Hi Bethany Rose,
Hey don't quit, your story is good and the grammer, syntax and spelling are getting better each chapter, which means they are less distracting allowing your story and characters to take centre stage.
The flow of this chapter was also much improved, keep going ... just write the story for you, don't worry about readers or reviewers.
LostintransitAuthor's Response: Thank you :D Report Review
Overall, not bad, but its a bit jumpy, all their individual stories don't flow together. Watch the spelling, punctuation and grammer.
keep writing, I still wanna know what happens. Report Review
Good so far, is it just me or is Harry acting more 14 than 17?
Keep up the good workAuthor's Response: I know but I'm not sure how to make his seam older because I'm younger than Harry would be. I know the begining of my story is very weak so do you have any sugestions on how to improve it? I'm just wondering! Report Review
Very good, a lot more fluid than the last chapter, again wathe the spelling and punctuation. Report Review
This mugglised Harry stikes me as a little odd. He's could perform magic to protect himself. His Uncle pushes him around and Harry just sits in his room then sits in the car and does nothing. Where has that HP angst and anger gone, the anger that blew up Aunt Marge.
He's scared of the DE's arrival but leave the house knowing that he will be left alone in the hospital and he doesn't even take his wand.
You could blame these things on his condition, but Harry has had far worse injuries from playing Quidditch? I dould have loved to have seen Harry's X-rays, after all the times he's broken bones, I think you missed a fine oppertunity to have the muggle world sic social services on Uncle V, for mistreating Harry.
Please don't take these observations to heart, the fact that your first chapter has caused me to ask so many question is good. The worst thing a piece of writing can do is make the reader not care.
Spelling and lack of punctuation can be distracting, some examples below.
On to chapter two, please keep writing.
bottom of the stair.
bottom of the stairs.
He found that his aunt uncle and cousin had already started their meal.
He found, that his aunt, uncle and cousin, had already started their meal.
"Mum, is there any more"
"Mum, is there any more?"
lost more weight that Dudley himself but this was probably due to the face that his meals
lost more weight than Dudley himself but this was probably due to the fact that his meals
You have no respect of us and-”.
You have no respect for us and-”.
I don’t think keeping a small boy locked in a cupboard all his life and treating him like a slave whilst half starving him is respectful”
I don’t think keeping a small boy, locked in a cupboard all his life and treating him like a slave, whilst half starving him is respectful.”
REST OF THE HOLLIDAYS!
REST OF THE HOLIDAYS!
yalled Harry furiously
yelled Harry furiously
worry anyone but had to something.
worry anyone but had do to something.
He lied down on his bed
He lay down on his bed
back to steep again.
back to sleep again.
Ah, your awake”
Ah, you're awake!”
just the face that he knew Harry’s arm
just the fact that he knew Harry’s arm
The blond nurse came in
The blonde nurse came in
Mr Dersley, we need to talk
Mr Dursley, we need to talk
front door beaconing Harry out
front door beckoning Harry outAuthor's Response: thanks for the review! I'm not sure how to update these mistakes because I had to edit the chapter many times to get it to submit and I never edited it on my computer. Also I darent change it in case it is rejected again! Report Review
Interesting chapter, looking forward to the next. I would give this one a 9/10Author's Response: Thanks for the review :D Report Review
keep it up! grade-E (exceeds expectations)Author's Response: thanks again :) Report Review
Hi!! nice idea. but, if Harry is 17 and he's of age, can't he heal his hand with magic, and how did the people at hospital contacted mr.weasly, he dosen't have muggle communication now, does he? just keep these things in mind next time.
good job!Author's Response: He is 17 but he wouldnt know how to really, and I thought i put how they contacted mr weasley, Herry told them where they lived and a policeman went and told mr weasley, I remember writing it but I may have deleted it. Ill check. and thanks for reading :) Report Review
You are off to a brilliant start! I really like your concept for this story! Your first 2 chapters grip the reader right from the start and set the stage for your story perfectly! You also write with a style that is easy and enjoyable to read! Looking forward to the next installment! :)Author's Response: Thanks for the review, its nice to know that somebody actually enjoys what Im writing. I didnt know if anybody would like it because nobody read it before I posted it on this site. Thanks again! :D Report Review
it was good.. but if this is his seventh year than harry and ginny should still be dateing and if they were than this story sure didnt show it... but it was goodAuthor's Response: Yea I sort of forgot but it is in the later chapters once they are at hogwarts,I might add it in later. It need a better name too :( thanks for reviewing :) Report Review
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