Ok Millz! I'm finally here, after a lonnng time. Sorry bout that! All the people's reactions when Slughorn, Harry, and Draco was kinda funny :P I chuckled a bit. Then when they had to leave cause it was 1 am... Early ending party. *cough* :P I enjoyed this Millz! :D
Mike.Author's Response: Thanks Mike! Early ending party? If you say so! Hehe. Glad you enjoyed it! Report Review
Nicely done! Would of loved to have been at that party just to see all those muggles faces!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Report Review
Oh, dear, dear, Milly, you know what I think of this story! It's bloody brilliant, stupidly awesome and fantasticly great! Jay/Jason and Slughorn still get me into a fit and it's officially canon! Or Head-canon anyway!
Omg, lazy review, and you requested it! So sorry I can't get it longer, Imma die laughing xDAuthor's Response: Thanks Kath! I'm glad you liked my story and thought it was funny! Report Review
Oh! I love this story, great job! I can see how it won 3rd place for the Halloween Competition! I like how you described the party and the characters. I definitely found your story humorous!
Thankyou for submitting your fantastic story for a review and sorry it took so long!
potterweasleygranger/hedwigs_themeAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review! It's okay that it was late! I'm glad you found it funny! Report Review
Hey! :) Sorry for your long overdue review!
I really liked this story! It was a lot of fun, and I am massively wistful of this situation xD I think you wrote Slughorn really well as drunk, it was really funny xD One thing I would correct you on is when Harry felt the tug on his navel when he Apparated, you feel that when you touch a Portkey, not when you Apparate :) Other than that, great job!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Oh yeah, that's right! You scrunch into a ball for apparating, right? I'll fix that! Report Review
I've spent the last few minutes scrolling up and down on this page, trying to work out what to say. I don't really know how to review this. It's difficult to know what I really should be reviewing, to be honest.
Firstly, you didn't specify any areas of concern which always makes my job hard. Whenever I get a request like that, I typically just go through the usual things like plot, characterisation, flow etc. and review that way.
This is difficult. I honestly don't know what to say.
First and foremost, I will commend you on writing a humour story. I have tried to do humour before and I know that it is tough to do. So in that respect, you should be happy with what you have here. Your characters were done well, particularly Slughorn. And some of the lines in this were quite funny. So you did well with the humour!
Having said that, it's really hard to talk about things like characterisation and plot because it is quite obvious that your characters here are out of character and that this was written for the challenge set by the staff of HPFF. Given the context for which it was written, it was done well. You placed well in the challenge and you did well in terms of the challenge guidelines.
However, I do think that if you want to make this a better piece of writing, you can pay more attention to the writing itself rather than the characters and the challenge, if you know what I mean? You do lack description in many parts and I think that having added description will add a lot to this. You also lacked a transition from the 'magic' part to the 'muggle' world. It is obvious what happened and it is not as though it is unclear in any way, but you could definitely have a few paragraphs about what, exactly, happened to Harry, Draco and Slughorn for them to end up at the party.
Don't get me wrong. This is a funny story and it did well in the challenge and I know that it is not intended to be anything more than a bit of fun for the challenge, but you can work on it and turn it into something really well written.
Joop.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'll try to make the story better? Report Review
Ahahahaha, I absolutely love this story! I read the unextended version of it on the HPFF forums, and the extended version is just as amazing, even with the name changes!
I love all the detail that you have put into this and the slurring speech from Slughorn is amazing. Sort of hard to get the general point of, which is exactly how it should be! I also love the entire premise of the story! Absolutely halarious and worth reading the extended version! Amazing!
~GrimmerzAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I'm so glad you enjoyed both of the versions! Report Review
Oh my, it's just too good to be true)
Harry and Draco, meet your fans! And a drunk Professor Slughorn! That's the story I'm definitely going to follow.
There were some minor punctuation issues in the chapter, but that's an easy fix. The important thing is, you have a great opening, and it has tons of potential. Good job!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! I had Giola beta the story, but I haven't gotten to editing it yet. I have another story in the queue, but I will get to it! Report Review
Hey! This was a cute little one-shot -- I can tell you had a lot of fun writing it, and it really showed! Everything was so funny, from all of Slughorn's drunken ramblings to the way all the people at the party reacted to Slughorn and Harry and Draco suddenly appearing there from out of nowhere. :D
One thing I did notice -- you did leave a mention of 'staffer' in there somewhere. :D I'm not sure if you meant to or not, and I do understand you converted this story after the contest, so it's not too big a deal. Just thought I'd mention it!
Great job with your story, Millarz! It's certainly not bad for your first, and you can only improve from here. :) I hope you're thinking about adding more stories to your page soon!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm in the process of writing two stories right now! I left "staffer" in there? Oh my... I'll fix that soon! I need to submit my other stories first! Report Review
This story was amazing! It made me laugh really hard at some parts!
The story was completely original - i mean, how often is that you come across story with a drunk professor, harry and draco AND a bunch of screaming fans all on Halloween? Not very often haha :)
I throughly enjoyed this story and I couldn't find any faults with it :D Congrats with 3rd place as well! :D
*Jaz 9/10Author's Response: Thank you so much for the nice review! :D Report Review
I'm here from the forums with your review!
This story was really funny, congrats on getting 3rd place!
I'd have to say Slughorn was the best part. The way you portrayed his drunk sluring and complete cluelessness was totally believeable.
The whole concept of Harry meeting his real life fans is an interesting and original one.Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I'm glad you think its original! Report Review
Hey there! LionsRule here from the forums with your requested review! ^_^
First of all, I really love the idea of this story. Itís very humorous and original. I love the plot, as it has just enough twists to make it very interesting. Also, I do like how you opened into the first scene. It immediately drew me in as soon as Harry accidentally Apparated with Slughorn, and it added to the suspense of the story. Iíve never seen anything like this story.
This story made me laugh quite a bit. Itís always tricky to write comedy fan fictions, but you did an excellent job with it. I really enjoyed reading this. You also got into the characters very well. You made sure each of them was true to their personality for the initial reactions, which made the story even more entertaining.
However, I did find some areas that could be improved. There are some areas where more commas and punctuation could be used. Theyíre very minor mistakes, so I think if you simply went over it you might be able to fix it. There were also a few run-on sentences, which were usually seen when you were setting the scenes or towards the beginnings of sections. You may just want to revise those so itís less confusing. I also spotted a few errors with capitalization. Since it can be tough to spot these on your own, I would suggest getting a beta, just to help clean up any errors you have. There are actually many one-shot betas available at the forums, so I would look into that.
You also might want to elaborate on how they are convinced to stay at the party and dance- I donít think Harry would simply give in as soon as Slughorn started dancing. I think Draco and Harry might need a bit more convincing to stay at the party, but thatís just my opinion. ^_^
Overall, I really loved this piece! I was funny, and you used great word choice. Congrats on a great story! ^_^ If you ever want a review from me again in the future with another story, feel free to re-request.
-JacquelineAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the detailed review! Someone is already in the process of beta-reading my story, but thanks for the suggestion! I do tend to write run on sentences, so I will go back and check for that too. I will also explain more why Harry and Draco stay so long. Thanks for pointing that out! Report Review
OHMIGOSH I LOVE DRACO TOO!
This was a great short which I have now read multiple times, glad that it won 3rd in the Halloween contest. Read it there too and the new beginning made it even more epic than it allready was.
Nothing to fault here, a great story I do say so myself
RavenclawAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! Reviews like these make me happy! :D Report Review
WO! I can tell why you came 3rd this was AMAZING, I loved it soo much!! I couldn't stop laughing because of Draco and of course Slughorn and his 'drunk talk'. Draco's fan club XD I'm a member of that club! Hehe I loved the storyline so much and the ending was great, if only that would actually happen I would be so happy :D I have to give this a 10/10 because it was WONDERFUL and I loved reading it! xAuthor's Response: Thank you thank you thank you! Your response left a smile on my face! I'm so glad you liked it! Report Review
ďOh look, Potter! It seems have a fan club even in the muggle world. Snape was so right about you,Ē Draco sniped.
AHAHAHAHA Best line in a fan fic ever!!!Author's Response: Thank you so much! That means a lot to me! Report Review
haha! I loved this; it's such an original idea!
Harry and Draco were very OOC but without that, the humour wouldn't have worked here. Slughorn was excellently done; just as i could imagine him!
Bit of advice; you don't need to have the beginning in bold! :) (and don't do it in italics either). If it was just normal text it would be easier to read, and improve the aesthetics of the story.
It was an amazing, light hearted read that had me grinning throughout.
LWG :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review! The edits are already in pending! Report Review
OMIGOSH! What an awesome and original story this is.
It's so cool how you made the characters 'match' with the staff, and lucky you 'altered' their name a bit for the ToS.
The plot is really great although it would have been much better if you added more description in but I guess you did pretty well for something so original.
Overall, your story was VERY VERY entertaining and hilarious and I think you deserve a 9/10 for that :)
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! I did add more details, and the edits are pending! Report Review
This was really enjoyable. Slughorn was simply hilarious. I can definitely imagine him talking and behaving like that when drunk. :P So, that is one part you captured really well. Harry and Draco, likewise, were characterised really well. On the whole, I couldn't stop grinning while reading this and this was a most enjoyable read. :D
You said you'd edited out the staff names? But I think I saw timeturner a couple of times in the beginning. ;)
The ending was really good as well. I wish this was longer, though, especially the scene at the party. Even so, I loved it, and congrats on the third prize! :)Author's Response: Yeah... Someone else told me I missed timeturner's name. I have that edit and many others waiting to be validated. Thanks for the review! Report Review
This story had me in hysterical fits of laughter.
Its so funny the idea of Slughorn apparating into a muggle party when he's drunk because its actually very believable
Well done on winning 3rd place :D
GinevraMollyPotterAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for your compliments! I'm so glad I made you laugh :D That mean's I succeeded. Yes! Report Review
Hi! Dun dun dun dun! Iím here for your review! Yahhh!
Okay, first things, i really loved some of the moments in here and your characterisation was good. I definitely can imagine Slughorn doing a chicken dance while drunk. Also I liked how you made Draco act, he seemed realistic, with his antagonism and general bad attitude toward Harry. I loved how he reacted to his own fan club, he just needs a bit of love and he turns into a teddy bear.
I think you definitely should have the bolded part; it gives the rest of it a little more context so that we know how they ended up in the muggle party. I would even go as far to say to extend that bit a little more because I have no idea why they were at Slughornís house to begin with, it seems a bit random. I'd also suggest un-bolding it so that it seems to blend in with the rest of the story.
I know you said you changed the names in there but I noticed timeturner floating around near the beginning. So you probably should go in and edit that out. :D
Also, I think you need to work on your description, especially with the party. I really had no clear idea of what was really going on and what the part really looked like. Maybe try to incorporate more of the senses so that the reader can feel, smell, and touch the part? Also, even though Sluggie was drunk would he not be interested in some of these muggle items? Like the speaker? And wouldnít they all be worried about being exposed? Even with Jason's mournful 'oh please donít Harry Potter', I donít know if that would have convinced them. I can also imagine Draco feeling a lot more out of place, and more or less get pulled into dancing rather than grudgingly follow. I liked how you had him look awkward with his formal dancing though. It gave a nice image of having this really prime bloke trying to dance with some crazy fan. It was also a really good characterization of him, so good job.
You have some nice one liners here, the part with Slughorn batting away someoneís hand really made me giggle and the end line was brilliant! So simple, but it was perfect.
The ending seemed a bit abrupt and since there is no word count limit here I'd probably try to extend it a little more, should not the fans be a little (okay, a lot) sad to see them go? I'd think there would be a bit a commotion over their disappearance as well.
Overall though, your story is a giggle and I couldn't help but imagine staffers playing their role in it. You have a nice way at writing humour. :D Thank you for requesting me and I hope I was helpful!Author's Response: Thanks so much for the detailed review! I left timeturner in there? Oops! I have to go find it, then. Sigh, I better finally get to editing this this. Me and my laziness... I'm finally going to edit it today! I'll make sure to add a bit more to the descriptions as well. Thanks again! Report Review
Ahahah, that was really a lovely and extremely fun story! I actually read first the hpff version (loved it too) but I definitely don't regret reading this one too, I chuckled throughout the whole of it! (many congrats btw)
There are really many entertaining moments in this, I don't think I can quote them all. Definitely loved drunk Sluggie (it's how I imagine him xD ) and the chicken dancing! I can also totally imagine Draco dancing awkwardly (with possibly) a whole bunch of adoring fangirls around him. It's quite good that Kayla stocked on photos at the end, so that they could have definite proof of this quite surrealistic party. xD
Well... I really enjoyed this one-shot! And I'll probably have the vision of chicken-dancing Sluggy for weeks in my head now. xD It seems that you have a real knack for humour going on, so continue writing fun stories!
~MayaAuthor's Response: Thanks a lot! The complements means a lot to me! Yes, chicken dancing Sluggie is hard to get out of your head :3 hehehe. That means I did my job :D Report Review
Hey, this is apocalypse, here with your review!
Okay, starting with the start, the bold part should be there. You were right to put it there as its explains the situation that comes later. If it had not been there then I would've been completely lost. I liked it =)
Moving on, I would have liked to see more description of the Muggle party. All you said told was the characters the people were dressed as and the decorations, which also were not enough. There should have been more description. I mean, I did not get the feeling that it was OUR party, you know? It wasn't a party that I, as a muggle and a party person, would go to. There wasn't anything there that would make it attractive.
Moreover, the transition from the wizard party to the muggle party was barely there. I mean, there should have been a significant amount of words to describe the difference between the two places, which wasn't there..
About the reactions of the people on both sides: Don't you think that Harry and Malfoy, who were much less drunk than Slughorn, should have been worried about the fact that they had just apparated into a muggle party. What about the danger of exposure? The muggles' reactions was not as described as it should have been, if you know what I mean. If I may give some advice? The best way to write scenes like these is to imagine yourself in the situation your character is currently in. I assure you, your writing would suddenly change. You'll find that you're having wayy more fun in typing =P and that you story is taking the exact shape you want it to take =D
The characterisation was good. Their conversation was extremely fun and I really liked how you made Malfoy act. It was just like the original one =) So good job with that =)
I liked the part where the characters started dancing with the muggles. It made them sound normal and nice =P
Moving towards the end, I have to say that end was kind of abrupt. They looked at the time and then had suddenly disappeared? Just like that? I mean there should have more fun and activity at the time of their exit, just like there had been at the time of their entry.
The ending line was the best part =D I liked how she showed him the camera and said only two words that had more meaning than usual. Simple, yet really brilliant =D
Overall, you idea was excellent! I know that the names you actually used aren't used here, but i can imagine which one was which =P really good job with that! I had fun reading it and yep, it definitely was funny. Your choice of characters from the wizarding world was unique and I would never have imagined them three together. It was a good trio =D
Good job! You deserved winning! Congratulations! =D And goodluck for the future and happy writing! =)Author's Response: Thank you very much for the detailed response! You're right, I should add more details to the story, now that there's no limit to the word count. Bah! I'm so lazy @.@ And yes, you should be able to tell who at least 1 person is ;P Thanks for everything! Report Review
Hi, this is Livi, here with your review battle review!
This is a really good, well written and humourous story. I can see why it came third in the competition. I really like your type of humour, it's not too forced, it's quite natural, and is the kind that actually makes me smile!
I do think you might need to get a beta to go over this for you for typos and spelling mistakes though, I think that could help you a lot, it can be quite off putting to have to read a story full of typos (yours isn't too bad at all, there's just a few here and there that need correcting. The bold part doesn't need to be bold in my opinion, it will look better and won't confuse a reader who doesn't know much about the competition. I really enjoyed reading it, you got Slughorn and Harry really well. I think Draco is a tiny bit OOC, just a teny bit, he's not quite cold hearted enough!
Otherwise, I think you've written a really good story, well done!Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Yeah, I'm having someone beta this now. The beta just needs to get back to me. I'm glad I made you smile :D Report Review
Hello, here for the review battle.
This was such a funny little number. I would love Harry and Draco to just randomly drop into a party of mine. I think you do need the bold section to make the rest of the story make, but it doesn't have to be bolded.
I found it the story a tad hard to follow at times, but I think that's because they were suddenly in our world with HP fans, but once I got that sorted out, it all made sense.
I commend you on the drunk writing. It was really well done. There are a few spelling and grammar errors throughout the story so you may want to get a beta to sort it out.
Well done on getting 3rd in the challenge. This is quite a unique idea and I enjoyed reading it.Author's Response: Thanks for the review, even if you are a bronze ;P (hehehe just kidding. I love your review and may the best color win!). Yes, I have to un-bold that section. I haven't gotten to doing that yet! I'm such a procrastinator! Good idea with getting a beta. As basic as that is, I never thought of that. Again, thanks! Report Review
Howdy hun, thought I'd stop by and return the favour for the BvB battle :)
Took me a little while to understand this one, but when I realised it was written for the Halloween comp, I assumed those people were staffers or characterisations of staffers and it made a bit more sense lol.
I think you need the bold part to make the rest of it make sense, so dont remove it... Maybe remove the "bold" part and make it normal text, but dont actually remove the section itself lol.
There were a few minor spelling mistakes here but I will get out the ruler and wrap you over the knuckles on one little thing... *crack*... it's a lazy way of writing description. I'm sure you know this too, I'd strongly suggest editing that section and remove the *crack* and write it as a part of a description, rather than opting for the lazy way of writing description...
I thought it was quirky, loved that Draco got jealous of Harry only to realise that, in the world of HPFF, he's probably the more popular one lol. and Slughorn, whilst his slurring was sometimes a bit hard to understand, was a treasure. Only advice I could give is maybe a quick beta read to fix up the spelling mistakes, and please fix up the *crack* :S; adding more descripting to encorporate the five senses a bit more (sight, smell, sound, taste and touch) is up to you though.
Cute and quirky, made me smile :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review! I will fix that *crack* and un-bold that section soon! Ah! Don't hurt me with that ruler! I barely got my story under the 1,000 word limit! Yes, I suppose I should fill the story out more, now though, so I shouldn't be using that excuse anymore :P Report Review
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