Another good chapter, it's really starting to get there, I am hoping that when you start writing more I will start to see more parts of the ship and some of the mysteries and the suspicious substances and cargo will be reveled? I still really want to know what illegal cargo the ship may be carrying.
There wasn't much interaction with the captain but I am guessing he will come back later. I am starting to wonder if he actually knows about anything that's going on or if it's his employees that are hiding things from him. Guess I will have to wait to find out.
I like the comparison you made with Hogwarts, it made me able to imagine the dinning room (muggle style with a Hogwarts candle touch). It made me feel like I was watching everything that Percy was doing and not just reading it.
I also look forward to learning more about the two people he shared the table with, who they are other then someone Percy had met through work and her son. I do hope you bring them in a bit more they seem like they would make a good addition to the story.
Again I really enjoyed this chapter, but I do hope it starts to move a bit quicker so that I can really get into the mystery part of it. :)
I will be looking out for more. Report Review
This doesn't disappoint, I still want to read more, I don't know what it is but the way you write this story just makes me want to read it until the very end and everything is sorted out and explained. I do enjoy a good mystery novel and this is definitely starting out as one.
It's a good introduction of the ship and some of the crew, I'm curious to know more about Mustafa, the way he talks is making it really hard for me to figure out where he is from. Is he from the UK? Or is he from somewhere else? I'm also really curious to meet the ships captain.
I also really like how there are basically two shipping yards in the one place, like the platform at King's Cross, I know I shouldn't be surprised but I sort of was. I also like how you used one of the shipping containers as the door, it's very creative and a good use of the object that are around the area. You could have just as easily used a warehouse wall or door that no one could ever seem to open but I prefer the shipping container.
I'm also curious to know how the ship works, like, does it go back to the muggle world after it sets sail? Come out of some invisible barrier somewhere out of the harbor or does it stay in the wizarding world the entire time.
This chapter is really intriguing and continues to make me want to read more. I got a bit confused around the part that Mustafa was talking, trying to figure out what he was saying but otherwise it was really well written.
Great Chapter, I look forward to reading the next :) Report Review
This is a really good start, it has me intrigued. Just from this chapter I can tell that anything could happen after this chapter and it really draws you in. The way you left the chapter open for more possibilities is good, and I really like the fact that it's basically like something that could happen in any business or large company only with a magical spin. The way you wrote this makes me what to read on, the fact that you made Percy and Hermione not actually say anything about the illegal goods that may have been on the ship means that my curiosity is pushing me to read the next chapter. Just so that maybe I can find out more.
I really like that this is a Percy story, there isn't much on him and I enjoy the fact that it's a guy in his department that is under questioning for involvement in illegal things. It's not something you would expect Percy to let happen. He always seemed to strict.
I also probably like that unlike most next gen sort of stories, Percy actually gets along with his family, that he isn't so stuck up to communicate in great lengths with people in his family as he may have seemed during his schooling and the first part of his Ministry career.
It's good that you introduced the suspicious character in the first chapter, a lot of mystery stories wait till much later to introduce them and to me it always seems too stretched out and has way to many overly pointless filler chapters. The way you have started it sort of lays everything out for the reader so they can start speculating from the start.
I don't see any problems, it's a really great start to a story and I look forward to reading the other chapters. :) Report Review
Excellent story so far! Keep it up.Author's Response: Thank you! I'm flattered you read to the third chapter, despite my attempts to edit this story. I really appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment. :) Report Review
Cruise ship! Smuggling! Mystery! Percy as the hero! Your summary already made me ridiculously excited. What great ingredients for a story and I really love a sort of adventure mystery story!
I decided to take a peak at your page as a sort of thanks for taking the time to review LittlePaddocks630pm :P And like I said I was happy to find this story. And the summary wasn't just empty promises. You've got a great start here. I love how you've put thought in the ship yards and how everything works there. Oh do you mean Southampton by the way, or is it supposed to be South Hampton, like it is?
Percy is so Percy in this story. Though it's so sad Audrey has died. :( But he is a bit work obsessed and has obviously taken his refuge there after her death and has everything well organized, but you still have him as a friendly and polite person, like he's supposed to be. :) I'll be continuing my reading of this story!Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing! I'm amazed you found the summary interesting, and I think it's almost snooze-worthy. I suspect "biannual licensing renewals" don't bring in droves of readers! :P
I'm actually a slight bit embarassed each time I receive reviews on this story, as I'm planning rather substantial edits. This is the story, by the way, that I'm supposed to write a new chapter for for your challenge. But anyway, the main elements are staying the same, but I think I've plugged some plot holes and whatnot, if I ever bring myself to posting the edits.
Er, I do mean Southampton. I asked once in a status update or something for names of actual British port cities and chose one of the responses without checking a map. Oops.
In this story, Percy is meant to be 62, so Audrey didn't die tragically young. She didn't live to old age either, though. Anyway, I have a soft spot for Percy, and I really am working at trying to do him justice as a character. I'm glad you enjoyed him. :) Report Review
Thanks for the swap!
Right off the bat I have to say that this is one of the most original ideas I've seen in a while. I haven't seen to many stories about Percy, and when I do, it's usually a Percy/Audrey romantic comedy, so this is somehting totally different.
I really enjoyed the whole concept of the magical shipping industry. You kind of took what we knew about magic trains and ran with it to come up with something new. And hallways on ships are called passageways if you were really curious.
You seem to have Percy's personality down. Although he's matured, I could still sense a bit of self-importance. And carrying a briefcase around fits his character perfectly.
Great start so far!Author's Response: Likewise! I've never participated in a swap before. :P
This story is actually due a significant re-vamp. I've written a chapter that will be inserted before this one, and I still haven't decided if I need a second one in between.
I'm pleased you think this is original. I don't see a lot of stories about older characters (Percy is meant to be 62 in this story), and yes, there's plenty of romance around! I don't have a big interest in writing it, though.
Passageways! Thank you! I know nothing about ships, my experience with them consisting of two half-hour touristy trips on a dolphin-watching boat when we visited the beach. I keep avoiding questions of safety procedures, terminology, and basic protocol when I should really try to read up on it.
Hehe, Percy is great fun to write. I don't like when people make him out to be a total jerk, because there's more to him than that, but it doesn't take huge effort to slip in some of that self-importance . . . and it's something readers recognize easily. Report Review
Okay. I don't like Mustafa, and I have a feeling that Pansy Sihirbaz will be important.
And my feelings are always right.
Unless they're wrong.
I also don't like the captain. a) he has a goatee and b) who has chairs like that? he must be dodgy.
OOHHH! Your summary has made me expect so much action and you're dragging it out... PLEASE UPDATE THIS IS AWESOME.
(when I say I dislike your characters, I mean they're so well-written they're real to me and on a personal level I don't like them)
Great :DAuthor's Response: Hm, I'm keeping my lips sealed regarding Mustafa! He might just be a bumbling, silly character, but I won't say for sure. You are, of course, correct that Pansy Sihirbaz will be important.
The captain is dodgy. :P The goatee has nothing to do with it, other than that he seemed like a goatee sort of man, but the chair definitely was supposed to show a bit of his personality, how he likes to be powerful and in control, but not in a really honest way.
I haven't written the action bits yet, but since I recently signed up for a challenge where I said I'd write a fresh chapter, I have finally begun making edits on this story. I'm a huge writing procrastinator.
Again, thank you so much for the reviews! I really appreciate getting them, and it was such a pleasant surprise. :) Report Review
I love that Percy has a briefcase. Also, reminded me ever so much of that Mrs Bucket and RICH-AARRRD comedy thing (Keeping Up Appearances) where they went on the QEII. If you haven't seen it, you're missing out, it's hilarious.
I really like the Platform 9 3/4 thing with the container, and this line 'the barrier wasn't quite solid.' The way I read it in my head was amazing.
I'm glad Percy is off on a holiday! Shame about what's to come, eh? And you've killed off Audrey :(
Amazing. ONTO CHAPTER TWO!Author's Response: Haha, I have seen Keeping Up Appearances! The local PBS station shows British comedies every Sunday evening, and a friend of the family always watches them. Whenever I visit them, I see them too. I haven't seen the episode you're referring to, though.
As for the platform thing, I was really wondering how to make a wizard part of a regular Muggle port, but then I figured, why make it hard for myself? If they make a wizard part of a regular Muggle train station, they might employ a similar method at a port. It was something simple that I figured readers would understand easily. :)
Yes, I have killed off Audrey. :( But, in this story, Percy is 62 years old, so she didn't die super tragically young. I don't think I've mentioned the ages yet. I've actually written a chapter that goes before this one that I plan to edit in sometime, and it makes the ages/time more clear.
Thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
Another good chapter! I loved the introduction of the new characters and i'm excited to see where everything goes from here. I think your doing a great job with characterization of Percy, still very into his work but just needing a break from it as well. The story has flowed really well so far and has me interested to see more of where its going and how they end up together. I hope that you continue posting this story! Great Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Thank you especially for your remarks on Percy's characterization. He is one of my favorite characters--I just have a soft spot for him and always have, strange as that may seem to some people. I find him easy to picture in my mind, so I do always hope that translates to the page.
Thank you again for the reviews. :) I really wasn't expecting to see any. Report Review
So I'm finally getting around to reviewing all the stories for my business/pleasure challenge and I'm so sry about how long its taken me. onto the review!
First let me say that I loved the idea of the shipping container being a portal like the wall is for platform 9 and 3/4. I thought it was interesting and very plausable since we already know that its used to get to Hogwarts. Your characterization in this chapter was great as well and I'm really interested to see how you will get pansy involved! The chapter did a good job of setting the stage for the story and seemed to have many details well thought out such as licensing renewals and the way to get to the wizarding port. I thought this was a great first chapter and very interesting! Good Job!
~Slytherinchica08~Author's Response: Oh my gosh, I'm actually a bit embarassed that this is still up and potentially could be read! I do need to edit and post more of what I have written. I have some issues with the beginning.
Anyway. That said, I do appreciate the reviews! It's always nice to see unexpected reviews. :D
The shipping container seemed like the easy/obvious explanation. How do you hide a cruise ship? The same way you hide a train. Even though I have a tendency to come up with complicated ideas, it's usually better not to have to explain or use them, haha.
Again, thanks for reviewing! Report Review
I couldn't resist reading this! I was going to do it yesterday, but I'm lazy. and I was "ill", remember?
This story is simply AWESOME! Ok, normal review from now on... :D
You managed to include some of Percy's past in this, which was great, it kind of explained why he was there. Also, the way you managed to build up an impression of him was great. After putting his clothes away, he put his quills, inks and parchment into the drawer? That made me laugh.
The way that you wrote Mustafa's speech was great. A lot of the time, when people try to write speech like that, it doesn't work very well and ends up annoying me. BUT you managed to make it work in the story, which was great! :)
What happens next?!?!?! I've thought of so many ways which you might take this story whilst reading this chapter. As soon as I've left this awful review, I'm off to read the next chapter! :)
The ONLY thing that this story needs is to be edited. There are a few problems that are easy to fix and would just tighten the story up. :) But this is different to anything else that I've read, and I usually don't read Percy stories, so it's still awesome. :D
Scott :)Author's Response: Hey Scott, thanks for reviewing! And yes, you are certainly right that this needs editing. I'm normally more particular about editing, but during NaNo, that sort of thing tends to fall by the wayside. Also, despite having a general plotline in mind for a couple of years, I sort of decided on plot details at the very last minute (like on November 3rd), which presents its own difficulties.
I'm glad you were a bit amused by Percy. Mostly people think of the twins as the funny ones, and Ron gets great comedic lines too. However, I think you can use Percy to humorous effect as well, and not only by poking subtle fun at his fussiness.
I hadn't intended to make Mustafa sound like that, but I made a mistake while writing his first line, and it just seemed to fit, so I continued with it. I might have laid it on a bit thick at times, but I think it makes it easier to imagine his accent.
What happens next? Well, as implied by the summary, Percy discovers something that might get him into a little bit of trouble! I have two more chapters written. I just need to edit, post, and write more . . . Report Review
Good chapter. I like how you had a familiar face for Percy to find. Having been on a cruise ship, I was astonded to run into a former classmate on the cruise. So this is entirely plausable.
I like the pace of the story so far. Easy to read and follow.
Keep up the good work!Author's Response: The world really can be a small place! There is going to be more going on with Pansy, so Percy will encounter her again.
Again, thank you for reading and reviewing! Report Review
I like the concept here. I also like that you are using Percy as the main character. From what we know about him from the books, this type of assignment would fit his personality perfectly.
I look forward to reading more of this story.
Great start!Author's Response: I have to admit to a certain soft spot for Percy. I know he's not a particularly well-liked character, but despite how annoying he can be, I do like him. This inspecting and paper-pushing would be right up his alley.
Thank you so much for reviewing! :) Report Review
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