Hi, I'm here from the review battle!
I picked this story to review because of the story summary. I like that it is simple, to the point and shows a sense of humor.
I really like how you show the dangers of the auror profession from Lily's point of view: "She'd wanted to scream at him and shake him and make him understand that there was something wrong if he was in St. Mungo's, but she knew that he didn't see it that way." You do a great job of making the reader understand her perspective.
The only critique I have to offer is to point out one bit of repetition: "She knew she should go to Potions..." is followed a few sentences later by "Logically, she knew that she really needed to go to Potions." I would take out one or the other, just to make this section flow better. Otherwise, I didn't find anything to complain about. :)
I enjoyed this story enough to want to check out "The Albatross." I will have to make an effort to read it soon. :)Author's Response: Aw, thank you so much! I can definitely see what you mean about that line and how it could be a bit repetitive - when I get the chance, I'll have to fix it. :) Thanks for your review and your kind words! Report Review
Hey. You shouldn't have been worried! This was a really good atempt at angst, you got the emotion perfectly. I loved the fact that the characters have some serious depth. I also adored the open ending too. It suited this piece perfectly. I also loved your version of Scorpius, he was different than other stories and I really liked that. Also this whole peice was very relatable. I mean, Lily worrying about her family is something we can all relate too. In all, I really enjoyed this one shot, you wrote it brilliantly.
- santa,Author's Response: Oh, thank you! :) I'm so glad you liked it! I was super unsure about this one, so it's really reassuring to hear positive feedback. :) Report Review
What's that, you say? You want a review? Nah, I thought I'd just look around here and just check out the scenery. The background of the archives is pretty. And all that.
Yeah. I'll stop with the jokes. But, but, but. Here is your second gift! Oh. My. Gah. !.
I loved this. I think it's safe to say that I'm going to pretty much adore every single thing you write but I loved this. I have an older brother (god I hope that I haven't mentioned that somewhere and you'll know who I am) and I can easily see where Lily is coming from.
Universal truth: Younger sisters adore, idolise and worry about their brothers. We will never admit it but that's the truth.
I don't know if you have an older brother. But if you don't, you captured that relationship perfectly here. It's hard to describe. It's hard to express. It's hard to write about and make the reader fully understand it. But you did. Wow.
What I think the best part about this is your characterisation of Lily. It's just so effortless. So many authors try way too hard with the characterisation of their characters. They drone on about every single thing but the best writing is where you just jump straight in and do the cliche show-don't-tell. You did that here. You didn't have a massive thesis at the start explaining who Lily was, she just was. That takes guts. And you pulled it off so well.
She's just your ordinary teenage girl at Hogwarts. Please take that as a massive compliment. She is just so well characterised that she is perfect. She is Lily Potter, a girl at Hogwarts. And you have her emotions and thoughts down so well.
I loved her voice in this. I know that it isn't from her POV but it just came through so clearly. Loved it. I wish I had a character like her in one of my stories!
I also loved Scorpius in this. His appearance is so sudden but definitely not unwelcome. I like that she had someone to talk to. I think it would have been a bit empty if there was noone there and, now that I think about it, Scorpius is the perfect person to be there for her.
You don't give us a lot about Scorpius. But you give enough of him that made me adore him. He wasn't moody. He wasn't the Son of a Death Eater And Trying To Lose That Image By Being Overly Amazing And Oh Did I Mention That He Plays The Guitar And Draws that so many authors try to do portray. He's just Scorpius. A boy at Hogwarts who is dating Lily's older cousin. It's like your characterisation with Lily. He just... is. And it's so incredibly well done.
I liked how older-brotherly-friendly he is to Lily. It's just such a nice relationship and you gave us so much in so few words. It's just comfortable and not awkward at all. And, yes, a small part of me melted when he hugged her. No, I wasn't hoping for them to end up together or anything, but he was just so sweet. And lovable.
This was awesome. It was just a little snapshot into Lily's life and I think that's what one-shots should be. A small glimpse into someone's life or relationship with someone. And you gave us heaps with this.
I really don't know why you're worried about your description. Be confident in your writing, because it's nothing short of awesome!Author's Response: Oh, you're so sweet! Thank you!
And yeah, when I first created my Scorpius I definitely wanted to avoid that highly dramatic take on him. My philosophy is that life is about the subtleties as much as anything else, and outright conflict and extremes the way many people write Scorpius is just very unrealistic. If you decide to read Curiosity is not a Sin as well, I hope you like him there as well!
I don't recall anyone mentioning an older brother. I think you're safe. :P I actually don't have an older brother, but I am an older sister, and the dynamic is often very similar, I think. I also really worry and am very protective of my brother, and I definitely drew a little on both when writing Lily!
Thank you so much. I'm really glad you liked this, because it's one of my fics that I feel the most unsure about. :) Report Review
Hey there!!! I am here with your first out of the three review :D
I was quite intrigued when I read the summary, as I hardly read non-romance involving fics but somehow I wanted to read this and so I did. :D
I think you did a fairly good job with this. I could see how Lily was worried for her brothers and it was nice to read about her bond with them. You did quite well showing her brooding in unhappiness as well. Scorpius and Lily's interaction was also sweet & realistic :)
However, there are 2 little things I would like to point out. Firstly, there are some grammatical errors in phrasing of a few sentences here and there. I suggest re-reading and editing them out (they sound quite awkward to read) - they won't be hard to spot!
Secondly, I felt there was some kind of repetition in the story. You're saying the same thing over and over in different ways in many places which is kinda off. Try not to go round and round the same 'idea' too many times. Instead, maybe you can put in flashbacks of Lily (scenes of her childhood with her brothers, or something else showing her bonds). That would make it much better.
Over all however, this was a nice little piece to read and you did a good job. With a little more polishing, it would be perfect.
Nice work!! 8/10
Trick Or Treat!Author's Response: Oh, yes. I can definitely see what you mean.
I'm less happy with this piece, but I haven't really been able to put my finger on why. You just articulated it really well, and I think now I actually know where I should go in terms of editing. Thank you! Report Review
This story is quite different from your romantic Teddy/Victoire stories I've read. I agree that angst is harder to write, because you need to get the reader behind the character's thoughts and emotions as opposed to shipping your characters. That said, I think you did a good job with this piece, and gave Lily many reasons for her beliefs and fear for her family. I think more detail into what happened to James and what has happened to Harry/other family members in the past would make this more powerful, maybe showing flashbacks of all the times she's thought she could lose someone. Other than that though, great job!Author's Response: Oooh, yes. I think that I will do that when I have the chance to edit it (which may not be until after NaNo).
Thank you! :) Report Review
I appreciate your submitting this! It was written very well, with no grammatical mistakes, a great plot and very good characterization. Normally I'm not a person who reads next-gen, but this opened my mind a little further, and I really did enjoy it. good job.
DRACOLOVERGIRL5000Author's Response: Thanks! I'm so glad you liked it! :) Report Review
This is fantastic! You provide a fresh outlook on the next-generations characters, which seems like an odd thing to say because you portray them so realistically rather than a great mess of soap opera-like drama. They're people with genuine feelings and ambitions - teenagers who still have lots of hopes and optimism, as well as fears and anxieties. Many writers miss out on that.
Lily's feelings about her brothers are easy to sympathize with, not only because brothers all seem to be the same for some incredibly strange reason, but also because they're very understandable. The danger that an Auror enters into everyday would be serious even without Voldemort and Death Eaters around - and Lily knows that very well from having both father and uncle in that profession. To have both brothers (is James one, too? I wasn't too sure about that because of the magical creatures part, but either way, he is doing a dangerous job, so I suppose it applies) involved as well would be chilling. She could lose them at any moment, and they don't seem to realize that. Not out loud, at least - they could feel it within, but won't express that fear. It would make them less brave, less worthy.
What you did with Scorpius was surprising at first because his presence was unexpected, but I really like your portrayal of him and the way that he, not any of her relatives, is the one who connects with her, is willing to give her a shoulder to cry on and listen to her fears. He becomes a stand-in for her brothers, who she almost regards as betraying her by placing themselves in such danger all the time. You made me like Scorpius, which is quite a thing in itself - Albus and James seem like typical Potter boys, while Scorpius has something more to him that makes him the right person who offer Lily comfort.
There was one small typo - the usual kind that Word is never intelligent enough to catch for you: "make Albus reconsider the who Auror thing" should have "whole" instead of "who". One other thing I wondered about was whether Slughorn would still be teaching Potions. By the time that Lily would be in her sixth year, he would be incredibly old - he was teaching in Tom Riddle's time back in the late 1930's/early 1940's, so I usually think him around Dumbledore's age, and to have him still teaching by the 2020's may be stretching things a little, especially since JKR has stated that even McGonagall retired by 2017 (when Albus was starting school), so I'm sure that Slughorn would have gone by then. It at least gives you room to make up your own Potions professor. :)
I can't fully put into words my admiration of your writing, the way that you aren't afraid to make the ending so open - I won't call it dismal, though it rather is - but you don't force a happy ending. Lily has to face the fact that someone close to her is going to die (it's quite amazing that no one has yet, knowing the Potter-Weasleys) and she will, when that happens, have to deal with that loss. It's a powerful lesson, and gives your story a level of profundity often lacking in stories.
And, re your author's note, you write angst/darker drama very well. This isn't a particularly dark story (as they tend to go), but you do explore great character depth with Lily, and I think you should definitely continue writing this kind of story! :DAuthor's Response: Oh, thank you so much!
I realized after I started writing all of my next-gen fics that JKR said that McGonagall has retired by the time Rose and Albus start, but I decided to ignore it - I do have McGonagall retire the year she turns 90, and given that Dumbledore was 115 when he died, I think that's probably fairly reasonable.
I do think I'm going to rewrite all of them so Slughorn is no longer in them, though - I loved the idea of the Slug Club as a plot device, but it's occurred to me that I can always just make the new Potions teacher one of his former pupils who decides to continue the tradition!
I'm really glad you liked this, and thought that it came across well! I'm actually in the early planning stages of writing a fic in which Lily actually runs away because she can't cope anymore - I hope that that won't spoil the open ending!
Thank you so much for your very in-depth review. I really appreciate it. (And I have fixed the typo! :) ) Report Review
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