Same here. If you're trying to write a mystery, i suggest you read some of the other mystery fan fictions for insperation. Report Review
You are a huge harry potter fan, judging by the fact you knew who married into the weasleys, and which onr she married. Like i said before, please post your pottermore name or add me as a friend. My username is HollyBlood21555, ravenclaw. Report Review
You go on pottermore too! I'm HollyBlood21555 and i would love to add you as a friend! P.S im in Ravenclaw. Also, i love the originality, not many people would think of McGonagals past. Also you have some pretty awesome readers. Someone recememded this on a whole bunch of forums. HARRY POTTER FOREVER! Report Review
First of all, I'd like to say that I'm hooked. Your writing and plot is so lovely in this that I want to keep reading, not because you requested reviews, but because I like the story enough to want to go on. So after I'm done typing this review, this story is going on my favorites list and I'll be back to read the rest of the chapters soon! ^_^
Firstly, I have to commend you for writing the Sorting Hat's song! That was certainly an accomplishment :D I've tried it several times myself, and I've never been able to write anything even half as good as what you wrote, so a job well done on that! Minerva's sorting was really good as well. That one line the Sorting Hat said about always choosing you House-that was amazing. It sounded like something JK Rowling would have written in the actual books. And the way the Hat decided, too, that was great. I like how conflicted it was over her sorting.
I also love how you're writing Tom. As a writer of a Tom fic myself, I know how hard it can be to balance the...evilness with the general school-boy, but I think you acheived a really good balance. His personality was perfect. He was really polite, and you could definitely see him attempting to be interested in Minerva's life, but still not really being into it.
The one critique I have of that section is that Minerva seemed a bit too suspicious to me. Tom Riddle charmed the entire school. I don't think it's unlikely that she could have had a bad feeling, or been a bit suspicious, but I felt like she was almost clairvoyant. I don't know, maybe just tone down the feelings of suspicion a bit? Or have her lose a bit of the feeling in later chapters?
Other than that, this was great. I'm sooo curious about those flames at the end of the chapter, and I can't wait to see what happens next! Great job and I shall be back!
-Naida Report Review
Wait wait wait, this is your /first/ fanfiction?! That's incredible! This story is really, really good. Wow. That's a real acheivement.
Okay, so about mirroring the shopping, I actually really liked the way you did this. You had enough of the same elements as Harry that it seemed like she was an excited first year going shopping, but you added plenty of new and original things into the mix. For one, I loved Ollivander. I cringed for a second when she walked into the shop and Ollivander called her Muggle-born, because that doesn't really seem to be the kind of thing the older version of himself would do, but as soon as he started giving her wands, I knew that you portrayed him perfectly. I like how conflicted he was, and I loved the part where he gave her his own wand to try. And again, I was worried for a second when he frowned at the wand the worked, but your reasoning was spot on. Minerva is a very powerful witch; it's very likely that this would have been her wand. So I think you had the perfect balance of mirroring Harry's own experience and making it your own.
Next, about Minerva's character itself. I'm quite honestly blown away. You write her perfectly. I love the way she reacted to meeting wizards for the first time, and also the way she reacted to blood status. It was just so...Minerva. I can see how this young girl grows up to be such a powerful witch.
Isobel came as a shock to me, actually. Since I have read all the information on Pottemore, I was glad that you were sticking to her story, but Isobel's character was so original, so different than what I pictured, that I was a bit taken aback. Now, not to say that I didn't like her character, because to be honest, I loved the way you wrote her. I love how she was so tense about being back in the magical world, and her reaction when Minerva was called a Muggle born was perfect. I can see a bit of Minerva in her, but not so much that Minerva should be exactly like her, so I really like that as well.
I'm honestly trying to find something to critique in this story. You've written it all so well. Hmmm...well, the one thing I do think you can work on is your grammar. Do you have a beta? You don't have any huge problems, but there are a few minor issues with the way words are spelled and misplaced commas that could be cleared up. A few things I caught by just scanning through:
-"No not at all... it's a fine wand." There should be a comma after no.
-"The shop smelled of must and dust and boxed of wands were stacked to the ceiling haphazardly." I think you mean boxes, not boxed.
And you use "alright" a couple times. This is a really common mistake, but it should actually be "all right" ;)
Really though, you've done an excellent job with this so far. And I can't wait to see what Tom is like!
-Naida Report Review
Hi there...You requested a review from me almost two months back, and I feel like a horrible person for ignoring it for so long. I had no motivation to review, and I didn't want to leave you a half-hearted review, so I just left it. I'm really, really sorry for not getting to your review in a timely manner, but I am here now!
The first paragraph of this gripped me instantly. I really loved the imagery you had in that entire first section, actually. It gave a great sense of foreboding to the story and I'm super excited to see how Grindelwald plays into this. I've never actually read a story focusing on him, so that in itself makes this story really original to me.
As for the characters, I can't really say much yet, but I do think the Minerva is characterized well so far. She has a sense of wonder about her, but she still is that calm woman we know from canon. Her reaction to the letter, I thought, was spot on. She's not the kind to jump and cheer, but that quiet wishfulness was perfect.
And again, I can't say much with mirroring the plot, but I'm sure I'll be able to comment on that in the next chapters! You have a great start to this, and I apologize again for taking so long!
-Naida Report Review
Yay, another update to one of my favorite ongoing fics.
This chapter continued to bring the story along nicely, I thought. It's good to have a naysayer voice like Quince in the story to help slow Minerva down a bit. I also like the way you continue to dribble out bits of information on Alphard and Tom Riddle. The central conflict seems to be playing out at a good pace.
I only noticed two small grammatical things:
"Looks like there was a fire near there den a few weeks ago," - should be "their"
"Oh! And I heard Ogg something about Tom Riddle too." - "...heard Ogg say something..."?
Overall, another great chapter. I will eagerly await the end of November to read more!Author's Response: Glad you liked it! I'll be sure to fix those errors.
I'm not sure when next I'll have a chapter done... but we'll see :) Report Review
And I'm back again.
This was a really good chapter. Though I have to say that it didn't have as much story as the previous one's did. It was long, yes, but less story matter compared to the others.
Your Dumbledore is great! He's the same Dumbledore from the books and I was glad to see that you pulled it off really well =)
The Quidditch lesson was a really good idea. It's nice to see that the Minerva McGonagall we know had a life. I like to imagine it like that and your story helps. I really like your characterization of everyone, especially Minerva herself. She's the timid girl who doesn't know anything and is finding out slowly. Indicates how successful she'll be =)
The Slytherins are an important part of the story and Hogwarts: agreed. However, I don't understand why Minerva's so fascinated with ONLY them. If she's new at everything she should be intrigued by the Ravenclaws and the Hufflepuffs too.
Alphard sounds like the character who would influence Tom Riddle to become Voldemort. I hope his characterization is really good idea as I like my evil wizards =) But, one point. How in the world can a first-year commit murders of two fully grown adults without getting caught? I know that you'll probably explain this in the next chapter, but I just though I should mention it so that you remember that this detail needs to be mentioned =)
Hey! You don't have any more chapters validated! I wanted to read more right now! I'm hoping that you like my reviews and remember to re-request when the next chapter is validated. Though, this story is definitely going into my favourites =)
Thank you so much for requesting and I hope to read this story again soon! Good luck and Happy Writing! =DAuthor's Response: Yet again, thank you! I really enjoy your reviews.
I see what you're saying about the other houses and I'll try to bring them in a bit more.
As for Alphard... well, I'm thoroughly enjoying writing his character, so I hope you will enjoy reading it! And I don't want to give anything away, but let's just say there's a lot going on there yet to be revealed!
I'm working on a few more chapters, not sure when they'll be up, but I'll probably re-request for reviews when I get one up, because you've definitely been very helpful! I know I haven't responded individually to every point you've made, but all your comments have been good and helped me think about what to work on as I continue writing. Thank you so much! Report Review
Hey, this apocalypse, back with another review!
Firstly, Tom Riddle! You actually did a really good job on him! The conversation with Minerva already proved that he had bullying and leadership qualities as he did not allow her to question him as much as he did her. It was written very well and I was happy to see that the first-year Tom Riddle had signs of being the same person we know he'll grow up to be =) a really really good job on that.
Secondly, the Gamekeeper, Ogg, is a really fascinating character. There wasn't much to it yet, but it still was good as it was different from Hagrid and thus much more intriguing.
Thirdly, you only described how she saw the castle. There wasn't much on what she actually felt about being there. I know she was excited but that's pretty much there was to it. I hope you know what I mean =)
Fourthly, the song that the sorting hat sang; did you write that? I don't remember it being in any of the books. Or was it there? Anyway, if it wasn't, it was really very well written and extremely fun to read =) Rhymed just like poems do..
Fifthly, I really liked how the hat deliberated on her sorting. Shows how important and talented she is. I was really glad to see that. And the feelings that she has that helped the hat to finally decided were just.. terrific. Seriously, really good job there =D. On the other hand, Tom Riddle's sorting did not have as much as I'd hoped. I know it's an established point that he must have been sorted instantly, but there still seemed something missing to it, you know? Like you could have mentioned what the expression on his face when he got sorted.. Did it show exhilaration? Disappointed? Anything?
Moving on, Minerva's fellow students are really nice. She did not expect them to be so.. normal and here they are behaving so normal that she feels out of place. It was a really well though out and scene and the fact that she suddenly felt more confident about herself made it even better.
Last, but not the least, the ending. It was brilliant! It gave me the chills that I know you intended people to feel! It really was awesome. Like something had happened but nothing had actually happened as nobody saw it happen. Really really good ending. Will keep me hooked now =)
I really hope that my reviews are helping you. This is a really good story and I hope to read more of it =)Author's Response: Wow, thanks! This is definitely helpful stuff!
Yes, I did write the sorting hat song, I wanted to have one in there, and since they're supposedly different every year I thought "well... guess it's my job to make one then!" but I'm really happy with how it turned out, so glad you liked it :)
I've had a lot of feedback about the Riddle sorting scene not being quite right, so I think I'll definitely go back at some point and re-do that, not sure exactly how, but it's clear there's something missing. So thanks for your thoughts on that.
I'm really glad you're enjoy it! Report Review
Hey this is apocalypse, here with your review!
Firstly, I know I took really long to come back and I'm really sorry for that. I'll try to be more quick from now on.
This was one of those chapters where you just go into the story and forget about your surroundings. I was totally engrossed and almost forgot that I had to be critical and have less fun =P
I did notice a few pointers that I have to mention. You had asked me if the dialogue was natural. In the first chapter it had been. Though in this chapter I have to say that it was not right. It wasn't wrong, IF your premise had been the 21st century. However, in 1938, I believe the dialogue was slightly more formal, don't you think so? It shouldn't have terms like "I figures" and "hey". But, this is my point of view and I don't know if others agree with me, so I'd also like to say here that you don't need to change much, just be careful that it's a wee bit more formal. I hope you know what I mean.
Over to the seen with Ollivander. (I'm assuming it's the same Ollivander who's in the first HP book?) Well.. It wasn't like I imagined it should have been. The Ollivander in the HP book had not been as enthusiastic, lively or conversational. He had been abrupt and hadn't talked when it wasn't required. On the other hand, I really liked how you have portrayed her to be so powerful that every wand wanted to be hers. I really liked that detail. Terrific job with that =)
Minerva's mother fascinates me. She has given her daughter a reason for abandoning magic but somehow, she didn't convince me. It seems like there's more to her character than just that and it intrigues me. I look forward to see if you do something more with her.
Okay, the ending. You've tweaked her age a bot haven't you? It's perfectly understandable seeing as how hardly any people pay attention to the years. I really want to know what will happen next.
Once again, nothing particularly humorous yet.
In general, it was a good chapter, but unlike the previous chapter, this one had nothing in it that reminded me that it was 1938 and not 2011.
I hope you find what I say helpful =) Do tell what you think about what I've said and if you need anything particular commented on in the next chapters.Author's Response: Hi, this is really helpful information, thank you!
I did sort of loose track of the 1938 theme, and I'm going to try to work on that in future chapters. It gets difficult once we get into the wizarding world and I don't really have any information on what their society was like all those years ago :(
As for the Ollivander scene, I'm not really sure why, but I just wanted to play around a bit with him being very different as a young adult, and somehow calming and becoming less animated over the years. There isn't really evidence for it in the book, so mostly it was just having a bit of fun on my part!
Also, I have tweaked her age, just thought it would be more exciting that way!
Again, thank you so much for your review, it's really helpful, especially the feedback on the setting and her mother, I'm going to work on those! :) Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!
First off, a few mechanical notes:
- You have a triple line break after the first paragraph. It's a minor thing, but it's easy to fix.
- In the first paragraph, you have a misplaced semi-colon. "Though Minerva was fairly confident no such place existed" is not a sentence on its own, so it should probably be a comma instead.
- In the fifth paragraph, the first sentence should have a comma after "hours," not a period.
Your characterization is brilliant. The only part that seemed a bit odd to me was when you talked about Minerva not showing "undue emotion" - the sentiment is fine, but the phrase seems a bit odd to describe an eleven-year old. However, her character is consistent, distinctive, believable, and engaging; the slight confusion, the fascination with the wizarding world, not quite understanding her mother... it all works really, really well.
You've done a great job with Isobel as well - her reactions make perfect sense to me, given her removal from the wizarding world for so long, and you have her toss out just enough that we do remember that she is a witch (saving the wand for last as good luck, muggle hatred, not taking a train to Hogwarts in her day), but really portray how uncomfortable she is with the world she left so long ago without making it seem like Minerva is noticing too much. I could also understand Isobel's motivation in leaving that world behind in the first place. It's a great job with a very complex character.
I also loved your description of Minerva's first time in Diagon Alley. It was similar to the book list - you melded what we know from the 90s and new shops perfectly, so that it felt vaguely recognizable and completely natural (if that makes sense). I especially loved the slogans (in particular the Dodo beaks). My only comment is that I might have broken up the second paragraph in the second section a bit, because it's a bit long, but other than that, it's pretty much perfect.
Along a similar vein, there seems to be more tension between wizards/witches and muggles than there was in Harry's time. That worked perfectly for me, especially when paired with Isobel's story. It also helps remind us that this is a very different time, and that societal structure is constantly changing.
I also liked what you did at Ollivander's. Showing us Ollivander as a young man and Isobel's comment about how he's nothing like his father helped to anchor the time period you're talking about, and Minerva's excitement about the wand and her wanting to impress Ollivander worked perfectly with her situation. My only difficulty was that I found Ollivander's reaction to Isobel's question to be a bit confusing - "Oh of course you are" what? Why didn't he explain why it was different? I would have liked a little more clarity there.
And, of course, I can't wait to see what you do with Tom Riddle.
This is an amazing job. I'm really loving it so far, and am definitely adding it to my favorites. If you want more CC, rerequest; otherwise, I'll find my way back here eventually. It's a terrific story. :)Author's Response: Thank you so much Beezie! I really appreciate the reviews and CC and hope you keep reading! :) Report Review
Hey, this apocalypse from the forums, here with your review!
Firstly, wow. This is one of those unique ideas I love to read. I never would've thought somebody would even think to write a FF on McGonagall. This really is good idea and I personally love stories that focus on secondary characters. SO, thank you for requesting =)
Yes, the dialogue is natural and the plot definitely engaging. The beginning was really interesting with those boys running in on the hill. I really like your premise, the meadow, the environment and the old house of the McGonagalls' all reminded me of old times and had that comfortable homey feeling, if you know what I mean =)
Nothing struck me as humorous as yet. It's all very serious though really interesting and intriguing and I'm looking forward to read more =)
I really liked how your have characterized young McGonagall. She's the young girl with a lot of dreams but no way of knowing of ever knowing if they would be fulfilled. It felt very nice to see her being happy at seeing the letter and imagining herself learning all about magic.
Also, her father's character was perfect. It's totally understandable why he walked away from the post office and why he is not as open to magic as the people in the later years are. He's and old fashioned man with old fashioned values and that was what impressed me a lot. So really good work on that too.
Minerva's mom, well what can I say, she's a typical mother. Wanting the best for her daughter and her sons. She was characterized perfectly, with the hesitation and then the happiness at he daughter's selection and then the reluctance to do magic because of her husband. Love id =)
The book list was my favorite part =) It actually shows how much you ave worked on this story =D Really really impressive and those book names and the author names all sounded really authentic =) Good job =)
Good job so far, by the way =) I can't wait to read and review on this story more. Though it may take me a few days to finish with your story. However, rest assured that I will definitely review all the four chapters you've requested =)Author's Response: Thanks for your review! All the detail is super helpful, I'm really grateful you took the time :)
I feel like I should have a longer response for such a long review, but all I can say is thanks so much, I'm glad that I was able to communicate the story well and that you enjoyed it.
I shall patiently await further reviews :) Report Review
Another terrific chapter. I love this story and I love your writing.
I noticed a few small things that you might want to take another look at:
"Corinne whispered as they gathered their books and head out of the Great Hall." - should be headed?
"Corinne in Marly were in the corner" - Corinne and Marly?
"So quickly did Minerva fall into a schedule of life at Hogwarts, that any worries she had about judgmental Slytherins or her mother's so called dangers of magic, were quickly pushed from her mind." - This sentence reads awkwardly, like maybe it should be two sentences.
"She was terrified they were going to open the door and finding her listening." - find her listening?
"You're messed up man, messed up." - This sounds kind of beatnicky for a story about early 20th century England.
All small things, of course. Please keep going. I'm enjoying this immensely.Author's Response: yikes, I'm getting lazy! Thanks for pointing out those errors, I'll make sure to edit them and proof-read a bit more closely in the future. Sometimes I just get so excited about posting that I forget to thoroughly check over things first.
Thanks for being my biggest fan so far! Your reviews are a great encouragement :) Report Review
I hope you get this all the time, but if you don't, let me just say that your writing is brilliant. Technically solid, engaging, nuanced... it's a joy to read.
Once again, it's hard for me to offer much in the way of criticism. I guess you could have traded a little of the listing of names from the sorting for a little more description of Tom Riddle's sorting, but that could also undercut your point as to how easy the hat found it to sort him. Maybe a little more on his interactions with his new housemates. This is all not-picky, though. I honestly wouldn't. Change a thing.
It's a shame more people aren't reviewing this!Author's Response: Thanks! It's so encouraging to get feedback like this.
I really hemmed and hawed over that Riddle sorting scene. I'm pretty sure it's canon that he was an instant Slytherin, but I really struggled with how to emphasize that! It's hard to focus on something that happens so fast.
Again, thank you so much for your reviews! Report Review
I really enjoyed this chapter. For your first fanfic you've done really well. I love the idea of little Minerva! It's a very interesting concept and I look forward to reading the rest.Author's Response: I'm so glad you liked it! I've always been fascinated with Minerva and what she grew up like, so I thought I'd just go ahead and write a fic about it.
Thanks so much for your review :) Report Review
Again, you made the story flowed really well. There were also lots of improvement made. You described the happenings really well. The characterization of the characters were really great, especially Ollivander and Tom Riddle.
I'm really glad you matched Tom Riddle and Minerv McGonagall's first year in the same time line, not many authors do this. So I'm excited how that turns out!
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Thanks again!
I'm glad you enjoyed it. I really appreciate the reviews (even though I asked for them, haha). Report Review
This is your first fanfic? 0.o
This is really really good considering its your first (and pretty darn good anyway!) and I'm really really impressed by it :)
This was definately a good introductory chaper - I liked the action starting and featuring Grindelwald in your story is something that not many people would have done, but really makes a great deal of sense.
Mostly the flow is really good although there was one word choice that I didn't really like... 'Abruptly' I just didn't felt like it fit, somehow... thats probably just me being weird because its late and stuff.
I thought you had a good balance of description and dialogue and you definately hooked me in - I have no idea whats going to happen, but I definately want to know. Your title helps with that too, by the way, its like such an intriguing title. I actually love it.
Feel free to request again! And sorry if this wasn't really constructive - its just a very good first chapter :)
-ACAuthor's Response: Thanks! I'm glad it hooked you, that's my main goal: to write something interesting!
I'll make sure to revisit my word choice to check and see if things flow. Thank you for pointing that out!
I'll probably re-request, but I hope you keep reading regardless :) Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!
First, a quick mechanical thing - the paragraph starting, "As if the situations was not" should say "As if the situation was not" and there should be a comma after "life."
Is this really your first fanfic? It's really quite good!
The way you introduce us to the family and to the premise of the story is smooth and flows naturally. Talking about Minerva's mother really pulled me into the story, and you transitioned effortlessly to the village gossip talking about the McGonagalls. You wove the reference to magic into the conversation beautifully, and then gave us the backstory when the reverend rushed out and I, for one, was quite intrigued.
I loved your booklist - which is a silly thing to love, in some ways, but the slight differences and the similarities just show such a great attention to detail, and I love that in a fic (and, of course, in an author). You tended to gave a great balance of details and flow - the story never felt like it was dragging, but it also felt distinctive. The only detail I wished you'd given us a bit more of was description, but it's certainly not necessary.
Your dialogue in the beginning was great. Later on, when Minerva is talking to her mother, it occasionally felt a little awkward - her mother especially seemed a little less natural when she spoke. However, that's a minor thing - I really just enjoyed this! Great job!Author's Response: Thank so much for reviewing! I greatly appreciate it, especially even the mechanical stuff, sometimes my eyes just glaze over the errors. :(
I've done some original creative writing before for fun, but never fan fiction, so I'm still adjusting the concept of working with someone else's characters.
The fact that you liked the booklist made me so happy! I spent quite a bit of time on it actually, trying to find out which books wouldn't have been published yet, and just changing a few because when does a school's booklist ever stay the same?
I'll work on the dialogue, and again, I really appreciate your review. If you have time, I hope you'll keep reading! :) Report Review
Hey, its me from the forums.
Okay, so great banner, btw!
So...I'd be first to spill that I wouldn't be reading this if you'd had not asked me to do so. The reason? I don't read McGonagall stuff...I've read a handful but that was all one-shots and short stories. BUT I certainly loved it!
Yes, it is interesting. It will be like a 'glimpse' of McGonagall's life. Although, I wished you could put more emotions into it not just liked 'she cried' or whatever. Because if you do the story will be SUPERB.
For a first fanfiction, I say you did pretty well. I'd give you an 8 out of 10.
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for reviewing! I see what you're saying about emotions though, I'll try to work on that some in future chapters. I might even go back and edit a bit when I have time. My goal is to really try and create a story that develops McGonagall's character to what we know from Harry's time. Report Review
That chapter was nicely done. I really felt the conflict in Minerva's mother, the shades of regret. The characterization of a young Ollivander worked really well for me. Once again, you've ended the chapter in a way that grabs the reader and makes them want to keep reading.
I always try to think of something I'd change or do differently when I review, but I honestly can't with this chapter. Your spelling and grammar are perfect. Your writing is technically solid. You handle dialog very well. Nothing sounds forced or unreasonable.
Very well done!Author's Response: In response to both your reviews:
I'm so glad it caught your eye, thanks for reading! I'm especially glad you liked Ollivander. It's so different from how he's portrayed later in life, but I found myself wondering if that's really how he'd always been. So I thought; fresh out of Hogwarts, new to wand making, not quite bored of the job yet... Anyway, it's good to know it was enjoyable :)
Thanks for the review, I hope you keep reading! Report Review
Hey, there. I saw the link to your story on the forums and the idea seemed very interesting.
This is a good first chapter. It reads well and your writing is technically flawless. I think it's a great setup for the rest of the story and it definitely makes me want to read more. I like the idea of Professor McGonagall being a half-blood.
Moving on to chapter 2... Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection