Absolutely beautiful chapter! This story is fantastic! I am very interested in what's going to happen next. You characterize both Victoire and Teddy very well. I'm definitely adding this to my favorites. You requested a review from me last year, and I'm re-opening my thread after going on a long hiatus from fanfiction. Thank you for requesting, and I'm so sorry I took so long! This is a very well-written story! 10/10
Aether Report Review
Really excellent first chapter. Your writing is fantastic. I was completely mesmerized by Victoire's recollections. I did feel, in the beginning, that though the description was very beautiful it might have been a little too detailed (there comes a point where I stop actually feeling the description, when there's just so much to process). But that was just a little thing at the beginning that I noticed, and I was quickly pulled into the story after that. I love the way you write, and this story sounds very interesting and original - I'm definitely adding it to my favorites. Great work!
Aether Report Review
(This request is long overdue, so sorry about that :(. But here's the review!)
What can I say? This is fabulously written!!! I'm already enraptured by your fic and I can't wait to read more! Your pace was perfect and your syntax had a graceful edge to it, which complimented your use of imagery, both descriptive and sensory. That's your biggest strength in your story. Your use of imagery is captivating, from the first sentences describing the sunrise and the way Victoire felt, physically and emotionally. It adds to the intense and dark undertone of the story and I must say that it all comes together really nicely. Your grammar is really good with essentially no real flaws that need to be noted and the you've already made your characters interesting just in these two chapters. You successfully make the reader see Victoire's pain, Teddy's vulnerability, and some of your other OC's already have their own sort of tone. your writing is almost poetic in a way, adding power to the whole story as a whole. I loved the way you ended chapter two, with Teddy just saying, "Help me." I know that this will be a very interesting story. So I say, keep up the good work!! Report Review
I am so, so sorry for taking so long with this...so I'll jump right into it :)
As always, you write very well. It's easy to read and flows beautifully. Victoire intrigues me, you certainly have portrayed her differently that we usually see her. Teddy as well seems to be unique, though we haven't really met him yet.
The plot also seems interesting, you write serious stories (like Morocco, and I expect like this will turn out to be) very well. You've already set up a dark atmosphere surrounding the werewolf rebellion, and I'm curious to know what Teddy's role in it was.
This is brilliant set up chapter, I look forward to seeing more depth to the plot and some of the supporting characters. You've done the essential here and introduced Victoire very well and gave you readers a lot to identify with.
Well done, as always.
-Giola Report Review
Ah! Help with what? Help with what? Don't leave me like that! :(
Why must cliffhangers be so effective?!
I don't care what he done, I still, and will always, love Teddy! Can't help it! I love him. Is that wrong? LOL. :D
This was an amazing chapter and I can't wait for the next one!
Sam. Report Review
Hey Pen2Paper from the forums,
I read this story and thought to myself, the idea must have come to you suddenly, fully formed, much like a dream. The general feel I got from the story was the same, transient, dream-like :) it's very natural and surprising at the same time.
Your descriptions are very acutely detailed that it becomes more and more clear that you somehow witnessed it all before you wrote it :) Your descriptions are that good it feels quite like a motion picture. I'd just like to say that description adds great flavour and texture to a written work but, too much of it can cause the chapter to lag in pace and the plot too seem a little stagnant. Here I think you might want to be careful since at times it felt as if the writing kept circling around without moving on... Maybe to cut long run-on sentences into short sentences that hold the absolutely necessary parts of detail required would help to change that pace of the chapter.
Characterization wise, with Next gen there is a lot of freedom, but you've used that freedom to create very unique individualistic characters! Both the depiction Victoire and what we hear of Ted makes them very interesting characters to read about. Realistic and very well executed.
Plot, since not much is given away in this chapter I cannot comment too much. But with the little bits of history you've woven into this chapter it does keep the readers curious as to what happened. I'm sure we all will find out with the coming chapters. :)
Keep up the good work. :)
~Pen2Paper Report Review
Hi, Brielle (finally) here with your requested review!! I'm just going to do what you asked for:
general opinion: WOW. The fist paragraph alone hooked me on this story, and I can tell you that I'm going to continue reading. The way Victoire seems so hurt is enthralling, and makes the story look readable from the very beginning. Overall, nice start.
Victoire is already someone you want to read more about. Usually, characters take chapters of emptiness to really warm up and become lifelike, but you've done it in one chapter. Her hurt is so relateable, and the way she hides herself from the rest of the world because of something else that happened in her life is absolutely flawless. The way she takes something from her childhood (Ice Princess) and lives it out, simply because its expected, is fantastic, and the reasons behind it are strong. From what I can see so far, she'll have a lot of growing up to do, but for now, she's great.
For a first chapter, there's a plot. You can see that something is going to happen between Teddy and Victoire, based on the memo she saw (that he gets out soon) and their past together. In this story, I can see history repeating itself for them, and i can see them getting back together. Victoire's reaction to it was the real plot, though. Her growing as a character will easily add to the plot you have going.
I don;t have a lot to say about this. Honestly, it was easily read and enjoyed, and that's all that matters. :)
so keeep it up with this story, i already love it!
xx Brielle :) Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!
A couple tiny mechanical things:
- The beginning imagery is great, but I think that you should choose some and cut some out. "... time sped up, catching all and everything in its wake and churning it around" is very similar to "The world heaved, paused, and then spat itself across the eerie stillness of the Ministry of Magic." It just got to feel like there was too much in the very beginning, and occasionally throughout, the flow slowed a bit and the language felt a bit too heavy. On the whole, it was great - there were just a few points where it felt a little overdone.
- There's a typo in the fifth paragraph: it should be "wonder at the man he was," not "wonder at he man he was."
Other than that:
I think that you're developing Victoire's character very well. I have a real sense of her and who she is, and at this point I can definitely empathize with the conflict and pain and confusion that she's feeling. She's interesting and compelling as a narrator - she feels three-dimensional and real.
I have less of a sense of Teddy, thus far, but that's kind of to be expected, and I certainly don't think that you have too little. I can't wait to see more of him and to start to figure him out, because right now I have so many questions. I feel kind of the same way about the plot - I don't quite know what's going on, but I know I like it a lot!
Very solid chapter, and I can't wait to read more. :) Report Review
imaginary lines here with your review!
sorry it took so long to read the story, but wow! it's such an interesting plot, and its such an interesting story concept. i've only really read a teddy/vic story when the two are so happy in love. its interesting to see an angst story and the drama that is going on between the two. i kind of hate teddy because he left her, but i am totally curious as to why.
i would suggest to break up all of the descriptive paragraphs. you did that very well in chapter two, but chapter one was more focused on setting the scene, but you used way too many descriptive words. so kind of stay away from that if you can.
please let me know when chapter three is posted, because i would love to keep an eye for this story (:
imaginary linesAuthor's Response: Hi there, thanks so much for coming to review! I am really pleased you are enjoying it so far. I wanted to do something a little different with teddy and vic and move away from the usual happy-in-love plotline.
it will all be revealed - he didn't leave her really; he got arrested, silly boy, but there will be much more about how and why later on.
chapter 1 was sort of an experiment. i don't usually write that poetically in a longer piece - usually that is saved for one-shots, so i was playing around with setting the scene in a different way to how i usually do it. i do see what you mean though, so thank you.
i shall, and thanks so much for reading and reviewing.
xx Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!
A couple minor mechanical things:
- There were one or two cases of slightly awkward descriptions. For example, in the first paragraph, you talk about the wind "lifting them about delicately." I get what you're trying to say, but this is just a tiny bit awkward. On the whole, your descriptions were great - it was just a couple instances that I wasn't a fan.
- In the second paragraph, there was a sentence I had to read a couple times before I understood it. I think that the second sentence would be much clearer if you added a comma after "the back of her neck."
- Close to the end of the story, you say "With so many Weasley's" - it should really be "Weasleys," since it's plural and not possessive.
Other than that, though, this is a great start. I'm intrigued by the premise, and I think that there are a lot of interesting places you can take it.
My only major complaint is that while your descriptions were great, I felt like the emotional aspect was a bit rushed. You do a good job of portraying how Victoire is feeling now, but I wanted to know more about how she felt about Teddy. Did she feel betrayed? Hurt? Angry? How did he respond to her? I just didn't get much of a sense of their relationship or the emotional fallout from his actions, and while it's fine to leave some of that until later, I don't think you should be leaving all of it, you know?
However, this is a great and very intriguing start, and I greatly enjoyed it! :)Author's Response: Hi again!!
ah yes. i was wondering how this first chapter read - some of this is a bit of an experiment in terms of poeticism - i don't usually lay it on so thick in a multi-chaptered fic, saving it for one-shots, so i understand exactly what you're saying.
ugh the dreaded apostrophe! my biggest grammatical crime ever! thank you for picking that up!
oh, there will be much more of a reveal about vic's feelings for teddy in later chapters - i wanted to sort of leave it out of this one because she isn't dealing with it. she's shut it away - their relationship, how she really feels about him and about what he did...when she starts to deal, the readers will find out all about it! some of it starts to come out in chapter 2.
thank you so much - i love your reviews and i really happy you're liking this so far!!
xx Report Review
Hi there, it's me with your (horribly late) review :)
I absolutely LOVE this story so far. From what I can decipher, it's such a brilliantly original plot and characterisation of Victoire and Teddy, and already I'm absolutely hooked on the next chapter.
The first thing that struck me was the level of detail in your descriptions. They were absolutely fantastic; with each tiny bit you brought down the atmosphere, and created such a charged feeling about Victoire with a lot of metaphors thrown in to make the scene extremely tension-filled! It was absolutely fantastic and I loved that.
Victoire is already a really deep and multi-layered character. I can definitely see how she can be the 'ice princess' but there is so much more she has tried to lock away that you show brilliantly. The idea of the draw, and how it all came rushing out when she was in the cell with Teddy, was just amazing; and I love her convictions of her own feelings concerning him that are then compromised and changed as she encounters him in the Atrium and the cell.
She is a really, really intruiging character and I love it! Also, the way she feels about her family and work is really interesting, because while Victoire feels she 'fades into the grey' at the edge of them, she probably sticks out like a sore thumb in respect of her relationship with Teddy. The way she hasn't really mentioned anyone from the Clan other than Harry and Rose, and very briefly her father, shows just how cut off from them all she is.
Concerning the plot, I think that you created an initial air of mystery and suspense extremely well. Then, as the plot was recounted, I was then desperate to find out more behind it, other than the hard facts (still am, really!) You give just the right amount of information to keep it moving but not an overload, and it is mostly because of this that it flows so well!
But this is just brilliant, thank you so much for requesting! It's been absolutely wonderful, and I will eagerly check for updates :) 10/10!
~TGKAuthor's Response: Hi hun! thank you so much for coming to review - I really appreciate hearing your thoughts on this one.
YAY i am so pleased you are enjoying it so far - I really wanted to try something different with teddy and vic. i have written teddy a few times, but i've never written vic, so i am really happy you like what i am doing with them both.
wow thank you! the first chapter was a bit of an experiment - i usually save that more poetic writing for one-shots but i thought i'd try it in this fic. i am so pleased you liked it!
i don't know where that drawer idea came from, lol, but i happy that it worked!
you are right - she would stick out from her family, because of teddy and what happened. i want to explore that in later stages of the fic. families interest me, and a family like the weasley's is really intriguing.
thank you. i like to move things quite slowly - let the plot reveal itself a nice pace, rather than throw it all at you, so i am pleased what i've given so far seems to be enough,
thank you thank you thank you! i am really happy you're enjoying this so far!!
xx Report Review
Hello! It is I from the forums!
Mmmm...What is there to say? The way you made your story flow was very...professional. I can see that you put a lot of effort into the story judging by the length and how careful you were on the words. You also put a good amount of background information in the story, so that should start a not-so confusing story. I really like Teddy on this one! But I wish you put more dialogues in the story, but I have a feeling that you will on the next few stories.
Overall, I think you deserve an 9 out of 10 for this one! Keep up the awesome writing!
xxAuthor's Response: hi there, thanks so much for coming to review. i'm glad it seems to be working so far. there will be more dialogue but i rarely ever fill a first chapter with much of it, wanting to focus more on introducing my characters and setting the scene. as more happens and more characters appear, so does the dialogue.
thank you so much! I really appreciate it. Report Review
Amazing. Victoire must be suffering so much, Iwonder what really happened. Hope you'll update soon.Author's Response: it shall all be revealed as the story goes on, don't worry. thank you so much for reading! Report Review
I loved it. Again, ypu're very talented to describe how your characters feel, to make your readers understand their feelings.Author's Response: thank you hun. i'm really pleased you're enjoying it so far and i hope you continue to follow the story! Report Review
:O Amazing. I can't think of anything to... Say. Just amazing.
I like this Victoire. I'm used to seeing fics where Teddy and Victoire are ALL over each other. This, this is unique. :D Teddy, in Azkaban (I'm not the best context clue person, but I'm pretty sure he's there right now), Victoire cutting herself off. It's... Amazing. :D I'll continue reading but I really can't think of anything that off, except a few small grammar things that I have no clue how I caught them... And now I can't find them so... Yeah.
Mike. *Amazing*Author's Response: Thank you so very much! I am really pleased you are enjoying it and that you like the characters so far. I wanted to try something different with both Teddy and Vic, and yes, your deduction is correct - Ted is in Azkaban.
thank you again and I am thrilled you're enjoying it!
Kate Report Review
I love this idea, and really want to know what happens next and where the story goes! Have yet to find a decent Teddy/Victoire, maybe this could be it... Great opener.
Angharad xxAuthor's Response: thank you so much. I am really pleased you are enjoying it so far! oh, I hope so, lol. I wanted to do something a little different with them.
xx Report Review
It's a Teddy and a Victoire I've never read before and I want to read more! Wow.
I can't wait to read the next chapter!
Sam. :)Author's Response: thank you so much. the next chapter is in the queue. i'm really pleased you're enjoying it so far!
Kate xx Report Review
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