you are such a good writer: the imagery you use is amazing and oh i wish i could write like you but seriously put up more chapters! Report Review
I really like this... it's very different! I think it would be great to develop this into a story rather than leave it as a one-shot, but hey! your choice. xxAuthor's Response: Thank you so much! Hmmm...we'll see, if I can get the reviews up to around 15, 16. I have loads of ideas, certainly ;) Thank you so much for reviewing, x ! Report Review
Very nice! I really enjoyed the stolen moment feeling you created between the two of them. If you plan to continue (and I think you should), you could extend that into more and more stolen moments until they know each other a bit. Personally, I find it's much easier to make D/G work if you go at it slow - because there is much about both of them that has to change/develop in order to overcome the blood traitor/ Death Eater thing.
All italics - I will give that the look does lend itself to your story. It makes it feel like a truly (truely? Bother. Neither look right.) lost moment. If you continue the story however, I think you'll find that you'll need to revert to standard font with italics for emphasis. Otherwise, you'll annoy yourself and everyone else.
Run ons - Flow is my thing. I'm picky about it. Wording and pacing make up so much of the mood that I feel it is vital. You've done a very nice job with the flow. The story reads smoothly, for the most part. I've always been partial to long sentences too. However, there is something to be said for a little variety, and grammar as well. I think, you'll find that if you go back and vary your sentences some, you can create much more emphasis on places with what I like to call "the damning little understatement". In addition to that, if you vary their internal structure some (ie: not start every sentence with he or Draco - not that you did that all the time, but there were clusters of paragraphs like that) they'll flow more smoothly and less repetitively.
Author's Note - Don't give it away! Make them read the story to find out who the girl is. I'm sure most everybody saw the pairing anyway, but leave a little mystery. Add your loves for D/G (because really, we all feel that way down deep!) at the end, after we've discovered it.
The "Lust" Thing - This word in particular bothered me. Mostly because it was so incongruous with the rest of the picture you painted. WHile lust is, undoubtedly, fire and ice and passion and relief and anger and everything else rolled into a physical connection at an opportune moment - that is not the picture you have painted here. This is not a needy, sexual piece. This is a needy, emotional peice. Yes, there is a connection between them, you did a beautiful job highlighting their similarities and showing that connection. Turning around and describing it as lust does it a disservice. There is desire, and attraction. But you've put the emotional need at the forefront, and done it quite well. Don't sell it short. And, on a purely aesthetic note, the word lust is so ugly - it sticks out like a sore thumb when you've got it smack in the middle of all your pretty, elegant, almost mournful prose.
This is a wonderful little moment. It needs a little work to smooth out the edges, true, but it is a brilliant beginning peice. I think with a little polish, this could turn from a good little vignette to a jewel of a story. I'm aware that I come across a little stuffy and haughty in reviews, so if I did, please don't take it personally. I don't mean it in that way at all. It's challenging to communicate dry humor via writing. At any rate, please feel free to contact me via the email on my homepage if you need any help or have any questions at all!Author's Response: Thank you so much! You have no idea how much I appreciate this kind, and more importantly, proper, review.
I am taking it slow in the other stories I am writing. I hate stories where love is, so to say, rushed. I purposely left out a kiss in this scene, I originally had one written ,but it felt wrong. I deleted it.
For now, I am leaving in in italics, I think. But if I get more reviews, say, 15, I will continue and change the script. But still, I understand of course!
To grammar and more: I am 13, which I think doesn't make me that good at writing OR grammar yet, sadly. But I hope to improve and thank you so much for putting the critics in a sweet and kind way. :)
Special Thanks for the author's note bit, I changed it! Can't believe I didn't notice that I put her name, or that this would give away most of the moment! Thank you!
I think it sounds wrong now as well. I'm sure you know the feeling when you finish a piece, fly through it because you want it published, don't really look it through again and a little later you think 'No, want that changed. That's not right.' I have this often.
Thank you again, so much, for this wonderful, long review. It means so much to me to have people read my work and properly write to me on it. I will definitely have another look through. Thank you, I will! Report Review
Wow, this is really, really good!
I'm not a fan of Ginny/Draco at all, but this is spectacular. The emotions you described from Draco were so deep, so genuine. They were just tumbling out of him, and he was letting them fall.
Even though I really enjoyed a lot of this, I'm a stickler for canon, so this was quite out of character for Draco especially, but I respect those who write non-canon as well. :)
Great work! :)Author's Response: Thank you so much! :)
Yes, I usually am too when I read other people's stories, but Rowling did mention Draco, lets put, 'crying' in the bathroom. (Why does this sound so weird for me?) :D
Anyway, thank you so much for the review, it made my day!
I've never read Draco/Ginny. I never really liked it. But I do like this. No. That's a lie. I love this.
I seriously wanted to cry when Draco cried and smile when he smiled. I love stories that bring out my emotions, letting me feel what's happening. This did. Wow.
One question, though: is it meant to be in italics? :)
Amazing. I can't wait to read more of your stories. :)
Sam.Author's Response: Thank you so much! This is one of the main points I was trying to achieve, bring people who have never read this pairing to like it in this story.
Well, I must confess, I know it's a little odd but I find it makes it more emotional in Italics. It's hard to describe, but it gives me the 'one-shot' feeling. I had it written in normal Verdana beforehand, read it and thought 'Nope, something HAS to change.' this was it.
Thank you so much for the kind review!
oh this is brilliant! The way you get into Draco's mind! You open him up like a letter, and piece by piece dissect his thoughts, making him more likable to the audience. Wonderfully crafted, and well done!Author's Response: Wow, thank you so much! You review really well :) I tried very hard to make people understand Draco, because JK.Rowling definitely left a lot of options free to write stories ourselves about his sixth year.
Thank you so much for the review! Report Review
Hey :) I really liked this, I feel like you capture both of them really well! If you were to make it into a short story I'd like to read it.Author's Response: This is exactly what I was trying to achieve, partly. Thank you so much for the review, it really make my day! It would mean the world to me if you could maybe spread the word a little about this story/one-shot. I really hope for a few more reviews and then I will maybe continue it. The trouble is that I don't want you guys to have to high expectations on the next bits, okay? Keep reviewing, makes my day shine brighter! Thank you so much! Report Review
Wow. This really blew me away. You write so beautifully.
Please please please please continue this story. I have always liked Ginny and Draco together.
This is worthy of a 10/10
-dramionedrunadrinnyAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the review :)
It made me really happy.
I know! I like them so much together. For me they fit perfectly, because I think its a possibility for Draco to overcome the 'Blood Traitor thing' and love her. :)
Again, thank you so much. I will try and write more of it!
hey you should do this into a short story possibly. it was excellent.Author's Response: Thank you so much!
I think I will! I have already started to plan out a little more of what could happen! :)
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