Wow. This is great. A world were there never was a Lord Voldemort. Great writing, Great plot. Everything is going for a success for this story's future. Report Review
Sorry for the delay, my computer crashed at quite an inconvenient moment- I'm here again now though :)
I think this is such a great idea, certainly something I never thought of writing. But I like it. :)
I think that you've worked out the teacher's character perfectly. It's hard for me to imagine Tom Riddle as that teacher, but I think that's something that'll grow on me. His dialogue etc. was generally good. :)
I think that, in places, this got a little tricky to read. Perhaps it was due to the formatting, or perhaps due to extra words and missing commas, but that's something that can be looked at and improved.
Also, I wasn't a huge fan of the way you used "Girl" and "Kid". That may be personal preference, but I found that quite tricky to grapple with.
You managed to include so much in this- the dark detector, the Map... you even managed to mention Dumbledore. I think that the contents of this were really excellent.
Sorry again for the wait Report Review
This is a very interesting story! It's definitely original! Though I must say, I was a little confused about Fleur; were you saying she'd been imperioused since the triwizard tournament?Author's Response: Hopefully this will clear things up a bit...Actually, that imperious back at the triwizard tournament was only to turn Fleur into a living horcrux. There inside Fleur, the horcrux lay dormant, until Barty 'activated' the horcrux in the last chapter.
-Hopefully that clears things up. Report Review
good story so far, can't wait to read more :)Author's Response: I'm putting each chapter up as soon as they get validated... so more is coming. :) Report Review
I really really like this story idea!! Very different and creative! TO make this better, you should add some more sentence variety, and I don't quite understand the point of view...it's in Tom's PoV but it seems a tad unclear at moments. I will enjoy reading this!
SaraAuthor's Response: Thank you for your comments! The POV becomes clearer as the story progresses. Thanks for reading! Report Review
Hi! You're tagged!
Well this is definitly different and original! I love how we, the readers, can feel the Professor's disdain toward the students and his job in general. I think you captured Tom Riddle's throught process really nicely. The little touches like thinking of students as "Kid", not caring to make a distinction between them is really fitting.
If there is one critic I could give about this chapter, I would have to say that it is a bit hard to read. The format of the story makes it feel very charged and heavy. I don't know how you could change it really because I understand the need to have it this way (because of the thoughts and dialogues) but I could suggest maybe having a double space line between a descriptive paragraph and a piece of dialogue. Eg :
Girl wasted no time at all, marching right up to the four in the front row. Potter looks blindsided as the rod starts spinning round and round in circles at the top.
“Professor… so what does this mean?” She was wide eyed, and excited, even as Potter seemed to be trying to hide under the desk. No not hide but….
“Accio!” He did not name it, but instead visualized what forbidden object must be in the bag. Very careful about that, since all the regulations about unlawful search and seizure…
Another parchment flew through the air, this time folded up. Snatching it in his free hand, Riddle saw to his confusion that it was blank. Without thinking, he put it into his robes to examine it further at a later date.
“Ten Points to Gryffindor! Excellent Evans, absolutely splendid. Sit down for now though.”
This is my personal opinion though and you can obviously choose not to make any change. Like I said, I understand why you chose this format, but the fact is that it is heavy to read, even though this is a rather short chapter.
I really liked the story though; the dialogues and the thoughts and feelings of Tom Riddle were very well done and seemed close to the canon character we all know and... dislike... :) Good job and keep it up!Author's Response: Yeah, I chose this format because it was originally written for NanoWrimo. Thank you very much for the comment about it being different/original. Means a lot to me. Report Review
Normally I don't read unfinished fics (I hate it when I get into one and it never gets finished), but this one caught my eye. I love the idea, and so far, it's been good. I look forward to reading more.Author's Response: This story is pretty much finished, (except for the last chapter)... so don't worry, this is one fic that definitely has a conclusion! I'm just posting up the chapters as soon as they get validated. Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection