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5 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Indigo Seas He

24th June 2012:
Oh, well, hello there.

I was super worried when you said you were worried it was too "fancy pants," because I've totally -been there- and I know what it's like to feel verbose. That being said, I actually don't think it was too "fancy pants," or anything. I mean, sure, it was super pretty, and you're very eloquent. I think the main thing here is this: you have very thick, flowery language, but it's OK because it's so short. Does that make sense? If you had written a novel, the words would be -too- flowery, and I'd ask for you to tone it down. Within 700 words, however, I think it's fine. That was another one of your worries, wasn't it? I'd say either leave it flowery and short OR make it less flowery and longer. But I personally like the short and flowery.

It definitely wasn't "lame" in any sense of the word. I think you have a lot of really pretty lines in here, and I could tell that you were thinking when you were writing it all out. Either you write like a genius and you don't need to think about it, OR you take careful consideration of everything you're doing. I could feel your crafting, and it was marvelous.

Just a small bit of feedback, though: most of the time I couldn't sense that you were trying too hard to, you know, make something apparent that wasn't. That being said, though, the first line had just a little section in it that made me think, "Oh, I see what she's doing." For me, I would take out the "because like life" and just leave the first line without it. The life part makes it seem like you're trying to do a good job of symbolism and such, and you really don't need to because the line is really pretty without it.

I like your "fancy pants," personally. The dialogue breaks it all up and you've got some stunning writing in here. Yeah, maybe a little verbose for a novel, but you've wrapped it in a pretty package of 700 words, and I love it. :)

Marvelous.
xx Rin

Author's Response: Hello lovely!

Ahh, thank you so, so much for such a wonderful and detailed review. You probably have NO idea how much this has settled my jitters about this one-shot - really truly, thank you, because it means a trillion billion to have such wonderful feedback, especially from a writer as incred as you!

I know what you mean about the length kinda balancing it all out. When I wrote this many a month ago I remember I was feeling particularly good and well practised with my writing - I secretly think that at the time I was okay with it. I guess doubts creep in once you've left something for over half a year. Yeah, lets stick to flowery and short. I can always use this as a base of what flowery/short is for me and so I can avoid it when attempting.not-too-flowery/long, haha!

Teehee, I love that you're having to quote me in all my colloquial cringiness. "Lame". Oh, me. I think I define the word. Thank you though because you really have settled my fears. I think because I really did try hard on this one I worry that its something that rubs off really obviously on the reader. I think I will forever be striving to be a writer that makes everything sound so effortless and real.

I totally agree with that line. It kind of jams it all up a bit, doesn't it? It's like I'm trying to draw a poetic parallel that the reader can make alone. Thank you for your honesty - I think I will change that bit for sure, and maybe tweak one or two bits that upon reading back just don't sound natural.

Eee, thank you a million! Honestly, I don't think I can say enough how much of a compliment it is that you like my writing. You, among a handful of others at TGS, are the kind of writer I would LOVE to be like, so thank you honestly 100trillion million for your perfect review and helpful CC. Eeek! Thank you! :D :D I am grinning so much!

Thanks again,
Laura xxx


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Review #2, by Margaret He

10th March 2012:
This was a little portion of beautiful...

Author's Response: thank you so, so much! xx

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Review #3, by Ashling586 He

5th January 2012:
You have a way with descriptions. This was a sweet little one shot. I could really feel the pain that the character was feeling by the passing of her first love and even though I have no clue who the speaker is or who her love is, I still enjoyed it.
I was confused about the statement, "She looked lost and found." I am not sure how one can look lost and found.
I also had a problem with some run on sentences. Descriptions are great but sometime too many in one sentence, even if broken up by commas can be at bit too much to process.
For example:
A yellow twinkle from above, its elongated peaks jarring her eyes upwards, suddenly absorbed the sorrow in the sky, and as she stared at it, watched it grow, her heart expanded with it.

Not only it is a run on sentence, the wording seems weird and unnatural. I would suggest breaking this into two sentences like:
A yellow twinkle from above, its elongated peaks jarring her eyes upwards, absorbed the sorrow in the sky. As she stared at it, watching it grow, her heart expanded with it.

With a rumble, like a boulder across the floor, the clouds moved in and covered everything, and droplets were released from the sky, feathers from the wings of angels that watched over her.
This is another run on sentence, that could be changed to something like:
With a rumble, like a boulder across the floor, the clouds moved in covering everything. Droplets releasing from the sky, like feathers from the wings of angels, who watched over her.

And then, everything blurred, from haze unto haze, and she waded through the watery crowds to get to him, her feet like light, but he had been picked up, taken away, hidden, the moans of his father like a broken animal filling her mind.
Another run on sentence, which could be changed to something like:
Then everything blurred, from haze unto haze, as she waded through the watery crowds to reach him. Her feet like light, but then he had been picked up, taken away, hidden, while the moans of his father like a broken animal filled her mind.

Other than those few items, I felt the one shot as a whole was really beautifully felt. I also tend to be a very descriptive writer, but sometimes too much can be a bit overwhelming to the reader. I really enjoyed this and I hope you continue the good work.

Author's Response: Hello! Sorry it's taken me awfully long to respond to these. School has been so busy, but hooray it's finally over!

Your review is absolutely wonderful and so helpful. Thank you so much for your compliment! I think I go a bit too crazy on descriptions!

The speaker is actually Cho, coming to terms with Cedric's death. I wanted this whole oneshot to be steeped in emotion and loss, but still maintain flecks of hope within it. I experimented with using some Biblical imagery too, and was really proud of this one when finished. I do know what you mean about the long sentences. I do have an awful habit of rambling, however I purposefully tried to keep the sentences long and quite distracted in this, but I will have another look over this one and maybe cut out a few bits :)

Thank you so much for such a helpful and detailed review!

Laura xxx


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Review #4, by Ilisten2potterwatch He

23rd October 2011:
This is a breathtaking portrayal of Cho, tangledconstellations. You describe her emotions and surrounds beautifully, and it really absorbs the reader into the storm that has overwhelmed Cho. Thank you for posting, and I look forward to seeing many great things from you. :)

Author's Response: Thank you so much! I don't know what else to say. It means the world! I secretly love the Cho/Cedric story, even though in terms of canon it gets in the way of Harry/Cho. I think there was something special there. :) Thank you for such a lovely review xx

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Review #5, by inkismyworld He

21st October 2011:
I believe, as a fandom, many forget what a powerful impact Cedric had on Cho: thank you for reminding us- this was beautiful.

Author's Response: Thank you so much. This means tons! x

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