Wonderful. Simply stunning. This delightful chiller left me with goosebumps. Absolutely marvolous. :)Author's Response: Thank you! That's what I was going for ;) Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your requested review :)))
So, you said you were interested in revisiting and perhaps revising or retouching, so my review will focus on things I think you may want to look at in that capacity.
The second paragraph is confusing to me--it seems like it's told from that night itself, but the rest of the one-shot doesn't quite support it. I think I understand that you're doing something with tenses--like, it's in the moment and things that we think in the moment don't have to be true beyond that--but, for me, there's a self-awareness about the rest of the narration that's lacking here. I think you could either make the rest of the story as uncertain and, I don't know, large in tone...there's a tense called the gnomic present and I think that is what you're doing in that second paragraph, and it'd be nice to see it throughout the rest of the story. It's resonant and dark, which suits this fic ;)
Second. I thought that because Bella's fascination *cough* with Voldemort came up so often, we should see him personally in the story. I would love to see how Bella actually interacts with him since she obviously fantasizes about him; it would be really interesting to me if in reality, she was much less forward and she had all these angst feels and then, her weird love comes out in bursts of mY LORD and other things we've seen of her in canon. Basically, I think you could give interesting turmoil to someone who appears...well, only crazy. Because you've done a good job at making Bella into a person with needs and feelings and I think that her relationship with Voldemort himself is where you should really peel back the skin of this fic, so to speak. That puts a different twist on everything.
Overall, I hope you don't mind that I say I found this really disturbing but that your writing was very good ;) I hope that this review is something like what you were hoping for and that I was able to give you something(s) to think about!Author's Response: Ah, thank you for this. I will chew upon what you have said in adding the bits with Voldemort in there. I want to make sure that it fits within the disturbing time line that I've drawn out. I'm going to have to think about the tenses and such too.
This piece was intended to disturb people :P Bellatrix is just a very disturbing person that I can't help but make this story that way, you know how it goes with characters :) Report Review
Wow, this knocked me over! Beautiful work Char.
You know, it's a demented idea :) but I can actually see this happening... Of course Bellatrix would not be the one to raise a child. And leaving Lucius to explain it to Bellatrix -- totally in character, even though I always imagined Bellatrix & Narcissa to be close as sisters, Bellatrix is crazy after all.
I absolutely loved the Azkaban scene... gorgeously frightening.
One tiny tiny typo in the chapter title (Disintegration) otherwise it is perfectly put together. 10/10!Author's Response: Thanks! I'm glad that the story was somewhat plausible. Bella would be one to leave someone in the dust in her pursuit for power, even with her own sister though there was evidence of a little closeness in the books (ish).
Gar! I keep meaning to fix that typo and forgetting...thanks :)
xChar Report Review
Wow, this story is certainly really creepy. It adds a whole new layer to Bellatrix's twisted personality. Creepy, creepy stuff.
Anyways, it's an interesting idea to imagine Draco as Bellatrix's son. The way you wrote it seems plausible, especially because of your characterization of Bellatrix. She doesn't want the child, and later on, she despises her son.
The last line is particularly apt, and probably my favorite in this story.Author's Response: Thank you. I did want to bring out the "creep" in Bellatrix as she really is a disturbing character. It's always fun to break down the craziness of someone and see where that leads.
I loved writing that last line! Thank you for liking it too! Report Review
OMG this is some amazing work!! I totally love this story!! Bellatrix has always intrigued me, and I don't think anyone in fanfiction has ever done justice to her (at least from what I've read so far) but you, you have done it! You have portrayed her the way she is, and I salute you for that. Your writing was impeccable, the flow perfect, the plot brilliant and the characterization super smashing. I have come across something so awesome after ages. I am so glad I chose to read this story. This was really some great writing. I think you really did very well with it. I couldn't spot any grammar/spelling errors, no faults in plot, flow and characterization, and an emotion-evoking narrative over all. It was all really brilliant. I loved the idea of Bellatrix being Draco's mother, and conceiving him with Lucius, yet her yearning for Voldemort. You painted it all so well. I could feel everything.
Hats off to you for such a brilliant piece of writing!!
Keep writing more awesome stuff like this one!!
(AditiDraco95)Author's Response: THANK YOU FOR THIS WONDERFUL REVIEW! I saw you also recommended it! :) Yay!
I truly did try to stay to Bella's character. Writing psycho happens to come easy to me - a fact that I try not to look at too closely - and so I kind of had an easy time of writing her. However, it was going to be a bit OOC due to the premise but I'm glad I didn't stray too far.
Thank you so much for this!
xChar Report Review
All I can say is wow. I've never read anything this powerful about Bellatrix, I loved it from start to end. Especially when you talk about her feelings about her son.
I'm so happy I chose to read this.Author's Response: Thank you! I'm flattered by your words! :) Report Review
Hi there. I understand that you were writing this for the sake of writing, in the pre-NaNo hype, but it had its ups as well as its downs, and for the most part I think you did pretty well.
First of all, you got inside Bellatrix's head nicely here. I can see her saying "my lord" instead of Lucius, I can see her forcing her child on Lucius and leaving him to deal, and had she had a son, I can see her despising him as much as she loved him. I can even see her sleeping with Lucius, or anyone she pleased, because she was unsatisfied with Rodolphus. Her actions and thoughts were entirely in character.
I do feel like you could have devoted even more detail to this. It's less than 2000 words, and encompasses quite a span of time. Had you wanted to, you could have delved far deeper into this relationship between Bellatrix and Draco. Mother-child situations can get quite complex, as this one is, but you did not speak as much for Bellatrix as you could have. In fact, if you wanted to, you could cut out the entire first scene when they're in bed and focus solely on Bellatrix's choices and interactions with Draco. I personally wanted to see if he ever learned he was her mother.
I'm not a huge fan of pairing up two characters and giving people different parents than in canon, but you dealt with the subject in all seriousness and did it justice. You had a good handle on Bellatrix, as I've already said, which made the story for me. I thought Lucius could have been a stronger, more confrontational, because even though Bellatrix is aggressive he'd always assumed that he's in the right, which makes for an interesting interaction. However, it was mainly about Bellatrix, so that's nor really worrying. You moved things along and kept the plot flowing, so it never grew tiresome, and had a few choice words that really nailed it. Nice job.Author's Response: Thank you for your review. I did try having an "in-character" Bellatrix as well as one that was slightly out so she could fit into the premise of my story. It's very true that there could've been more detail on the story. I personally don't have a high opinion of Lucius but I can see what you mean here. Thanks! Report Review
wow, this was really great. I never shipped Lucius/Bella before, but I think you pulled it off quite brilliantly!
The attention to detail you put into this was very well done, and I think you wrote Bellatrix's decent into madness very well. Getting her character correct in fics, I've noticed, isn't easy, and I think you managed it so beautifully. Great job!!Author's Response: Hey thanks! I'm glad you enjoy it. I actually find it pretty easy to write Bellatrix strangely enough... :) Report Review
I love, love, love this! Really, you write darkness and angst and all that sort of thing so beautifully. It was really good. Your use of imagery and metaphors and prettiness is awesome, and it flows and works really well together. I can really visualise everything: Bella, Voldy, their every interaction, the setting. The dialogue is perfectly in character and works well with the style of the one-shot. I also love your use of present tense - again, it works really well with the style you are going for.
And O.O! Draco is Bella and Lucius' child! That is a twist. Usually, AU stuff like that makes me cringe a little, but this was very well executed, so I really liked it. However, this is where I think you strayed, in terms of dialogue: "You said that you were protected!" works well, but I just think it sounds a little too modern, but I can't think of any alternatives right now... maybe something like 'you said we were safe', but that could be too ambiguous.
The last two sections were really well written - I lurrrve your descriptions of Azkaban and the Dementors as well as Bella's emotions and feelings. You've really got her spot on. Congratulations on writing a really rather spiffing one shot. ♥Author's Response: Wow thanks! I'm really flattered by all your kind words.
Just as a clarification point, it wasn't Bella and Voldy...it was Bella and Lucius with Bella just fantasizing (as she is wont to do). I'm glad that the AU didn't make you cringe. I couldn't think of another way of saying "protected" other than that--just thinking with a spell or something.
Thank you for this! Report Review
As a die hard Lucius/Narcissa fan, I feel it necessary that I am very disappointed in Lucius... Now that I have that out of the way... :P
WOW! It was so amazing I'm... Speechless. LOL. It was just so amazingly well written and I'm so glad I picked this to read. It was interesting to see Draco as Bella's son and to know her thoughts of him during that night in the manor!
Sam.Author's Response: I understand on Lucius. It was just a convenient set up for me :P
Thank you! I'm very happy to hear that you think it's well written and that you thought it was interesting! Report Review
Oooh! This is the second non-BoB writing I've read of yours, I think. Your style is so diverse. I think you wrote Bellatrix quite well - mostly mad and made madder by the choices she has made. And don't worry about the first section; I think it was done very tastefully. This sentence stood out: It irks her that he is ordering her about, trying to force her to see what should remain unseen. I could immediately get such a big part of her characterization from that, and it continues in the next section when she basically slaps around Lucius, heh.
But oh my, Draco as Bella/Lucius's child *___* You know, it'd totally be able to work, and I think you made it believable. I also love this bit: And so she forgets the little face and focuses on her master for she knows that he will come and he will forgive her for failing to find him sooner. For he knows that Bellatrix Lestrange holds him first in her heart and mind. At least what's left of it. You give her potential for humanity with Draco, I think. It's there, but she doesn't want it. When she sees him, she might hurt, but she's too far gone to really care.
Lovely! ♥Author's Response: Thank you for this! It's making me smile :) (except I don't know what "BoB" means - beyond own borders, break out of box?) I absolutely LURVE that you said my style was diverse! That's what I'm trying to stick to, diversity, because I don't want to be stuck just writing Dramiones or angst (though I do write a lot of that :P)
Thank you for saying the first section was done tastefully. It chills me out to hear that. Bellatrix is, weirdly enough, not that hard for me to write (does that mean I'm close to madness? Probs).
I always thought there was some humanity to her until Azkaban and then the second War. I like that you like the twist :)
Thank you for this! Report Review
Oh my gosh, you write dark so well. This was rich in chilling descriptions and haunting thoughts from Bellatrix and it was so bitter. I didn't feel sorry for her or have any sympathy, which is good because I wouldn't have wanted to sympathise with her. She seems this awfully lost and twisted woman who is being forced to lie in the bed she made when she made her mistakes. The way she interacts with Lucius is so dark but so fitting for her, and her obsession with the dark lord is just as it should be.
Your descriptions are so gorgeous but your characterisation stole the show here. I loved it :)
MarinaAuthor's Response: YAY! I love that you love my descriptions and characterizations! That's exactly the two points I was trying to focus on. Bellatrix isn't someone to pity or sympathize. She's like this wild animal that you kind of observe and let be. Thank you for reading this! Report Review
Hey! Tag you're it!
So I wanted to firstly say, kudos on writing Belletrix. She terrifies me (and not just in a she's a psycho DE sort of way). I have a really hard time trying to get into her head and making sense of her motivations as a character. Secondly, I wanted to commend you for this story. I know you said it was sort of spur of the moment and what not, but I thought this was great! I have a really hard time writing and reading intimate scenes because I always feel like I'm intruding on their moment or whatever. But this was written very subtly and with loads of class and I think that you should know that, because it's a rarity to find something so beautifully written. The entire concept of Belletrix mothering Draco to Lucius blew my mind. I think it was a plausible situation given what you wrote, and wholly enjoyed this story.
I'll definitely have to check out more of your work! You're a great writer!
MelissaAuthor's Response: Thank you for this awesome review! I normally stay away from intimate scenes but this one was particularly easy to write just due to inspiration. I'm glad that I got it done with class :) I'm also happy to hear that Bellatrix was Bellatrix. I very much wanted to communicate that through writing this and it's good to hear that it happened!
xChar Report Review
Wow! Draco being Bellatrix's son? That is original.
You wrote this so well, and so realistically that I was just completely captivated. Everything about it just screams 'Bellatrix.' The way she was the dominant one with lucius, telling him to never lay a wand on her again. I loved it.
It's like you've taken a few main events that would have happened in her life, and pieced them together into this one-shot. It works so well.
The only thing I can say is that I think this would make a great short story/novella! It was too short xD
LWG :)Author's Response: Oh yeah, I love being original :) I'm glad that it was all realistic. I wanted it to be Bellatrix but obviously not since I was putting some AU in there. I also like packing big punches in little things. Report Review
Firstly can I say how much I loved this one-shot? It was so cleverly written and the plot is brilliant.
For some reason I've never thought as Bellatrix and Lucius as a couple or 'together'. But after reading this - it makes perfect sense! For some reason, I can clearly imagine this coupling happening.
And then there was Draco. Did not see that one coming, but once again after reading it, I suddenly had the moment of 'woah - that could work'. It all fits brilliantly and I know I won't be able to read the HP books and looks at the characters in the same way.
Great Job! It was brilliant! :D
P.S. side note - but the whole 'dark lord' bit at the beginning worked really well. I was thinking that it was a voldie/Bellatrix and thought to myself 'well that's a bit out of character- her being annoyed that Voldie was bossying her about' but then you turned the table!
Keira7794Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it and thought that it was plausible given that it's AU. Ha, on the Dark Lord bit! I got you there for a little! Lol Report Review
Hey! Here from review tag :)
So I actually kind of love this pairing, though you're right, the two of them aren't often put together. (Or perhaps that's just my love for Lucius/Narcissa blocking them out from my mind.) I really love the animalistic way in which you described them, and I thought your characterization was great, especially your portrayal of how Bellatrix gives her madness its own method, its own purpose. I love the way in which she so easily uses and abuses her new plaything, treating him in much the same way as her master does in the final canon volume. You can really see how far he's fallen, how powerless he's really become. I do pity him here.
It's really neat how you've threaded canon events in with Bellatrix's train of thought here. Her treatment of Draco is really interesting, and I can sense that she is enraged that so much of his father has taken over inside of him, leaving little of the values she prizes within herself. I also like how you've alluded to the distance we saw between Narcissa and Bellatrix in the scenes at Malfoy Manor, the clear separation between the wholly devoted sister and the more hesitant one.
This was really powerful, especially given its length. Great job! :)
academicaAuthor's Response: Hey! You've got my Bellatrix spot on--she's a user and an abuser. She's also aloof and not one to be cozy with anyone--her lover, her sister or even her own son. I'm very glad that this received such praise from a clever writer such as yourself! :) Report Review
Her silver cries break through the moonless night.
HOOKED ME RIGHT IN. Seriously, I have never been so captivated by a first sentence before. I actually read that part over about five or six times because it really painted this picture for me and gave me an icy chill.
She could see it in the way his pupils dilated, in the way he always made sure Narcissa or his father were always with him if he had to be in the same room as her and in the dancing steps of anxiety he took if he stood too close to her.
I could actually really believe that Bellatrix and Luce would get together one night or more. To think Draco would be her son is a stretch for me but the way you wrote it out, making Narcissa barren and yet keeping everyone in character, the thoughts and the actions, really made me believe. I actually just second guessed myself for a moment and said 'Well, this surely is canon, isn't it!'
And she ignores the weeping inside of her as the last vestige of humanity is incinerated in her madness.
Another chill with this last sentence. You really were able to make the first and last sentence so powerful that everything inbetween is just magnified.
I thought this was wonderful. Excellent job dear!Author's Response: Thank you for this! :) It's given me something to look at and feel happy. I did try to be pretty poetic and picturesque in the beginning so I'm glad that came off.
I'm glad that everyone was in character enough for you to be doubtful :) This was a wonderful review to read!
Char Report Review
this was absolutely amazing. you have described Bella's descent into madness so perfectly, it feels as though we are becoming mad with her. you've characterised her so perfectly, and all her actions and words ring true to JK's Bellatrix, and i just adore this.
i thought that you characterised everyone else really well too - Lucius with his one mistake, and how he is forced to tell his wife about Bella; the dementors and her thoughts of hiw she will stay for the Dark Lord; Draco, and how painful it was for her in so many ways.
also, i love how you've made it that Draco was hurting her, but she is so good at inflicting pain on others. her madness, her love of pain, was written so well! and your last line was painfully sad, too. i've loved all of this.
~TGKAuthor's Response: Yay! I'm staying true to character while still making it not completely canon! Thank you so much for these wonderful words! I'm just going to hug them to me while I finish my laundry :) Report Review
I loved this!
I've never thought of Bellatrix/Lucuis as a shipping but it could actually work, and I think that you have portrayed how their relationship would have been perfectly.
I couldn't find any grammatical mistakes or typos which was great!!
I loved your characterisation of both of them. I liked the insight we got into Bellatrix's mind, it's something I don't find very much in fan fictions.
All in all, great story! I loved it!
JazAuthor's Response: Wow thanks for this! Report Review
Here from review tag!
You did a really excellent job of capturing Bellatrix's character. She's just so creepy and pretty much a total pschyopath, and you really got that vibe accross, and it also explained her obsession with Voldemort very well.
The descriptions in the opening scene and the part at Azkaban did a lot to set the really dark atmosphere.I'm not sure how I feel about the twist of Draco being Bella's son, but the way she denied it seemed totally in character.
You really captured her descent and loss of humanity, and this was a very good dark story.Author's Response: I'm glad I do creepy and psycho pretty well :) Thank you for letting me know your thoughts on this and that I achieved the darkness I was looking for! Report Review
I think I read this before but never reviewed - something that will be remedied immediately.
I've always adored everything that I've read by you and this is no exception. There's something dark and beautiful about this story, much like Bellatrix herself. Your descriptions, as always, are perfect. The beginning was gorgeous and very...bewitching. I'm not sure how else to describe it. There was something magical in her word you choose - Bella's "silver cries" and the scene you set for the moment that is never talked about. I can picture everything very vividly and Bellatrix's emotions are so palpable.
I think Lucius's anger with Bellatrix is expected - she's calling out for another man that isn't him. That anger carries on when she tells him she's pregnant. You mention Cissy so very little in this, but the few words we read from Bella's point of view reveal a lot about her thoughts regarding her sister - that she's weak and fearful, not fit to be in the service of the Dark Lord.
It's a clever way to bring Draco into the world - having him be from the other Black sister, born from a night of passion. I thought it was very fitting of Bella's personality to leave Lucius to the wolves, leaving him to tell Cissy how he got her sister pregnant with the child that they were to raise as their own.
Bella's thoughts during Azkaban are chilling and slightly maddening. You can see how she's falling apart, revealing her downfall piece by piece but she still clings to her loyalty to Voldemort, and that keeps her somewhat sane until Azkaban falls and she's able to escape to continue serving the only man she really seems to care for.
Finally meeting Draco was another eye-opener. Interesting how she hates and hurts that Draco is afraid of her. I would have thought she wouldn't care, but I can see how there's some sort of maternal connection, no matter how much exposure they've had to each other. She gave birth to him and having him frightened of her is probably very hurtful, but obviously Draco's feelings for her are nothing compared to what the Dark Lord thinks of her - that would kill her. Very interesting.
I love love love the line: "...the boy who is no son of hers." I don't know why - it says a lot about both Draco and Bella in so few words; it makes a very powerful statement, I think, that she still holds expectations of Draco being her son and when he doesn't meet them, she can't stand the thought of him ever belonging to her.
The last line really ties everything together - the final stage of Bella's descent into insanity, really. It's beautifully written as she gives up everything to the madness raging inside her.
Such a wonderfully well-written exploration of Bella's character with a most unusual plot twist.Author's Response: Oh! You are so lovely! I value your opinion because your own stories are wonderfully put together no matter what you're writing so everything you've written in this review is being taken to heart!
Literally everything you've commented upon is exactly what I meant to communicate, especially with the line "...the boy who is no son of hers" - you've nailed it! I feel like there's some Bella-connection here or something. Spooky :)
Thank you so much! Report Review
Hello! Ariellem from the review swap! I really liked this, I think Bella was just a bit ooc, but I liked everything else. Poor Draco though. Imagine coming from that kind of family, gives mother issues a whole new meaning.Author's Response: Hiya! Thanks for coming by. Bella is meant to be OOC because really, how am I supposed to get y'all to connect to her. "mother issues" LOL, for real. Report Review
Hi there, Char! I'm here for the BvB battle:-)
So, the heart of darkness in this story was laid bare for all to see! I really liked the way you didn't flinch away from it - it gave your story integrity, even as your characters lost theirs.
You have an excellent descriptive style, especially regarding your characters inner monologues, really putting the reader in the moment. There was some gorgeous, rich language that brought the whole thing alive. More than that, you did it in a way that really brought home the drama of events. I commend you for that.
If I have one criticism to make, it's that the events you chose to explore here crossed such a wide expanse of time. There's nothing wrong with that per se, but I would have appreciated a little bit more lead-in, as I got a bit confused with the time skips sometimes.
I've seen that SeverusLove has already reviewed this chapter for grammar and typos, so I'll skip over the few minor things that I spotted. Technically, there was very little that I noticed anyway.
In all honesty, I wouldn't necessarily have chosen this story to read (I'm more of a fluffy romance kind of a girl:-)), but I really enjoyed it, and I think the best thing about review battles is you get to challenge yourself with really good stories that you wouldn't otherwise have read.
Good job!Author's Response: I'm glad that you found my boldness in writing this story a plus rather than a minus. I had many a trepidation doing so!
I do get it on the added time in between each scene. I was kind of just belting this out at the time in preparation for Nano and not really outlining it. I can def keep that in mind for any future similar fics.
I'm glad you challenged yourself to read this because you gave me a couple of good points and some solid praise! :) Thanks! Report Review
I love this oneshot. Your description is really poetic and smooth, and I think it would be very believable for Lucius and Bellatrix to have an affair. I love the twist that Draco is actually her son, it makes me feel really bad for Narcissa. This does what fanfiction is supposed to do: add to the canon rather than change it. Great job! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks! I'm glad that you liked that little bit on Draco. That's the first thing I thought of in relation to this story Report Review
First off I want to apologise for taking so long to get round to doing this, it wasn't m interntion of leaving it that long. Also Congratulations again!!
I have to say that your desriptions and actions are truly wonderful, you paint the image in my head perfectly with the words that you write down. 'He moves and her head is thrown back against the pillows, pale throat exposed. She can see, feel, the desperate passion that underscores the act.' . This line really stood out to me because you convey both so well.
I enjoyed your characterization of Bella, as you didn't stray to far from how she is in the book. It's like a little type of insight to what she would be like if she did have children. And I like how you didn't make her compltely evil without any emotions, you gave us justification of why she felt like that - 'She met her son when he was already grown and he was scared of her on sight.' - ' It hurts something inside of Bellatrix. And she hates him for that.'
I enjoyed the pace and how everything flowed, and I loved the Dark/angsty side to it.
Very addicting story and I thought you ended it well with the last line, as it made a great statement!
Silverstarletworld :)Author's Response: Totally fine on the delay! I just took an equally long time in answering them!
I was a bit hesitant on the whole first scene as it's as close to graphic as I've ever gotten (and probably ever will to be honest). I'm glad it pulled of.
Thank you so much for the kind words in this review! This story was "on a limb" kind of thing for me and I'm happy that it came out okay! Report Review
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