Hey, this is princessOFparis here from the forums with your review!
Scorpius: His character could have deserved a little more attention, especially since this is in his point of view. I like that you are sneaking in his personality into his dialogue and thoughts, but try and describe more how Rose reacts to his actions. Perhaps Scorpius could talk a bit more, since that seems to fit in with his personality. Make sure the reader knows what his character is like. Also, you mention in the summary that Scorpius loves red things. I think that should have been a bigger theme in the story, as well as more heavily emphasizing Rose's red hair.
Rose: Again, a little more work on her character; try and highlight the qualities that made her annoying to the rest of the school. Rose is not just a secondary character, so make sure you describe her more thoroughly.
Moving on: I didn't find any huge grammar and/or spelling mistakes (I think the previous reviewers took care of that one). I think expanding this story would be necessary, as you leave the ending open to more ideas. If you don't want to write more, you could edit the ending so it provides more closure to Scorpius and Rose's relationship.
Great job! 9/10Author's Response: thanks so much for the review! i'll be taking what you said into consideration as i continue to edit the story to perfection! Report Review
This story was very cute, and rather original, too, since I've never read a story where Rose and Scorpius were late for the Hogwarts Express and had to wait together.
I don't know if it's just me,but Scorpius tends to say "bloody" a lot. And in this sentence, "Grab my arm and we shall Apperate there.", it is supposed to be spelled like "Apparate" with an a.
Other than that, lovely story, I very much enjoyed it! :DAuthor's Response: thanks for the corrections and leaving a review! it means so much! Report Review
I love it! I hope your planning on writting more, I could really get into this story. Your doing a great job. :DAuthor's Response: thanks so much for the awesome review! it really made my morning! Report Review
Well, if they make your insides tickle, then I'll be happy to oblige :D
I really like your story despite the fact there is only one chapter... so please update soon!Author's Response: thanks so much for the awesome review! Report Review
aw, thats cute. :) i didn't see any mechanical errors, it looks and sounded pretty spectacular. i think if you just didn't say bloody as many times in the beginning it would have just made it a bit better. but i do really like it, it was cute in a way. i cant wait til then next chapter, if you continue with it, that is! ♥Author's Response: thanks love! i appreciate it! Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! :)
I'm a bit of a mechanics fiend, so bear with me while I rattle them off. (Sorry. I can't help it!)
- First paragraph: The way the second sentence is structured is a bit odd for this to be coming from Scorpius's point of view. I would say "His mother wanted to discuss his workload for the year" instead.
- Third paragraph: First sentence is a bit off as well. The placement of the parentheses shouldn't affect the rest of the sentence, which reads "Quickly through the barrier he sighed." That's not really grammatically correct.
- There were a few misspellings - it's "damsel" not "damsal" and "Finnigan" not "Finnegan" (unless her boyfriend is unrelated to Seamus, but if so I'd change the name so it doesn't come across as a spelling error.
- While it looks weird, the plural of a name is just "-s," not "-'s." It should be "Malfoys," "Weasleys," and "Potters," not "Malfoy's," "Weasley's," and "Potter's," which is singular possessive.
- There were a few points that you had "[dialogue]" without any punctuation on the end - punctuation of some kind should appear before end the quote.
Okay, now with that out of the way! On the whole, this was a fun story. Awkwardness in that one sentence aside, the way Scorpius was complaining about his mother making him late was classic and so the quintessential parent-teen dynamic. I also liked his thoughts in general - I really got a sense of his personality through them without them feeling out-of-place or forced, which was great. His conversation with Rose was also good.
There was one part where it felt a bit rushed: it seemed like he'd just gotten onto the platform, and suddenly almost no one was there. Given that I'm sure that many people got there through methods other than Apparation (either because they were muggles, had children, or just didn't like to), that didn't make sense to me. I also wanted to see how Rose came to miss the train, but her brother didn't, and why none of her family noticed it.
It would have been nice to see Scorpius's thoughts about his family worked in a tiny bit more smoothly. As it was, it felt a little out of place - if you'd included maybe one or two more sentences about Rose not knowing how lucky she was or something that, it would have flowed better. The same with the reference to Jacqueline Turner - it felt almost a little forced. I would have cut out the second sentence entirely (She was... said yes.) I also felt like McGonagall's comment about expecting it from Scorpius was odd, considering that she just made him Head Boy.
All in all, though, it was an enjoyable, well-wirtten story, and I'm glad you requested it! :)Author's Response: Thanks so much for the review! What I, personally, like about your reviews are that they help me become a better writer. I like to re-read and see what you mean about the mistakes and the awkward sentences and then fix them. So thanks so much for writing a very nice and helpful review! Report Review
This is a really nice story idea... I like it! :)
I really liked the comments about the apple and liking red things... Good foreshadowing.
One thing, though... you spelled "damsel" wrong in both the summary and in this chapter. Oh, and I don't think "Malfoy's and Potter's and Weasley's" should have the apostrophes in them.
Other than that, it was a pretty good read, and I'm looking forward to more. ^^
~KhanhAuthor's Response: alright thanks so much for catching my spelling mistakes! i am such a horrid speller >.< but thanks so much for the review! Report Review
Hi! Naida here from the forums with your review!
So you definitely have a lot of good in this piece. You have a great idea behind this, for a start. It's definitely not your typical ScoRose, even though they are head boy and girl, and stuck alone somewhere. You managed to make this original, since they don't end up snogging in a dark corner or throwing curses at each other. Really good job on that!
I also like your characters. It's hard to get really good, well developed characters to shine through in a one shot, but I definitely got a sense of who Scorpius and Rose both were. Scorpius being a bit more of the troublemaker, Rose being the nice, studious type girl. You gave me a sense of their traits through dialogue and actions, instead of telling me flat out, which is always important, so great job with that!
My biggest problem with this is your word choice and sentence construction. I feel like an English teacher when saying this, haha, but sometimes you tried to be too formal and use too many fancy words, which made your sentences, a lot of times in dialogue, very awkward. One thing that I had to get used to when writing dialouge is that everything shouldn't be perfectly phrased when using dialogue. People do talk in run on sentences and fragments, so use them! Your most awkward dialogue, for me, was this line: "I cannot believe I'm saying this, but you were right; that was an amazing apple!" Most people aren't going to speak like that. With the cannot and the semicolon, and the amazing. If you had used something like, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but you were right. That apple was really good!" Do you see how that sounds more natural? You had a few awkward sentences not in dialogue too, but I'd suggest getting a beta to catch those mistakes for you ;)
Overall though, I think you had a really light, fun one shot! Good job :D
-NaidaAuthor's Response: thanks so much! i've actually re-edited the story and am thinking about doing that again because i'm not too thrilled with the grammar and sentence structure either. but thanks so much for the review! Report Review
Great start!! XD
I can't wait to see what's going to happen after this.
Please update as soon as you can.Author's Response: i will! i'm just going through some editing from the chapter because of some minor spelling i noticed, but the second chapter should be posted soon enough! Report Review
I really really really liked that chapter! Rose and Scorpius are great characters in your story. Please please please update again soon.Author's Response: thanks so much for the amazing review (: Report Review
i say change from one shot to novella! it is awesome write moreAuthor's Response: aw thanks so much! i was thinking about starting another chapter so be on the lookout! Report Review
It's interesting take on it. I would have liked to have saw how it was they missed the train, but I liked it all the same. I liked your Rose and Scorpion and how you had Scorpion as a Gryffie.
~LilyAuthor's Response: thank you! it was a lot of fun writing and i may go back and edit it. but thanks so much for the review! Report Review
This was amazing! i loved it, i would love to read more of where these two go. I thought blond was spelled blonde but if you have a different spelling thats fine. well i hope you write more...toodlesAuthor's Response: thanks so much for the awesome review! it means so much to read things like this, no lie! it could be spelled blonde, but i'm not quiet sure. hm. i'll go back and edit it once i get a chance. and thanks so much for the awesome review! Report Review
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