Okay. Wow. I haven't been sad about a story having very few chapters in a looong time. You write so well! And I find that Harry is a very convincing OC for a Marauders story, since I find (and I'm sure others as well) that they tend to be... Well, over the top. But Harry and your other OC's are just perfect in that sense, so thank you for being awesome and writing them in as such. ;)
Also, can we just talk about the Transfiguration scene? Definitely my favorite so far. I snorted a lot, kind of like Violet. Except no boogies splurted out of my nose (thank goodness!). That part actually made me go "AWWW SIIICKKK", and then I had to put my face in my hands because it reminded me of a time a friend of mine had done the same thing, though it landed on my cheek. Worst moment of my life thus far, haha.
Aaaannyways, I can't wait for a new chapter, and to see what you've got next. (:
10/10 Report Review
Oh yay, I was the first reviewer! Haha(:
This chapter's fine, I'd have liked more Sirius-Harry interaction, though. But I suppose that comes later? Keep writing, I'm starting to really like Harry!Author's Response: Yay, thanks for another review! Harry/Sirius interaction comes in the next chapter, I was trying to set the scene a bit first and allow readers to get to know Harry a little before he entered.
But, he's coming up in chapter 3 :D Thanks so much for reviewing! And I'm glad you like Harry, I've never written an OC before so I'm very...nervous lol Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! :)
First off, I love (love, love) Marauder's, so even if I'm nitpicky (and I probably will be), I will almost certainly be enjoying it up until the very end, provided you do them any justice at all. Judging by your writing so far, I think that you will.
Without further ado -
- Formatting on here can definitely be annoying, so I have no idea whether or not this was intentional, but you have a lot of spaces in between each paragraph. One is necessary, two is fine, but this looks like four or five, and that's not necessary.
- Dialogue is mostly fine, but I would have liked a little more description of what the setting and the people looked like. You talked about what they did, but didn't give much of a visual. This is my weakest point, as well, but I think it's worth improving on.
- This is a purely stylistic opinion of mine, but I typically prefer and recommend using past tense over present tense. In English, at least, people are far more used to past tense than present in general; newspapers, the news, magazine, non-fiction books - it's pretty much all told in past tense. Moreover, people are used to hearing/reading stories in the past tense, because that's how the vast majority are written. Reading present tense feels odd for most people, and while they can adjust, it takes some getting used to, where past tense feels immediately natural. A good rule of thumb is that present tense should only be used where there is a reason it works better than past. Jane Eyre is actually a great example of that - not sure if you've read it, but Charlotte Bronte wrote most of it in past tense and used present to great effect a few times to emphasize a sense of deep longing on Jane's part - it throws it into focus in a way that past tense doesn't, in part because it's a departure from the status quo. However, when it's used for the entire story, it often feels jarring - kind of similar to italicizing/bolding a few words as opposed to an entire page. It also means that you need to talk about everything exactly as its happening or risk confusing the reader. One area that stood out to me was her packing her trunk - that was just a little awkward, and in past tense it would have flowed fine. That's just me; again, it's a stylistic choice, and you aren't wrong by using present tense. It's become more popular lately, and maybe it's just my focus on the classics that makes me averse to it. (This turned out to be very long. Sorry. English major. Oops.)
- Your organization of the story and pacing so far is good. Starting a story with going to King's Cross is done very, very often, especially in Marauder's fics, but I actually think that that's a good thing, especially when you're writing an OC, because it gives a nice snapshot into your OC's life. You were able to work her relationship with her mother, her friendship with Sirius, and her issues with some of her housemates in very seamlessly and without turning it into an info dump, and that's a good thing.
- Harry: How Harry reacts to packing, the station, and the people she sees on the train tells us a lot about who she is - I definitely feel that I got a sense of who she is as a person. I'm not totally sure how realistic she is yet, because I haven't seen enough of her in contexts that might be problematic, but I like your choice of making her a Slytherin and clearly not of pureblood status. I don't see this enough, and I think that it's important to acknowledge that there are plenty of reasons to be in Slytherin that don't involve blood purity insanity.
- Her mother: Fun and definitely realistic. I especially loved the "character building" comment about dishwashing. Perfect.
- Regulus: He's really the only character of note in this chapter, and I liked the way you did him. People often write Regulus as having a heart of gold, but he did run off to become a death eater, and his eventual reform was more about house elves than muggleborns. His being nasty is good. It's not necessarily a common take on him, but it is a very realistic one.
Hopefully that was helpful, and I'm sorry about the long past/present tense debate. In closing, I do like this story, and would be interested in reading more as you post it! :)Author's Response: Wow, this was so quick! Firstly, thank you so much for reviewing, it really means a lot and yours is really helpful :)
The formatting: this was a mistake, I think for the rest of the chapters I'll just use the simple editor to try and avoid the abysses between each paragraph because they really annoy me and I know they can be hard to read so sorry about that!
Ah, yeah. I'm very wary of the fact that when I start describing things I often go overboard and then bore people, but now you've mentioned it I can see that I've included literally no detail. I'm worried about going to much into peoples' descriptions mostly because a lot of people have told me that describing your OC in great detail is often a sign of Mary-Sue-ism, which I most definitely want to avoid, so I tried to slip little bits of her in, which is something I'll work on doing with the setting too. Thanks for pointing that out because I totally would never have realised xD
No worries about the length, it's all relevant! I debated long and hard over which tense to use but eventually settled on present for a few reasons, the two major ones being that I thought it'd be a lot easier to get inside Harry's head to write it this way and also, I've never written something in this tense before so I thought I'd try it out and see what it was like. It's very provisional at the moment; I'm going to try it for a few chapters and then decide whether to keep it or go back and edit :)
The start was something I was also unsure of, because I'm very aware of how many stories start with going to King's Cross. I originally wrote a prologue to put at the beginning but decided to scrap it, so I'm glad you liked it, because it was worrying me quite a lot.
I have to point out that Harry's not a Slytherin, sorry D: I must have been too vague - she went down to the Slytherin end of the train in order to find Regulus, but she's actually a Gryffindor (I know a lot of OCs are but she just doesn't fit anywhere else - as a character she's stubborn, loyal, hot-tempered, thick-skinned and reckless, not particularly clever, certainly too mean to be a Hufflepuff and I don't think she could be subtle or sly if her life depended on it). I was unsure about putting her there because of the general tendancy to have OCs in Gryffindor but when it came to it I figured I'd rather have her in the right house and risk people being annoyed at it xD Her brother, Jack, was a Slytherin though :) Sorry for the confusion!
Also very glad you thought my portrayal of Regulus was believeable - I find it very difficult to see him as being a golden boy, all sweetness and pleasantry - like you said, he did run off to be a Death Eater and with the family he grew up with I'd be surprised if he wasn't spoilt and slightly mean.
Thanks again for the review, it's got me thinking about a lot more about this and was really helpful! I'm glad you like it, the next chapter is in the queue if you're interested and sorry this reply is so long D: I tend to ramble a lot!
Thanks again! Report Review
Great first chapter! This was really well written, and the characters were interesting and had clear personalities. Interested to see what will happen, please update soon! =)Author's Response: Thank you so much for reviewing! I'm really glad you liked it and the characters, I'm trying really hard to keep them as believable as possible! The next chapter is in the queue and will hopefully be up soon :) Report Review
Awesome start! Very convincing characters, you set the scene well. It flows very well, and I hope you update soon!Author's Response: Thank you so much, not only for being the first reviewer but for such a nice review! I'm glad you thought the characters were convincing, that's one of my main points of focus for this fic - I'd like to make everything as realistic as possible :)
The next chapter is in the queue, thanks again! Report Review
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