Sorry I didnt review for every chapter.. I get sort of lazyy... Great begining I'd have to say. Im deffinatly Team Hara though. despite she's a clever claw. Im a great-gryff myself and I do hope you include the red head in the future; seems like you could have some fun with that girl and her temper.
~One of the Two Never MentionedAuthor's Response: ... Why does everyone like Hara??? /rages
Ahem. Excuse that.
Thank you for your review, and I hope that when I continue the story that all the characters can continue! The red head is the coolest
Your Areas of Concern:
Canon Characters: As there weren’t any mentions of any canon characters, I can’t exactly comment on that!
Pureblood Attitude: “Nana was going to be strong, and stay as far away from riffraff like that girl as possible.” That was a little bit intense to me, and a little out of character for an eleven-year-old. I understand that she was raised to think that way, but the way her parents did not even accompany Nana to the train station told me that maybe Nana would have felt a little bit sorry for the girl whose parents would not even say goodbye, since she too would be feeling a bit rejected from her parents not going to the train station with her. By the way, why is that? I think you probably should explain that bit, because it seems a little off for me, especially for a family who is so used to magic.
Grammar: Teeny-tiny thing: “The feeling of going through solid brick was very disturbing on her senses.” I think you need “to” here instead of “on”.
“He is so full of charm lately, I wonder if he has a new girl?” though she is thinking this, unless you put it in quotes and put it into italics, I think you would need to make this into the past tense to fit the rest of your story.
“Lia help it almost reverently in her hands.” Here I think you meant ‘held’ instead of ‘help’. :)
The characterization again was fine, good for two eleven-year-old girls on the most part.
Plot: “Hara was heartbroken. Her parents had told her that she should stay over for Christmas and Easter. They also said that maybe she could stay at a friend’s for the summer. Between the coldness they had been giving her since her letter arrived and those statements, she knew that they would rather her be gone than have to acknowledge that she was a witch. It hurt her, but she resolved to make them come around over the summer.” This part broke my heart!
I think the bit where Quinten explains Quidditch to Hara is a bit much, and is too much explanation. For that part, I think just explaining that Quidditch was a well-known sport in the magical world would be enough.
One question from me: Why the huge House rivalries? It’s Next Gen, and after Voldemort was defeated, the rivalry between the Houses really got to me. It seems to me like they would not have escalated but maybe toned down slightly.
Sorry again for the long wait and thanks for requesting from me!
~VioletBlade Report Review
Your Areas of Concern:
As there weren’t any mentions of any canon characters, I can’t exactly comment on that, but I will look at it if it comes up in the next chapter!
As for the Pureblood attitude, I can definitely comment on that!
“And I don’t see why you would be so excited about it,” he continued without looking up, “It isn’t as though you are a squib,” he finished, saying the last word as though it was a spoiled apple he ate. Nana frowned. She didn’t have any particular problem with squibs. After all, someone had to clean houses for the people who didn’t have a house elf.”
“Muggle-borns are probably fainting, Nana rolled her eyes scornfully.”
Woow, that’s intense! But if you really are going for high class, stuck-up, Pureblood thinking, it definitely works, and it’s a very nice touch and insight into how Nana’s life is like at home.
Grammar: This was just a typo, but I thought I’d point it out! “Nana wlaked past her bed”.
“and whether the new ones she would make at Hogwarts would think.” I think you mean here, “what” instead of whether. :)
Characterization: “Hopefully other purebloods would be doing the same as her, otherwise she would be weird.” I think this sentence is a good insight into Nana and who she is—which is an eleven-year-old girl trying her best to start figuring out where she belongs in the world, so her need to not be ‘weird’ and belong with others that are like her is definitely what someone her age would think.
I really also liked the way you portrayed Hara’s confrontation with being a witch. Coming from a family that is very against the occult, I feel a connection to her already. I can’t even imagine what would happen if my parents had received a letter like that when I was 11! But you made it very believable. I think if they are truly against her being a witch, they would have had much stronger views on the letter, ex. Wanting to burn it, throwing it away, saying not to mention it ever again, etc. but the way it was, there were obviously some things Hara had done in the past that made it so that her parents weren’t exactly surprised by this revelation, which was a good bit to add the story.
Plot: Though not much has happened besides the two girls getting their letters, I would say the story is off to a pretty good start. It’s not all that gripping, but sometimes that can be difficult with a first chapter. I personally think it was interesting enough to keep on reading, had I been reading the story for pleasure, but that’s just me! It’s an original idea to say the least and I’m excited to read the next chapter! You don’t really see many stories based on OC’s who actually have a different heritage!
I hope my review was somewhat helpful for you and I do apologize for the long wait! Oh and something completely unrelated to the story- I did notice that your chapter image spells the word ‘Finally’ wrong, but I’m sure it was just a typo- sorry, the grammar Nazi in me can’t help but point stuff like that out.
~VioletBlade Report Review
So, I saw your profile on TDA and checked out your HPFF page. I was like OMG when I saw Hyuna on the Banner. Who's the other girl? The story is going on well, and I admit I like Hara more than Nana. She has a cuter personality IMO.
Nana is quite predictable in my opinion. Sorry. But she's like the typical Slytherin. I hope she has a change of heart over the course of the story. I like that you're using Hyuna as her, I can picture her like Nana.
One more thing. I was quite confused when I was reading, some of the dialogues. Maybe if you broke the paragraphs into half to make things more visible and clearer.
This is totally irrelevant but whatever-I've got a story with a dear Korean girl as the main character in it so if you're interested... :D You are a Sone, right?
Sorry for being too honest, but I like constructive criticism, and I think everybody does. I hope I'll be able to help you make your story even better!
10/10 and a fave :) Keep up the good work!Author's Response: Hi ^.^
I personally cannot stand Hara, but that is more of because I have yet to have a definitive personality/plot for her yet. She's Tiffany, which might be why she has a cuter personality. She will be better loved by me later, I hope.
Nana is quite predictable, but that is kind of why she might become more lovable later on to readers. She is so blinded to the real world, but I actually know her personality so it's a bit easier to write her ^.^
I like your crit, and I believe I am going to definitely re write some parts as soon as the queue is open. Thank you so much ^.^ Crit makes me happy. Report Review
I'm so proud of you! Its great, and looks wonderful. How is chapter four coming along? Report Review
Okay, me again. :]
Well, here was another good chapter, but I think you're starting to tread into the realm of the Mary-Sue...oh dear!
Make sure when you're characterizing your OCs that they aren't completely a certain way. Like, for instance, Nana is completely rude and mean and "Slytherin" for lack of a better word. There aren't too many people like that, so you'll start to be predictable if you keep to that course. Just be careful. :]
A couple of just grammatical/plot issues: you have a sentence ("The stories the older students were perfect for making the first ye") that just trails off. See? So you could fix that. :] And also, you say, "there were candles hanging from it." but the candles in the Great Hall don't "hang" from anything, they float.
Mmkay, plotwise I think it's moving along nicely. I like that you put in Scorpius. :D Love the Malfoys! And good job throwing in...Rose? I think that was the Weasley, right? And...yes. You're doing well. If this is a story about both Nana AND Hara, make sure you give them equal time in the story (this chapter really focused on Nana).
Good job so far! It has a lot of promise. Good luck and happy writing!
--EmilyAuthor's Response: Thank you, again, for hitting hard on Nana. Looking back, yeah, she is way too stereo Slytherin, especially for an eleven year old.
And yes, it is Rose =) Report Review
A second good chapter! I liked how much characterization you got into without bogging it down with descriptions (that's something I forgot to mention in my last review--chapter one almost had TOO much description, especially of Nana's room).
I love the character interaction. You can tell how different Nana and Hara are just by who they make friends with and how they act towards them.
One minor error: at one point somebody says, "I am assuming that you are a Muggle." But it should technically be "muggleborn," right? And how would he know that?
Great job with moving the plot along. There are a couple places where dialogue gets kind of difficult to follow, but it's not terrible at all. I think you're doing well.
--Emily Report Review
Hey there! You requested reviews from me AGES ago, but I've been really quite busy. So here I am to check out your story!
First off, as I warn everyone with OCs, don't let Nana and Hara become Mary-Sues. You don't want them to be perfect and predictable. Don't fall into that trap of thinking that they have to polarize on their thoughts (totally pureblood or totally Muggle, etc.).
A slight continuity: you said the Hogwarts crest had a "badger, lion, snake and owl." The "owl" should be an eagle. :]
Good job setting up the characterization for both OCs. I think you have a solid idea of who they are and conveyed that well to your readers. I'm sure this story will go places if you keep up the good work.
Overall, well done. I'll keep watching for signs of Mary-Sue-ness, but right now, you don't have to worry too much.
--Emily (DarkRose on the forums)Author's Response: Ah, thank you for that. I have no idea why I keep thinking that Ravenclaw is an owl.
Nana mellows out a bit, hopefully enough to un Mary Sue her.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Your character development is true to what you established in the previous chapter. I don't feel that Nana, really has too much of an attitude yet, but i'd love to work on developing one with you. I have an idea for a good idea for an exercise in writing on developing things. This is a really good story so far, that it put together and intriguing.Author's Response: thank you! I would love the exercise Report Review
I really like this, it has well developed plot, and decent character development. It could use some work in description and imagery, but overall between your writing style,good grammar and plot it is a great story.Author's Response: Yes, that's what my creative writing advisor told me.
thank you for reviewing! Report Review
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