I love this story. Google tells me you have another chapter, but it's still not showing up! It's been more than 2 weeks! Report Review
fantastic story! Can't wait for the next chapter! Report Review
this is a fantastic start! so great! Report Review
Poor Lily. I know she is doing what she thinks best, but it seems to really be bugging her, and quite a few people around her.
I think that this was a good chapter. You had a nice flow, and even though Lily really seemed OOC, it's because that's the way you wrote it. I think that it was really good.
You gave a good reason as to why Lily would act like that, and it helped give a feeling of good when the other characters noticed her acting strange. So good job there!Author's Response: Thank you! Report Review
Extreme apologies for taking forever to do the review! I really just don't know what it going on with my life right now. Ugh.
I adore Lily, I honestly do, but right now she is being a terrible person and it is not acceptable anymore because she knows that what she is doing is wrong. She is keeping James' up when clearly she doesn't want anything to do with him. She's just doing it to make Severus jealous, and I am not happy with this.
Like she's hitting two birds with one stone really, though maybe she didn't mean to hit the other one, but she's going to end up doing it anyway. I think what we learnt from this chapter is that Lily is really smart when it comes to academic stuff, but when it comes to relationships...well yeah, she's not the smartest knife in the drawer.
Sorry for that! I don't mean to hate her! I seriously love her, I really do, but sometimes her character just irritates me.
Your chapter is really great, especially in length! Dear me, how could you write something like that?! I really like the way you're characters aren't all 'Aww! Its so cute you're talking to James now!" like...normal people don't do that.
Normal people wonder why someone is suddenly talking to someone after years of not even having a civil-not-threatening-conversation, and thankfully your characters did so you deserve a pat on the back for that! *pat-on-the-back*
The only thing I would like to see is James' take on what's happening. I mean sure he's happy about this, but doesn't he wonder about why Lily is suddenly talking to him.mhm.
CloakAuror9 xx Report Review
Interesting. I always think you have to judge prologue’s slightly differently to an opening chapter as they are much more designed to hook and lay the foundations of a story. I think you did it in a fairly interesting way here, and I wonder what the style is like in the following chapters, because while I think it works here, as an introduction, I don’t think it would work as the main narrative of a story. At times I thought things were a little too ambiguous, like you were trying to make up the word count by filling it with little descriptive sentences that when you got down to it, didn’t really mean very much. However, generally, the style worked.
You asked about characterisation. We don’t really see much here from anyone aside from Snape, and even then, you’re telling us a lot of things about him, rather than showing, which I think you could have probably saved for your main story. In regards to the portrayal of Snape, I think you both hit and missed. I think Snape would want Lily to realise ‘how powerful he was, how he could create spells to bring grown men to their knees (or string them up by their ankles), but I don’t think he’d think it was inevitably going to happen. If he did, I think he’d be a lot more confident, self-assured and a lot less jealous of James. If he was so sure, why would he worry that Lily would find someone else attractive? I also disagree with this part,
‘One thought his blood made him superior to others. (He would be proved wrong). He used whatever type of magic he wanted, no matter how dark it was, and would do anything to have his way. He was selfish, rude, and mean.’
Personally, I really don’t think it’s Snape. To start with, Snape is a half-blood, and there is no evidence that his mother was a Pureblood, so even if he did want to think his blood made him superior, there would be other children from fully Pureblood families who would put him in his place.
What I do like, though, is the way you talk about the deterioration in Snape and Lily’s relationship, especially in contrast to what you say Snape is thinking, and I also like the way you refer to Snape calling Lily a Mudblood as making his choice. A good way to describe the situation in not very many words.
Something that I thought jarred the flow of the prologue, though, was the jump to talking about Lily at the end. I had been enjoying your thoughts on Snape and then all of a sudden, that stopped and Lily took over. It almost felt as though you had written two prologues and forgotten to delete the one at the end.
However, your spelling and grammar are good, as are most of your choice of words in your sentences (there were a few places where I thought an extra word could give added meaning to a sentence, and I think you’ve misunderstood what ‘toeing the line’ means). I enjoyed reading this, it was a good beginning and I’m intrigued to read the rest of the story.Author's Response: Thank you so much for your insights! I'll keep them in mind as I revise and continue the story! Report Review
Awesome second chapter! I really enjoyed reading it! :D Now, onto the areas of concern:
Grammar: Just simple grammatical errors that you've might've overlooked. "Stair case" should be "staircase;" there should be commas after years; I caught one or two run-on sentences; and I noticed a lot of misused punctuation in your dialogue. Just skim it over before you post, and you should catch most of these :)
Plot: Nothing wrong here! You've established all of Lily's relationships in this chapter, which is great :) I love the way the chapter ended, with Lily and James becoming friends. I can't wait to see where this leads! I also really enjoyed reading about the paper war in Zimmerman's class; it made me laugh haha :) In addition, adding the breakup where you did was perfect - it just added fire to the flames and started off the chapter just right.
Flow: Nope, no problems here! Just smooth sailing! ;) Your writing style is brilliant!
Characterization: No problem here either :D I absolutely love all your characters and how you describe them (even Oliver, haha)! My absolute favorites have to be Edric and Eliza. They're like the ultimate best friends: they always know what to say, do, or think to make Lily feel better. Zimmerman reminds me of one of my favorite teachers at school, so I hope to see more of him in future chapters; he's like the perfect teacher: chill yet strict. James is...James. You've done a great job characterizing him as well. We can obviously see how in love he is with Lily and that he'd do anything for her - but we've also seen him act childishly (the paper-throwing), so that gives us a good idea where he is maturity-wise. We know he grows up a lot between year 6 and 7 (from JKR's writing) and that's why Lily finally goes out with him. So it'll be fun to watch him mature and see how Lily will fall for him. (Or, at least, that's what I'm hoping for :D) Lily's character is fun to read, and she's exactly that red-headed, brave, intelligent girl JKR envisioned - awesome job! My favorite lines from this chapter has to be:
"Miss Evans!" McGonagall had paused her lecture, Lily immediately returned to her forward facing position, "Is there something more interesting about Mr. Potter than what I have to teach you?"
"No, Professor," Lily responded, "Not at all."
So excellent job on your second chapter! :D Thank you for re-requesting!Author's Response: Thank you so much for such a detailed review! I'll try to watch my grammar while I'm writing, but I have to admit, commas and the like are definitely not my strong suit.
I'm glad you enjoyed it! It's always nice to be told I'm doing a good job! :) Report Review
Hey...so you told me that you wanted Chapter Two reviewed as well so here I am! :P
That was such a bittersweet chapter. I have read about Snape and Lily's fight so many times, but every time I do...my heart just gets torn up into millions of tiny pieces. Its so sad! But its Snape's fault anyway...should've never let his tongue slipped. -.-
I must admit, I was quite shocked by the length of the chapter...compared to the first one this is like five times longer than it normally is...so yeah..was a bit surprised. :P
The pace was also quite fast, personally, I don't think Lily would become friends ever so quickly with James like that after years and years of hate on him, but on another side I think its reasonable enough because Lily is a very forgiving person...so yeah..I'm in the in-between. xD
Overall, again a well done chapter and I just love this story!
Green With Envy 2012,
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review this! I really appreciate it, and I'm glad you're enjoying it! Report Review
OH MY GOSH! WHAT DID I JUST READ?! IS THIS SOME FAIRYTALE OF SOME SORT?! WHAT THE HELL...ITS SO FANTASTIC I CANNOT EVEN COMPREHEND! THAT WAS AMAZING. OMG!
*ten minutes later*
Okay...I calmed down now. So sorry for that introduction, your story was just too amazing and I literally sat here in front of the computer for a minute of two thinking 'Is it just me or is did some unicorn sneeze all over her work and made it so magical?'
That was. so. so. so. amazing. Jeez! Amazing doesn't even cover it. Like...that was THE BEST first chapter of a story I have ever read in my entire lifetime. Oh my gosh...I am speechless...my awesomeness metre just broke down. Holy sheesh.
Oh my gosh...I am so sorry for the unhelpful review, but this is literally THE BEST ever. Omg. I can't even breathe properly. So amazing...super...just absolutely wonderful.
Why does this have seven reviews? This needs a gazillion more! Oh My Rowling...phew! I seriously love the story. I really like the way you described and compared Severus and James. I like the way you mentioned their flaws and didn't make it sound as bad as it was. I don't know why, but it feels likes fairies sprinkled some fairy dust on your story and made it so fantastic.
This is...so fantastic. Omg. Your story is too high quality to be rated :P I'll give you a 10/10 though...but only because the rating thingy doesn't go any higher. :(
Green With Envy 2012,
CloakAuror9 xxAuthor's Response: This actually made my entire week. :D Thank you so much! I'm very glad you enjoyed it! Report Review
Plot: Once again your plot is just fine and I am really thoroughly enjoying this story. I love the flow of the story and I just love your style. My favorite part of this chapter was everyone being shocked about Lily and James becoming friends and I just loved how Meg gave Lily a hug after practice because James cut practice short.
Characterization: Is great! The flow of the characters is nicely and I think that you write Lily very well!
10/10 :) Can't wait for an update so that we can see what happens next!Author's Response: Thank you so much! It means a lot to know that you enjoy reading this! :) Report Review
Plot: The plot and the flow of this chapter is just perfect. Your writing style is excellent. I really enjoyed the paper fight and I just loved how Lily's friends were trying to guess who was it who had her so worked up and their reaction when they realized she was mostly overall upset about Snape. I enjoyed the interaction with James and Lily at the beginning of the chapter and how they came to the truce!
Characterization: Characterization is perfect as well! I feel like I can actually hear them talking and your characters are just so real! I am really into this story so far :) And I can't wait to continue reading! Its such a good read. 10/10 so far :)Author's Response: Telling me my characters are real is probably the greatest compliment you can give me. I try so hard to make the dialogue sound natural and for the characters to seem realistic, so it's so nice to hear that it's working.
Thank you so much for reviewing! Report Review
What a great way to start the story! And I loved your writing style for the prologue. It made the reader (or at least me!) More curious to find out about what's about to happen. So far the flow of the story is excellent!Author's Response: Thank you! I'm glad the prologue is serving its purpose in making you interested! Report Review
Lily's dry sense of humor is captivating.
Her logic is certainly upside down, though. Being friends with James to anger Snape? Honestly, it's something that I can completely see her doing. I know too many people who have done this; heck, I've done this. It's a terrible thing, but makes complete sense at the time. (And, it helps that we know it works out alright, for the most part. Disregarding the fact that they all die.)
I want to comment on the length. It's fantastic, really. The prologue was shorter than these past chapters, but that is expected from a prologue. I always have a heard time writing a chapter with ~4/5k words, but find that they are definitely (when written well, as yours) much more captivating to read, draw me in more.
Del<3Author's Response: I'm glad you thinking Lily's actions are realistic, even if the logic is a little off. That's the point though, isn't it? She's letting her emotions get the best of her, and when that happens, you don't always make the best decisions. It happens.
As for the length, I'm glad you like it! People have said they're too long, so it's good to know that you're enjoying them. :)
Thank you so much for taking the time to review this! Report Review
This was amazing. I love the paper fight in class, I can completely see that happening at some point. And, it was a wonderful way to ease the tension of the chapter, something light and fun to counteract the turmoil of Lily's emotions in this.
Lily seems so real, so human in this. I think we've all been where she is now; the build up of frustration and emotion just breaking loose all at once. It was well written, and Edric and Eliza are just what Lily needed at that moment. I love people like them, the people close enough with you to know that sometimes you just need to cry and then change the subject.
"In the fireplace, the last of the embers extinguished itself." Brilliant use of imagery! It's like the clock running out on the time Lily has to take back her offer.
I adore your writing style, too. How a story is written tells just as much as the words used to write it, you know what I mean?
Del<3Author's Response: People comment on the paper fight a lot, and it's strange because I really didn't put that much thought into it. I'm glad it worked out.
I'm so glad Lily is coming across well. I was so worried about her! It's so relieving to know that people like the way I'm writing her.
I do know what you mean! I'm a firm believer in it, and I'm so glad that you think I'm doing it well. :) Report Review
I'm very glad you requested this.
I'm a huge fan of the way this is written. The 'there once were two boys' is very reminiscent of how old fairy tales and legends are written. The Lily/Snape/James story is one of those legends that will stand forever in the hearts of HP fans everywhere.
The comparisons between James and Severus show just how different they are at the core of their beings. And just how similar they are; their lives will be equally ruled and ruined by the love of one woman.
I'm very interested to read the rest of this :)
Del<3Author's Response: Oh, Thank you!
I'm glad you enjoyed it! I tried really hard to get it to sound just right. I'm so glad it came across! Thank you so much for the review! Report Review
What an awesome way to start off a story :)
You have provided an excellent background to work off of. Don't change this chapter, seriously. Sometimes direct characterization can be dull and annoying, but here you wrote it well. I see no problem with the plot - although since we already know James and Lily's story (and you've already told us how it ends), you will really need to spice up your chapters to keep readers hooked. But other than that, I see nothing wrong with this. Keep writing! I would love to do more reviews for you on this story :DAuthor's Response: I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I hope you the next chapters are up to par with it! Thank you so much for taking the time to review! Report Review
I really liked this chapter!
I thought you did a wonderful job characterizing Lily and James and their friends. I really liked how it showed them as friends, but Lily kind of felt like she had to hold back some. I also thought you did a great job showing the characterization of Slughorn and Severus. Slughorn with that turn my eyes and look the other way attitude and Severus being upset.
I thought the flow was great along with the pace of the chapter. I didn't notice any typos/spelling/grammar errors or odd senetnces. I can't wait to find out what is going to happen next!
Keep up the great work! =)
-SR17Author's Response: Hi!
I'm glad you enjoyed my characterization! I'm always so worried about it. Thank you so much for taking the time to review! I really appreciate it! Report Review
I liked this chapter as well! Reading it was a bit of a bite. I think it drug just a little bit, but it wasn't so bad!
I think that you did a really great on this chapter. Again using the first chapter which was a great start, you added more body, more depth to your characters, which turned out really nicely!
I think you did a great job, and I really loved it.Author's Response: Thank you! Apparently this chapter is long. I am sort of used to reading close to 100 page chapters on fics, so I didn't even realize how long it was! I hope it was too boring! I'll try to tone them down a bit in the future. I'm so glad you enjoyed it! Thank you so much for taking the time to review! Report Review
I think this was very well done! I love how it started and how the chapter ended up finishing.
I think that you described the two boys really wonderfully, and I think that I really loved how you did it. You also gave just enough information that I want to keep reading and I want to know what is going to happen.
That is an awesome thing, and I thought this first chapter was a great introduction chapter.Author's Response: Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it! :) Report Review
Hi there, it's Livingfairytale again from the forums with your second review. I'm really excited to read & review this chapter, so let's get started!
First impression: Wow, the way you started was again magnificent, it pulled me in immediately and I couldn't keep my eyes off it. Your plot is moving smoothly forward, and the way you use descriptions; wow, just... wow, beautiful. I just can't find anything negative to say, I'm sorry! lol.
Characterization: I always find it very hard to judge on characterization when it comes to marauder characters. We know so little about them, except for Remus, Sirius and Peter of course, but Lily seems very in character, there's absolutely nothing wrong with her and the way she acts. Some people write her as a nice bookworm, and some write her as an annoying little brat lol, but both can be correct, right? So I think you've done a great job. But who is this guy, Oliver Finch? Did you made him up, or has his character something to do with JK Rowling's character Justin Finch-Fletchley? Just being curious :)
Clarity & Believeability: Your story sounds very believable and the plot, characters and setting are developed fully and organized well. I think you're doing a great job on this story, and again, I have nothing negative to say. Your descriptions are believable, your dialogues are believable, everything seems in place! I thought the little fight in Professor Zimmermann's classroom was hilarious, it actually made me giggle out loud lol! And the little notes between James and Lily were great, nicely done.
Overall: Another lovely chapter! I really like how your story is progressing. It was a little long, yes, but definitely not boring. Please feel free to re-request if you update another chapter. I would love to read more of it! Keep up the great work.
x LivingfairytaleAuthor's Response: Hey! I'm so glad you're enjoying the story! I can't see a problem with you having nothing negative to say, other than perhaps growth of my ego!
I feel the same way about marauder characters and the marauders, we have more of an idea with Remus and Sirius, but still not a great picture. So there's really a lot of freedom with them. Unfortunately some people have Lily pegged as some sort of angel, so something where she's not perfect or not perfectly rude seem really foreign to them. I'm a firm believer in happy mediums. :) As for Oliver Finch, he has no relation to Justin, I just keep a list of first and last names and they just happened to line up.
Thank you so, so much for your delightfully detailed reviews! Despite not having much criticism, they are VERY helpful and I love them! I will definitely let you know when the next chapter is posted! Report Review
Hi there, it's Livingfairytale from the forums with your requested review, let's get started!
First impression: Honestly, you got me hooked from the very first sentence. I like how you started off with some description, it gave me, as a reader, a nice impression. The way you use description tells the reader exactly what's going on, which is really good. Overall, a very good first impression.
Characterization: I find it hard to judge on characterization at this point, since it's not written from a particular point of view, but the way you described all characters was magnificent. Also, it was really nice how you showed the reader the differences between both boys, but in the end, they both died for the girl they loved, so eventually, they actually had a lot in common!
Clarity & Believeability: I found everything very clear from the start, and very believable. Nothing seemed to be out of place, so I have absolutely nothing negative to say! I'm curious how the story will turn out.
Overall: What an amazing prologue! I really want to read more, so I'm going to read & review the second chapter right away. Keep it up!
x LivingFairytaleAuthor's Response: Hey! Thanks for stopping by!
My intent with the prologue was definitely to draw people in, so I'm glad it's served its purpose. :) I know there wasn't a ton of characterization in the prologue, but it was really only meant to give a vague idea.
Basically I'm just really glad that you enjoyed it ! Thank you so much for reviewing! :) Report Review
I saw Aaron Johnson and Karen Gillan on the same banner and nearly died. Then I saw it was a Lily/James (my PERFECT James and Lily!) and was fangirling like mad for ages. Then, of course, I actually read the story and loved it even more.
This is fantastic, and as opposed to just writing aimless words, you're weaving a story and an atmosphere. It's brilliant. Well done.
Few things though, is that some of your sentences run on, and in the end, don't make sense structurally.
+ 'Glasses set upon a long-ish nose framed his sparkling hazel eyes, a crooked smile was marked with slightly crooked teeth, and there was a dimple on only one side of his face.'
- 'Glasses that were set upon a longish nose, framed his sparkling hazel eyes. A crooked smile showed slightly crooked teeth and exposed a dimple, only found on one side of his face.' See how that makes slightly more sense? Before, while you got the description across, as a sentence, it didn't make sense. Hopefully you get what I mean. :S
Anyway, other than that (that was the main sentence I found, but there where one or two other things, though I can't find them again now) this was brilliant. :)
Lily and James are my OTP and this story shows so much promise. Your banner is beautiful by the way. The artists over at TDA have done it again ^_^
Hopefully my review is somewhat helpful, and keep up the great work,
- Adele :)Author's Response: Oh god, I KNOW. If Karen and Aaron are even in a movie together I will DIE. I will also never be able to watch it seriously because I'll just be picturing them at Lily and James. They are just too perfect for words.
I'm glad you enjoyed my story! And I definitely understand what you mean about that sentence. I remember struggling with that while writing it, trying to get it to make sense without ruining the atmosphere of the whole thing. I'll give it another read through and see if I can't make those areas a bit better.
Thank you so much for your help, and I'm glad you enjoyed reading it! :) Report Review
Your characterization was wonderful in this chapter. You really did a good job capturing Sirius, James and their pranking ways. You also showed us that James has another side of him that isn't easily swayed by Sirius. I think you did a wonderful job with all of the characters even when you included some that only played minor parts into the story line. However, Lily was by far fantastic.
You could relate to the characters as you read about them and what they were going through.
Your off to a wonderful start so keep up the great work. I will be waiting to read more. =)
-SR17Author's Response: Thank you! I'm especially glad to hear that you like Lily! A lot of people tend to think I write Lily OOC (How Lily can be OOC when we literally have like three facts about her personality is beyond me), so it's always nice to hear that she's being written accurately. Thank you so, so much for the review! Report Review
I really liked the start of your story. It's clear to me as a reader what your going to talk about in your story so that is nice. It's also an original way to start. =)
Can't wait to see what's next.
-SR17Author's Response: Thanks! I'm quite fond of the prologue, actually. It might be one of my favorite things I've written. It's good to know that it's serving its purpose! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Report Review
Jesus Christ! That was such a long chapter, the website logged me off! Don't get me wrong, I loved it, but wow!!
Im a little confused in the time of this. Is it her Sixth or Seventh Year? I think it is her Seventh but when I was reading it, it just made me think it was her Sixth.
I really do love this story. I like Lily and James being friends, though it does seem weird that, all in one day, she goes from hating him to being his friend. And I would have thought James would be a little more excited after getting these news.
Anyways, this is so good and I do not understand how you do not have more reviews. I think maybe the length scared some people because this could easily have been four or five chapter!
Well, Update soon! And don't feel the need to make it this long! We still love it!
TheKikGeekAuthor's Response: Thanks for your review! I'm sorry you thought it was a bit too long, but I'm glad you enjoyed it anyway!
As for your questions: Yes, Lily is in her 6th year. Lily's sudden friendship with James seems a little odd probably because Lily's intentions aren't very friendly... (But this will be addressed more later). As for James' reaction, I think there was a general air of confusion, caution, and a bit of frustration that masked the excitement. It's there though, you'll see it soon :) Does that clear things up?
Thanks again for taking the time to review! It means so very much :) Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon! Report Review
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