that there were no errors that were distracting enough for me to even notice them. Now, this is a GREAT appetizer. In fact, it's so good, that I don't even want dinner, lol. Your first paragraph really sucked me in, I love all the description and of course us humans have a tendency to love the sick and the bloody, so all that gruesome stuff really made me go 'WOW! I WANNA READ MORE!'
'All that was left was the endless space between heartbeats where she wished to die' Best sentence in the whole chapter! The endless space between hear beats thing is awesomely clever, one because anything with a heart draws people in, two because endless is an exaggeration, obviously, but I can relate to that as I'm sure other readers can, and it's also neat how it contradicts itself because c'mon, those spaces are HARDLY endless!
This is a lovely chapter. I'm so amazed by your word count. MY style is lengthy and detailed, but you were detailed WITHOUT adding extra length so it was a nice little treat to read. The only critique I have is the Rose/Scorpius bit, I don't know, it seems a bit dramatic to me but then again, they are in a dungeon. I just think that the scene could be entirely appropriate or not appropriate depending on their ages, they seem a lot older than Hogwarts age, so if you wrote them as older than Hogwarts age you absolutely have NOTHING to worry about.
I wish I could say more about how beautiful this is. Come back when you have s'more. 10/10Author's Response: aww hahaha you are seriously too kind! I'm blushing like mad at all these wonderful, wonderful words.
About Scorpius/Rose being older and whatnot: well, this is after everything has happened to them and they would act older, I think. They are about to be killed/tortured and that makes everything a bit more dramatic.
Thank you so much for your wonderful review, gosh I'm really amazed ehh! Thank you thank you so much ! Report Review
Wow. Just wow. And did I mention-wow? This is good-great actually. The description is amazing and this is a very powerful opening chapter. I can see this story going so so far. Its beautiful in a way.
Im not the best at grammar or spelling, but I did notice you left the word if out of here " along the floor behind them as were they carrying a heavy load of garbage".
And I think you meant chorus when you wrote course here, " . There was a course of something, a whisper in her head."
Those are really minor thing though, something you would notice in a read through. Im really excited to see what the next chapter brings!Author's Response: Aww thank you so much for your wonderful, wonderful review! Thank you for your points, I'll make sure to correct them ;) Thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
woah, this was fantastic! Pretty much one of the best first chapters i've read in a while! I can't wait to read the rest! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! The story is being edited slightly, compositionwise, so keep an eye out ! Report Review
This was so good! I love how clearly you write all the characters, and how well they are all developed. I really love all the mystery at the beginning of the chapter and can't wait to see where that goes! You are an amazing writer and put so much detail into everything. I really want to read more and hope that new chapter is posted soon :)Author's Response: It is going to be posted soon. I've almost got it all written down, so I just need to make a few tweaks and edits and then I'll be posting it soon enough ! :) Thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
Wow, this is an amazing story!
I still am a bit confused though, how old are all of the kids? And how old was the Scorpius that kisse her?
Please keep writing the story, it's amazing!Author's Response: I can't tell you, it will all be revealed soon enough, I promise . Thank you so much for reviewing, it really means a lot. Report Review
Intriguing! Can't wait for more, and the mysterious other 'Rose' and 'Scorpius'!Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing, it really means a lot. Report Review
Finally there's somebody who understands that a chapter is more than 400 words! Very well written. I hope to continue reading.Author's Response: Hahaahaahaahaha ! You made me laugh with this comment. Thank you so much for reviewing. The next chapter will be up soon enough, I hope ! Thank you so much for reviewing, it really means a lot. Report Review
I think I'm as confused as Rose is, just I know that the other Rose and the other Scorpius time travelled back... But it's not really helping...:P I'm still confused and therefore really curious :)
I really like this story! it's interesting and well written :) I'm already looking forward to the next chapter :)Author's Response: Hahaha it'll all be revealed soon enough ;) Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon enough ! Thank you so much for reviewing, it really means a lot. Report Review
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