Wow, the opening paragraph of this story was very intense and powerful. You write the sadistic, power-hungry characters so well! I really feel like you're able to get into their heads and express their anger to the readers perfectly. (That's a complement - I swear! :P) I'm really curious as to who the man is that caused all of the destruction. I'm guessing it's Salazar since this is supposed to be a founder's story, but I'm not sure.
I loved the contrast between all of the devastation that you were describing and the peaceful appearance of Rowena. I could picture her almost floating through the scene of muggles so gracefully and almost god-like while not being able to help all of the people in pain around her for her own safety. One suggestion I have is to not repeat unique words too often. I noticed that you used the word hamlet (an amazing word by the way) 3 times so it really stood out to me.
The imagery you created for the reader was really wonderful from the carpet of bodies and the smoke filled skies to the regal blue robes of Rowena with her sapphire diadem. Something I really enjoy about your writing is that every single word has a place and a purpose which makes reading your work very enjoyable. I really wish you would continue this story!
Alli Report Review
I thought this was a really intriguing beginning. I'm very curious about the first part of the chapter, I have a feeling I know who it is, but what I really want to know is why is he so angry. What is it that makes him hate muggles and muggle-borns so much? I think it would have to be something very serious for him to go on such a rampage as this. So, I hope that that is explained eventually...
The second part of the story was a little more confusing. I didn't really feel that much emotion coming from Rowena. You have her walking through the destruction calmly and unaffected as if she doesn't see all the destruction around her. I understand why she hides herself, because she'd clearly stand out and people would be begging her for help, but you say she hides herself with ignorance, and I didn't really get that bit, or at least, it sounds more like she's being ignorant of them for hiding herself. I don't know.
And the first sentence in her third paragraph confused me where she says "followed the trail of destruction for a couple of kilometres because setting up camp in a patch of woodland." I don't know if you just put in the wrong word or left something out (which I understand because I do that all the time) but the sentence just didn't make sense to me. And why did she build a structure anyway if she was going to keep walking throughout the night? And then in the last paragraph, when she apparates she lands "in a heap on the floor," which I don't think is something a well-practiced witch would do. I could understand it with a portkey or even floo or even if they were apparating for the first time, but with apparition it seems like they always land on their feet so that just struck me as weird.
But even though I'm still confused, even after reading this several times, I do like the writing style. I think it fits the era of the founders and other than that one sentence it was easy to read. And I do hope you continue the story so we can find out who's doorstep she showed up on and what's going to happen next.
xxEnigmaticEyes16 Report Review
Hi there. :)
I'm at work and I can't get any communication on the forums or my phone so I decided to come to the archive to read. here I am!
I really liked this. I liked the "chaos. Burning. Destruction", the way this chapter lead in. Reminded me a bit of my poetry when I was younger... hahahaha
Anyway, I especially liked the first little paragraph where you began. It was good and it did a great job of showing what was going on. I'm surprised that YOU chose to wrote about Rowena, given your distaste for Ravenclaws. hahaha.
Also I have to say that maybe it's just me, but I didn't realize that hamlet was a real word, and apparently a place. I learned something super new today. hahahaha.
I did like this a lot, I'll say toward the very end the landing the graveyard happened quite quickly and I was like wait, what?! I had to go back and read it again and then it made a little more sense. Silly me and my quick reaidng. That's because I spend too much time in the queue. ANYWAY-
I enjoyed this a lot and I don't know if you plan to add to it, but if you do, you should let me know when :)Author's Response: Hello there... :)
I'm really pleased that you liked this. The start to me were the three words that I thought of when I pictured the scene in this chapter, so I thought that was the way that I wanted to start.
I think that this story really only suits Ravenclaw, as she's the one with the best perspective and view of the story.
Hamlet? Real place? *nods* There are so many variations to the definition, but they definitely exist. :D
The end? That's something that I may look to work on soon, if I look to continue this.
Thanks again! Report Review
Back again. :)
I liked this chapter. I thought that you did a great job at contextualizing the situation enough for me to get absorbed in it, while still leaving enough unexplained that I want to keep reading to find out the answers to some of the questions that have arisen. (Also, I love Founders era, and the premise of this is a lot of fun.)
My major issue was actually with some of your grammar and word choice. It seemed a little choppy at times; for example, "Hello Rowena, come on inside" seemed a little anachronistic ("come on inside" as opposed to "come inside"), and I felt like the bit about Rowena's shelter was a little rushed. Something that I've noticed is that your chapters are all quite short - that's not a bad thing, necessarily, especially for the first chapter of a story, but a little more detail in this one would improve it, I think. :)
Good job, and I'm interested to read what happens next! :)Author's Response: Thank you! :)
I like this chapter too, even though I know there are some serious mistakes in it.
The thing with the "come on inside" never really occurred to me, but I do see what you mean. I think I wrote it as I imagined his dialect to be, but that's something I could look at changing. :)
Hopefully I'll update this soon! Thanks for the review!:) Report Review
Hey! It's me again! I'm still saying thanks to all your hard work. I really appreciated it and so did many others!
It's funny that until a few months ago I refused to read Founder's. I'm serious. If I clicked on a chapter and saw the name Rowena or Salazar or anything founder related then I just stopped reading automatically but then one of my favorite author's started a founder's story and I fell in love with the era. So, I was pleasantly surprised when I saw Rowena's name!
Another short piece from you, you're actually really good at writing short pieces. I think you're able to pack so much into one sentence, one word even (because your word choice is wonderful) that more isn't necessary. Though I would like to see how you would write a chapter that's maybe 600 words or 1,000 words longer.
I imagine that the person that was angry with the 'mudbloods' had to be Salazar. I thought his anger was a perfect way to start the chapter. It made me wonder if there's a war going on, if there's some sort of battle or what, that I just wanted to read more. Then you switched off to Rowena and painted these pictures for me so I could see the destruction around her and this slender woman just invisible to the world. How interesting! Seriously, I want to know what happens next because I want to know how they're going to deal with what's going on while using magic since it's a crime punishable by death. I always wonder, just because they're magical, would they all really be able to protect themselves if they were going to be burned or thrown in the water or whatever by Muggles. Would they want to save themselves with magic or would the magical folk accept the end only because a) they have shown magic to muggles and b) they can't freely do magic or would have to be on the run, even though they could simply Obliviate someone's mind or whatever it is they want to do. I don't know, I feel like some would accept the death penalty while others would use magic to get them out of their predicament.
Anyway, sorry for my ramblings. I hope you continue this!Author's Response: There is honestly no need to thank me, I should be thanking you!
Founders' isn't my favourite era either actually, but I started writing it first. Odd. But I do love it still, obviously.
Again, I'm so glad you are okay with it being short. I don't know what to say about word choice though, haha. The next chapter for this would definitely be longer (it probably won't now I've said that, but hopefully).
I don't want to give too much away for certain, but I'm glad you're forming these thoughts, because that was the question that I wanted to leave lingering. Why?
I'm glad you enjoyed the two views, that was something I was unsure about. This will be written predominantly from following Ravenclaw now, because I want to explore how she feels about the storyline.
And the death of witches and wizards? In a later chapter, when I finally carry on, I do have something planned to explain this! Not yet though, nothing's certain.
I will definitely continue it after such a kind review! Thanks again! :) Report Review
Oh, a Founders story! Did you know that when I first started reading fanfiction, I would only read Founders fics? I still have a soft spot for them.
Hm, I wonder, could the angry wizard who is setting fire to everything be Salazar Slytherin? I'm just guessing based on the era and the attitutes he apparently had toward non-Purebloods. Anyway, whoever it was, that first part was rather chilling! What a scary individual. I'm not eager to meet him in a dark alley.
Overall, I enjoyed your description of Rowena moving through the destruction of the village. I thought you did a good job of capturing the contrast and the overall atmosphere, as well as giving us a feel for who she is and how she thinks. It's a nice introduction to the story.
However, I would advise you not to get too bogged down in your descriptions. I think sometimes you are wanting to describe every detail you are picturing in your own mind, which can be too much, and it often leads to somewhat convoluted sentences. I recognize this tendency very much from my own writing, because I often find myself doing the same thing. It's something just to be aware of, because it can wind up being quite distracting to the reader.
I did notice one mistake: The phrase is to wreak havoc rather than to wreck havoc. Also, Muggle is a word JKR capitalized (she capitalized most of the magical words she invented).
I feel like I'm kind of ending on a down note here (I'm a bad sandwich method reviewer), so I'm going to add this: Keep it up! Judging from all two chapters I've read, I think you know how to make a hooking beginning to a story.Author's Response: Founders' is awesome! I love them so much, and was really glad to write this.
I'd definitely not like to meet them in a dark alley. Although I wouldn't see them, so maybe I could be a chicken and hide. NO! GRYFFINDOR COURAGE :) ...sorry about that. I type as I think.
I'm glad you like the introduction to Ravenclaw. I think this will definitely be written following her, and her encounters with the others.
Descriptions are my weak spot. I always worry about not having enough description, and so add it in if I can. That's obviously something for me to improve.
Thanks for the review, and these reviews have made me so happy, a down ending won't spoil my good mood! :) Thanks again! Report Review
No this was not awful. I like the start of this story. You put alot into this short chapter without giving to much away, and you know how to make a person want to come back for more. So 9/10 and plz update soon. Adding to favs.
If you like founders stories, I have one on the go if your interested.Author's Response: WOW! Thank you!
This has just made my day! I mean, I tried to end it somewhere, and I'm glad that you liked how it's written!
I am writing a second chapter, so hopefully I will have an update soon!
I'll definitely come to read and review your story :)
Thanks again for such a wonderful review! :) Report Review
Hehe, Founders Story! Continueh, please!
/End whiny review
Hmm, what do I think of this. A lot of things in fact. I love that you write Founders and I loved the style you wrote this. Though, I just gonna warn you: be aware of the fact that this is really oldstyle. You are before the Roses War, the Hundred Years' War and mainly writing in a time of a lot of wars and such. And I'm not so sure actually if witchcraft was actually a crime punished by dead in that time...
Anyway! I'll stop being the history-freak now (I couldn't help myself). So, as I said before: I loved the style you wrote this in, it's loads of mystery and I wanna know whose house she's at & who la murderer is... or are they the same person?? Too much NCIS, so sorry.
You should put slash in this! Salazar/Godric for the win! Okay, no, don't do it, it probably wouldn't work out in the story, would it? And being gay was not okay those daaays *history nerd* Ahum.. I must be honest, I haven't looked at the genres... hehe. Will there be a spark of romance? There must be! She should date the killer and get killed herself and then, BAM! Baf! Godric comes to save the day - accidentally killing Helga - and he and Salazar live happily ever after!! Okay, sorry, ignore my slashy mood. I am too active on this moment...
I'm gonna stop this review, nothing helpful will be written anymore, I think XD Hehe... see, even my english fails a little (much).
Happy Holidays! from Slythy house
xOSBAuthor's Response: Thank you! Happy Holidays to you too.
I kind of had the same question about the witchcraft issue, but the way I thought about it was that it was likely to have been frowned upon, especially with the appearance of the earliest Monasteries in Britain. The Church surely wouldn't have liked the idea of witchcraft, and it might have scared people. But it is a valid point; the start of the story depends on it, and I guess that's why I overlooked the history slightly.
The man in the house? All will be revealed soon... Honestly, I'm halfway through re-writing chapter two. I wanted to carry on again now, so I am :) I love how you're thinking about who the character is / characters are. That will become clear in the next one/two chapters.
No love interests, I think it's pretty safe to say that. I can't imagine the Founders' in relationships very well, and I didn't feel like including it and making a bad job, because I like the plot idea that I have. Although your plot idea is interesting! :P
Thanks for reviewing! Report Review
Well, first off, love the summary. It's very powerful, indeed. Now onto the real review-
How dare you say it was awful! It was in fact, far, faaar from it. I know how difficult it is to write down a Founders' Era fic. You have to grasp the language, the dialogue (although it may not be difficult for you :P), and you did very well. I love the starting- straight into the action.
Rowena- hmm..I liked how you described her. As well, how you mentioned she wasn't excellent in duelling spells. Most people describe the founders as perfect, so it was nice to see that she was, despite all, human. :)
One question though- why couldn't she help the muggles. As you said, she was invisible, /and/ a witch. She could have easily have gotten away from those ailing muggles and the latter could have attributed getting healed to a miracle of God or something? Just an idea...
A typo I spotted: Composing herself, she hurredly walked towards the street ~ hurriedly, right?
Nevertheless, this was a fantastic start to what I'm sure is going to be a great fic, should you choose to continue it! I'm so intrigued and curious to know who that mystery person is, to whom she goes.
Great work! :DAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review!
I guess I've began to fall in love with this story again, so there might even be an update soon! Spooky...
Thanks for reviewing, I'm glad that you enjoyed it! Report Review
Hi! I tagged you a little earlier and I aplogise for not sending my review earlier. Actually I did bit it's like it didn't record... I have no clue what happened but this is take two and it starts now!
What a chilling opening chapter! You did a wonderful job with the descriptions and especially with so little words. The scenery and the action was very vivid.
The character of Rowena Ravenclaw was interesting. It will definitly be something else to see her interact with the rest of the world (instead of hiding!). You so far seem to have managed to keep the historical features alive and respect the habits of that timeline. I hope you can keep it up because it really has great potential. Great job!Author's Response: Thank you!
I did abandon it, but after NaNo I really want to carry on. This weekend I will be nearly finished with Chapter two, which I'm excited about. I'm happy I did stop though, because what I had written isn't very good... so I'm rewriting it.
Thanks again for reviewing! Report Review
This chapter managed to get a lot across in a small amount of space, so well done there!
The descriptions were very effective, and we really got a clear picture of the chaos, death and destruction that was ravaging its way through the towns.
There might be a little confusion as to who the villain in the first paragraph is, but then again it might be important to the plot that we're not supposed to know who it is.
The ending of the chapter was an effective cliff hanger, and we are left wondering who Rowena is meeting with and what their plans are.
It might help a little bit to just make the chapter a little longer, maybe by adding some more background information or describing the events a little more in depth. But it is a very good introduction to the plot as it is.Author's Response: Thank you!
I am looking at reviving this story soon, so hopefully I can eliminate mistakes and all will become clearer. :)
I have a couple of versions of chapter two, but neither are what I would see as the perfect progression, so I will try to start rewriting it!
Thanks for reviewing, I will try to improve this based on your feedback! :) Report Review
So I liked this chapter. You're obviously still working through some typos, but I gather from your responses to your other reviews that you're aware of that, so I won't dwell on those.
My biggest suggestion is that I think your writing could benefit tremendously from a good beta reader. I know that those are hard to come by around here, but for you it would be well worth the effort. You have a very interesting premise and you've clearly put a lot of thought into it. I love your descriptiveness and your use of language. So it really pains me to see this beautiful tapestry you're weaving interrupted by silly little mistakes.
I really liked the insights you offered the reader into Rowena's thought processes. I think you probably could have expanded that part a lot without giving anything away. I agree 100% with the other reviewers who said that this should have been longer. There were so many interesting things going on, but a lot of them just came up a little short.
Your ending, aside from the bit about whether she landed in or on a heap, was good. I find myself really wanting to know where she is and who she is meeting with. So don't be a stranger with your chapter updates. ;)Author's Response: Thank you!
Yeah, I know about the typos, and will hopefully go through and get rid of them in an update.
Thanks for the suggestion about a beta... I haven't looked at this story for a while, and maybe getting a beta to start going over things would be good :)
Thank you for reviewing! :) Report Review
Hello there, hun! I'm here with your review as requested. I want to apologize for the long wait. My queue has just been huge lately, and I've been pretty bogged down with everything going, but I finally made time for this. And I'm so glad! I'm glad you requested and introduced me to this great story.
You seem to be off to a great start. This was fairly short, but I understand that this is somewhat of a prologue and everything, and that's perfectly fine. Not a big deal.
The thing I find important about opening chapters is that it is enthralling enough to make your reader want more and to continue on to the next chapter. I think that is the vital part of the first chapter of a mulch-chaptered story, and you definitely did that here in this first chapter. You really pulled me in and made me want to continue on, and I'm actually sad that there isn't another chapter for me to read.
You did well with starting it off in a captivating way. You made me want to know what was going on, and it definitely set the tone for the rest of the chapter. It kept me on the edge of my seat the entire time, and I wanted more desperately.
Really well done. While it was short, you did a great job with getting all the moods and events across in the story perfectly. I loved the opening paragraph. The short, abrupt, single-worded sentences. I find those a brilliant way to set the mood and pull the reader in. You definitely did that with me here in this chapter. I immediately knew how to feel and I was intrigued right off the bat.
But the scene before that was even better, I thought. The time period first off was great, and your word choice and sentence structure really did great with making me want to know what was going on.
The rest of the chapter kept that same mood for me. You really did a great job. This was fantastic.
So far, I like the way you write Rowena. She is a unique founders in this, and I love your characterization of her. Really great.
I think you definitely have a good set up. Really nice job here, and I can't wait to see how the rest of it goes.
I think I passed a few mistakes here and there, but nothing major. There were maybe only a few spelling errors or comma misplacings, but nothing major and stuff that was really easy to overlook. There were also a few times when I thought you used a preposition that wasn't quite suited and it just kind of made the flow slightly rocky.
One in particular in the last chapter was this:
Landing on a heap on the floor
This here makes it seem that she, in fact, lands on a heap of something when we actually know that she is landing in. There were a few other things like this that I noticed, but I just remember that one in particular. :)
All in all, really great. Fantastic job. I'm so glad you requested this from me! Be sure to come request again when the next chapter is up, and I hope this review was somewhat helpful! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! I've just looked over and can begin to see the mistakes... I'm rubbish at doing it for my own work usually :L
I'll edit it soon, and hopefully add the next chapter, but at the moment I don't feel like finishing Chapter 2... other fish to fry :L
Thanks again for taking the time to review! Report Review
Oh, Hi there! I bet you're shocked to see a review from me! :P
This was a great start. Your description was excellent, and I could really imagine myself in the scene, among the chaos. I really liked Rowena's thoughts on the things happening around her, and also the characterisation you've already given her.
The only thing I can think of to criticise is that it could possibly benefit from being longer. Looking forwards to more chapters. ^_^
Leanne.Author's Response: I know it needs to be longer, but having nearly finished the next chapter, this seems like an introduction... haha :L
Thanks so much for the review, it is really helpful to hear what you think about the story... plus it seems to boost my ego a bit! :L Report Review
Wow this was great (Though a little short). I did like your writing style quite alot, it makes the story to follow, I really did like the bit were you first introduced Rowena because it made her sound so important and Magical which she is :) Cant wait for chapter 2 xAuthor's Response: Thank you! I know it's short, although the second chapter is longer, maybe this is more of an introduction. :)
I'm finishing Chapter 2 now, I will have it in the queue by the end of the week. (I'm hoping it's much sooner, though)
Thanks again for reviewing! :) Report Review
Wonderfully written. You have some very good details making the piece real. The story line is wonderful in and of its self. There were some words here and there that I questioned the choice on. Very minor editing details over all. I loved it! I would've liked it to be a tad longer because I felt like I had just gotten to know the character and then it was over. However you did leave me wanting more which is good. I can't wait for the next chapter!
Keep writing! :)
KalkayAuthor's Response: Thank you!!! Wow, this is exciting! :L
I know that I write short chapters, but I will make sure that I update quickly. :)
Again, thank you so much for such a kind review! I'm off to work on finalising Chapter 2 now! :D Report Review
Terms of Service
categories & genres
short story collection