Hi, magnolia_magic here from the forums!
I really enjoyed reading this one-shot. It's very different from the things I normally see, and I think you've done a great job with it!
I absolutely LOVE your descriptive style here...your word choice is excellent, and I was instantly drawn in. From the very beginning, you set up this eerie, chilling tone that is so perfect for a story like this. And there is something so heartbreaking about seeing Rose this way. I felt her helplessness and her desperation...she just seemed very real to me. So basically, the description was awesome, and I don't think it was overdone at all.
I also really liked the way you integrated the nursery rhyme. I like that you have Rose interacting with the words, instead of just randomly throwing them in there. And it just adds to the creepiness of it all :)
Overall your flow is good, but I do think you could have done more with the plot of this story. I mean, you set up this fantastic mysterious mood, but I wouldn't have minded a little more clarity in some parts. By the end, I was so frustrated because I felt like I was missing the point of the whole thing.
What happened to Scorpius? The line "What was done could not be undone, and at least he was now silent" makes me think Rose killed him. Or did someone else kill him, and Rose just went mad with grief?
I do think it's really good that you didn't answer this question directly: it definitely adds to the suspense if you leave the reader wondering a little bit. But I do think your hints about what happened should be a little stronger. That way there would still be lingering questions, but the reader won't feel completely clueless and lost. You could reveal just a tad more, and still keep the creepy, suspenseful vibe you've established so well :)
Overall, I thought this one-shot was fantastic! You definitely have a way with words, and this story is such a great change from the usual. Thanks so much for requesting!
--MaggieAuthor's Response: Thank you for the lovely review :)
I'm glad you liked it; I did have fun describing the creepy conditions :) That's really encouraging to hear that you liked the description, I usually get too carried away with setting the scene, and forget everything else.
Thanks, I love that nursery rhyme; it starts off quite cheerful but ends in horror, so lovely for little children to sing :P
I see what you mean, yes, it was too ambiguous in some places and I probably should have clarified some aspects of the story. I love reading stories that allow the reader to provide the backstory and interpret certain elements as they wish, but I totally realise that such vagueness can get irritating, so apologies for that.
Yes, you're onto it. I was trying to hint that Rose had been the victim in a controlling relationship with Scorpius, and had eventually become so frustrated that she killed him. Now she regrets it, especially as he (or so she thinks) is about to exact revenge.
I will however, endeavour harder in future stories to develop the plot more, just as you advise. I'll definitely take your advice into consideration, it'll be really useful, so thank you for that. Perhaps I might get round to editing this, and I'll definitely add 'just a bit more'.
Thank you! I'm glad you thought it was a change :) Your review was very lovely and helpful. Report Review
Hello, this is Chocolate_Frog from the forums here with your review! :)
I think that this was a very well-written one-shot. The lines of the nursery rhyme flowed well with the story, and the innocence of it seemed to contrast well with the darkness of the context, so well done. I also liked how we were kept in the dark at the beginning, and slowly learned more about the mysterious couple (Rose and Scorpius, right?) as it progresses, so kudos on that. :D
I didn't see anything wrong with your writing--it's wonderful-- but I did see a few mistakes that a quick edit should fix up in no time:
+ "Bitter moonlight floods her mouth"
^ Maybe add an "into" after floods, so the sentence flows more freely? The phrasing seems a bit awkward to me at the moment.
+ "You owe me five farthings, says the bells of St Martin's. "
^ Just a little typo, you forgot a period after the "St". xD
~Chocolate_FrogAuthor's Response: Hello there,
Thank you for the lovely review, it was very encouraging. I'm glad that you liked my story, and in particular the mystery surrounding the couple (yes, Rose and Scorpius) :). I have read so many happy Rose and Scorpius next gens, so I decided that an angsty-darkish one shot was in order :) Thanks, I will keep those corrections in mind when I get round to editing it. Once again, thank you very much for the lovely review :) Report Review
Amazing. Perfect writing, creepy, sad, utterly beautiful. 10/10Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it :) Report Review
Such an absolutely dark story! The first sentence is very creepy and sets the tone for the rest of the story- great job with that. I loved how you interwove the lines from the nursery rhyme into the story- they added a sort of mystery to the story.
And there definitely was mystery! Who was the girl? That doesn't really matter. Who was the boy? That doesn't really matter. But the other questions- what did she do? What sort of romantic relationship did they have? Why does she feel guilty? My guess would be that she killed him... and now she waits for her judgement.
Your description really adds to the story. They are creepy, suspense-filled and give terrific imagery. And then the ending really put it all together. You've done a great job with writing this!Author's Response: Thank you so much for that lovely review, you honestly made my day :)
Oo mystery :D Yes, I purposely made it somewhat ambiguous to add that element of mystery, and it's also interesting, I think to see how people interpret the story. I think you're on to it, though :D
Thanks again, I did enjoy writing this story, and reading reviews like this one makes me so happy!
Wow. Just wow. Your really talented! I don't know how to say how good this was, it was just... wow!Author's Response: Wow! Thank you very much for the lovely review! You're very encouraging! Report Review
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