I'm so happy this wasn't James and
Albus. That's who I was thinking at first, and it still would have been really great even if it was, but any kind of hate between those two really gets to me because of what the family went though go get those two children on this earth. Anyway, I like the brothers you chose much, much better for this
I wanted to follow Lysander's thoughts and hit Rose's fiancÚ in the nose, haha. I think his gift was very sweet, and more than sweet, it's something he's paid enough attention to to know she's interested in it.
I really loved that you didn't ever make Lorcan seem cruel. He's an incredibly charismatic, popular boy. Maybe he didn't give his brother enough attention, but you certainly never made it seem that he'd been cruel to him, which makes this so much more complex. It isn't a case of 'he was mean so I don't like him'... The kind of right and wrong that's easy to place.
Instead, it's a really twisted up combination of Lysander feeling so inferior, and putting those feelings on the person he had to watch succeed at everything he does. Lysander should have spoken up more, given himself a
voice, but Lorcan could have also tried harder to give him a place to belong.
Like I said, it's an awesome combination of no one being neither completely innocent nor completely at fault.
This was just a small detail, but the idea of Luna setting the boys up on the counter and getting them to focus on her so she could speak with them like you would with an adult, to give them that kind of respect, fit her so amazingly well.
I really enjoyed this, m'dear!! Report Review
This is definitely something special and lovely.
From the very beginning you had me hooked. The use of the second person was a smart touch, making me want to know why 'you hate me'. Also, the way you introduce us to both the twins with this sort of metaphor, how Lysander is jealous and Lorcan is 'perfect'. He probably isn't, and he probably isn't that empty either, but what is great is you gave us a very personal POV on him.
All Lysander's feelings and thoughts were perfectly written, I could almost feel the hate tickling in my stomach, complaining and asking me to let it out, even if it wasn't mine. Even if it is actually just a story, Thing is, you make it like it was something more than just a story. Twins are often mistaken when you haven't taken the time to get to know them. And I can only imagine how painful it is for one of them being mistaken, then recognized and ignored. You made me feel sorry for Lysander, and want to hug him, tell him how great he was if he put jealousy apart.
And ugh, Rose's fiancÚ. For a moment I thought you were going to merge the 'you' and the 'he' into one, making Lorcan Rose's fiancÚ. I thought it was really touching that Lysander gave her a book, it reminds me a lot of Hermione's presents and you're characterizing her well. Their relationship is just so refreshing, him loving her, her thinking of him as a brother, and them not ending together.
We can see why Lysander feels so miserable, and blames it on his twin who is carefree; yet he knows it's not entirely his fault. But having someone to blame it all on is obviously easier to him, and his hurting is palpable through your words.
I wish I had seen a little more insight in the old Luna we know, but her becoming a great mother was great and I loved her. She was really a character to love, though I don't think she would have lost all her 'dreaminess'.
So overall, I loved the feelings that were easy to follow, and the use of the second person. Characterization was great and mostly for Lysander. Would you hug him for me? ;) And once again, your one-shot skills and writing are beautiful, which is why I wish to have seen more from Luna, that being the only think I could criticize. And just for the record, even for what you showed us of Lorcan, I don't hate him. haha.
Awesome piece!Author's Response: Wow, thank you for the long, detailed review! I came into this intending to use the second person POV to my advantage, and I think it worked out nicely for this situation. The entire story is directed at a single person, so it fits. ;)
I've heard from a few different people that they thought Lorcan would turn out to be the fiance, a scenario that never even crossed my mind while writing this. But it's a good idea, and would really bring the story full circle, in a way. I like the way you guys think. :D
You definitely got where I was going with Lysander, that he was blaming some things on his twin that weren't necessarily Lorcan's fault. I tried to give Luna a bit of herself in this, keeping up with her plain yet wise way of putting things, but she had such a small role, that never really shone out properly. I may go back and add a little to her, though. You make a good point. Thank you, once again! Report Review
Wow! This was really something special - I really loved this! The way you wrote this was so great. At the beginning I thought it was a girl talking about a guy (maybe over a breakup), then as you went on I slowly realised it was Lysander and Lorcan! The whole way you progressed through this was just so ingenious :)
And brilliant writing as well! You really succeeded in conveying his thoughts and feelings about Lorcan. I thoroughly enjoyed this - it was a really creative one-shot and I'm glad I got the chance to read it! :)Author's Response: Thank you for dropping by! I'm glad you enjoyed the story. If I remember correctly, I was trying really hard to build things bit by bit here, and not rush through them too quickly or loudly as I have a tendency to. Good to hear that worked out! :) Report Review
Ooh, I love your beginning already. . You spin empty conversation, thoughts that are sweet to the ear but bland if swallowed. Lucky for you, the people you associate with have never digested anything substantial in their lives. I think it already says so much about the Lorcan and Lysander. Even if Lorcan isn't perfect, the way Lysander sees him as only these perfect qualities (jealously, of course), I think speaks volumes. He's just as angry at himself for never speaking up, and even if he channels it through his anger to Lysander, there's part of him that knows it's his own fault too.
Really, I love all of this. But when I asked you once, you just said that opinions were easy: you either had 'em or you didn't. And if you did have them, why wait? There's such a strong voice in that. Something slightly condescending, even if it doesn't mean to be.
Baww ;_; the book. Ugh, go away Rose's fiancee.
The last lines, wow. I love them. It's just full of so much spite. Perfect conclusion to all of his thoughts here at the party.
♥ lovely oneshot! :3Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the review, even though it's taken me awhile to reply. ;) I tend to try and start out stories on a good note, whether it be something wacky or descriptive or symbolic or what have you, so this one turned out to lean towards sounding nice. That was one of the lines I based Lorcan's character on, because this had very little planning, so it kind of went from there.
And yeah, there's definitely condescension in plenty of things Lorcan does, even if they come off harsher to Lysander. I mean, it's a legitimate statement, to not hesitate when you have an idea, but it does have some other implications as well.
I was feeling rather spiteful as I wrote this, it clearly came out :P Once again, thanks for dropping by! Report Review
Hi there! *team blue*
This was so brilliant. I absolutely love what you've done with Lysander and Lorcan's characters, and how you don't use many names so that it's up to the reader to interpret who is who; it makes the situation less specific, and easier to grasp.
You characterised the brother so well. I love how you showed first one and then the other, as though they were being held up against the other for inspection. I think you really showed us how inferior Lysander feels compared to everyone else; you've given him a harsh tone when he talks about himself and how stupid he must have been.
I also love how you showed us a glimpse of his and Rose's relationship. It's hard to say what they were, exactly, and I like that because it somehow makes his gift more meaningful as it is less of a label. I love the idea of him giving a more personal gift, that is not the mainstream present idea but is worth a lot in the eyes of Rose. It was a brilliant metaphor for Lysander himself, especially as you had Rose's fiance - who could have been Lorcan, could have not, but if he was, I loved the parallels between them - sneering at it, because it wasn't worth anything to him.
I loved your subtle use of second person POV too, because it made the piece feel more personal, and almost judgemental as Lysander considered everyone and everything. It was extremely effective in helping us see it his way.
I love how you brought the subtle 'probably you' message through the entire piece, and then reinforced it using the last line, because it implied how much Lysander didn't want to be himself. The entire piece was just so beautiful, I'm so glad I got to read it.
~LottieAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review, I'm glad you enjoyed it! I think Lysander does feel that he's often held up to his brother, and as twins, it's hard for anyone not to.
I've always been one of those people who's often more excited to give a gift and watch the recipient's reaction than to receive one myself. So it was easy for me to picture Lysander putting himself out there (and perhaps being a bit clueless as to gift etiquette as well) and getting shot down. I didn't see Lorcan as the fiance, but that would actually work, it's an interesting thought!
This idea came from a lot of bits and pieces, but mostly from the first line, which came to me fully formed. I really wanted to experiment a bit with second person, because it's a much more intimate way of telling a story when the whole thing is directed at a single person. I'm glad it worked out the way I envisioned it.
Once again, thanks for the excellent review. The last line was a bit of a stretch, so it's great to hear you got it and understood what it was getting at-- that Lysander hated himself as much, if not more, than he hated Lorcan.
This was actually a really cute one shot :D
If you hadn't said who they were at first, I would have probrably never guessed x) Anyway, this was well thought out and I truly am a sucker for stories where someone is misunderstood and frowned upon by someone else.
I actualy feel realy bad for Lycander about how his brother gest the girls and woos people ect. But I found this reallt enjoyable.
I found not spelling or mistakes which made the whole thing a lot better than it already was :D
Great one shot you have here
Ravenclaw xxxAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review, I'm glad you enjoyed it! One of the great things about misunderstood characters is that they're so easy to sympathize with, so they're great to use if you want readers to relate to the characters.
I'm pretty careful about editing and whatnot: the story content will always be most important, but I think it's good that one shows they care enough about a story to put some time in making it presentable. Good to hear it paid off. Report Review
This story is probably the first HPFF which has really made me think. And not just think but think. And it's that last line that has me stumped. But I will get to that in a second.
I loved this. Good God, I am such a sucker for stories about misunderstood people, where the author begs the sympathy of the reader for the 'underdog'. I give it in spades. It's a weakness of mine. But even without that bias, I think it is difficult to not feel for Lysander in this. You make his situation a horrible on to be in but very real and therefore it is easy to feel for him.
His voice is really well done. It's clear and definitely in character and, dare I say, but mature in a sense? I mean that even with his anger and frustration towards Lorcan, it almost seems justified. I mean to say that it isn't just childish frustrations that he is piling onto his twin because he can. It genuinely seems like he is frustrated and it seems like he has good reason to be and it... makes sense. I suppose that's what I'm trying to say here. However I describe it, Lysander's voice was definitely well done. I loved his character. I have such a clear picture of him in my mind and I adore that picture. I definitely agree that it's a strength of this story!
Now, we move onto my confusion in this. In your areas of concern, you mentioned whether the memories were clear enough and whether they prepared the reader for the end. Well, the memories are definitely clear and make perfect sense. What I am not too sure about is the ending about this and how the memories 'prepare' the reader for the end. And what, exactly, is the end. And I don't put this down to poor writing on your part, I just feel like I'm missing something huge (believe me, it wouldn't be the first person I would have done so!).
That last line: "I wouldn't be the first one to get us mixed up." I feel like you are alluding to how Lorcan also has hatred towards Lysander. Or maybe not hatred, but ill-feelings, certainly. I get that sense. What I don't quite understand is the memories tying into that.
Perhaps I'm reading too much into it and it really is something as simple as their being unresolved tension on both their sides. Or perhaps there is a deeper understanding which has just gone straight over my head. Whichever it is, this was really well written. I especially loved the line "You spin empty conversation, thoughts that are sweet to the ear but bland if swallowed." I wish I could write so simply yet beautifully like that. God, that's a lovely line.
But, then, you should be proud of every line of this! I really enjoyed it.
Joop.Author's Response: Wow, thank you such a detailed review. I really appreciate that you not only took the time to read this, but to leave a review that I have to scroll down in order to read it all.
For this story to work (for any story to work) you have to be rooting for the character. Many of us know what it's like when someone has it all, while we're sitting there in the background wondering why we're not them. I intended the reader to pity Lysander, hope for him to figure himself out, so I'm glad you felt that way.
Thank you for putting out some thoughts on that last line. The confusion comes from my end. I aimed for the line to reveal that it was not Lorcan that Lysander hated (at least not entirely), but that Lysander hated himself as well. The hope was, since they were twins, that him mentioning physical mixups of the two would lead the reader to realize that Lysander also mixed up whom he was mad at: sometimes he was made at Lorcan, sure, but Lysander also hated himself for coming in second, and hated himself for lacking the courage to tell his brother how he really felt. Just typing that sentence required me to do some double checking, which means it's probably too big a leap to make in just one sentence at the end of a story.
About the way the memories tied in, I tried to show some of his frustration at himself but, looking back, it is not as clear as I'd thought it was. I also talked a bit about courage as he was walking away from the encounter with Rose and her fiance.
Either way, I'll look into it and see what I can do. ;) There are at least some parts that can be improved, as always. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and above all, I'm glad it made you think. When I read, all I want to do is be forced to think, so it's quite the compliment.
If you hadn't identified the main character once, I don't think I ever would have figured it out. That's not necessarily a bad thing, either. I think it helps the reader identify more with the character - that a lot of us have been in that position where the other sibling is always smarter, more athletic, more popular.
I think you do a wonderful job describing Lysander's feelings about Lorcan and I found the last observation very interesting. You spend the entire story focusing on everything about Lorcan that Lysander hates and/or is envious about - how everything comes to easily to his brother - and then you repeat the first line again, only for him to reflect on his jealousy and wonder if it's himself he hates more for not being as 'perfect' as Lorcan.
I felt so bad for him when Rose's fiance scoffed at his gift. :( It was definitely thoughtful and Rose seemed to appreciate it so it made me angry that she didn't try to stop him from walking away.
I did notice a missing word in this sentence: "We learned to have opinions on everything from the weather to new Minister of Magic." I think there should be the word 'the' between 'to' and 'new.' I thought there was something else I noticed but I can't seem to find it now.
Overall, though, this was a very enjoyable read. Your story flowed very nicely. There was no awkward phrasing and there was just enough dialogue to balance out the prose. You've definitely made me feel for Lysander and I think that is an important aspect of writing a story. Nicely done. :)Author's Response: I realized that Lysander's situation wasn't unique, which why I made sure to name him that one time. I did't want it to look like I was going out of my way, but since it's important to know who he is and that he's a twin, I definitely knew I had to make that clear. I just went in and added that he was a twin, in another section, just so that it was one hundred percent clear. ;)
I intended all along for Lysander to question himself, but not have a revelation so much as mention an insecurity he can just about name by the end of the story. He knows enough to be mad at himself, but there's still a portion of the blame focused on Lorcan. A lot of the same anger is actually divided between them. And I think that's what it's like a lot of the time, when we know we're responsible but can't help hating that other person anyway.
Thanks for pointing out the typo, I'll get that fixed. I'm glad you enjoyed it, and that you felt for Lysander.
Thanks so much for the review! Sorry it took so long to reply. Report Review
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