I have to admit I read the prequel to this back in the day when I didnít see the point in reviewing and was also too scared too. I never actually realised that there was a sequel to this until I was about half-way through This Longing and I thought it made more sense to finish that first and then go onto this. Plus, this is completely different to This Longing so it will be nice to have a change. Ok that was enough rambling and on with the review!
Wow, I think thatís the first chapter image Iíve seen with animation, thatís really cool! First of all I really loved all the observations Rose made about all the people who lived near her, that really added something to the story and made it real. Plus, they were witty observations too and I couldnít help but crack up at them.
I think one of things which I really loved in the prequel and itís here again, is Roseís witty nature. She was quite cynical about the tourists, and I really loved that as it gave her some not so nice traits which writers tend to stray away from with her. If anything, I would have thought that the next gen characters would have more of them than their predecessors given the amount of fame they had to live when growing up.
Another thing I really liked in the prequel and Iím really happy to see back here is the use of flashbacks. You wove them into the present with ease and I didnít get confused at all. Theyíre acting almost as if theyíre hidden moments to the story, and I really love that. I mean, having an entire scene with Rose and Teddy flat shopping would be boring, but that little snippet was really sweet.
A minor point, but ĎTwenty-five, that was it. What a disconcerting age. One whole quarter century. It seemed like an eternity.Ď I get what Rose means. Whenever itís my birthday, Iím like woah have I really been alive for x amount of years.
I ♥ this line Ď"Dom" of course being short for "domestic goddess."í Iíve never ever seen her be a domestic goddess before, as sheís usually the one whoís always with the boys in next gen stories but I really loved that, and itís always great to see someone give the next gen characters an original portrayal once in a while.
I really love the complicated dynamics youíve created in the story. Itís interesting that Rose is fretting a lot about what Victoire will be like at the dinner due to her being with Teddy, yet she barely mentions anything about Lily and Scorpius, and you would have thought she would have been Victoire in that position. Iím really intrigued to see how that happens, as the original Weasley family all got along well, but youíve made the next generation more fractured than the previous.
I really liked Roseís encounter with the woman in the shop. For some reason Iíve always held a love for those obscure characters that only make a very minor appearance in one chapter, and as this woman fitted the bill it was great to have her there.
Iím so glad that I decided to pick this, as it really shows what an amazing author you because Welcome to Mars and This Longing really arenít that similar yet youíve made me love both!
-Kiana Report Review
I was (and still) a bit scared when I reading this because ScorRose is my almost OTP and I know how amazing you write, so I'm worried that by the time I finish reading this and WTA I'm going to be a Teddy/Rose shipper. *Sigh*. I probably will, your writing is just too convincing. :P
The chemistry between Teddy and Rose is fantastic ♥. And I love how there's little bits and pieces of humour through out the chapter, they definitely had me smiling all the way until the end!
I know anything about Victoire and Teddy's past relationship other that what you've told me here, but I am dreading the time when she and Rose meets. I can just imagine how awkward and serious that will be. Poor Rose.
Anyway, amazing story! I'm sorry if I'm not so helpful. It's probably because I haven't read WTA...I'll read it soon, I promise. Once I get over my slight fear of Teddy/Rose. XD
57th review out of 100Author's Response: Thank you for checking out this story! It means a lot to hear that this story can still appeal to Scorose shippers - it's the main worry of writing a story like this, since it goes against two very popular ships. For this story - and for WTA - it mostly relied on the portrayal of Scorpius, who is almost a disturbing character in his desire to control his surroundings. That's what I love about writing the next-generation: the ability to interpret the characters in multiple ways. Rose could have been more like her mother, and Scorpius less like his father, then perhaps it may have worked. But even then, one never knows.
What I'm trying to say is that this story isn't meant to convert you to Teddy/Rose. :P Don't worry! It'd be enough for me if you just like how their relationship develops over WTA and this story. It's fun to highlight their chemistry in little ways, and equally interesting to set it against the rough patches. This story is my exercise in writing a story without a formulaic plot... with very little plot at all, in fact. It's all about exploring characters and their relationships.
Speaking of which, the scene between Rose and Victoire will come soon enough. :P I'm hoping to include a handful of scenes between them because they differ in such tiny ways - enough for Teddy, but it's something that Rose finds herself questioning.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review this story! I'm so glad that you've enjoyed this chapter, and I'm sorry for rambling so long in my response. Report Review
I'm going to continue dive bombing your work because it's absolutely lovely to read. I really liked this chapter and I don't think there is a thing wrong with it. You character development continues to astonish me. Rose is absolutely wonderful and a deep character already. She seems to really hate the idea of revealing herself and her emotions to anyone, even Teddy. This is so relatable because I think a lot of people deal with that because they may fear rejection (From Teddy and her family). Maybe Rose fears that, or just committing to something that involves her emotions. I think that her past perhaps with Malfoy has taught her that, to guard herself because she's just waiting to get screwed over. I like how it's portrayed here though and you write it so naturally. The hints that you have are also really well mixed in and i like how you have to infer a lot of things about your story and about Rose or Teddy. I think that is so well done because i always like a story better if i have to think a bit more.
I also really like how you've approached Rose coming back from China. She seems so disconnected and unable to really fit in with the rest of her family and the people she used to be around all the time. Simply because she's experienced different things then them and seen so much. She's been halfway across the world chased down rare plants an put herself in danger for the sake of getting dragons blood or what have you. It would seem like a world apart to be then, safe and sound, in England where there is not that danger or things are just different and she's different. I can really relate to this because when I was living in a different country and culture way away from my 'home', coming back was one of the hardest things because so much had changed for me and it took ages to finally find home again. So I think it's really neat how you have Rose, especially in this chapter, so focussed on the word home and what it stands for.
I'm really curious to know where Teddy is on this whole thing and where he fits in with the family. Like, who does he have other than his Gran and Rose? And lets face it, Rose, for all her great characterization can be a little closed off (same as him at times). or he just seems more comfortable with things, confident, which i hope is something she needs.
I think what is really great about this story is your characters. They're the main thing and they, to me, are what makes a story from just being a good story to a literary piece. Plot is good and all, but it's the characters that I remember, they are the things that move me. I think you have that here, where i'm more concerned about your characters than anything else and i want to see them succeed and get passed all this emotional turmoil and issues and come out okay.
Again, really lovely job here! I've loved reading this and i hope that there is another update in the makings ;DAuthor's Response: These reviews are killing me, Secret Santa! They're so long and lovely, and I'm very sorry that it's taken so long to respond to them all. It's wonderfully helpful that you reviewed this story because it's one I've really been struggling with - I'm so used to writing specific genres and knowing exactly where I want a story to go... neither of which is happening here. An idea for the ending is brewing, but I'm not sure if it's the right one or whether it's just too cliched. But more about that later.
What's great about writing this story is the ability to examine family relationships because in my other stories, the characters tend to distance themselves from their families, whereas Rose is in the thick of hers. She's had her "escape", though temporary, and now she's facing the reality of having a large family and dealing with their close proximity at a time when all she wants is to figure herself out.
And you're perfectly right that Rose is scared to show her emotion because she fears rejection, or worse, being mocked for it. Scorpius was crueller to her than anyone quite realizes, and although Teddy isn't at all like that, Rose still has this thing in her mind she can't get past. I'm really glad that you see that in her and that it helps add to her realistic portrayal. She's a very confused and conflicted character, and always has been, so it's a challenge to write her without making her seem contradictory and flimsy. Somehow in future chapters I want to show the sharp contrast between what she thinks and how she acts - it will lead her into trouble, and then I think I'll have more of a plot to work with. ;)
Your discussion of Rose's adventures puts me in mind with the Trio after the war, how it must have been for them to change their ways so drastically. Maybe it's why Rose gets along with her Uncle Harry because he understands more than anyone what it's like to experience that difference. But for Rose, it's also an issue of freedom versus obligations, and she has to force herself to take that last step of maturity, to find a balance between the two that best suits her.
Teddy is somewhat of a blank space for me right now. I don't know how to enter his perspective on things, and I might just have to resort to following him for a chapter to see what his view of the world is like and how it differs from that of Rose. It must be uncomfortable for him since all the women in his life are independent and closed-off, as you put it. In some ways, he's like a Mr. Knightley to Rose, and helps her where he can, but what IS it like from his point of view? Now you've got me thinking... this is bad... oh my god I have to write this, if not for the next chapter, then for the one that follows. It would be a great addition to the story! :D
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this story! You've been a great help at getting me to think through the characters because they're the driving force of this story. Report Review
You've inspired me to get back to my writing. It's been a while and the character you've created for Rose is just the kind of person I'd think she'd be. I love these few chapters and now I'm going back to write what I love. Thanks!Author's Response: Really? This is the best compliment I've received for my stories - to inspire someone else to write is the best thing for any author to do. I wish you the best of luck with your writing!
Thank you very much for this review! I'm really glad that this story affected you in such a way. ^_^ Report Review
I think what i'm most impressed with is the way you handle Rose. There seems to be this underlying unease and fear in her of making any sort of commitment. To Teddy or anything really. This stems from her inability to really fit in with her family. To be so different from them and her desire to be so. Her running off to China and generally her personality which seems to be so much more intrinsic than anything. It clashes with them but it seems to mesh well with Teddy.
I like the conflict you've introduced here. The coldness of Victoire, the ex who cannot really be happy for them, obviously. She's interesting though by basically telling Rose that their relationship is going to fail. You can tell she is still bitter from her past relationship with him, something he did or didn't do perhaps or maybe she's just irritated that it didn't work out.
I also like the unease in the relationship, her feeling that she's cornered into getting married and following the typical footsteps of those before her. Is she afraid of defining what they are? Defining them as something? They seem to be in two different places in the relationship where Teddy knows where they are perhaps or he, at least, feels comfortable with it where she seems to be like a cat with a burr in her paw. Their chemistry is undeniable though. Gah! It makes me love Teddy/Rose because of this, they do flow naturally, even if Rose is uneasy about it.
Really great job Violet, this is beautiful!Author's Response: Wow, thank you! I was not expecting so many reviews from you, Dear Santa - your kindness is amazing, and it means a lot. ^_^
That's the important issue for Rose's character - she is afraid of commitment. It's something I've more often seen with male characters, so it's interesting to try it with a female character, one who is also very self-conscious. She's not family-oriented (she does love them, but prefers to be far away from them), nor is she interested in the stability that most of her family has. She is more like Charlie, seeking her adventure elsewhere, far away from her family's influence, doing her own thing instead.
I think the difference with Teddy is that he understands why Rose is the way that she is (for the most part - naturally, he's still stumped about her uncertainty about everything :P). He's spent enough time with the Weasleys to sympathize with Rose. He sees that she's different, and that's part of what attracts him to her. Victoire doesn't see these things - she still blames Teddy for the collapse of their relationship (because he refused to give up his poetry and lifestyle to further her political interests), and generally doesn't understand him. She's one of those left-brained people while he is right-brained, so they've never been able to communicate effectively.
I didn't want things to be entirely happy between Rose and Teddy, but I also didn't want it to be for any of the usual reasons. They're clearly devoted to one another, but there's naturally still those little things that exist in every relationship, and you're right to say that they're at different stages in their relationship. Rose has put things off when she was in China, and it startles her to wake up every morning and realize that she's in this kind of relationship. It terrifies her.
Thank you again for the reading and reviewing this story! Responding to these reviews has really helped me think through the characters and where I want to take the story next. :D Report Review
Well, so much for fluff. :P
This may seem odd, but she acts almost like a Malfoy when it comes to showing her affections, doesn't she? This is probably the sort of statement that might make Rose recoil, but I'm hoping you understand where I'm coming from. She tries to be a bit formal, but at the same time she's very avoidant. She says she does not care, but in actual fact she does - very much. As for Teddy, he might not have much luck, but he has more patience than I'd give him credit for. It'd be interesting to know how he is taking all of this. I'd love to get inside his head. Does he have anyone to speak to other than his Gran? The entire affair makes her come off as very awkward. While I want to shake her, I can still relate.
Actually, I can relate to her a lot which I'm a bit afraid of, but never mind. There's a longing for something more than what she has at the moment. This is not related to Teddy. But perhaps she still feels stuck, or maybe she came back to England too soon. Had she stayed, she would have avoided the debacle that was Lily's engagement; on the other hand, that might carry a different message completely.
Then there's Andromeda's allusion to her death. While it may be inevitable, I fear it will occur sooner than expected.
Nothing is ever so simple, is it? As humans we like to avoid a lot of things. We like to dance around each other without ever coming too close. That's the impression I got from the last scene with Teddy and Rose.Author's Response: lol, what is fluff? I don't think there's a fluffy molecule in my body. :P
It's interesting how you see Rose almost as a Malfoy. It makes a lot of sense to me now, though when I was writing, I had Ron's "emotional range of a teaspoon" in mind - a general inability to properly express emotion. But you're right that while Rose represses her feelings, she is experiencing them, violently so, and she seems to purposely prevent anyone from seeing what she's really feeling. Usually it's a way of preventing oneself from appearing weak or sensitive, and as one of the youngest cousins, perhaps Rose felt it necessary to do this... and then somehow it failed in the process, making her annoyingly awkward instead.
I've been wondering whether including a chapter, or part of a chapter, from Teddy's point of view would be worth-while. He's patient because he hasn't had much luck, so he's more willing to wait and see what happens. Victoire thought this a weakness, and I suppose it can be to those kind of people who want quick-decisions and immediacy, but Teddy is more laissez faire. However, he does have his limits. It would be interesting to see inside of his head... hmm...
That's the thing about Rose's characterization: we can be annoyed as hell with her, but she's eerily real. :P I've been finding that while writing her, and I'm glad that it's not just me.
You've given me some great ideas for the story with this review, not to mention the perfect motto for Rose: nothing is ever simple. One would think that her life as she has it laid out - a good job, good boyfriend, good family - should be simple, yet it isn't because that would be impossible. Wow, now I'm having feelings about the story. :D Thank you very much for reading and reviewing every chapter. I hadn't expected that at all, and it's wonderful of you to have done so. ^_^ Report Review
I'm a sucker for first lines, and I rather enjoyed yours. As bad as it sounds, it made me chuckle. Poor Rose, she didn't even want to go and now it looks like she should have stayed home. I can relate a little with her though, I can't really deal with my family sometimes either.
I love that bits and pieces of Rose are still revealed to us. The Weasley family is so vast, it's hard not to mention all of them in any Next Gen novel, or have that they all work in the same place. It's a bit scary, actually.
Your chapter title and the first verse of Life on Mars plays out a lot in this particular chapters. Maybe it's a bit too soon to say, but the 'she' in question could possibly relate to your Rose.
It's mostly platonic, you see.
Indeed. Funny how she refers to Mrs Tonks as her 'not-official-grandmother-in-law', now her and Ted are something of the platonic nature. Denial is a dirty sinÖ.and in this case, so is fear. It also makes me think that whatever they are, they haven't confirmed it to each other. Teddy obviously has one idea, while in Rose's mind she wants to run in the opposite direction, but she's frozen to the spot.
I suppose this is one of those stories of the 'will they / won't they' variety'. I can't read Rose at the moment, and it's frustrating. Maybe she's as confused as I am.
Victoire was surprisingly civil, I'm a bit impressed. Her words struck a cord which could be the sum of all Rose's fears.Author's Response: I'm really glad you liked that first line. If it's okay to say so, I'm kind of proud of it. It's a challenge to come up with good one-liners, or humour in general. It definitely helps to imagine the worst of all family get-togethers. *grimaces* They can be awful! But Rose makes the situation seem a lot worse than it is. The people there are happy to see her, but she focuses on the bad things - the meetings with James and Victoire most notably. In this chapter, I want readers to be frustrated with Rose, leading to Rose becoming frustrated with herself in two chapters. She has to realize how badly she's responding to the world around her and begin the process of digging herself out of this hole of discontent (it's not depression, but it could become that if she lets herself continue in this way).
The "she" of the song does mostly relate to Rose. She sees what her life could be if she follows the set script, but she doesn't want to, partially out of fear that it will be boring, and a rebelliousness she's inherited from her parents.
One thing I have to make more clear is that Rose isn't trying to run away from her relationship with Teddy - she's just trying to run away from a cemented commitment to her future (not even to a relationship, but to everything else that's going to happen in her life). I think I'll go back in this chapter and the one that follows it to make that more explicit. It will help... I hope.
Thank you very much for your review! It's really helping me think of where I want to take this story and how to best work through Rose's issues. She's become a more complicated and frustrating character than I anticipated, but it will all work out in the end. :) Report Review
There's something about your writing that makes me think you've come from another century. It has that tone of someone who has seen and learnt so much, no matter how simple the words. It also reminds me of an author I miss - celticbard. Anyway, on to the review.
So, we've fast forward a couple months and Rose, no doubt, has moved on. But it seems that all is not well. There's an obvious sense of foreboding to anything relating to engagement. At first, I thought that it was for her and Teddy. I agree that it's a big mess, but while she avoids thinking about that very possible future, she physically avoids any situation related to it. (I hope that makes sense, that was a long sentence.) She feels very strongly for him, but I wonder what she's afraid of.
I'm trying to make my own interpretation of Bowie's song and your story. Perhaps her fear is based on the fact that she has seen it all before. All the while, I get the sense that she's in a bit of a daze. I don't think she's quite used to the fact that her relationship with Teddy is so developed, especially in the eyes of her family. To be honest, she might be the neurotic one, not them.
It's not the length I would like to give for this chapter, but it's all I have to say at the moment. I thought you did a great job with reintroducing Rose's character and her current struggle.
LiaAuthor's Response: Thank you for that compliment, wow! Much of it comes from reading too many Victorian novels, so their syntax and language almost comes naturally. The most significant compliment here, though, is the comparison to celticbard. I love her stories and her writing style, so hearing that my writing reminds you of hers is fantastic!
Your sentence about Rose makes perfect sense. She thinks that the only way to protect herself from the truth is to avoid it, which only makes things worse. If she would just confront the issue and deal with it, her life would be a lot easier. It becomes a self-perpetuating system in which she avoids the problem, it becomes worse, and she has to avoid it again, and so on. It makes her a frustrating character to write (and to read, I expect), but it creates an oddly large amount of the story's action. I don't know if it's a good thing. Yet it's necessary because she has to grow out of this problem. Not mature out of it, but grow as a person and better come to terms with the world around her.
Now I'm the one not making sense. Although many of my main characters question themselves and their place in the world, with Rose I am pushing this even further. There's no enemy for her to fight against. There's no great thing she has to do. There's just a normal existence, and she's not sure that it's what she wants. It emerges partially from her adventures in China and also from the stories she's heard from her family. Some of her cousins are Aurors or Quidditch players, and she feels out of place.
She is pretty neurotic, come to think of it. ;)
The chapter lengths are something I'm working on because I've realized that, with a lot less action than in "Winner Takes All", it doesn't make as much sense to have such long chapters. I either have to increase the level of action, or decrease the length (probably the latter - that's the more logical and safe).
Thank you very much for this review! :D Report Review
I've really enjoyed this chapter. You can feel Rose so clearly in this chapter. Her emotions, problems, and misgivings. It's an excellent start.
What i really like about this was how you meshed together the flashbacks and Rose's thinking. It just seemed to work with her personality to be focussed on the past and all her insecurities or uncertainties. It really helped show who she is as a character and where Teddy and her stood as a couple. It seems very much up in the air at the moment and although they've been together for a while (to the point she's thinking of marriage or at least, changing her last name) it seems like she is at the core insecure of what they have. This all seemed really realistic to me and you've handled talking about the complicated mess of her relationships in a nice way that made it easy to follow.
I really like your portrayal of Rose. I like that she seems older in spirit than body. She's a lot different from what i've read before and she seems like Hermione's daughter here. Not a replica of course of Hermione but one that seems could have had her as a mother. I hope that makes sense. I also like Teddy. Although we haven't seen much of him so far I like the idea that he is a tortured poet and i like how you referred back to the Blacks and how they had no luck and yet she had been with both of them. It seemed to hint to something for later in the story maybe?
I noticed a tiny little spelling error - you spelled accurate as accurat at some point. :P
Another thing I could point out is that I love you use of details, it makes your story so vibrant and alive and i've always been a fan of that. However, you also have the tendency to have really long sentences and those long sentences seem to be packed with loads of details that the picture of what your describing gets lost. The only thing i'd suggest is cleaning that up a bit and shortening some of the sentences and this story will be a lot easier to read. Keep most of the details because the details are lovely and wonderful and help give this story a really deep feeling.
Anyway, I did really enjoy this and this is a good start on this story!Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing this story! :D It's the story I'm most uncertain about, so hearing any feedback on it is a wonderful treat. Although it will eventually have a plot, the thing I'm struggling with is setting the scene. Unlike my other stories, there is no set genre or style from which I'm building - there's no mystery to solve, no romance to make happen. It's just about life, and Merlin, is that a tough subject!
Rose's middle name is insecure, I swear. Much of the story will be about her overcoming those insecurities, which have only increased since her return from China. There, she had more purpose and structure to her life - working as an apprentice suited her well - but back in England, she's her own boss, and it's something she still has to grow into. But it means feeling for a long while that she's never good enough, that she's always lacking in what it will take to make her successful and happy. With Teddy, she's almost certain, but she's afraid to put a name to it, as though doing so will bring back luck to their relationship. She wants so badly for things to work out that her behaviour is actually causing harm - she's being too careful, too hesitating. I'm glad that her characterization is realistic - I know that Rose may be annoying to some readers, but it's important to me that she suffers from the same problems that many women her age do. Perhaps it's a sort of "writing as therapy" for myself, but even if not, creating characters who are as actual people is crucial for a story like this.
Thanks for pointing out that typo! The word looks funny without the E. XD I'll get that fixed right away.
Long sentences will be the death of me. I wish I knew why I write them - my only excuse is that I have an aversion to periods. :P But I'll keep your suggestion in mind for future chapters. It's something I really have to work on because the clarity of the story is at stake. Having pretty sentences is nice and all, but it shouldn't detract from the actual story.
*hugs* Thank you very much! Your reviews are perfect! Report Review
Yay for the update! This was a beautiful chapter, can't wait to see what happens next! :DAuthor's Response: Thank you! ^_^ It's great to hear that it turned out so well! Report Review
Hello there! Its AC here to review for the improvement challenge. Sorry it's taken awhile, there's been quite a lot of interest and the number of reviews I've got to write is quite intimidating.
More so though, this is the review I was least looking forward to (that's actually a compliment, but I'll explain in a sec). When I was thinking about starting the challenge I was talking about how I was worried someone might enter and I wouldn't have anything constructive to say, then Naida reassured me that 'there's always something' and added 'unless someone amazing like Violet Gryfindor enters' and then you happened to be, what, the third entrant? So, yeah, I'm going to stretch my abilities of giving criticism a bit here, because really I'm a big fan and it's likely I won't have much that's very helpful to say at all because you're great :)
Okay, so, structurally I really like all the flashbacks and it was really lovely to see the little pieces of the Teddy/Rose relationship. Coming in as someone who hasn't read the prequel to this, it definitely makes perfect sense and the whole thing is really clear and lovely.
Okay, the only thing I can comment on so far is more of stylistic thing. You have a tendency to include a lot of details. For the main part, it's really lovely and it makes me feel like part of the actual story, but I think it has a tendency for overkill at certain points. Things like the colour scheme of the building and such... I mean, personally I don't tend to visualise in that level of detail when I'm imagining things, so the fact that fact that sign matches the building just, well, it doesn't add anything to me, as a reader (I'm really clutching at straws here; I love it all).
Other details really do add things - such as the dragons almost representing Rose and Rose's reluctance to except that, but some are just a tad unnecessary perhaps.
Also, as a matter of time, it seemed like Rose opening the shop and Rose closing the shop ocurred really quite close together in terms of time. I know she closed the shop early, but to me it felt like the shop had only been open for an hour max and that seems like a really short time for the shop to be open, considering this is Rose's livelihood.
As a side point the bit about Dom being short for Domestic goddess has to be one of my favourite lines ever - different to my Dom head canon, but I loved it. Love a bit of word play and, well, there were some really great funny lines in this that were wonderful :)
I really like the characterisation of all these characters, too, it's nice and realistic to have the whole family dynamics of people comparing Victoire and Rose. And James bringing the whole Quidditch team.
So, i guess the only things I can think of to see is that there are quite a few sentences with lots of subordination that got really looonnng. I got lost a bit in the middle of the first sentence, trying to work it out in my brain - I'm entirely sure that's partially because I've got a holiday-brain (oh, the joys of having nothing to do at all for three months) but I think you possibly could have made it a little clearer by splitting it up into more than just the one sentence. Then, an excess of details.
Basically, your love of writing and words is like oozing through the page and it's lovely and wonderful and it really makes me smile, but sometimes it makes things slightly more difficult for the reader (like the longer sentences) or, with all the excess details, you provide more than a reader necessarily wants. So, yeah, the only bit of improvement I can really offer to you is keep the reader in mind more?
Honestly, though, the whole thing is lovely and I really enjoyed it and could read novels worth of it but, well, improvement is the name of the challenge after all.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings and thanks for joining the challenge! :)
-ACAuthor's Response: *rolls up sleeves* Okay, I'm ready for this now! :P My apologies for having put it off for so long, but now that I've got all the other things I'm doing on course, I'm ready to re-approach this story - it's been haggling me in the back of my head these last couple of days, but I won't move forward with my ideas until going carefully over your analysis. Ah, the problems of having too many WIPs! They're all "alive" in my head, but I can only focus on one at a time, it seems.
It's the kind of story that I know you're much better at doing than me, which is why I leapt at the opportunity to snag a review from you. My specialty is dark and gloomy, but I want to try and make this style work too - it's a more realistic type of fiction, with the characters just living, not being thrown into mysteries or other sensational situations.
*blushes* I'd love to find out who this Violet Gryfindor is! It's fantastic to hear such compliments from you - you're famous and talented, one of the authors on the site I look at and think "one day... that'll be me". It means a lot that you enjoyed this story - it's the kind of inspirational boost I need to get cracking on pushing this story out of these introductory chapters. :D
Haha, over describing things is a bad habit. It works in some cases, but I do overuse it. I'll go through these chapters and pare them down - it should help with the overall flow, and helpfully means that I don't have to make the chapters as long. ;) Pacing is always a challenge, so I'll definitely be more careful as I work on the third chapter (and those which come after). Even without looking at the story, I know the parts you mean. XD Long sentences will be the death of me, I swear!
That inconsistency with Rose and the shop is an accident - it comes with writing in short spurts without keeping track of what's going on. Thank you for pointing that out - I'll find a way to fix it, either by removing the "opening the shop" part or by including some description about the time passing by. It could very well be that Rose's thoughts make time pass, but I still have to work on making that clear.
So that I don't go over the allowed length for responses, I'll cut it off here, though I could go on for longer, I'm sure. Thank you again for your help! It's wonderful to get this kind of feedback - it's just what I need because, otherwise, I go off on terrible tangents and lose track of... well... everything.
So what I'll do first is fix up these chapters, then I'll move on from there into the third chapter. I have to stop worrying about the length, and more about moving the plot and character developments forward - that should help me with the pace. I really appreciate hearing from you! This idea for a challenge is incredible! ^_^ Report Review
Hello! I'm here with your requested review!
OH YAY! Next-Gen! My favourite era -the number of things you can do with it!
Okay, for a first chapter, I think this is very different from many others I've read. I don't know if this has to do with the fact that this story is a sequel or not, but anyway... Although you've given us our fair share of introductions and background history, you've also sort of lunged straight into action and with an engagement party! That's sort of grand, like a mini-wedding! I still haven't read a novel that starts with preparations for a mini-wedding, except for this one, of course. I certainly do find myself curious about what's going to happen next, and how the relationship betwen Rose and Teddy will advance.
Speaking of which, I love the way you've made us come to know about their relationship. It wasn't a straight-out 'I'm in a relationship with Teddy Lupin' statement but it was rather implied and proved by various flashbacks and thoughts. It took me a while to figure out that they're already together and I really liked the gradualism through which this point was made.
Another thing I noticed was the point of view from which you're writing this story. Although it's obviously in third-person perspective, it just seems so personal and specific to Rose that I felt as though I was reading a first-person perspective narrative without going through frustration that first-person can sometimes bring. I really do admire that!
As for the flashbacks... When the first one appeared, I was rather surprised to see it there even though you have told me about those in the request. At that point, things were still a bit foggy and the story was only beginning to unfold. But then, I got to the next one and began to understand the purpose of them and found them actually very useful to the chapter. They presented information in a rather nice way. If this information was just slipped into the rest of the narrative, it wouldn't have been as exciting to come upon. Or so I believe anyway!
Also, those flashbacks add a lot to that first-person feel that I've previously mentioned. It just really makes me feel as though I'm inside Rose's brain where one word or phrase or face stimulates a memory and brings on another that's loosely relevant. And this aspect, Rose's mental processes, is what gives this story the amusing lightness. It's witty amusement -the kind I really admire.
I like the characterisation of both Rose and Teddy so far. I like the occupations you've given each of them and I especially like all the details you've included about Rose's job -her education and Teddy's help with the garden and so on.
The interaction between the two of them around the end of the chapter was very, very amusing and adds to the fluffiness that you seem to be aiming for with this story.
Personally, I think I'll go read this story's predecessor now that I have finally been hooked on! I'm very glad to have finally got the chance to read one of your stories (okay, a portion of one of your stories) and I truly hope to have the time to read more. And I think this has been a wonderful chapter! You're always welcome to re-request if you want to! :D
-MannoAuthor's Response: Thank you very much for this! I have to admit that those of you offering reviews are really giving amazing ones, including plenty of detail and telling me exactly what I need to know. This is wonderful! It means a lot that you take the time to read closely and give this much feedback. :)
Just to clear things up, although this is a sequel, the plot of this story and its predecessor are separate - it is only the characters that carry over. I've been able to keep the stories distinct in my head, and have tried to keep it that way for readers as well. This story does rather leap into things in medias res - I don't want to tell the story from the very beginning, which is always tempting, but not always... right? (Can't think of a better word, sorry.) It's a story about what happens after the initial falling-in-love stage of romance, so that might be what throws things off for this story more than anything. I am super-glad to hear that you're curious to hear how things will develop - that's one thing I always like to know, especially about a first chapter. :D
I'll take a look at that first flashback to see whether I can smooth out the flow a little more. It was a last-minute decision to add those, so more build-up or some sort of narrative device might be necessary there. However, it's wonderful that, overall, the flashbacks do enhance the story, giving the backstory when needed and also giving readers a taste of Rose's personality - the way that she recalls certain memories at particular times does, like you said, let you get into Rose's head, see the world like she does. I love being able to do that in a story, and it's fantastic to know that her thoughts are the source of the humour. She does have a sarcastic edge to her, though it mostly stays in her head (she doesn't use sarcasm as much in speech). I place a lot of emphasis on "showing" versus "telling" in my stories, but sometimes it means I don't really know what's going on or what narrative device is doing what - that's where reviewers come in and help me know what's happening in my story. XD
I better stop now before I go on responding to everything in ridiculous detail. *hides* Needless to say, you've left me with a lot to think about, which I love in a review.
Thank you again for reading and reviewing this first chapter! This story is proving to be an interesting experiment in writing something light and /normal/ (meaning not filled with crazy plots and mysteries), so it's a great relief to hear that it's working out! ^_^ Report Review
Sorry, that previous review was me. I forgot to mention though that in the summary for this story you should add a note about this being a sequel to "winner takes all" I was lucky to have found this but I'm sure a lot of people don't know that this is it's sequel.Author's Response: It was in the summary, though maybe it wasn't visible enough, being on top of the banner. I moved things around so that it stands out more - hopefully that helps wonderful readers like you to find it. ^_^ Thanks for the tip! Report Review
I love this. Please keep going.Author's Response: Thank you! :D I certainly will! Report Review
you have no idea how happy I am that you're writing a sequel. I LOVE "winner takes all" and I'm so excited to read how things turn out for everyone. I love rose's character, she's so down to earth and real and I feel like i can really relate to her. I hate how lily and scorpius betrayed her, I hope they get their comeuppance.Author's Response: This is great to hear! Thank you very much! I'm glad that you've enjoyed both of the Rose stories so far and, even better, that you want to read more. :D
I'm not yet sure whether I want to include Scorpius and Lily in this story - if they do appear, it wouldn't be in a major way. I think I had an idea of them permanently keeping away from England - Lily doing her best to keep Scorpius away from Rose, I mean. :P Report Review
You've left me utterly speechless. Your writing is so beautiful, I can't even find the right words to put together a proper review.
I really loved the flashback about the age difference, and how Teddy pointed out his parents were even further apart. The bit with his blue eyebrow was cute :)
I love how you write the chemistry between Rose and Teddy.. They are so lovely together. And, (you're going to have to forgive me, because every one of my sentances is going to start out with "I love.." :p ) I loved this- Marriage was one of those sticky topics for a girl whose ex-boyfriend had married one cousin while her current boyfriend had gotten divorced from another cousin-- It was this, and other subtile sarcastic bits that gave this chapter the perfect amount of humor, while still giving a beautiful sense of where Teddy and Rose are at in their life together.
I loved the end of this chapter! Teddy bringing new robes for Rose reminded me of 'winner takes all' with her blue (forgive me, it's been a while, blue, right?) robes. And the bit about them sneaking glances at eachother was very fun to read as well!
Your writing is magnificent. I loved this chapter and the whole of 'winner takes all'. Fantastic work, as always!Author's Response: I'll admit that I've put off responding to this review because I don't know how - this story left you speechless! It's beautifully written! You like Teddy/Rose! You must be too good to be true. :P
But thank you from the bottom of my heart for loving this story and taking the time to review it. Both of those things mean a lot to me. ^_^
I'm glad that you picked up on that discussion between Teddy and Rose as this story is, in part, a manifesto on the ship, showing how it can work as well as its pitfalls, writing about the two characters beyond the moment of falling in love. To my surprise, I've never found a Teddy/Rose novel - I hope that one exists, just for the sake of it. I'm really glad that you like their chemistry, as my other goal is to have fun writing these two characters together and show everyone else why they make a great couple. It'll be sarcasm and awkwardness abound, but that's what makes it fun for me. XD
(And yes, Rose's robes were blue. These ones, however, I imagine to be light-and-dark green striped.)
Thank you again for reading and reviewing! ^_^ Report Review
First thing, because it's my only... Not negative, but, you know. Anyway... "Rose having forgotten that she still held Rose's hand between her fingers...": is it supposed "she still held Victoire's..."?
So, now I've asked that: I agree with Ron's question - when are they getting married? :P
Victoire seems... Cold. Understandable, I think, if I got that right, considering Rose is with her ex. Oh, Teddy, what a way to create tension in a family. :D I wonder if she genuinely means that good luck. It sounded bitter; I don't think she'd really care if they broke up (which they can't do!).
"He hasn't got any." It was just like saying that Rose and Teddy are doomed. Maybe on both parts. I sense a lot of "will I/won't I" because of their personalities; both feeling like they don't belong (from what I remember of Winner Takes All with Teddy), them spending less time together, like Albus pointed out, not coming to the party together. And that Rose can't even talk about them getting married.
Or maybe I'm just completely wrong and Victoire is only bitter... Maybe she blames Teddy for them failing. Maybe it could be both reasons. I can't wait to find out.
This will always be bumped to the top of my reading list, I can never just wait until I get to it - it's a Teddy/Rose and it's written by you!
Sam.Author's Response: Sam! It's great to hear from you! :D
I've fixed that mistake, oops! Thanks for pointing it out.
That is the big question - when they will marry. They don't have to, really, but there's always that expectation from families that there'll be a big show about it, an excuse to get together and celebrate something (which for the Weasleys is easy enough :P). But Rose still has that issue, something inside of her that stalls her, and Teddy's silence on the subject certainly doesn't help. It'll be the major problem of the story, I think, something Rose constantly has to deal with.
Victoire was a hard one to write for this because I want to still make her sympathetic and human rather than the "evil ex". She is cold, but more because she feels cheated, not of Teddy, but of the kind of relationship he offers Rose, yet couldn't offer her. She understands that she made a serious mistake in marrying him, and is bitter about it. She does blame him for its failure rather than blaming herself because she still sees herself as being in the right - she can't respect him because he's an artist, not something practical. It'll be a challenge to successfully capture her the way I'd like to, and hopefully I can make it work. :)
I think the problem with Teddy and Rose is that they're not all that good at explaining their feelings and prefer to remain silently in the background. It's not a good way to be because drama inevitably hits them anyway. Yet at the same time, like you said, they're both very much alike, and their relationship is, to this point, working for them. The strain of his grandmother's health makes things more difficult (which is why I started the story at this point, to a degree).
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this story! It means a lot to hear from you, and your review really made me think a lot about what I want to do with these characters. :D Report Review
yay! second chapter! I was so happy to see this, I had to read it before I went to bed. :) and it is for that exact reason this review is so short. :P just had to let you know that I loved it!Author's Response: Thank you so much, Lee! :D It took a while to get it written and even now it's not really wanted I wanted it to be, but I'm glad that you enjoyed it so much! It always means a lot to hear from you. ^_^ Report Review
First off, I loved WTA, and will be reviewing all of those chapters, BUT!! I am so excited that there is a sequel to it. Yay! I'm usually very "canon-only" about stories, but you make them all work! I love that Scorpius is gone, and Teddy is in his place. Rose is such an original character, and I cannot wait to read more about her. Keep up the good work!!!
And the humor in the story!!! Rose's encounter with "Dr. Weasley" bahaha. Made me laugh out loud. I also love her individuality and the way she needs something that is just her own. Ahh.(Sorry if this review wasn't entirely coherent... too many thoughts in my head about the story))Author's Response: Wow, thank you! It's fabulous to hear that you enjoyed WTA and checked out its sequel as well - I wasn't sure whether a sequel would work for that story, but I'm too attached to the characters to set them aside forever. :D
Usually I'm a canon-stickler too, but the next-gen characters leave so much more to the imagination, and it's nice to be able to rebel a bit, putting me own twist on things. *evil grin* It means a lot that you like it, though, and that it works for you. :D
Thank you so much for your kind words! I really appreciate that you've taken the time to read and review so many of my stories! It's even better that you've enjoyed them. ^_^ Report Review
What. Is. This. I didn't snag even the fourth review spot! D: I've been neglecting you! (And I see Venom has been updated too. Twice. How far behind am I??)
Love to see this coming back. Seems like the vibe is different from WTA, a bit funnier, more relaxed. It's still got the same introspective feel though :) I can't wait to see what happens.
Rose is back in London, eh? I love how she's set up her own shop. Very ambitious, but she seems to enjoy it :) I like the tidbits about China. Many squeals during the Teddy/Rose interaction because they are LOVE. They have lots of chemistry!
Lovely setting up the plot, I can't wait for the next chapter. This is so amazingly short, but I'm very busy nowadays. I absolutely love this though, have fun writing!Author's Response: I snuck a sequel in without you noticing! That's a victory for me, to be sure. :P Granted, I've been writing quite a bit lately, so what used to be a period in which I'd update once now encompasses three updates - so you're not that far behind, really. I'm just ahead of myself (if that even makes sense, not quite certain of that).
It's fantastic that you like this new story so far. It does have a different feel to it, not only because I have a lassez-faire perspective on this story's plot, but also because it lacks (and will lack) the pace of WTA. A 60,000 word story that takes place in less than 10 days is an insane thing, and I don't want this sequel to have that same tense, frantic atmosphere. This story will let me have fun with the characters without having to deal with the troubles of plotting (an entirely lazy venture, in other words). ;)
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing this story! It's great to hear from you again, and there's no need to worry about updates on this story because there probably won't be one until the end of December - that's the plan. :) Report Review
I'm not certain if this is the story you were talking about in your status update, since it doesn't precisely seem to be a Scorpius/Rose story (at least not yet), but it doesn't have a very high reveiw count. So. Here I am.
As usual, reading your writing is a very enjoyable experience. Your writing flows so nicely, it's just so easy to get caught up in it and be carried away. It's really impressive how you manage to make your writing sound so easy and effortless but at the same time well-crafted, as if each word was weighed and considered.
I am intrigued by the idea of Rose as a Chinese herbalist. That is not an idea I have ever come across before. It's a nice twist on making a character a Healer. I like how you have included some common things (after all, how can they really be avoided, especially in fanfiction) but have given them a fresh twist.
The descriptions of Rose's little shop were also enjoyable. I work in a little shop myself, a health food store (where we actually sell mostly supplements), so even though Rose's shop is obviously quite different, there are still similarities that made it feel familiar to me, if that makes sense.
The flashbacks are another thing I've got to comment on. I have never been a fan of flashbacks, particularly in fanfiction. Too often, they seem clumsily slapped into a chapter, or perhaps utilized when an author realizes the need to fill some plot hole. Frequently, I just cringe when I come across them and think the information could have been included much more masterfully. However, not all flashbacks are equal, and sometimes I have to admit I've read some that don't make roll my eyes or cringe. The flashbacks included here were well-done. They fit in well with the flow of the story and added some background information, without banging the reader over the head with some forced, clumsy abruptness. So well-done on that. :)
I suppose I ought to stop babbling before soon. I would like to say one more thing. I always enjoy your characters too. They seem like real people to me . . . realistic, in other words. Also, real in a way that appeals to me in a way this "typical teenager" behavior/characterization does not. That said, there was something about Rose that made me think of Helen, but it wasn't so obvious that it made me really notice until I started thinking about it after reading.
Anyway, this was an enjoyable read, as expected, and it seems to me like a story with potential.Author's Response: This is a surprise! I loved your reviews, and getting another one is a brilliant thing. This isn't actually the story I was whining about (am always embarrassed about those moments afterwards, as genuinely upset as I can be during them - people do tend to be more stringent about reviews these days), but I actually appreciate receiving reviews for this story more because it's definitely one that I like better. So, to begin, thank you so much for taking the time to read and review this story.
Your comments are so complimentary that I hardly know what to say other than to thank you. Making Rose and company different from the "usual" next-generation story is key - mostly because it's the only way I can make myself want to write them. It's the same problem that I often have with the Marauder era because people have such set ways of writing these characters who, in actuality, have very little "canon" information regarding them. This version of Rose is a bit of a rebel, too, so I couldn't imagine her entering one of the "usual" wizarding professions - so she chooses one that takes her halfway around the world, to begin with, then that lets her do her own thing once she returns home. She loves being independent far too much, which is probably one of the reasons why she reminds you of Helen - I didn't purposely make them alike but you're right that there are similarities between them. Sometimes I worry that my female main characters are all alike - the same person living in (and affected by) different environments. But in this case, it's great that they are similar - writing strong women is something I love to do, I guess. :D
I'm very glad to hear that the flashbacks worked and didn't detract from the narrative flow. I use them quite often, probably more than I should, but for some reason, I keep doing it. The way that memory works is strange, and the amount of inward thinking that Rose does lends itself to these kind of flashbacks.
Thank you again! It's been wonderful to hear your opinions once more. ^_^ Report Review
I couldn't wait to read this story (I will admit, I finished Winner Takes All so quickly so I could read it - Winner Takes All was awesome, so you know!) cos, well, it's Teddy/Rose! LOL.
This the first chapter was an amazing start! I can't wait for an update.
Slytherin Review Brew.Author's Response: Haha, you read through all of WTA to do this one too?! You're really quite amazing, you know - this story does work on its own for the most part, since it's only the characters I'm bringing over as well as a bit of backstory; none of the plot is coming along with it (Scorpius can stay in whatever remote location Lily keeps him :P). But all the same, I'm really glad that you enjoyed WTA. ^_^
It's great that you've come to read this story - I'm still looking forward to your Teddy/Rose! There need to be far more of that ship around, especially in longer-story form. :D Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! I really means a lot to hear from you! ^_^ Report Review
OHMYMERLIN SEQUEL SEQUEL SEQUEL HOLY MOLY. I'd seen this in passing a couple of times, but for some reason, the words 'sequel to Winner Takes All' never seemed to catch my eye, although the banner and title did jump out at me. :) So, Rose back in London; a bit hard to imagine her not in China...
So, we'll finally be introduced to Victoire in the next chapter, I'm hoping? That's going to be...awkward, to say the least...I'm so glad to read more! When I finished Winner Takes All, I never expected a sequel, so this is quite the pleasant surprise! I hope to read the next chapter soon (even though, you know, you kinda just posted the first).Author's Response: Whoa, you're excited about this! That's awesome! *squees* I wasn't sure because maybe I'd left too long a gap between WTA and this one - perhaps people wouldn't see this or had forgotten about the original - but you found it and you like it! Nothing more that I could want. :D
It's interesting because I'm second-guessing my choice to start the story at this particular point. Although it makes for easier plotting, keeping Rose mostly in once place, it would have been interesting to follow her through her final years of training. If only I knew something more about China, I'd feel more comfortable writing about her time there. However, I've been thinking that, because I do require a bit of a time gap in this story, I might be able to take her back there for a visit/trip - for supplies or something like that. It's more my own discomfort that prevented me from writing more about her in China, though. *hides*
Yes, Victoire will be there. Don't know whether Rose or myself are more worried about that. :P I want to get her character right - she won't be a villain by any means, but she can't be Rose's friend either and of course things between herself and Teddy will be... frigid, to say the least. But perhaps Rose and her are more similar than anyone expected... ;)
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this! It was a wonderful treat to see your review! ^_^ Report Review
Always love a good Teddy/Rose story. So happy you decided on a sequel!Author's Response: Thank you very much! I hope that the rest of the story works out for readers - it will definitely be a Teddy/Rose, though. There needs to be more of that ship around! :D Report Review
Yay!!! I'm so happy to see there's a sequel! Can't wait to see what's next for our lovely heroine Rose :)Author's Response: It's wonderful to hear that you're happy to be reading the continued exploits of my Rose, and I hope that you enjoy the rest of the story (once I write it, of course :P).
Thank you! ^_^ Report Review
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