imaginary lines here with your requested review!
i love the description. i am a description addict, and you described everything so nicely that i can't believe this is one of your first stories here. i do think it was too short, but i'm sure you'll write longer things soon enough.
i assume molly is percy's daughter and the mysterious man is teddy? little details, but i would have loved if you had brought it to my attention in a different way. there wasn't a lot of detail describing who the characters were.
i wish i knew where this was taking place and why she was crying. but this is an abstract writing story and i'll leave it up to my imagination (:
very nice job.Author's Response: Thank you for the lovely review :)
I'm glad you liked the description, I am somewhat obsessive-compulsive when it comes to setting the scene :) Yes, it was rather short, however my other one shots are significantly longer :)
Yes, this Molly is Percy's daughter, and the man is Teddy. I see, yes, perhaps I should have done that, I did however, want to keep the ambiguous nature of the oneshot by describing as little about the characters as possible; instead relying on the externalisation of their internal sentiments (the description of the environment) to act as a metaphor for the girl's frozen state of mind. I do however, realise that this is probably too abstract, and I shall certainly take your advice in developing characters further in other stories I write.
Thanks, that's what I fully intended, an extension of the story via the reader's imagination! yay :)
Thank you very much, that review is greatly appreciated! :) Report Review
Hey, its Perelandra here with your review!
Alright, it's your first fanfiction so I'll try to not be too hard.
I'm not going to deny this, this was beautifully written full of imagery and details. However, because you put too much effort on that I think you forgot to follow simple writing tools. The Who? What? When? Where? How?
I get that this is Molly, but is this Molly, Ron's mom or Molly, Percy's daughter? I'm going to go with Percy's daughter mostly because you're describing her as young.Second why is she crying? What made her so upset? Not knowing what has made your character upset, not even a small hint, detaches the reader from your story and most importantly your character.
Where is this happening? A graveyard? Somewhere in the village? You painted a beautiful picture yet even with the tremendous amount of description we still can't visualize where she is. What exactly is happening here? Is she grieving a loss? In a permanent depression?
Just so you know I'm not flaming you nor anything bad. You have fantastic writing skill so I'm just trying to point out things that will help you on becoming a much better story teller.
Keep writing!! :DAuthor's Response: Hello there, thank you for the review :)
Thanks for the compliments, I'm glad you liked the imagery. I am aware that it's really vague, but I intended it to be that way, so the reader was left guessing (as you certainly are :) ), because it's only 700 words or so. I meant it only to be a little glimpse into the mind of the girl ( or rather, a description of her surroundings which served as a metaphor for her frozen state of mind). When I wrote it, I actually was debating on whether to name the characters or whether to just leave that up to the reader's imagination, so I can well understand your confusion regarding the specific identity of the individual. However, next time I embark on a story, I'll definitely be less ambiguous, as I realise this story isn't much of a story; rather a short glimpse into her situation which leaves the reader guessing. I was hoping the reader would fill in the rest of the story themselves, but I guess the style was too vague for that.
Anyhow, thanks for the review, I really appreciate it and I'll definitely take your ideas into consideration next time I write. Report Review
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! I'm sorry about the delay - I had a huge queue. I always hate leaving requests for more than two days, and you've had to wait three! :(
So, you were wondering if this was overly descriptive and interesting to read.
Well... I'm not really sure.
I certainly don't think that it's overly descriptive, because as long as it's well-written, I don't think that there is such a thing, and this is definitely well-written. At times, I do think that it's a bit too abstract for my tastes, but that's a personal thing, and not a fault with your piece.
It was certainly interesting to read, but for me, at least, it wasn't riveting because there wasn't enough there that was tangible. Some of that is that, again, I'm not a huge fan of the abstract, but I think that in general, people want something real that they can hold on to in a story - I know that even when I'm reading something poetic and beautifully written, as this obviously is, I need an anchor in between all the poetry, and I didn't really see that here. You spend the entire time describing her, but you don't really delve into her emotions or any particulars, and I wanted that.
This is a lovely piece, but I think that if you grounded it a bit more, it would grab me much stronger than it is right now. Does that make sense?
I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself well; if I'm not, please feel free to PM me.Author's Response: Hello :) Thank you for the review, and of course, I don't mind about the wait :)
I'm glad you don't think it was overly descriptive, that was my main fear about this piece as I often tend to get criticised in English for over-describing everything :P
I see, yes, it is quite a bit abstract. I suppose it is really a matter of personal taste, but I do agree with you that it isn't that riveting, as it is basically a description of the girl's environment, with the underlying desire of relating the cold environment to her (seemingly) lack of emotions. What I was trying to get at with this one shot was that, all the time I was describing the surroundings, they were really a metaphor for her numb, frozen state of mind. However, definitely understand your point of view and I'm very glad for such lovely, honest constructive criticism :) Next time I get around to creating another piece of writing, I shall definitely take your advice into consideration and develop the character's emotions further than I have done here.
Sometime, if I have the time, I shall rewrite this (not fully) and add in more character development, as you have suggested.
Again, many thanks for the review, it's lovely to hear an honest opinion about my writing. Thank you! :) Report Review
Oh gosh! This is such a beautiful story. I love how much effort you've gone into with the description. I feel as if I've learnt a lot about Molly and her emotions just from 700 words, most of them describing her surroundings.
This is the first story on this account so I assume it is your first HP fanfiction piece. If so, well done and keep writing! :)Author's Response: Hello there,
Thanks for that lovely review; I'm sorry for taking so long to respond. I much appreciate your encouragement, you've certainly encouraged me to continue writing. It is my first piece, but I think I shall write some more, this is quite fun!
Thanks, and have a lovely day :D Report Review
I do like this! Is the man Teddy then? "eyes half golden, slowly melting into china blue"
I love how you've captured the sadness and confusion of the girl; well done.Author's Response: Hey there, thanks for that review. Yes, it is Teddy, I love the Molly/Teddy ship muchly. You're very sweet, thanks a lot! Report Review
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