Hi! It's Rose Wilts from the forums here with your review.
Firstly, the concept of this story is wonderful. I wrote a fic with a similar theme a while ago now. I find it so unrealistic that James and Lily could have left Hogwarts, entered into the greatest wizarding war of all time, had a baby and felt no strain whatsoever on their relationship. So I'm so pleased you've chosen to take their relationship from this angle. I think you managed to portray it really well.
I don't often like songfics - I think that the lyrics disrupt the flow of the prose and as a person with a tiny mental capacity, that is really distracting for me haha. However, I actually found I thoroughly enjoyed this one. I don't think I've ever found a songfic where the lyrics have so perfectly suited the story. So props to you for tying it all in so well. I thought the way it was written, the lyrics could almost have been James's thoughts. Really well done!
In places I was torn. It sometimes seemed to me like you needed to decide what genre you wanted to write. Is it angst? Is it humour? I understand that it's James you're writing as, and obviously he's a humorous guy - but in a time such as this, you may find him rather less humourless. It's hard to say, really. This is an example of what I (very incoherently) am trying to say - "I don't think she's coming out this time. Nah, I wish... Okay, that was a joke. I would (probably) be very distraught if she never came out again." I think that the emotions and feeling your have there are all correct, but the words you have chosen to portray them are a little off, perhaps a little too casual? It's a hard call to make and I suppose it all depends on the way you wish to characterise your James. I know this is being so very nitpicky, and I apologise.
Also, I really loved this section. I think it was my favourite of the whole fic - "Harry doesn't make a sound, just slowly squeezes my finger tighter. He's been crying less and less as he nears his first birthday. It can't be natural. The silence of the house has permeated him-infected him." Beautiful writing!
Overall, I think you've done a really lovely job with this fic - you've got a nice writing style and have made an original take on an old relationship.Author's Response: Thanks for the review!! I obviously agree that their relationship would have had its ups and downs - especially considering how differing their personalities are - in that sitaution. And the song the lyrics are from is one of my favorite and I think it fits, so I'm glad you agree. This being my first songfic, I wanted the lyrics to flow with and add to the story, so it's good to hear that they do!
I know that James's voice was inconsistent (sometimes it was too casual, as you said, and sometimes more eloquent and wordy), so I don't think you're being too nitpicky - and don't apologize for constructive critism! :) I appreciate it!
Again, thanks so much! Your review definitely made me day :) Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection