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33 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Crescent Moon  Chapter 2

24th June 2012:
Okay, so I am an idiot. And partially blind I think if I missed out on the fact that there actually was a next chapter.
Mark's there?! How?! Was he home schooled or went to somewhere different? Poor Dominique.
I really can't wait to see what's going to happen next, please update as soon as you can. :D

Author's Response: Aha yep a lot of questions (i never answered because of my super long hiatus) hoping to possibly, maybe get back on this story at some point.

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Review #2, by Crescent Moon  Chapter 1

24th June 2012:
I love this.
Very different from most of the pregnant teen stories so it makes a nice change.
I can't wait to see where you take this, please update as soon as you can.

Author's Response: Thanks, happy you loved it, gives me a great boost of confidence :D

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Review #3, by KamberZ Chapter 2

11th June 2012:
No! I hate him!!! Poor Dom :(

Author's Response: I know :( Poor Dominique. You just want to hug her and protect her! x

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Review #4, by KamberZ Chapter 1

11th June 2012:
Oh no! Teenage pregnancy is bad enough, but to be raped on top of that :( I am really into your story!!! I can't wait for an update.

Author's Response: Im glad you were into my story, im sorry i disappointed to you my uploading of chapters :( x

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Review #5, by KamberZ Prologue

11th June 2012:
Great chapter I'm totally hooked!

Author's Response: Thank you, glad you liked it.

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Review #6, by SeverusSnape15 Chapter 2

19th April 2012:
OMG :O It's Mark! It's Mark! Oh my, you must upload soon! I must read more! This is very interesting, though I'm sort of irritated with Domi for not telling anyone about her pregnancy. Lord knows why I am, but it just seems...like she's so ashamed. Poor hon. I can't wait to read more =) Your chapters are always short but good!

Author's Response: Ahaha glad you like it, and I will hopefully update soon, I know the chapters (this one in particular) are short, I cant help it xD I feel that if I write a really long chapter it will mainly be filled with ramblings and people will get bored, I will try to get a chapter to 3000! :D

Thankyou :) x


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Review #7, by ginerva_molly_weasley Chapter 2

13th April 2012:
This is an excellent next chapter to the story!

I love the way that you have gradually introduced her friends and tried to revert away from her little problem for the time being and this makes the whole storyline a lot less overpowering than say it would be if the main focus of every chapter was about her pregnancy.

I've decided I quite like Diana and I think she is actually going to a very good support for Dominique once they find out about her pregnancy.

I also like the part where you made Diana talk about who was going to be in each house and I especially like the fact that you didn't make them all be in Gryffindor as that is one of my pet peeves. I think that Louis is going to also be an amazing little brother!

Author's Response: Awww thankyou, you dont know how worried I was about this chapter. Thats one of the reasons I delayed it soo much, it could have gone 2 ways and I couldnt pick which one.

Glad you Like Di, the problem is trying to make sure she doesnt end up Mary-Sueish xD

Ahahah glad you liked that very random part of the story. And yeah I have always seen each Next Gen character in a mix of houses (Dominique I usually see in Claw but I put her in Gryff xD)

Thankyou :D
Glad to know this chapter wasn't a complete and utter fail! x


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Review #8, by potterfan310 Chapter 1

12th March 2012:
love it, hope the next chapters up soon xx
potterfan310 :)

Author's Response: Thankyou :) Glad you liked it!

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Review #9, by yorkgal Prologue

29th December 2011:
Hey, heres your requested review

First off, i almost cried!! You portrayed Dominiques emotions so strongly, its really overpowering to read- well done! I like how you didnt just put- Ah im pregnant. Or along the lines of the blatant obviousness, the fact that you waited until the end to fully acknowledge it again showed that your really intune with your characters and all thats going on in her head. Next I'd like to see background, maybe introduce the father and show how he's going to be, show how it happened, give Dominique an age, more defined personality etc. to help me further connect with the story. Over all, i can tell this is going to be amazing! Keep it up!

Yorkgal- definate 10/10!

Author's Response: Ah! Thankyouuu this review made my day (And I needed a boost, I hate New Years! xD). I will be adding more detail as it gets more into the story at the moment I am focusing on how alienated Dom feels.
Bill (And Fleur) and going to be very important parts of this story but not until they find out :)

Thankyou so much and 10/10 Naw thankyou xxx


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Review #10, by Megan Chapter 1

22nd December 2011:
I thought this chapter was brilliant! I really want to see how she copes at Hogwarts being pregnant, update soon :)

Author's Response: Writing Chapter 3 as we speak, hopefully it will be out shortly after the queue re-opens. Thankyou x

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Review #11, by The Last Marauder Chapter 1

19th December 2011:
Oh yeah, I also meant to say in the last review that I loved how you included photos of the characters at the start of each chapter, I've never seen that done before, but it works! :)

If you're still worried about cliches, I wouldn't call Mark a "prince charming" because that is a cliche, but other than that I didn't notice any others!

The dream/memory sequence at the start was good, you really emphasised how young and naive Dominique was, how she gave into peer pressure and drank etc. Again, we really feel for Dominique here, what happened to her is not her fault and you show that well.

Again, I couldn't see any out of character moments, so in terms of characterisation you're still grand ;) Overall, the piece flows well, but I will say it again, you under use commas and a few more commas here and there would help, but that's just a little thing, over all it is great!

Here's a few typos I've spotted, again, nothing major:

"She had never been in a place like that before" I think it should be "Never been in a place like THIS before", "that" doesn't make much sense in this instance, I think "this" is the right word to use.

"The only thing that stopped her for running straight back home was Mark" - should be "the only thing that stopped her FROM running" just replace "for" with "from".

"He and she had talked many times" - should be "THEY had talked many times"

"bluish" I would go with "blueish" but that could just be because I'm Irish, and we spell things a little differently, not sure, but thought I would point it out just in case.

"as she looked to Mark" I would go with "she looked AT Mark", it makes more sense grammatically. Again with "He looked to her and then grabbed her wrist", I would saw "He looked AT her"

"She tried to push him away murmuring No into his mouth" - "No" should have quotation marks around it: She tried to push him away murmuring "No" into his mouth.

"the light of the room started clearing to show four figures standing over her bed looking panicked" The light of the room clearing doesn't make much sense, I'd go with "the room suddenly came into focus, showing four figures etc" or something like that. The light of the room doesn't make sense in this sentence.

"Dominique clambered into her bed chucking the covers over her head, she saw as the room went dark and quietness was back, all she could hear was steady breathing and the occasional exasperated sigh." - OK, this sentence doesn't make sense. I think it should be: "Dominique clambered into her bed and chucked the covers over her head. As the room went dark and quiet, all she could hear was steady breathing and the occasional exasperated sigh."

"She couldn't hold the pain, the fear in any longer." should be "she couldn't hold the pain AND the fear in any longer"

"the foetus position" should be "the foetal position"

Other than that it's grand, great job! :)

Author's Response: Again thankyou for your review, I will be going through the chapters and changing those typo's soon xD Some mistakes I made make me laugh.

The prince charming thing I put in to show how easily deluded Dominique could become :D (I am allowed some cliche's mainly I want to avoid pregnancy ones and Mary Sue-ish ones)

I'm happy you think I did a great job, it means a lot. Thankyou so much xx


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Review #12, by The Last Marauder Prologue

19th December 2011:
Hi there, I'm here with your requested review! I think I should point out from the start though that I haven't really read any pregnancy stories, but from what I could see there were no cliches in this. It isn't packed with platitudes and dreaded lines such as "she thought the world had come to an end" etc. So on the de-cliche front you're grand.

I really liked how you captured Dominique's sense of disbelief , panic and dispair here, and how the situation is overwhelming her. You really make the reader feel for Dominique here, by building up how she was the good girl, the girl that such an event could never happen to. She really is at a loss as to what to do and you capture that perfectly. I also liked how you showed all the other characters as distant. We don't get any descriptions of what the others look like, instead you focus on Dominique completely and it works, showing her isolation from the world around her and how she now feels cut off from anyone.

I thought your characterisation was fine, there were no out of character moments that I can see. So well done on that front.

Overall, I thought your grammar was fine, but I do think you tend to under-use commas, just thought I would mention that, a few more commas here and there wouldn't go a miss.

Also, here's just a few typos I spotted, nothing major:

"As she walked out of the bathroom, Rose was leant against the wall smiling brightly." - should be Rose "leant" against the wall, just drop the "was" :)

"Molly was rushing around the kitchen plating up food" - I don't think "plating" is right here, I'd go with "dishing out food", plating doesn't make much sense...

"Dominique could see Fleur sat eyeing the food" - I think it should be: "Dominique should see THAT Fleur", the "that" is missing.

Also, it should be Mummy's girl, and Daddy's girl, you don't want to use the plural (Mummies and Daddies) here, you want the possessive 's

"Dominique walked into the bedroom and saw Rose, Lily, Lucy and Roxanne all sat in a circle" - need to say "and saw THAT Rose, Lily etc" you need to insert a "that" there.

Well, that's it! Eagerly awaiting chapter two, I wonder who the father is now... :)

Author's Response: Oh my this review is huge XD

Thankyou for this, I am glad you dont think its cliche, I always worry about that. AND YOU NOTICED! I wanted to keep description to a minimum in this chapter because I wanted to mainly focus on Dom, no one else really pointed that out.

Thankyou for pointing out the typo's that helps because I am rubbish at proof reading xD

Thankyou for this great review :D x


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Review #13, by A Ravenclaw whose identity shall remain a secret. Chapter 1

17th December 2011:
This was awesome! It was really well written, even though there were a few mistakes with grammar. For example - '...accept the organism growing inside her.' the accept should be except, and '“You look after your little brother now wont you”' there should be a comma after the 'you'.
Anyway, I loved this chapter, because you uncliched it even more, by Victoire thinking she was bulimic, instead of the usual 'a family member guesses straight away' type thing. And you put an interesting twist on the scene in the nightclub, something not usually seen in pregnancy fics.

So yeah I like it. A lot. SO PLEASE UPDATE SOON BECAUSE I REALLY WANT TO READ THE NEXT BIT. 9/10. =D

*wants to add to favourites but can't because that would ruin the SURPRISE*

Author's Response: Eek 9/10 yey :D Thankyou. The accept I have actually changed XD Its in the queue at the moment :D AND YOU NOTICED THE VICTOIRE THING, no one has really commented about that, someone said they found it funny xD but no one said anything about it being a part of the de-cliche.

Thankyou, this has made my birthday start well :D x


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Review #14, by Santa, of the secret variety. Prologue

17th December 2011:
This was great! It was a clear introductory chapter, in which Dominique was given great characterisation, and I really like how you have used Dom as the main character, because usually it's the more major next generation characters that are focused upon in fics. That sentence actually kind of made me sound like I know what I'm talking about. Wow. Anyway, you've really managed to make a cliched topic be uncliche (though I do love pregnancy stories like this xD), which is awesome because that was the point of the challenge, and it makes the story a whole lot better.
There were a couple of grammatical mistakes I saw (just the odd comma or two), but nothing major that detracted from the flow of the chapter. Overall, a great prolougue! =D
(I was going to write my name here with a little smiley face, but I didn't because then I realised that it would defeat the point of it being a secret Santa =P)

Author's Response: Haha I wish you had written your name XD

Aww thankyou for the gift, I love me some reviews :D I am glad you like it and think I am De-cliche'ing it. Thanks for the review...

NOW... who are you? xD hehe I'm intrigued :D


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Review #15, by EverDiggory Chapter 1

10th December 2011:
Only one complaint,you should have possibly added an internal conflict, or anxiety of getting out of the shower,from fear of a confrontation from Victoire. Otherwise,it's been a great job. You easily earned 9/10
Until the next review darling!

Author's Response: Ohh thats a good idea! Never thought of that, I am editing ch 2 right now so I will have to see about editing that in :) Thankyou again, hehe 9/10 is amazing (Truth I'm happy with a 6/10 so a 9 is like mind blowing XD) Thankyou xxx

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Review #16, by EverDiggory Prologue

10th December 2011:
Awh the devastation is so...true! I don't know why, but the way you wrote it was so absolutely manipulating! You spell bound your readers...excellent start! Cannot wait for the next chapter. There should have been a bit on the hustling and bustling of the family around her,but how she zoned out so much,she didn't notice because of her racing mind. Mind you,I'm just being overly picky. Like really picky were I sit here for ten minutes struggling to find some error. So I'm just pushing you farther then most. Well deserved 9.5/10

Author's Response: :') That just made my day! Thankyou so much for the review I seriously cant stop smiling. And yes someone else has also told me to add more detail into the dinner scene so I probably will soon. Thankyou so much this Eek Im just too happy to write anything! XD xx

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Review #17, by fauxthefox Chapter 1

30th November 2011:
Hi! This is fauxthefox, FINALLY getting around to reviewing all the entries! Thank you so much for submitting!

This was a really wonderful submission. There were a few technical things that were strange to me: Wouldn't Wizards have a more elegant device than Muggle-style pregnancy tests? And why was Dominique attracted to a Muggle boy? How did that attraction overpower the obvious differences between them?

There are also some spelling/grammar mistakes here and there (it should be "Floo Powder" instead of "flu powder," for example), but overall you've done a really good job with the format of the story.

The characters are also very good. Even in the first chapter, you got into Dominique's characterization, which was great!

Thanks again for submitting! The results should be up soon!

Faux

Author's Response: Thanks for the review. Yeah I thought about the whole pregnancy test thing but in the end I went muggle style because it was probably easier for her to get a muggle test without being noticed.
Oh and thanks about the Floo thing :D

Thankyou :) xx


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Review #18, by ginerva_molly_weasley Chapter 1

24th November 2011:
Aw I love this chapter :D

I can't wait til you upload the next one :P

GinevraMollyPotter

Author's Response: Awww thankyou :D
Hopefully the next one will be out in December! x


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Review #19, by Loony_Scorpy Chapter 1

23rd November 2011:
Tag!
I really liked this! So I read both chapters xD I really love how well you are steering away from the cliches, as Dom tends to often become a really predictable character :P I'm really looking forward to what happens next! And I actually thought it was funny that Victoire thought Dom was bulimic..sorry, I might have a weird sense of humour :D I also love the way you have written this :D

Author's Response: Yey, I am glad you decided to read both chapters *hugs* xD Haha you found that funny, you are funny for finding that funny... jk to be honest that was probably the lest sirius part of the story :P

Thankyou for the review xx


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Review #20, by Keira7794 Chapter 1

23rd November 2011:
Me again :D
I knew it! Haha, yep that was my guess from the last chapter/review :)
Really good so far :) Will be interesting to see how de-cliche you go with this :D
Keira :)

Author's Response: I thought you had guessed it because you pointed out it was M rated :D

Glad you are finding it interesting and I dont even know how de-cliche I am going to go with it xD

Thankyou xxx


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Review #21, by javct Chapter 1

23rd November 2011:
Back again!
There's a turn of events I didn't except. When the flashback first started I almost rolled my eyes because it was the typical girl-gets-drunk-and-makes-a-stupid-mistake but your wasn't. I feel really sorry for Dominique now! Poor girl!

You defiantly managed to de-cliche the story :) Once again, characterisation was really good and the flashback was brilliant as well. Your description was better in this chapter which made it easier to imagine and read :D I wonder what is going to happen when everyone finds out... hmm.

Really good story and I am defiantly going to be keeping track of this story for here on in because I am really curious to see how everything pans out ;)
Best of luck on the rest of your story :)
*Jaz

Author's Response: Haha this made me giggle with the whole 'rolled my eyes' line, I was actually going for the whole, make it seem cliche then BAYM... not so I am glad it worked :D

Yey, you are the best and this review has now made me a happy bunny (Ive been having a bad day -_-) Thankyouuu x


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Review #22, by javct Prologue

23rd November 2011:
javct45 from the forums, here with your review :)

I liked this story :) It's hard to image one of Fleur's children making a mistake because Fleur was so perfect but alas, Dominique did!

I'm not too good with grammar but, reading this, it seems really well written and I couldn't find any grammatical mistakes. The story is very easy to read and the plot, so far, has been good - one of the main reasons why i like it is because we don't know who the father is and, in most stories we find out in the first chapter.

One thing I suggest may be to be a tad more descriptive especially when you were describing what the dinner scene was like. It just makes the story just a bit easier to read and to imagine what the scene is really like, and in your case, it shows just how 'out of it' Dominique is when everybody else is ecstatic and happy. Thats just my opinion anyway :)

The characterisation was really good :) I've never written a next generation story before but the characters are basically OCs so I can't comment on them much but I loved Fleur as a mother.

Onto the next chapter!!
*Jaz, 9/10

Author's Response: Awww thankyou (this is my first ever requested review and I am Happy) I agree, I will have to look over the dinner scene and make it more detailed! Thats a great idea :D
Yey someone commented on Fleur. She will be alot more important later in the story and I wanted to get her right so I'm glad you liked her!

Thankyou this review has boosted my mood
x


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Review #23, by Illuminate Prologue

23rd November 2011:
Hi! TAG!

This is a nice idea for a story! I know how pregnancy stories are cliche's (and I know this is for a de-cliche it challenge :D) but for some reasons there's something about them that I just love. It just seems like something that would happen once in a while.

I think you could use a beta to help a little with punctuation because I noticed a few missing commas and it didn't really help the flow and it made it all feel quite rushed and distracting. Just, in general, try to slow down a little :) Overall though, I liked this opening chapter and I like how you've centered your story around Dominique, because these kinds of stories are based around Lily or Rose, Victoire etc. Great job!

Author's Response: I like the pregnancy clishe's as well :D (I like most cliche's though xD). I did actually get a Beta today :D She is going to start this week so kinda freaky you said that :P

Got to love Dominique!
Thankyou x


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Review #24, by SeverusSnape15 Chapter 1

22nd November 2011:
Ah, it will be an interesting year, indeed. Haha. This chapter was okay, it was sort of boring, in all honesty, but that happens a lot of times in first chapters, at least in most books I've read. Good job, and I'm kind of confused...didn't it say that Scorpius was the baby's dad? Or is it Mark?

Author's Response: It never said anything about Scorpius xD I'm sorry you didnt find this chapter that interesting, I will try to make the next one better x

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Review #25, by Cassius Alcinder Prologue

22nd November 2011:
Review tag!

This was a very well written chapter, they were you captured dominique's emotions was superb. We could really feel all the stress she was under and the expectations she had to live up to and how everything was going out of whack.

If what you're going for here is to take a cliched idea and write a non-cliched story than I must say you have suceeded. This is definetely a far cry from the typical Draco and Hermione become head boy and girl, drink too much butterbeer and have a baby story. You did an excellent job of dealing with a sensitive issue in a realistic and believable way.

You're off to a solid start and the story has a lot of potential.

Author's Response: Yey a review :D Thankyou for the kind words. They mean alot! I am glad you think I got the whole de-cliche thing right, I was worried it was still quite cliche'd. And I'm glad you think this has potential. Its my favourite story out of everything of mine so its good to know people think its of a good standard.

Thankyou xx


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