Reading Reviews for What If?
  
13 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Scriptie Planning a journy, speaking Italian and accusations.

4th May 2012:
Can Lily still do magic or does she know she is a witch? I really do like how you go from Lily to the Minister. Great job! I can't wait to see what you write in the next chapter :)
-Scriptie

Author's Response: Okay i'll try working on a chapter, but it may be awhile. I'm so glad you like it.

 Report Review

Review #2, by Scriptie Of seeking truth and burning evidence.

4th May 2012:
Spelling is a lot better this chapter. I love how you went back and forth from Rome to England and back to Rome again. Can't wait to see what's in the next chapter.
-Scriptie

Author's Response: Thanks. I'm glad you like it.

 Report Review

Review #3, by Scriptie Prologue

4th May 2012:
I like this, just a few errors in spelling though. Nice job :)
-Scriptie

Author's Response: Thanks. Don't hold your breath for a new post soon, i've got bad case of writers block.

 Report Review

Review #4, by Starkidgleek Planning a journy, speaking Italian and accusations.

18th December 2011:
I love this story and cant wait to find out what happens when lily starts to find out who she really is... more please!

Author's Response: I'm working on it, but I'm also working another story right now, i'll try to update soon. Thanks for the review.

 Report Review

Review #5, by magicmuggle01 Planning a journy, speaking Italian and accusations.

18th December 2011:
A good filler chapter. I like it when people do this sort of chapter and explain what happens between scenes, and don't really jump from one thing straight into the action.
I look forward to seeing Lily tracking down her past, and how she reacts. 10/10 and plz update soon. And also thanks for the mention in your A/N.

Author's Response: I'm working on the update, its going slow though. I'm stuck actually. The journey is going to be the next chapter... but I'm not sure to start a week, month or year into the journey or right away when she gets there. I'm glad you liked my chapter. Thanks for the Rating.

 Report Review

Review #6, by Lemonpeeps Prologue

29th November 2011:
Just answering your review much later than I expected but I'm still here!! So I thought that you should maybe go along with what the movies said before Voldemort kills Lily. I think that's the most acceptable and I've read other fics that have used it and it goes along quite nicely. Have him say like "Stand aside silly girl."

Other than that I thought this went along very well! Maybe be more descriptive in the writing. Show us what Voldemort is doing by describing what's going on. Telling a story is boring, showing a story will make it come to life and become a reality.

Author's Response: thanks for the review.

 Report Review

Review #7, by Emerald_Eyed_Bookworm Planning a journy, speaking Italian and accusations.

8th November 2011:
Again well done!! I'm anxious to see where Lily adventures take her. My issue here is with the minister, although he is not yet an established character (which I'm sure he will be soon), his personality somewhat flip flops and I am unsure of who he feels for - himself, Lily, or Sirius.

In regards to your beta reader help wanted sign : ), I'll be more than happy to beta read for you. I love the plot line of your story, it's like a copper pan that just needs a bit of polishing for it to shine. :D

Author's Response: Awesome! Thanks! I'll take you up on that. Just PM me via the Forums and i'll be glad to to have a beta!

 Report Review

Review #8, by Emerald_Eyed_Bookworm Of seeking truth and burning evidence.

8th November 2011:
Love! Love! Love! Much better than the prologue! It was very compelling and save a few grammer errors (Sorry, can't help myself) the plot was weaved together well. Clicking on to the next chapter . . .

Author's Response: *Smiles* Thanks, I'm really glad you like it. I'm working on Grammar.

 Report Review

Review #9, by Emerald_Eyed_Bookworm Prologue

8th November 2011:
Ok, I know you told me not to worry about grammer, but I did . . . .which except for a few misspellings was fine as far as I could tell. : ) I like the idea of your story so far, the way you set up your prologue made it convincing to click the button to the next chapter. However, my main issue with this chapter is the writing. You don't need to have the characters speak every action or tell us their every move. Just rely on your story line (which is brilliant!) and write from there. My best advice is to trust your story : ). Another tip for writing is to pick up a favorite author's writing style and try to copy it in your story. Trust me, I've done this myself when I have trouble.

Author's Response: Thanks, I'll try to work on that.

 Report Review

Review #10, by Jade Sterling Planning a journy, speaking Italian and accusations.

8th November 2011:
Just a small thing... I don't think they would say dollars, as Italy has never had a dollar! From 1861 - 2002 Italy's currency was the lira (plural lire,) so it would be 5 lire. :p

Author's Response: Thanks for the tip, I used a translator and it translated that way so it stays for now, but if and when i'll edit i'll be sure t change that.

 Report Review

Review #11, by magicmuggle01 Of seeking truth and burning evidence.

26th October 2011:
This story really has me chomping at the bit to know more. The idea of Lily having her memory modified and put into some sort of wizarding protection programme really grabbed my attention. Though Lily can be a determined person. Another 10/10, adding to favs and plz update soon. FEED MY IMAGINATION.

Author's Response: Chapter 3 has just been posted and validated, thanks for the add and the review. Its appreciated.

 Report Review

Review #12, by Beeezie Prologue

26th October 2011:
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!

The idea behind this story is an interesting one - not only the general, "what if Lily survived?" but the more specific idea of a witness-protection type program for witches. There's a lot that you could do with that idea, and it's not one that I think I've seen before.

However, I do think that your story could use some work.

I noticed a lot of mechanical issues: your word choice and sentence construction was sometimes a little awkward, and I noticed a lot of typos ("there"/"their", for example, and misplaced capitals) and spelling errors (it's "Alohomora" not "Alohamora," "Avada Kedavra" not "Avanda Kendavra," "Voldemort" not "Voldermort," "Dumbledore" not "Dumbledor," "McGonagall" not "Mcgonagall," and "Privet Drive" not "Pivite Drive").

You also frequently miscapitalized/punctuated around dialogue tags. There's a great article on them under "Grammar Guidelines" in the forums that I highly recommend checking out, but I'll give a quick overview. A dialogue tag is used to identify the speaker ("he said," "she replied," etc). A dialogue tag never start with a capital letter, unless the first word is a proper name. For example: ["What did Sirius say?" she asked], never ["What did Sirius say?" She asked]. This is because the dialogue tag is not actually its own sentence - it exists only as part of the dialogue. If a dialogue tag immediately follows a section of dialogue, you should never end the dialogue in a period - if you would generally use a period, use a comma instead. For example, ["I love you, James," she said], not ["I love you, James." she said.] or ["I love you, James." She said.]

A beta would really help to pick those things up - I know that it can be hard to find them, but the betas wanted section has picked up some in the past couple weeks, and while it's definitely annoying to have to wait on their schedule, I think it's usually worth it, especially when you're prone to typos and spelling errors, you know? Many of us are, and there's no shame in that, but I know that at least for me, it chops up the flow a lot and makes the story less attractive to me.

There were also a lot of little details that didn't tally with canon, and if that was intentional, I think that you should include a note at the beginning saying that you were changing things around, because otherwise, it just looks a little sloppy. For example, Lily and James were killed on Halloween, not in early October, and it was the year after Harry was born - Harry was exactly 1 year and 3 months old, not barely four months. I was also under the impression that Lily and James already knew that the Death Eaters knew about the prophecy - that was why they went into hiding in the first place. Additionally, I'm fairly certain that Voldemort didn't bring minions, and even if he did, I'm not sure why they felt the need to get away so quickly - why would the Ministry be coming already, and how would the Death Eaters know that?

There were also other things that didn't contradict canon, but just didn't make a whole lot of sense. Why would the Ministry contact James and Lily through Sirius, and why would they be contacting them in the first place? They went into hiding based on the tip from Dumbledore, not because of the Ministry. Additionally, at the end you have McGonagall turn into a cat and run back to Hogwarts. She was south of London; she ran all the way back to Scotland??? Why?? And, obviously and most importantly, why did both Lily and Harry survive?

I also felt that Voldemort was a bit OoC. He was calling Lily by name, and that felt very odd to me. In Harry's memories, Voldemort always referred to Lily as "girl," and talking to Harry, she was his "mudblood mother" or something similar. Calling her "Lily" indicates a certain familiarity and intimacy that didn't ring true to me, you know? Neither did Dumbledore and McGonagall conversations at the end, though to a much lesser extent.

Some questions are good, because it leaves the reader wanting more. However, that's only true to an extent, and it needs to be handled carefully, because too many questions just leave the reader confused. I'm curious about why Lily didn't die, and what will happen with Harry, but there are so many questions that I have that it's a bit overwhelming, and I'm not hooked enough to want to keep reading, you know?

I really do think that this is an interesting idea, and that it has a lot of potential. However, I would strongly recommend looking over your details again and trying to find a beta, because that would (in my opinion) make the story much stronger.

Author's Response: Thanks Beezie, I'll keep your suggestions in mind, and grab a fix to the mechanical problems as well as make a disclaimer. I like my story as is, minus the grammar and spelling mistakes. I know it doesn't stay true to the books, but that is what, in my opinion, Fan fiction can be. I'll make a disclaimer saying things are different, maybe, i'll change the day they were killed, but not sure yet. I appreciate your time, this will be helpful in the future. As to questions, the will be answered later... i don't have a story if the mystery is known in the first chapter.

 Report Review

Review #13, by magicmuggle01 Prologue

26th October 2011:
I like the start of your story. It's eye catching and grabs the imagination. It'll be interesting to see where you go with this. I give you 10/10 and move onto the next chapter.

Author's Response: Thanks, glad you enjoyed it!

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login