I really enjoyed this. It was very mysterious which left me wanting more. I want to find out how his life became this way and why the ticking bothers him so much.
I could feel his desperation and his need for the drug. And the confusion towards the end really helped show the difference between before and after.
This idea is something I've never seen before and I like it a lot.
I can't wait to read the next chapter. :) Report Review
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry about the wait on this! I could have sworn I posted the review...I've had it typed up and sitting in a word doc for several days now. :headdesk:
Your prologue, however, was absolutely amazing. I absolutely adored the repetition of "tick tock". It gave an eerie feel to the story, almost like everything was in uniform, even when Albus's actions showed that it clearly was not. I loved that contradiction. It gave me a lot of insight into what was going on without you flat out telling me "Al had no control over his life".
You asked if this made sense, and my honest opinion is no, it doesn't really make sense. But that's a good thing. It was fast paced and broken up in places, but I liked that. It just added to the feeling of no control. I did understand the drug reference, and it did set up the story nicely. The not making sense only made me want to read on.
My one and only critique for you is the use of the needle. Albus is a wizard, so I'm inclined to think that the drug would be some sort of a potion, or that he'd administer it using his wand. Just that small tie in to the wizard world would be excellent, but it's a very minor detail :)
Your writing style and word choice was flawless, and you wrote a sensitive topic tastefully, which can sometimes be difficult to do. It's a great piece, really! :D
-Naida Report Review
Hey it's Logamind here from the Forums.
This was certainly an interesting start to the story. The mystery surronding it was very captivating.
I thought the use of the "tick tock" through out was a great idea, it really gave the reader an idea of what was going on inside poor Albus's head.
Will you go into how he became this way? Hopefully because I really want to find out how Harry Potters son fell so far. You've certainly pulled me in with the first chapter.
A good start to the story and looking forward to reading more of it.
LogamindAuthor's Response: Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad you are looking forward to more :) Report Review
I'm doing this challenge, too! It's an interesting one, and I think you're off to a good start. I would recommend some editing, though.
I think that the way you use "tick tock" in the beginning is terrific-it helped to set the mood and convey the tension and anxiety very well. I got a real sense of the desperation he was feeling, and a sense of release afterward. You description of him waking up was disorienting, but in a lot of ways I think that that's a good thing-it's a different state of mind, and there should be a disconnect.
However, I would have liked a little more to be explained before the end, and a little more to be explained at the end. You've put in a little too much mystery without enough context, and I think it might turn some readers away from the story. For example, I didn't understand why the clock was bothering him so much right then-if it's always been there, presumably it doesn't always have such a strong effect on him.
Does that make sense?
Overall, nice start. If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me. :)Author's Response: Thank you for the review :D!
I'm glad you liked the mood of the story--I was worried the approach I was taking may be a bit confusing but, well, since it's about drug usage and addiction that was sort of the point after all. So I'm glad that was the impression you got from reading it!
As for the mystery, and lack of explanation, that was also intention, but perhaps I may have overdone it. I shall take all of what you mentioned into account when I am looking over the story and adding future chapters. What you said makes perfect sense!
Again, thank you for the lovely review :)! Report Review
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