I like this so far! One thing I particularly enjoyed was the progression of time.
Results will be up this afternoon!Author's Response: Thank you very much. I had hoped to be further along with the story, but I ran into NANO.
I appreciated the chance to do this, because it gave me a chance to do a bit of backstory, corresponding to my other ongoing project. Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!
I'm sorry for the delay; my queue piled up, and then I was busy all Halloween. If you decide to rerequest, I promise I'll get to you quicker in the future! :)
- You occasionally got a bit repetitive. In the first paragraph, you use "big" twice, and in the second, you reuse "part." That's not that big a deal, but you can probably find a synonym; I find that that makes the story flow better, at any rate.
- In the third paragraph, you say, "Mama and Papa had been invited, along with the family." This feels a bit awkward and unclear to me. Along with her mother's or father's family? Along with the children? If it's the latter, wouldn't the children being invited along with Mama and Papa make more sense?
- In the sixth paragraph of the second section, Narcissa says, "I like peacocks when can I see them." It should be, "I like peacocks. When can I see them?"
- While "Cissa" is a perfectly reasonable nickname for "Narcissa," we know from the sixth book that her sister Bellatrix called her "Cissy." Wouldn't that make more sense?
In general, I thought that your writing was quite age appropriate. Frequently, when I read people trying to write children, it doesn't really go very well, because the PoV sounds mature and adult-like. You avoided that trap here; the language wasn't overly simplistic, but it did feel consistent with a child's perspective. For example, "and she was very impressed by the grounds, which were huge, bigger than anything she could imagine, almost as big as a small town" - that description of what she's thinking and seeing is perfect for a five-year old. Even her strong reaction to Walburga and her sudden dislike for Lucius afterward - at first, I was thinking, "that's not realistic," but for small children, it actually is!
I found the relationships believable, but with the exception of Walburga, a bit shallow. I felt like you just didn't show us enough of her reaction to Lucius - did she like him? Did she dislike him, before Walburga came in? Was she apathetic? How did she feel about Andromeda? I wanted more about her reaction to people to match the great way you've described her reaction to places.
Other than that, the only problem I had was with a few brief facts that confused me. How could Narcissa tell that he was a year older than her? Just "about her age" would have worked just as well and made a bit more sense, imo - I'm not sure about you, but I can't tell five and six year olds apart. I was also confused about Andromeda going to join someone she knew with tutoring - tutoring where? Didn't you say that she was six?
Other than that, I think that this is a great start. The idea is really fun, and adds an interesting facet to the pureblood families' dynamic. I'm interested to see whether it's just Walburga, or everyone.
I can't post right now to say that I've filled your request without double posting, but if you'd like to rerequest, please feel free to do so. You don't have to wait. :)Author's Response: I will only say I think this was an outstanding, very perceptive review. You've given me a lot to think about -- whether I will be able to act on it as quickly as I'd like, with NANO in progress, I don't know. But I will surely review the chapter with an eye to your observations.
You apologize for a delay. Surely, you are kidding -- I thought this was extraordinarly fast. Thank you again. Report Review
Back again for Chapter 2!
This was a very enjoyable chapter. Once again, your depictions of pureblood society are excellent. Your descriptions were very effective at painting a picture of it.
I also enjoyed your insights into Lucius' personality. Since we only know him as a cruel death eater in the books its hard to picture what he would have been like at this age, but I think you captured it effectively. It's also totally believeable to see Bellatrix already being evil and crazy at a young age.
Great job so far!Author's Response: I probably write Lucius "softer" than many. I thought he had a character arc. As between himself and Narcissa, he was not the stronger. But I think, at the core, he was a flawed, but "whole" person who loved his family above all else and would have done anything for his wife and his son.
Bella, on the other hand, was a sadist who was probably a little psychopath from very early on. I can easily imagine her abusing the family House Elves (and the family covering it up) and torturing her sisters' pets, or killing peoples' animals. She would have blithely claimed that killing a peacock was no big thing -- she just wanted the feathers and didn't think to ask.
I've always imagined Lucius, even in his old age, being invested in his peacocks the way an aristocratic man might be invested in his foxhounds. (Although foxhounds are a whole lot more affectionate.)
Once again, thank you so much for you comments and for the time invested in reading and reviewing. I really appreciate it. Report Review
Cassius Alcinder here with your review!
I really enjoyed the look into pureblood society that you gave us here. You painted an accurate and enjoyable picture of their pretensions and prejudices. I have to say that the chracters seemed totally in character as well, particularly Walburga.
The chapter had a nice flow to it, and the dialougue was totally believeable. Nice job so far!Author's Response: First of all, thank you for your very kind and encouraging review.
As an aside: I grew up in Pasadena, and I loved to feed the peacocks that roamed the Los Angeles Arboretum in nearby Arcadia. They do have sharp beaks and ungentle pecks, but they are so beautiful it is worth enduring just to get them so close.
Thank you again. Report Review
The story plot looks really interesting, although I've never read a Lucius/Narcissa one before.
The dialogues are used in an effective manner and they were spread out.
The whole thing is really original, interesting and amazing. I gave you a 9 out of 10.
Ta-ta for now,
CloakAuror9Author's Response: Thank you so much. I appreciate the feedback and the kind words. Report Review
this story is so sweet :)Author's Response: Thank you so much. I appreciate the comment, which inspired me to go back and make some edits and revisions. Best regards, B_P Report Review
It's my first time reading Lucius/Narcissa cause I always thought they were just together and that's that. Well actually I never really thought about it all. But now that I read this first chapter, ONE chapter, and I just HAVE to know how they fell in love :D
Great writing and really good story (although I'm still on chapter 1 :PAuthor's Response: Thank you so much. I wrote this (and am writing the updates) rather quickly, for a challenge. (The Black Sisters Challenge.) This is intended to be the same universe, so to speak, as my Wizard's Sabbath stories; but I am able to play with different points of view.
I really appreciate the feedback. Thank you again. B_P. Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection