This was a really pleasant vision of the events following the war. You don't often read the narrative coming from Neville's point of view, and it was refreshing. You did a good job of capturing the essence of the characters from the book and bringing them along a bit, into the post-war era.
I did notice a number of typos and grammatical errors along the way. Nothing too horrible, but you might want to take another read through it. I also found it hard to follow who was speaking in some places. The part in the middle where Neville was speaking to his parents and fading in and out of his recollection of his day was particularly confusing. I think you need something to set his memories apart from what's happening in real time.
Overall, I really like what you've done with Neville's character. The self-doubt that he's dealing with feels very in-character. Now that their world is no longer black-and-white, it's understandable that there would be a period of adjustment.
Nice opening chapter!Author's Response: Hello there!
I'll defintely go over it again, my chapters are not usually that long, so I might not have gone through it thorougly enough - which makes it all the more commendable that you laboured through it ;)
You have a point concerning the part where Neville's telling his parents about his day; and I'll keep that in mind.
Thank you so much for the review, it is really appreciated! xox Leo Report Review
First off, let me say that I love the fact that this story is going to be based mainly on Neville and Hannah. I have always felt that they are two characters that are most commonly over looked when it comes to fan fiction.
This story definitely fits the new beginning theme perfectly. I felt that the characterization of Neville and Hannah were both spot on. It was easy to see the courage that Neville had gained in his last year at Hogwarts and during the battle, but at the same time dealing with periods of self doubt. I really liked the banter and headlock between Ron and Seamus, it added a lightness that was needed at that moment.
There were times when the wording of some of the sentences had me confused.
"He was feeling uncomfortable under their gazes, even though he wondered." Wondered what? I wasn't sure exactly which thought this sentence was referring to.
"He was certainly used to the teasing, but not that someone defended him." - I thought the part after "but" was worded a bit strange maybe changing it to something like: but not someone defending him. would make more sense and sound better.
"He caught himself while Ron scowled at Seamus," What did he catch himself doing? Blushing? Self doubting? It is not that clear.
"One of the other wizards took the word" - I felt that sentence was strange.. took what word? Did you mean that he was taking over the interview?
When Neville asked to answer the last question, that threw me off because the Auror had only asked one question to begin with. So it seemed a bit strange to add the word "last".
The only other suggestion I have for this story, would be to break up some of the longer paragraphs.
Overall I really liked this chapter and can see a great story developing from here. Good job and I look forward to seeing what is to come next.Author's Response: Hey, thanks so much for the feedback ;)
I simply love Hannah/Neville, although as you said there aren't that many fics that center on them. So I wanted to give it a try. There's more, of course, which I still need to edit before I'll even think of posting it - clearly, I still missed some things in this chapter.
The strange wordings are due to the fact that English is not my first language, so it makes perfect sense to me, but it's not idiomatically correct. I'll go over it with your points in mind, and hopefully get it right the next time ;)
xox Leo Report Review
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