Reading Reviews for Like a House on Fire
  
399 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Panda Weasley  Home

21st October 2014:
ONLY ONE MORE CHAPTER?!?!?!?! HOW AM I TO SURVIVE?
Heeheeehee. I guess you can tell I like this story.but siriusly, can there be more? A sequel perhaps?

I just want you to know that I love this story, and your writing style. I'm gonna miss it.
~Panda

Author's Response: Yes! Just one more chapter! And then you can read it all over again, from beginning to end without having to WAIT FOREVER FOR UPDATES. And I'm toying with something a little different as an idea for a sequel. I don't know. We'll see. Thanks so much for your love and support :)

 Report Review

Review #2, by maryhead Have You Even Talked to Her?

10th October 2014:
Hey there! I thought I could stop by and drop another review for the review tag :)!

I know I will probably repeat myself, but I really liked this chapter, maybe even a bit more than the previous one! In fact, although even here we do not have almost any kind of description, and it is mainly dialogue, it is also true that here description wasn't as necessary as in the first chapter, since the characters are in the Hogwarts Express, and hey, who doesn't know how the carriages are in that train? Probably a too detailed description would have even sound redundant to the eyes of a long-live Potter fan, so well done, my friend!

As usual, the bickering between your OC and the other characters is lively and entertaining. It is nice to see how your protagonist tries to soothe Lily slightly irritating stubbornness even if she herself isn't exactly in good terms with at least a quarter of the Marauders. I also appreciated the way Sirius' character resulted different in the first and second part of the chapter. Millie's POV is quite focused on the "creepy" impression he makes, and the reader is almost brought to view him as the stereotypical ignorant and obnoxious ladies man so popular among fanfictioner. In the second part, however, we are faced directly with Sirius' mind, and, although we couldn't certainly define him mature, he certainly appears to be almost... misunderstood. As if he had a deeper personality nobody is really able to perceive. As I said, this was really an interesting shift, a good parallelism that I hope will be brought on in the next chapters!
Regarding Remus... He seems to have lots of potential in this story, but somehow he was presented as a slightly anonymous boy from both Millie and Sirius POV, although in the last part he showed a bit of his wit and amusingly sarcastic nature. His situation is similar to the one commented above, but in this case there isn't his POV to state that he is, in fact, more than he shows. I wonder if in this story he will remain simply the shy yet intelligent kid who can show tiny bits of confidence only in front of his friends or if we will see a more... feral and mysterious side of him. I guess it is a question only reading will answer to!

As I said, good chapter! I'm looking forward to reading next, so if you want, do not hesitate do pay a visit to my review thread!

Well done!

Maryhead!

Author's Response: Heya! I'm finally replying to your lovely review. I'm so sorry for the lateness!

Ah! I'm glad that you enjoyed this chapter! I get really nervous when people read this story, especially the earlier chapters. It's my first fanfic and despite all its flaws, I still love it dearly. Haha, I'm glad you found the lack of description to be an advantage here. It's still one of those areas where I struggle.

So much of this story is just dialogue. I'm pleased you find it to be an entertaining read. One of the reasons I like including Sirius' point of view is that every story has three sides: my side, your side, and the right side. I really wanted to highlight with Sirius that so much of who we come across as to other people is for show. And of course everyone views you differently based on their experiences. In Sirius' case, his reputation precedes him.

Remus... sigh. I had so many plans for characterisation in this story. It needs a serious rewrite if I ever get the time. But thank you so much for your comments! I make a list of them so that whenever I do get the time to go over this story, I can do so with guidance.

Thanks so much for your lovely review! You've given me a lot of good points :)


 Report Review

Review #3, by Penelope Inkwell Half-Bear Half-Wolf

4th October 2014:
"Mr. Dog"--*snort*, just throw and animal at Millie and she turns into such a softie.

Sirius, darling, I am admittedly a bit confused by your plan. Like, how it will make things any better between you, since she doesn't know you're the dog. However, you're adorably in canine form, so there is that.

--Penny

Author's Response: Millie's soft spot for animals, especially a certain big black dog, is one of my favourite things about her. But really, what kind of person doesn't become a softie over dogs? They're so adorable!

Sirius did not think this one through, did he? ;) But yes, maybe he thinks that his adorableness would just carry over into all aspects of his life somehow.


 Report Review

Review #4, by Penelope Inkwell Awkwardness and Adorable Puppies

4th October 2014:
Sirius is such a dork. He's adorkable.

Also, I've been thinking, and I'm not sure I trust Regulus. I mean, he just so happens to be making out with Sirius' ex-girlfriend? And then, what? He turns immediately around and starts chatting up Sirius' current girlfriend, talking about how they could've made it work, implying that he's still interested? Sounds awfully suspicious, to me.

Dogs, huh? Is it time for an animagus revelation?

--Penny

Author's Response: From this point on in the story, "dork" really is the best description of Sirius. He's so adorkable and I love him.

Regulus is... yeah. His feelings for Millie are alive and well, but he knows that it wouldn't work between them. But alas, he's young and reckless that way and can't help himself. And I imagine it would be hard dating someone who hasn't been linked to Sirius in some way at some point, but yeah. The real question is, what is MARISSA doing snogging Regulus right after finishing with Sirius?


 Report Review

Review #5, by Penelope Inkwell Brothers

4th October 2014:
FINALLY!

But really. FINALLY!

Although I really did not see that coming in that particular moment.

"'You didn’t think I would find out about you and him?'
No, not really. Secret relationships being secret and all."

--this made me chuckle


This isn't really CC, because it's not a critique. I'm just curious: So, that last section of Millie's POV switched to present tense, when all the rest had been in past. At first, I was skeptical of how that might flow, but the section was well-written and I thought it worked. I'm just curious about why you decided to write that section, and that section alone, differently. I'd love to get your thoughts on tense-switching and how you choose when to switch POV's.


And, in conclusion, FINALLY!

--Penny

Author's Response: I know right? About time! And Sirius has the worst timing ever, doesn't he? He does address it in a later chapter, so that sort of makes up for it.

The last section switching into present tense really should be a critique, because it shouldn't have slipped. For some weird reason I went through this entire phase where I wrote Millie's POV in the present tense, but I thought I'd gone back and fixed them all. I guess I missed one! That really should be in the past tense. But if it worked... Hmm. My thoughts on tenses is that they shouldn't exist - I'm terrible with them, actually. In terms of changing POV, in the earlier chapters I switched when I got stuck in a particular place. For the later chapters, when I actually learnt that POV changes could be used properly, I switched when the story would be better told from a different perspective. Some things just work better in Millie's voice, and others work better in Sirius'. Also, it gives a more balanced view of their personalities since it's not all just from Millie or Sirius' biased eyes.

But yes. FINALLY.


 Report Review

Review #6, by Penelope Inkwell Snogging in the Middle of the Corridor

4th October 2014:
I haven't yet read the chapter as I am writing this sentence, but I just want to say that the title leaves me to believe that this chapter has *excellent* potential. :D
---

-“Are you serious?”
-“Yes, I am. I’d think that after more than six years of being in the same year level and House as me Millie, you wouldn’t have to ask my name.”

--It really never does get old

Sadly, the wrong people are snogging in the corridor. I am destined to live forever in suspense!

Also, Millie dated Regulus? That's a bit incestuous. I suppose in that light, it's a good thing the brothers already don't like each other. I wonder if that will be a problem, ultimately. After all, Sirius doesn't know...

--Penny

Author's Response: Psych! The chapter titles for this one and the next could be swapped really, but where's the fun in that?

And Sirius name jokes never get old. Like, ever. There's even one in the books, they're that good.

So many problems between Regulus and Sirius. So little time...


 Report Review

Review #7, by Penelope Inkwell New Immaturity Heigts

4th October 2014:
'Maybe she moisturises,” suggested Wormtail.'"
--Bahaha! Best line in the chapter.


“Can you refrain from bringing Evans into the middle of breakfast?” I asked. “I know that you’re in love with her and completely obsessed, but at least try to keep some things sacred.”
--Breakfast is, indeed, sacred. Sirius, I totally understand.

Lily! You have the WORST TIMING! Ugh! They were so close!


**
CC:

"I cocked my head, not even needing to feign any sort of genuine interest. Merlin, her pureblood upbringing seemed to be one of the few I’d ever heard that had a remotely happy ending."
--This sentence is a tad confusing, as it comes immediately after Millie admits that she believes her mother was always disappointed in her. That doesn't sound like a particularly happy ending?
**

Seriously! (No pun intended) These two are killing me. Just admit it, you guys. And you thought James and Lily were bad...

--Penny

Author's Response: I seriously neglect poor Peter in this story, but to make up for it, I gave him possibly my favourite line in the entire story.

And breakfast is serious business, indeed!

Haha! Poor Lily! How was she to know that they were about to embark on their first kiss?

Ah! Thanks for that particular CC! I'll look into improving the flow of that paragraph in particular :)

These two, man. Just. Ugh.

Thanks for reading :)


 Report Review

Review #8, by Penelope Inkwell SNOW! SNOW! SNOW!

4th October 2014:
Fluff! Fluff! Hooray for fluff!

Snowball fights are so cute. Even cuter when I'm reading about them, comfortably ensconced on my couch with my blanket, not actually being pelted by a freezing projectile made of compacted ice crystals.

And their first real date is next? Yes!

--Penny

Author's Response: All the fluff, all the time!

Yeah, snowball fights only seem to be fun when they're happening to other people :P

And yes! Real date time! Woohoo!


 Report Review

Review #9, by Penelope Inkwell Recognising Forks

4th October 2014:
Awww. Good effort Sirius!

So, I have hope. We know that Millie likes him at least a little, and she wouldn't have agreed to stay in the "relationship" for another month if she wasn't enjoying it a bit.

Has it really only been a month? Seems like longer.

Well, I wish Sirius the best of luck in the next four weeks!

Also, I'm really glad to see Millie working through her grief. I have been wondering about that, if her loss of her family was so recent. I wonder, did her father draw, too?

--Penny

Author's Response: Hope springs eternal! And Sirius is like a top bloke in this chapter. He's so out of his depth, but he still tries.

And Sirius REALLY turns it up after this. Like if you thought he was invested before, he goes crazy after this.

In terms of Millie's artistic ability - all hers. Neither of her parents drew.

Thanks for reading :)


 Report Review

Review #10, by Penelope Inkwell Claustrophobia and Confusion

4th October 2014:
“Well, it’s not what they’ve done to me personally, but it’s more like their mere existence is a malignant growth on the otherwise wonderful wider school population.”
--Technically, the exact thing that Pureblood supremacists are thinking about Muggleborns. I'm glad that Millie pointed out that it actually was kind of immature and ridiculous. Not that I don't enjoy the occasional Gryffindor/Slytherin shenanigan, but still, good on her.

Oh dear, I do remember some mention that Millie was claustrophobic. Still, they got through it all right. Couldn't be an average broom closet encounter--not for this pair!

--Penny

Author's Response: It is EXACTLY what the pureblood supremacists say about muggleborns! And the entire point was to show that Sirius is a hypocrite, but like at a lot more small-scale level than pureblood supremacy. Millie is the person who thwacks him in the head when he does things like that.

And there's no such thing as an average encounter for them. Their dates are atypical, their broom closets are atypical. They're two crazy kids!


 Report Review

Review #11, by Penelope Inkwell Together

4th October 2014:
So, Millie is (finally) starting to take more notice of Sirius! Hooray!

Loved the length of this chapter!

"I never did well with compliments."
--I liked this because you showed us before telling us. She was uncomfortable back when everyone was congratulating her when she won them the match against Slytherin, so I can look back and be like, 'Oh yeah! That makes sense.' Great for continuity, as well.

Favorite quotes:

"'That’s so romantic!' exclaimed Sarah. Both Sirius’ my heads swivelled in her direction. Hatching a stupid plan to give your friend a faux terminal illness just so his girlfriend will forgive him is romantic?"

B"y Day Twelve, James was comfortably holed up in the Hospital Wing and I was perversely pleased to notice that his condition was getting worse by the minute."

"You had to give the guy credit, he was practically dying and still he manages to hit on her."

Hahahahaha!

--Penny

Author's Response: The chapter is longer because actual stuff happened! Yay! And it was bound to happen sooner or later right? His charms were going to work eventually.

I'm so happy that you feel that at least the characterisation is consistent, if not much else!

Thanks so much for STILL reading and reviewing! Like I'm so happy/surprised!


 Report Review

Review #12, by Penelope Inkwell Perfect for each Other

3rd October 2014:
Of all the crazy...but so crazy it just might work?

I don't know. I still have doubts. What type of illness are they even giving him? And will James know that he's not, you know, dying?

Oy. Marauders+Millie=Madness. There's some Arithmancy for you. But I suppose whatever works...

--Penny

Author's Response: I told you it was crazy! Like super crazy! Like it shouldn't work... but it might?

It was actually a lot of fun writing these couple of chapters, where for once James and Lily were the ones at odds, but Sirius and Millie were working as a functional unit.

Arithmancy be crey crey, no? ;P


 Report Review

Review #13, by Penelope Inkwell It has to be Soon

3rd October 2014:
Yikes! Well, it was bound to happen eventually. I do wonder what it was that set James and Snape off, though.

I'm certainly interested to see what the gang comes up with to get those two crazy kids back together.

--Penny

Author's Response: Yeah, definitely something was going to happen. All cannot be well in paradise indefinitely.

Their plan is crazy, that's all I'll ever say about it :P


 Report Review

Review #14, by Penelope Inkwell Love the Smell of Blueberries

3rd October 2014:
"Never underestimate the power of a combined pointed look. “--Wise words, indeed.

-"'Gentlemen, I think I may be in love,' Prongs sighed happily as he flopped onto his bed. Moony and I exchanged an exasperated look.
-"'Mate, you’ve been saying that for more than six years now,' Moony said."

--This was adorable

-“So Evans didn’t try and jinx you?”
-He shook his head. “Not even once!”

--Bahaha! Also adorable.

Really just that whole first section of Sirius' POV was fantastic.

"Would it be weird if I slept with it under my pillow? Probably."
--Yes, darling. Yes, it would.

"Not you again, you traitorous little inner voice of reason and truth! "
--Relatable words. Who likes that voice? No one, I tell you!

So it's been months? Why are they still together? Just because it would be awkward if they broke up, what with James and Lily? I would like to know what's motivated them to stick it out.

Aww. Sirius has always been more invested, since he liked her from the start. But it looks like something else is definitely going to have to happen before Millie returns those feelings.

I haven't heard anything about her dealing with her family's murder/deaths in a while. Does that have anything to do with it? Where she is emotionally?

It was nice to see them getting along for a while! They really can be cute, whether they want to admit it or not.

--Penny

Author's Response: I'm so pleasantly surprised that there's still lines in here that make you laugh! I'm so happy! Yayayay!

Writing that first part of Sirius' POV was a lot of fun. I actually love writing all the boys together like that.

It's been a few weeks, really. Things move fast in Millie and Sirius' sphere. And goodness knows why they're still together. Could it be that *gasp* they actually like each other (in a friend way at least)?

And yeah, Sirius is always more invested in their relationship, which is quite cute, really. He's set up as the ultimate heartbreaker who doesn't care even a little about what happens to those around him, and here he is, just totally devoted to their relationship.

Thanks for reading :)


 Report Review

Review #15, by Penelope Inkwell Things You Really Don't Want to Know

3rd October 2014:
Ack! You can't leave me hanging there! I hope there's more in the next chapter.

It does seem a little hypocritical of Millie to judge Sirius so much, when is sounds like she hasn't been particularly invested in her past relationships. I wonder if part of it isn't the worry that if she ever does decide she likes him, he might not stick around.

And then, Sirius also isn't really fair. Millie was sort of "press-ganged" into this arrangement. She's getting the benefit of Rex staying away, but she didn't really ask for it.

“I’m half European. Of course I drink coffee.”--Like, European from the Continent, then?

So they ditched James and Lily, huh? I certainly want to know how that plays out.

On to the next chapter! I must know more!

--Penny

Author's Response: Millie's entire view of Sirius is quite hypocritical. It's almost accidental though, because she doesn't realise that they aren't really that different. Lily and Sarah try and point this out to her in one of the earlier chapters, but well. We do like to think the best of ourselves don't we, and that our actions are justified.

The best thing about Sirius though is that he realises this fault that he has. He doesn't want to stop the relationship, but at the same time he does because he knows that it was achieved through pretty dodgy means.

Yeah! From the continent! I don't think I ever specify exactly where on the continent, but I like to think probably Turkey :) But feel free to imagine wherever on the continent!

Thanks for reading :)


 Report Review

Review #16, by Penelope Inkwell Quidditch Alliances

3rd October 2014:
Whoo! What a great win! Sounds like Millie has a bit of a reckless side. She could certainly get along with the Marauders.

Double date! So excited! But really.

So Sirius is saying she's off the hook after Hogsmeade weekend? Hmm. I have my doubts, though I'm interested to see how that pans out.

"The whistle had barely made a sound before fourteen brooms shot into the air like bullets… or that’s how Lily’s described our ascent – I actually have no idea how bullets launch their broomsticks."
--loved that little nod to the Muggleborn vs. born in the wizarding world differences


“I’m your best friend all the other times!"
--I don't know why, but this line just made me chuckle.

**
CC:

"Fifteen minutes later, found me plummeting towards the ground at breakneck speed."
--This is super tiny and nit-picky, but you don't actually need the comma after "later". Like I said, *super* small detail, but I'm a perfectionist, so it's the type of thing I'd want someone to tell me.

“I hoped that I didn’t see you in here again, Miss White, but I kept out the bottle, just in case.”
--I think "wouldn't" might be better than "didn't" here.

**

Fun chapter! I'm really looking forward to this next one, though. Sooo many possibilities!

--Penny

Author's Response: All the CCs all the time! One can never have too many CCs!

Millie is actually a boss Quidditch player. I now wish I'd written more of that into the story. Like she can be quite a jock about it. And Sirius is like her ultimate cheerleader boyfriend.

Oh, Sirius. What does he know about his feelings? He says these things and they never happen! Poor boy!

Sometimes you're allowed to not be best friends with someone for a few minutes :P

Thanks for reviewing!


 Report Review

Review #17, by Penelope Inkwell Sleeping After Lunch

3rd October 2014:
That is such an awesome superpower. Ability to surreptitiously sleep in class. And to answer questions immediately after waking up! That is, like, my dream.

Well, Lily's taking this better than she might've, I suppose. It would be interesting to see Sirius *try* to charm her into approving of him/ entertaining James' wooing efforts. It would definitely be a showdown.

--Penny

Author's Response: I want her superpower so bad. Like it would be the most useful superpower to have. Ever.

Lily does take it better than expected, but then she and Sirius are pretty close in canon, so I wanted to lay the foundations for that. It would have been hilarious to watch them fight it out though!


 Report Review

Review #18, by Penelope Inkwell Goodnight Darling

3rd October 2014:
This was a cute little in-between chapter, before the rumors really kick in. We get to see some normal interaction--Millie being hostile (understandably, since she's just been cornered into a fake public relationship and is exhausted and has to write an essay), and Sirius, who is clearly not planning on giving up any time soon.

So Sirius does his homework, huh? I guess he's got to keep that under wraps--wouldn't want to ruin his street cred ; )

--Penny

Author's Response: I remember this being a ridiculously fun chapter to write. I think I enjoy writing the filler chapters where they're just being ridiculous and cute more than writing chapters with plot. It's probably why this story is so light on plot, and heavy on the fluff! And Sirius is first and foremost always thinking about his street cred ;)

Thanks for reviewing :)


 Report Review

Review #19, by Penelope Inkwell Insane Before Christmas

29th September 2014:
Ah, the plot thickens! Well, I see Sirius finally strong-armed Millie into being his fake-girlfriend. It was bound to happen eventually. At least this way she can finally get rid of her outrageously clingy ex.

This should be fun! :D

CC:

"Black replied for me, before he sat down next to me in the grass as if to ascertain his statement.”
--“Ascertain" isn’t quite the right word there. Maybe “confirm”?

Really enjoying this! I’m eager to see how Millie handles being Sirius’ Black’s fake-girlfriend.

--Penny

Author's Response: Yes! The plot finally BEGINS. And I think that's Sirius' usual way of getting things done - just strong-arm them into it and hope for the best. And her outrageously clingy ex is one of those characters that I wish I'd spent more time on - he has so much potential!

And thanks for the CC again! Keep it comin'!


 Report Review

Review #20, by Penelope Inkwell No Love Lost

29th September 2014:
Favorite Quotes:

"'Listen up, buddy. I broke up with you. That does not translate to I want to be with you.' Sometimes, you really had to break it down for them."

"'Don’t worry, darling. He’ll come around soon enough.' As soon as he notices that there’s a whole other gender out there."

"It seemed to me that the matters of the heart were reigning supreme tonight. A delusional ex-boyfriend and two best friends in love: one with a boy, and the other with her homework.”


Also, I love what you’re doing with Remus. I like that he’s practical and considerate; that he tells Sirius to get over himself when it’s exactly what his friend needs to here; but also, he helps mastermind the pranks. He’s got a fun, mischievous side, too! Sometimes people sort of write that out, so that he’s sort of reluctant with the Marauding, but I love that you didn’t. It makes him a far more fleshed-out character! Nice work.

--Penny

Author's Response: Still making you laugh! Yay!

Remus is like the best in this story. He's so oblivious to love directed towards him, but he turns into this wingman for the both of them and it's so much fun to write. And of course he'd mastermind the best of their pranks! He's probably the smartest of them all!

Thanks for reviewing :)


 Report Review

Review #21, by Penelope Inkwell The Deeper Things in Life

29th September 2014:
Hola!

I just love your writing. It’s so poppy and upbeat. Somehow you always manage to create this very engaging tone.

Still haven’t quite found out what happened to Millie’s family, but obviously it’s something very bad. She seems to be holding up pretty well, considering.

Points to Sirius for trying, but it looks like he’s going to have to expend a bit more effort.

Wait, Millie’s last name is White? And she’s meant to be paired up with Sirius Black? If that doesn’t lead to some teasing, I’m going to be a tad disappointed ; )

---
CC:

I think it would help if you put some kind of break in between, "However, like I mentioned before, life could be so cruel sometimes,” and "‘So?' It was lunchtime, and I had the misfortune of being interrogated by Sarah.” For a moment, it’s confusing, because there’s nothing breaking up Millie’s conversation with Sirius and this discussion with her friends.

---

Great chapter! Really enjoying this!

--Penny

Author's Response: That is like the best description of my writing I've ever heard. Thank you. That's how I'm going to advertise myself from now on: writes like a pop song. Enjoy without shame. Thank you!

I seriously drop the ball on her back story. It pops up every now and again, but really takes a backseat. I'm a bit sad about that, but it happened because the story changed direction whilst I was writing it, and I got swept up in it all and forgot :(

And yes! I definitely need to add where the POVs change - I forgot them in quite a few of the early chapters.

HAHAHAHAHAHA. Sirius is REALLY going to have to expend "a bit more" effort. Poor thing. He has no idea what he's gotten himself into!

Thanks for reviewing :)


 Report Review

Review #22, by Penelope Inkwell Have You Even Talked to Her?

23rd September 2014:
"To be honest, it didn’t really fly open. It just opened like a normal compartment door opens. It just seemed that way because the people standing in the doorway were the kind of people you would expect to make a door fly: the Marauders.”
--This is great!

- “You both have family problems –”
- “It comes with the whole pure-blood thing,”

Maybe it’s because I write about Purebloods, too, but I laughed out loud at this. So true.

“'But you certainly have a…' he paused for a second trying to think of the word, 'a certain interest in her’?”
--This line is perfect. It’s just worded in such a very Remus Lupin way.

I laughed at how perfectly realistic both of those conversations were. And I like how they mirror each other. Also, having Millie and Remus geek out about books was adorable! I hope they become proper friends (she’ll need a stable presence in her life if Sirius has decided he’s going after her, and Lily, though she seems great, does not strike me as “stable” per say.)

-
CC:

-“When someone says they’re just friends, it never means that they’re just friends.”

-“No, sometimes they do, Padfoot.”


These sentences don’t quite match up. I’d suggest maybe adjusting it to:

“When people say they’re 'just friends', they never really mean it.”

“No, sometimes they do, Padfoot.”

Or, keeping "When someone says they’re just friends, it never means that they’re just friends.”
And having Remus say, “No, sometimes it does, Padfoot.”

But that’s quite minor!

--
Loved the chapter!

--Penny

Author's Response: Thanks for the suggestions on the sentences! They've been added to the list!

I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter! This is about the point in the story where things start to slow down. Nothing happens for a bit, but then things happen! I promise!


 Report Review

Review #23, by Penelope Inkwell A First Time for Everything

21st September 2014:
Oh my gosh! I already love it. How have I never read this before?

Well, I know why, actually. I avoid Sirius/Anyone romances, due to the fact that it sort of has to end tragically (doesn’t it?). However, I might very well make an exception!

To start at the beginning, I loved the very first paragraph. Your transitions are excellent, giving us just enough time to understand what she’s saying about the Killing Curse, take in the implications, and then the transition from the drum to the knocking door and the bloodstains to water stains on the ceiling is perfect. I could picture it just as I do the last inch of a dream as it slips away with the beeping of my alarm.

Also, the relatability is strong. I already feel connected to Millie because I know what it is to hobble towards a door, half-mummified by my blanket.

"And here I was thinking that there was a basilisk living in her bathroom or something.”--Haha, nice reference.

"Lily not getting Head Girl is almost as impossible as Binns realising he’s dead.”--This also made me smile

I really like the way you’ve captured James. That endless optimism.
So, serious is interested in Millie already, hmm. Interesting.

Bahaha. This section between Lily and Millie made me laugh. They sound so real. I can totally hear this as a conversation between my friends.

Also, “Punk Town” and “Gotham City”? I cannot even. Baha!

-
CC:

I can’t quite figure out where they are. At first I assumed Hogwarts, but then James mentions ‘when they get back to school’, so that can’t be it. And why would they all be in the same house? I had do stop partway through and double back, trying to figure out what I missed, but I couldn’t quite put it together.

Sirius lives with James towards the end of their schooling, right? So that would make sense. And it sounds like something bad might have happened to Millie, so it would make sense for her to be staying with Lily. But why are they all together? Would Lily Evans (pre-romance) ever agree to stay in a house that James Potter was inhabiting. So I’m a bit confused on that note. I think just adding a sentence or two to give the barest idea of setting--even if you don’t want to show all your cards yet--would be helpful.
---

Overall, this is just a very strong first chapter. We know, from the opening, that there’s definitely some darkness hanging over them. But there’s also lots of humor and the set up for what sounds like some interesting romantic hijinks. And you say this is your first fanfic? I’m impressed, edits or no. I really liked it!

Author's Response: Oh, my goodness! I can't believe it when people read the first chapter of this, and then KEEP READING. I love them forever for doing that, of course, but the first few chapters are just so problematic it's amazing. Thanks for sticking it out so long!

I've kinda stopped reading Sirius/anyone stories for the same reason. There's only so much heartbreak I can take, and apparently that level is even lower when the heartbreak happens to my poor darling Sirius.

The first paragraph of this story remains one of my favourite pieces of writing I've ever done. I don't think I've quite achieved that level of sarcasm and description in one paragraph since then!

The number of times my blanket has almost killed me is immeasurable. I'm also glad that there are a few lines in here that made you laugh!

I actually keep a running list of all the CC I receive on this story so that if/when I go back and edit it all, I have a solid place to start, so keep it rolling in! There are so many issues, namely I forgot a setting. It starts at the Leaky Cauldron and then moves to Diagon Alley. I have a vague memory that in my first draft there WAS a mention of a setting, but somehow I lost it... I think that explains a lot about why everyone is together, but obviously a lot more still remains to be explained.

Thanks for the review :) Please excuse my lateness in replying.


 Report Review

Review #24, by maryhead A First Time for Everything

20th August 2014:
Hi! I am here for an incredibly late review! Yay!

As you know I love the Marauders and especially Sirius, so I was incredibly happy to read a Sirius/OC I didn't know about. Now, this is only the first chapter, but I can say I have found a new story to read for the rest of the summer!

I really like the beginning of this chapter. Actually I am a fan of the 'let's start this novel with a dream' thing, so there was no doubt I would be utterly hooked by this kind of introduction! I also liked the way Millie lives the nightmare, with irony and humour, even though it is clear the dream affects her and has something to do with a tragic event of her past. Generally I enjoyed the humour and bickering of the characters, they made the chapter lively and entertaining, and helped to give out the mysterious/tragic hints in a more subtle way.

I have a little observation to make regarding the descriptive element of this chapter. You focused on the dialogue a lot, and this is fine, because, as I said, the interactions as witty and easy to read, but it would have been even better if there had been some descriptions here and there. Not necessarily a description of the characters' physical appearance, mind you, because that can be introduced later on in the story, but of the location of the chapter itself. I had to admit it took me a bit to understand where the scenes were set, and it would have been lovely to know more about Millie's home (or hotel room?) and maybe even something about Diagon Alley itself. I think the part in which I felt more the need of a description was Sirius', though, because that was pure dialogue, with only vague hints about "James' room" and "something" to retrieve. That said, I am usually a description-obsessed kind of reader, who likes to "see" what she's reading, and I know that some readers/writers prefer to concentrate more on the interaction part, leaving the setting to the imagination of the reader ;).

Regarding the characterisation, I can't actually say much, since this is only the first chapter. Millie seems to be a strong, humorous girl with some shadow in her past. I like her a lot! The allure of mystery you created is great and certainly glues the reader to the monitor :). Lily seems a bit temperamental and... She forgot Millie's birthday! Poor Millie! (I actually have to say I sympathised with Lily for a couple of seconds, since I tend to forget birthdays too. Oops :P).

I really enjoyed this chapter! I know you wanted me to review later updates, but I prefer to start a novel from the beginning, especially a long one, and I usually review a chapter at a time, as I specified in one of the last updates on the thread. I hope to have been helpful, and if you want to, don't hesitate do re-request! I am really curious to know what will happen next!

Maryhead

Author's Response: Hey, hey, hey! Don't worry about the lateness - as you can see, I'm terribly tardy with my replies :P

Aww! That's so sweet of you! I'm glad you liked the first chapter that much.

Millie takes her dreams in stride, which can be both good and bad. I'm glad you liked the opening - I like reading stories that start with dreams as well. Everything becomes just so much more... nebulous and you spend a lot of your time reading the first bit like "Is this real life? Or is this just fantasy?"

My description actually sucks in this story - even more so than in my other stories. It's my first fic, and description was one of things that I was terrible at during that time (I still am, but less so, I hope). Thank you so much for where you would've liked to see more description! That actually really helps a n00b like me.

First chapters can be a bit weird that way, when you want to know a character and feel this connection but you can't because it's just the first chapter and there just isn't enough there. Hopefully you form a more informed opinion of her and the rest of the characters in later chapters!

Thanks so much for the lovely review, and I really am very sorry about how late this reply is :(


 Report Review

Review #25, by EnigmaticEyes16 Home

19th August 2014:
Of course it's worth the risk! Ugh, I just want them to be happy. And I'm super sad this story is almost over. But, I guess, it's gotta end sometime, right?

I can't wait for the next chapter to be updated, I'm gonna have to keep a look out for it because I really want to know what happens!

xxNix

Author's Response: I KNOW RIGHT? But I couldn't resist. Millie isn't the type to jump into things like this, especially since Sirius is giving her space to make up her mind, rather than just dragging her along as he used to do.

Thank you so much for all your wonderful reviews! It means so much to me


 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login

<Previous Page  Jump:     Next Page>