Reading Reviews for The Recruit
  
34 Reviews Found

Review #1, by ajbraun Dark Days

27th February 2013:
Very interesting so far!

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Review #2, by bookworm_hermione The Crew

22nd January 2013:
And finally! The great Sirius Black has decided to grace us with his presence! I was waiting for that part. Though him being the "stalker" is quite a twist. This chapter just aroused more questions. How are Daphne and her friends any different from Wizards, and why would they be slaughtered if they stepped into Wizarding World? And "the last of they nine?" wah??? And this is a Sirius/OC fanfic so... Daphne is going to meet Sirius soon I'm guessing? There's just so many questions out there, and they all need to be answered SOON. So, UPDATE (soon) PLEASE!!!

P.S. Are you going to stick with the Voldemort is an evil wench, and Sirius is from a pureblooded family and friends with the infamous marauders, making him a Gryffindor traitor plot?

100/10

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Review #3, by ChaosWednesday Stranger

26th July 2012:
hey its Whiskey back for one last review!

I still like your style a lot! The moment when Daphne finally taps into her power was very dynamic and unexpectedly visual (like in a film). It was a really great bit of writing, and I wouldn't change a thing! :D

I must admit though, that I found the physical interaction between Daphne and Callum a bit forced (he seems kind of...sleazy, constantly invading her personal space like that. But he is a controlling type of guy, and it can be an attractive quality)...maybe if he was less flirtatious at times, we could experience his touchy-feelyness in a different context and then everything he does may appear more natural. Or, make him even more forward, thus informing the reader that he is naturally a bit of a seducer.

It was a really nice touch with the cloaked stalker at the end! This is just the right time to add some more action and drama and to widen the horizons of the new magical world that Daphne is learning about, so yay!

Keep it up, this seems to be a really promising story so far!! Feel free to rerequest once you have more chapters and I'll gladly read a few more ;)
cheers!

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Review #4, by ChaosWednesday Fear

26th July 2012:
Hey, it's Whiskey, back for a second review :D

Well, I must agree with most of the other reviewers on one thing: Callum seems like a total creep!! (but a fun kind of creep? I don't know...) If it's his job to find people like Daphne, why is he flirting with her? And if he is flirting with her because he likes her, then how can he like her if he doesn't know her? Unless he DOES know her, which would mean he had been stalking her. Stalking is always creepy.

But it makes sense for her to give him a chance anyways, because, honestly, it doesn't seem like she has very much to loose...

Speaking of which, I must admit that her dilema at the end of the chapter is probably the only real critique I have. I just don't see how there was such a dramatic choice to make in the first place. He offered her information, why would she consider not taking it? It didn't even have to be a question of trust, but a question of seeing where things go. She seems like a rational, independent kind of girl, and she could have decided to co-operate with him while remaining in control, instead of emotionally surrendering to him like she did.

This brings me to one more thing: I have noticed many parallels between your story and the Twilight saga so far! The outsider, quiet girl (without many characteristics) that gets saved from her boring life by a gorgeous, magical and stalkerish guy :P It's a great formula, and I am sure you will add many new details to the story that will make it unique and exciting (can't wait for Hogwarts and the Marauders ;)). But I would like to caution you to stay away from cliches if you can. Keep in mind that Twilight may be ridiculously popular, but it is still basically a curse word among literary critics.

I hope my reviews are helpful so far, I think I'll do at least another chapter!

cheers!

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Review #5, by ChaosWednesday Dark Days

25th July 2012:
Hey, Whiskey here with your review (sorry it took me so long)

First off, I like the idea! Magic is a tricky thing and no institution, not even Hogwarts, can keep everything under control. There are bound to be a few witches and wizards who are left to fend for themselves with powers they can't understand and with no one there to teach them. Scary and exciting!

As to style, I must say the story reads well so far! Very crisp and fast-pased narration :)
Just a few things that stood out, though:
1) You get slightly repetitive in your description of Daphne's difficulties as a child. I would advise to shorten that bit of the chapter, rephrase some part or just add more examples.
2) I noticed a few typos and lacking commas. I like commas (maybe too much), so I just have to point these things out! It's no big deal, though, and easy to fix if you just carefully proof-read the chapter ;)

In terms of content, I noticed only one major thing: Characterization. Daphne is a social outsider, which makes it particularly important for us to know more about her character, since we have no social conventions to guide our inderstanding of how she is. How does she dress? How does she feel about the people around her? What are her interests (besides psychology)? I know its just the first chapter, but since this is a first-person narration, its important to evoke sympathy or interest for the character as quickly as possible. So far I find Daphne difficult to picture.

I hope this didn't seem too critical, since I actually quite like the story so far :)

off to the next chapter!

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Review #6, by daretodream Stranger

19th July 2012:
I want Daphne and Callum to get together, because she just seems so alone and I feel so badly for her! It must be horrible to have to go through your teenaged years so lonely and sad, I would hate that. But she finally has someone she can relate to, someone who understands all that she can do.

So Callum is able to control his magic. I'm still wondering if he had someone teach him, or if her just figured it out for himself. Also, how is he so wealthy? I have so many questions and not enough answers. He is the classic mysterious and elusive character.

Is the man watching her through the window bad, or good? There's something else I'm wondering. Is it a Death Eater? I can't imagine why it would be, because why would they be interested in a muggleborn with absolutely no ability to control her magic, no matter how talented she may be? Who knows.

~Cassie

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Review #7, by daretodream Fear

19th July 2012:
Daphne has to trust Callum, because if she doesn't she'll never get the answers that she desperately wants and needs. If I was her, I would hate every single second of that.

I like that you have her accidental magic occuring so frequently, but she has next to no control over it. It is perfectly plausible that as children got older, their magic would occur more and more frequently as the emotions got the better of them.

Callum is another interesting character. Did he go to Hogwarts? Did he somehow just figure out that he has magical powers, and has spent the time honing how to control them? I'm not sure yet, but I want to know.

I see that in your pairings you wrote Sirius/OC? So does that mean that eventually Daphne does find out who she truly is? Does she go to Hogwarts? I'm very intrigued.

Good chapter!

~Cassie

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Review #8, by daretodream Dark Days

19th July 2012:
Hello!

So the premise of your story is really, really unique. Were there people who could do magic who didn't get Hogwarts letters? The concept is both interesting and slightly horrifying at the same time. Imagine trying to live, not really knowing or understanding who, or what, you are.

Your main character also seems to be pretty well defined for a first chapter. It is understandable that she would want to stay away from people, especially considering how they have treated her so far.

One thing I would strongly suggest you fix is that you have a typo in your story summary. It's spelt their, not thier. It has happened to me before too, because story summaries usually don't have spell check, and I'm sure it's just a stupid typo. I'm not trying to be nitpicky, I just know a lot of people on this site are very particular about spelling and grammar issues, and that will seriously put them off. Fixing it could help you get more readers.

Overall, a cute and intriguing start!!

~Cassie

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Review #9, by Eugenia The Crew

5th July 2012:
Your story is just great. I canīt wait to read more!

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Review #10, by Chelsea The Crew

4th July 2012:
Oh wow.
This is such an original idea! At first I was a bit skeptical, not understanding why there was a group of people very unlike the Wizards and Witches in J.K Rowling's books, but I am pleasantly surprised at the outcome :)
Keep on writing! I need to know what happens!

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Review #11, by LittleLionGirl Fear

28th June 2012:
Love it Cant wait to read MORE!

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Review #12, by LittleLionGirl Dark Days

28th June 2012:
Good start I really Like your protaganist so far :)

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Review #13, by ashleydelacour The Crew

20th June 2012:
Well, I must say, I'm happy to have finally found traces of the world we all love and know! I always hesitate to read stories without at least a main character grounding them, and was really starting to wonder if this was HP related at all.

Really interested to see where this story goes, like I said, all the original characters always makes me hesitate, because I like at least some aspects that are familiar to me.

Making the stalker Sirius was quite an unexpected twist, especially the fact he was conversing with Moody (this is who I think it is based on your description). I also find it very interesting that they all started out completely in the Muggle world, which is definitely something I've never come across in my readings. Your story is refreshingly different, and you can be sure I will continue to read. Keep up the good work! :)

Author's Response: Hey Ashley,
I'm glad you liked the introduction of Sirius. I know it's about time it started making sense why I posted this in the Hpff archives.
Sirius will make regular appearances here on, thanks for requesting. I hope you keep reading. :) Thanks for reviewing!


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Review #14, by bester_jester Stranger

17th May 2012:
You've created two brilliant characters, and a shiver-up-the-spine creepy person. Is this Hogswarty story, or completely different? Love it so far, great work.

Author's Response: Thank you so much! It's great to hear the character being loved so much. It's a different take but will tie into HP canon characters soon. It's sort of a parallel, I guess you could say :) anyway glad you like it!

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Review #15, by SmileyChabbit Stranger

3rd May 2012:
i cant wait to read more of this.=]

Author's Response: Thank you very much :) I do hope you return to read more.

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Review #16, by Broken Butterfly Stranger

3rd May 2012:
Hi Pen 2 paper
I have to be honest and say that I enjoyed reading the story and the writing, plot, characterization and flow is all excellent. I found very few errors but I want to say that the length of the chapters are both a benefit and a take away to the story. I found that in parts of the story I lost interest even though the plot line has my full interest. That leads me to think that the flow of the story could use some adjusting although I have no suggestions as to how. From the perspective of a reader the story is intriguing and I find the concept of the plot, not getting a letter to Hogwarts very uplifting to the story. You have a very good style of writing and it defiantly benefits this story. Good work. I hope that my review helps answer any concerns about your work.
Broken Butterfly

Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much for reviewing my story :) I'm glad you enjoyed the plot and found it intriguing. Thank you for your kind compliments and advice. I will definitely look into flow and structure of the chapters and see if I can adjust it. Thanks a lot for your help.
~Pen2Paper


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Review #17, by AlmostInvisible  Stranger

3rd May 2012:
Hey! Nice going with the story here, you totally have me roped in. :) Keep going with this, I think it's really interesting and I want to know what happens!!

Author's Response: Hey! Thank you so much :) I'm glad you're interested and i really hope you return for future chapters, Thanks for the review :)

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Review #18, by Elenia Stranger

1st May 2012:
Hi ^^

I'm so happy that you updated this story. Even though I'm dying to read the next chapters of 'Heaven Can Wait' and 'Caprice', I'm even more anxious to see where you're taking this story! The plotline is just so original and intriguing, so you should definitely update this one more often!

Loved the beginning! It pulled me right back where the previous chapter ended and helped me remember what had happened.

Daphne is such an interesting character. I think you've done a great job with her; the social awkwardness, the headaches, her temper, they all make me want to learn more about her and to see how she copes with future challenges.

And Callum! I really can't decide what to think about him. I really want to believe he's on the good side, helping Daphne to learn how to use her powers and all. But I don't know, somehow I get the feeling that he might be just doing it all to gain her trust and to get in her good books. Hope I'm wrong though, because I like his character. Oh well, I'll just have to wait and see (:

The part where Callum taught Daphne how to float the feather was brilliant! It was like a scene in movies, where something exciting is about to happen, and the music starts playing stronger and faster, accelerating every moment and then suddenly - silence. I got that from your scene, so I think did an excellent work with that one!

Also liked that Daphne didn't immediately succeed with everything, but that she realised she had a lot to learn. That makes her more believable. Callum demonstrating his powers was also very interesting, and again made me question his ultimate beliefs. Maybe it's just because creating fire seems to be his favourite skill. It's just such a powerful element and can easily cause so much destruction and havoc that it makes me wonder if he really is a good guy...

Then the ending! Who is this cloaked stranger then? Creepy stalker was my first thought, but then I started to ponder that if Callum is possibly the bad guy, then this guy could be the good one, and he/she is keeping an eye on Daphne, to make sure she's okay.

Write faster, okay? ^^

Oh, and I'm hoping this was a good enough review to get an update on 'HCW' soon? d:

Take care!

~E

Author's Response: Hey Elenia! Wow this review really blew me away! THANK YOU SO MUCH! honestly it's just what I needed to give me inspiration you know?

I felt a tiny hint of the previous chapter was needed as there's been a big gap between the chapters. :) I'm glad you like that bit. Caprice has hit a bit of a snag but I've already drafted the next chapter I'll get it out asap after my exams.

I'm really glad that you like this story as well. Its a rather different approach than I'm used to so it's good to know that where i'm going with it looks good so far.

Daphne is a vey interesting character to write and i'm glad she's interesting to read too. She's got a lot of power but she's afraid to use it or even accept it and she's got these paranoid ideas and angst mixes with misunderstood personality. I really like her character and I'm trying very hard to keep her away as much as possible from a Mary Sue.

Callum is essentially cryptic. I LOVE that everyone who reads about him is unsure of him, where he stands and what his game is. As such they dont know where their loyalty stands with Callum. I really have only felt that in movies with certain characters and I'm thrilled that i could bring that to a written character! I love Callum and I have big hopes for him.

The last scene is what I refer to as "The Breaking Scene" which is literally when Callum breaks Daphne into tapping into her powers. So as you can see i refer to my plot as scenes like a movie so I DO in face write like a movie, presenting things the way it happens in a movies :) its interesting for me.

As for the creepy stalker, I am impressed by your judgement on him but you'll have to wait and see... well hopefully not too long cos he'll make his grand appearance in the next chapter and he as a HUGE role in the story so do come back! :D

And as I said HCW is in queue :) THANK YOU SO MUCH E! You're an amazing reviewer!

~Cali


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Review #19, by malfoygirl101 Stranger

30th April 2012:
Ok...this is crazy good :)
Can't wait for the next bit!!

Author's Response: Thanks so much :) I'm glad you like it! :)

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Review #20, by doglover Stranger

29th April 2012:
creepiness!!! what in the world is going on?

Author's Response: :) wait and see! :P Thanks for reading though!

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Review #21, by luna_lovely Fear

11th March 2012:
this has a really interresting story line! i cant wait to see where it goes from here,

Author's Response: Thank you so much :) Hope you continue reading!

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Review #22, by Elenia Dark Days

29th February 2012:
Hey! I'm here! Finally, I know, I can't even believe where the days disappeared! So I'm really sorry for the wait!

Okay let's get started! First of all, yey! A new story! I loved your previous ones so much so I was expecting great things from this story. Didn't get disappointed! This was great!

I mean, wow! The plot is so unique and so interesting! Where do you come up with awesome plans like this? I never thought that people could show magical abilities AFTER the age of eleven, but it actually makes a lot of sense! Such an amazing and original idea!

Your writing is so brilliant as always with all the details and descriptions. Oh and the emotions, you get them come through so strongly. I'm always sighing here jealously (x

Characterization was amazing as always. I really liked Daphne. And the headaches she was experiencing, what an interesting idea! Is it supposed to reflect the fact that she isn't using her skills properly? I always thought something like that would happen eventually, that there would be some sort of side effects, and that's why it would burst out on situations when the person got aggravated, or had some sort of emotional burst.

So I think you definitely have captured the reader's interest with this story. I'm going to force myself to go away now, and not peak at the next chapter, because I want you to come and re-request! Even though I'm only rambling here, and not giving any constructive advice! But I hope I was still helpful and managed to at least give you inspiration to write more of this wonderful story (:

Good luck writing!

~E

Author's Response: OH MY GOSH! I AM SO SORRY FOR THE INCREDIBLY LATE REPLY!
Seriously how did I miss this!?!

Ok... on to the review reply, Thank you so so much for coming by again to read this story too! And I am so thrilled that you liked this one because this is a very different approach than I usually try out. I dont remember how the idea came to me but when it did I chased the plot bunny down and wrote everything I could think of... It's just the setting up part is a bit slow but I plan to move the plot along quickly from here on.

:) I'm glad you like the details its sort of hard for me to find the balance between too much and too little glad you approve of the way I write. I find it helpful when the writer creates the picture giving as much detail as possible :)

Yeah Daphne has magic just like anyone but no one knows why she hasnt shown any signs before 11 and why she's suddenly showing them now... so that's part of the plot development too. Callum is also an interesting character to write as I hope he is to read... I hope you find the next few chapters interesting.

Thank you so much Elenia for reviewing my story and SO VERY SORRY it took so long to get back to you! I hope you haven't abandoned this story on account of that!

~Pen2Paper


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Review #23, by SilentConfession Dark Days

19th December 2011:
Hi! I'm finally here with your review! I'm so sorry it's taken so long for me to get to you! These last few weeks have been so hectic! my computer crashed, i had to then rewrite my term papers and ah! It was hectic! So those are my excuses for taking so long to get to you! I hope you can forgive moi ;D Now, on with the review!

So, i like the premise of this story, how magic doesn't always come by 11 but later. I was actually just thinking if this was even possible the the other day, but i don't see any reason why not. I really liked how you are exploring the idea of the people who are left out. Does she have a different sort of magic? Is that why she was experiencing the headahces? I liked that, although, as far as we know, no other characters feel that intensly when they started magic. So it made me wonder if perhaps she has a different sort of magic, maybe a magic that they train at Hogwarts. Perhaps not since the ships are Lily/James and Sirius/OC, i'm assuming we go to Hogwarts at some point. But this does make me wonder about if there could be magical people who can't be trained with a wand but have some other magic that Hogwarts doesn't accept. Kind of like House Elves or something. Anyway, this is way off topic, sorry. :D

It is also interesting the POV you are working from, it seems at times that all of this is just a remembrance almost. I donít think if that's how you wanted it to be but i wasn't completely against it. But it made me feel like all of this was as little overarching forbidding because i always think that when people remember things itís because they have experienced something traumatic in real time. I think i have probably hit the mark completely wrong and i let my imagination take me for a ride. I think Callum added to this because he just seems a bit off. Almost sinister. Again, not sure if you were going for this, but iím honestly a little wary of him. Is it because heís too perfect (perfect looks AND doesnít follow the typical group think how often do you see that in a character) ?

Another thing i really liked about this story is that Daphne seems consistently written from the beginning onwards. I would have liked to see some more showing characteristics rather than telling but overall i think you are building up her character very well. I'm excited to see how she grows from this point because i think i sort of see a character that can do great things once she accepts her abilities. I want to see more of her because i think there is some great characterization possibilities with her.

A couple of things that i notices though is that is seemed a little jumpy from one scene to the other. It worked to an extent but it felt, to me, a little awkward. Also, i felt like the second scene where she says something like 'at thirteen i could move things with me mind', i felt like if you had used that for your beginning instead of what you used it would have been more of an attention getter. The beginning was very passive and then you hit with that line. It made me feel like i was starting the story again and i might be something you want to consider changing.

Generally though i think you have a great story and i think the greatest bit is just how unique it is which i think will keep people reading to the next chapter.

Author's Response: Hey! I'm so so so sorry about not replying to your wonderful review! This is a mistake I keep making over and over. I check HPFF when I'm bored at work and then when I find some reviews I try to answer then and there but if I see a long review that deserves a good response that cant be typed out on a 2 x 2 screen I leave it to be answered later and in the end I never get around to actually doing it! I'm so very sorry about this. I know how I get when I type out really long reviews and no one answers them for months so I don't even know if they found it offensive in some unintended way :/ Anyway enough of the lame excuses. I'm here with my much apologetic response...

Truth be told I have no idea where to take my protagonist. The idea of someone showing signs of magic at an age later than accepted at Hogwarts popped into my head and like how we all chase plot bunnies I just manically wrote it all down and typed it out. It seemed a half-decent chapter so I put it up at a story and here we are. I do believe Hogwarts in its early years may have had training for different branches of magic but I think currently they follow a curriculum just like any school. I think I'd like to have Daphne have the same power as other children born into magic but since her powers have been dormant for so long they act out in sudden bursts and intense ones at that... we'll see where my imagination takes this :P

I truly love how every reader invariably tells me that Callum is a fishy character as if they flanking Daphne with the same hesitance to trust him. I don't know but it just makes me feel amazing to know that Callum comes off that way :) I have big plans for him!

Thing with first person narratives is it's just easy to tell rather than show so I often tend to do just that. I should really try to provide more interactions and show things from her pov, but I tend to have too much planned for each chapter that I invariably end up 'telling' a part I could have 'shown' Thanks for that I will try and fix it.

I completely get what you're saying about the odd feeling. I'm trying to smoothen it out and I will use you advice definitely to help with that! Thank you so much.

Again, I am SO incredibly sorry to have kept you waiting with this response! You've given me a lot of great advice and even more encouragement and praise! Thank you very very much, I really do very much appreciate this review! Thanks for taking the time:)

~Pen2Paper


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Review #24, by blueirony Fear

11th December 2011:
Please go out and get this published. Kthxbai.

No. Joke. I would never leave a review there. Tempted, because I think that I have really said all I need to say, but I want to gush. And rave. And make you blush. Because this is nothing short of fantastic.

I actually feel like I have just read the first part of a new series of books that I have gotten from the library. You know, those books about people who don't fit in a la Scott Westerfeld, those books that you really shouldn't be reading but do because they're just so good. Yeah, those. This is like one of those. The only way it's different is that I have to basically stalk your author page for new updates. Which is going to kill me, mind you. But I am prepared to do it.

This easily has the makings of a fantastic story. I know I'm gripped. And I hope to God that everyone else in HPFF world is gripped. Because if they're not, they don't know what they're missing.

But that was the fangirl part of my review. Now comes the proper part of my review.

1. Introduction of the story. Brilliant. You don't begin with a long few paragraphs where the character describes themselves to us. No story should ever start like that. You just jump straight in. And that is what is gold about this. I don't need to know what Daphne looks like. In fact, I don't think you have described her once. But I feel like I know her. And that introduction was nothing short of gripping.

2. Character building. Daphne is brilliant. She is your typical teenager, struggling with all the things that teenagers struggle with, but she's different and so relatable. So, so, so relatable. You have so well-rounded. I don't know what she looks like. I don't know what she wears. But I don't need to know that. I know the type of person she is and to do that in just two short chapters is amazing.

Callum is another interesting character. He's kind of creepy, but not in a creepy way, if that makes sense? Like, he's always kind of there in the background, lurking, yet he doesn't seem bad. And I kind of already love him. So, yeah. I'm sold on him.

3. Word choice. There is nothing glaringly out of place in this. All the dialogue is in order, as is the prose part of the story. Your writing is mature, yet still fits in with the age of your characters.

4. Flow and pace. Fast but I like it that way. This story calls for it and you have done well to keep it interesting. I will say one thing, though. The last part of this chapter could be expanded a little bit. Don't get me wrong, I love the fast pace but I think her answer of "Yes" is a bit too fast, I think? I think she needs to have a little bit more of an inward debate before she answers. But that is me being really nit-picky.

5. Plot. Well, you certainly have me hooked. What I'm most interested to see is how you tie the Marauders into this. The only indication of that is in your story description. And I don't know where you are going to take this. But I am so there for the ride. Front seat. VIP pass.

I really hope you update this soon. It would be a shame if you don't because I am really excited for it and I am going to go slightly very nuts waiting for the next update!

Joop.

Author's Response: HOLY MACRO!! OH. MY. GOD!
I /am/ blushing! you should see the grin on my face right now!

I can't believe this! This is AN AMAZING REVIEWWW! ARRRGH!

Thank you SO FREAKING MUCH! This is the kind of review that will make me just sit and write this story because I know it's worth it now :) Seriously the praise you gave me is beyond anything I've ever heard for any material I've ever written before!

I totally know what you mean about books with characters that don't fit in and are infinitely addictive! Arrrghhh! I'm horrible at updating but I promise I will try to get the new chapters out soon! Also in the next few you'll get to see a bit of the Marauders beginning to enter into the story.

I'm really glad you find Daphne such an interesting character! And relatable!!! Thank you so much!
Really all I can say is THANK YOU ! :D:D:D:D

I'll definitely try and update soon :)


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Review #25, by CloakAuror9 Fear

2nd December 2011:
Hey there! Only last night, I was reviewing the first chapter and now here I am...once again! :D

Okay.. so first off, this chapter was really cute! It was all about lopsided smiles and Callum!

I really feel like Callum is the person to trust. He's so easy going, funny and he seems friendly from what I've read but there's this small part of my brain saying that opposes. I don't know, I guess there's a bit of excitement and mystery in him but I'm 80% sure that the Ministry sent him as a 'spy' or maybe Dumbledore did?!

So far a very interesting plot and chapter! I'm really excited for all the explanations on why Daphne and, if applicable/possible, Callum didn't get their letters when they were 11!

My praises to you for creating such interesting and unique story, not only that but you took the courage to actually write it and publish it here. Not many authors can do that since they can't really base the plot with anything from the books and movies.

I'm so glad you wrote this!
CloakAuror9 xx

Author's Response: Hey again! I'm so happy you came back to review chapter 2!
I'm really really glad you liked this chapter and the plot :) I'm also very happy about how you feel about Callum, its exactly the way I wanted to portray him, a little mysterious and charming so that the reader feels like they have to make the same decision as Daphne about whether to trust him or not :)

Thank you so much for coming by and reviewing!
xx


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