Alright, sorry for this review being WAY overdue. :(. But here it is.
So, I like your concept. The idea of a relationship between the protagonist and someone like Draco Malfoy with both of them being head boy and head girl is slightly cliche, I'll admit, but I'm a sucker for these kind of plots :3. I also like the whole factor of incorporating Lily's diary into this, as I'm sure it will add spice to the story in the future. Plus, you can easily make a parallel between Lily's story and Tara's story, which would undoubtedly make this story interesting. A think you really need to work on is your grammar and spelling. The syntax was rather choppy at times and the constant spelling errors often detracted from the story. I'm sure that with the work of a beta, this can easily be fixed. Another thing that is of concern is the pace. The story seems to just be jumping from one thing to another rather quickly and it's a bit disconcerting. For example, the sex bit between Draco and Tara was a bit out of nowhere (though I saw it coming), and probably could've been used later as the story progresses and more of the conflict is revealed. I'm saying that it would've had a better impact if this scene occured later in the story. The dialogue could also benefit from description and sensory imagery to give the reader a better feel for your story. So all in all, you've got a potential here; this story could be something very juicy and interesting. Just fix some mishaps and you're in tip-top shape :)Author's Response: Thanks. I know spelling and grammar is bad I don't have a good word processor. I'm actually waiting to get a beta until I know i'm continuing with the story. Its currently on pause for "editing" which is really writers block, but I will get around to it. Thanks for the Review. Report Review
This chapter was definitely more interesting than the last because we've been introduced to the actual diary and have seen not only Tara's first day, but it go terribly wrong.
One of the issues I have, though, is the entry in the diary. A lot of things are promised to fill the pages of the diary, and it's a lot to live up to. I have no doubt in my mind that many of those things will be written about, but it's a pretty extensive list of feelings and events to talk about. Also, it doesn't sound like Lily was writing in a diary but more like she was writing a story that she wanted everyone to read. It sounds like it could be on the back of a novel.
The only other thing is if McGonagall was Headmistress, there's a good chance that she wouldn't be teaching a class. That is all determined by what you think, though, of course.
I'm wondering if you've found a beta reader yet? I wouldn't mind looking over your chapters for grammar mistakes before you post them, but I noticed that you're not listed for wanting a beta on the forums, so you might have already found one. Just let me know, and hope this was helpful!Author's Response: Thanks for the review. I agree with you looking back and will consider how to revise that. no I don't have a beta yet... i'm not sure i really want one considering my last three were always unavailable when I needed them, but I will consider your offer. Thanks again. Report Review
Hey there, makemeover from the forums here!
The plotline of this story could definitely go in a good direction, I think there's just too little in this chapter to tell. I know the first chapters of longer stories tend to be fairly uneventful, but I think a little more action could be added to this, or at least some of it could be changed around. It seems that the first half of the chapter is mostly background information and the second half is Tara actually arriving at the school, but I think it could be more captivating if the action started at the beginning and the background info. was given throughout. For example, instead of her reflecting on Draco and his group of friends in the beginning, it could be mentioned after we see him and her together as Head Boy and Girl.
I don't know Tara well enough at all to really comment on her, but she does seem fairly negative. Two questionable things I found were that one, if she's a Slytherin born and raised, it sounds weird for her to refer to Draco as "the Prince of Slytherin." That just might be my preference, though. The second thing is that she tends to say "bloody" a lot. It seems as though she's supposed to be negative or angry all the time, but there are other words that can portray that.
I definitely think that more can be added to this, as I can't judge on whether I really like it or not because it's so short. I'll have to read further chapters to make that assessment. I hope this was helpful!Author's Response: unfortunately it wasn't overly helpful because I disagree with the review, although I APPRECIATE it. I know where I want my story to go, and this chapter is exactly the way it needs to be worded in order to do so, although i will keep your suggestions in mind for a future chapter. Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your requested review.
As you already know, mechanics are not your strong point. I'm going to try and point out the major issues.
- Misplaced capitals: There were several points where you capitalized random words in the middle of sentences. (Examples: 2nd paragraph, "I have no Problem with the Prince" and 5th paragraph, "than Finally, introductions were made")
- Misplaced commas: There were also several points where you had commas that weren't necessary. (Examples: 4th paragraph, "When the train, did finally stop, I stalked off of it" and 6th paragraph, "student disiplenary actions, when necessary")
- Spelling: I am not the world's best speller, but I picked up on "disiplenary" in the 6th paragraph and "Shakespear" in the 8th.
Beyond that... I'm not sure if your OC is Mary Sue, because I haven't read much of her, but I do think that she's coming across as exceedingly unpleasant. I just don't find her sympathetic at all. It's just a personal preference, but I tend to have difficulty with stories in which the main character is just relentlessly negative.
The idea of the diary is an interesting one, and I like the fact that you're portraying another Slytherin in their year. The grammar stuff is really the major thing, and I do hope that you can find a beta. I know how hard it can be.Author's Response: Thanks For the review, I'll work on Grammar. As to my OC, she isn't going to be negative the entire chapter, just the first few chapters really. Report Review
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