Reading Reviews for United Four
  
1 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Sheriff The story unfolds

18th November 2011:
Hi there. I think you've got an interesting premise as a starting point and it certainly gives you a position to explore House loyalties at Hogwarts, which is one of my favourite themes.

I'd suggest a couple of things - it seems like you've not proof-read as closely as you might have done ("Your right" rather than "You're right" and "Slytherian" instead fo "Slytherin"). Secondly, look at the paragraphs where you just use full stops as connectives. Like this one. Then this one. Before the next one. It makes things rather stilted and disrupts the flow. You can use other things to connect your clauses and extend the description.

I hope you'll continue with the idea.

Author's Response: Thank you so much. I do need to go back and edit a little, or maybe a lot. I'm really hooked on this idea and I hope you keep reading as I keep writing their story.

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