Loved it. :) Reading a lot of the stories on HPFF it gets hard to remember that James didn't follow Lily around until later in their school years. I think you did a brilliant job of showing his thought process - very very well. :)Author's Response: I think it seemed much like Lily was actually teased a lot by James in the earlier years after what we learned in The Prince's Tale, and that James didn't realise she was kind of cute until later. I'm very glad you liked it this way :) Report Review
I really enjoyed this. It is really well written and the way you described James and everyone...WOW! It was all so real. I applaud you!Author's Response: Thank you very much! Simple and real was exactly what I was going for with them :) Report Review
Heey! Here for your massively overdue review!
I like this oneshot. It's nice to get an insight into when James realised how he felt for Lily, and I think you describe it very well. I like how you describe his feverish need to speak to her and be around her, it's very true to life. I also like your characterisations of James, Sirius and Lily, but I think Remus and Peter perhaps sink into the woodwork, so to speak, you could probably make them more vibrant characters xD
Great job!Author's Response: Haha. Thanks for just stopping by.
Well, it's like that, right? When you fancy someone you have that need all the time, and this story was all about putting that need to be looked at and talked to by the person you fancy.
I guess Peter and Remus do a little bit. Truth be told, those two have always been my weak spot, but then there's something to work with I guess.
Thanks for the review! Report Review
Love it! Looking forward to all of ur other stories!
MELAuthor's Response: Thanks a lot! Report Review
This is Beeezie, here with your requested review. :)
- Word choice: There were several instances where your word choice was questionable. In the beginning, for example, you say, "frown to appear on his forehead." "Crease" would have been a better word, or just talk about him frowning. You also refer to his mother as "low-set." Maybe that's just a regional term I haven't heard before, but I've never heard it before.
- Comma usage: There are a few points where you should have used a comma and didn't ("Are you sure James?" should have been "Are you sure, James?"), and a few where you used too many commas and ended up with a run-on (paragraph eight).
- Redundancy: Along with word choice, there were some points where you were redundant. You describe him "hurrying past a big family of five, he quickly walked to the side..." - you don't need both "hurry" and "quickly walked."
- Contrasts: Some of your contrasts didn't make sense. Why should the rain on his glasses have prevented a frown from appearing?
- General awkwardness: There were several points where you phrased things awkwardly, and it was usually in the description rather than the dialogue. The example that springs to mind is when James asks about the other prefects.
- Your depiction of James's friendship with Sirius, Remus, and Peter was quite good. Peter in particular is often portrayed as a terrible person, and you made him a normal fifteen-year old happy to be going back to school with his friends. Good job. The only thing that seemed off to me was his calling Remus "Prettyboy Prefect."
- James's interactions with Lily, on the other hand, sometimes seemed a little forced. It felt like you were forcing them into situations where they'd bump into each other, rather than it happening naturally. Their bumping into Snape in particular was just too perfect - it would have been a lot more believable if they'd just bumped into someone else and jinxed them. Lily defending Snape was just so cliched. The fact that Remus didn't know the password also didn't make sense. It would have been better for James to ask Lily directly and have Remus and Lily look at him funny or for him to have to ask her because Remus is too far ahead.
- How did Lily know Remus would be made prefect? IIRC, the prefect badges tell the recipient that they were made a prefect. They don't reveal who the other prefect is. Hermione's letter certainly didn't tell her that Ron had been made prefect, because she assumed it was Harry. As a result, that encounter also felt forced. It would have been much better if you'd implied that she knew because they'd exchanged a few owls over the summer or even just bumped into each other in Diagon Alley buying school supplies.
- You seemed to portray the students wandering up and down the train much more than we ever see them do in the books. For Lily to be doing it makes sense since she's a prefect, but for Snape to be doing it didn't.
On the whole, this was a fun story with a lot of potential. I'd recommend running it by a beta, though - I think it would benefit from a thorough going-over to correct some of the awkward wording and sentence structure. It's hard to catch that on your own.Author's Response: Wow. Thanks for this very long and useful review! It's really helped my bunches. I spend a little time earlier today, fixing the worst of what you pointed out, but the rest I'll look over another day, as long as some of it has turned a little better I'm happy.
Haha. I'm very much aware that my english is not very perfect - after all, I'm danish, so I can only do so much without a beta (which I don't have at the moment). Low-set? It was in a article I read once, so I figures it was commonly used, but I guess not... But I'll keep it there so far, I kind of like it :P
I'm glad you liked Peter so much - I find it important when I write, to let people see him as a normal person who has yet to cross over to the dark side :P I completely get you on the whole Snape part (which was the part I had most trouble writing too), and usually I try to avoid such clichee things. The fact is, I just had to show a whole bunch of situations between Lily and James, and this one seemed impossible to avoid, but you're right, it can be written without Snape.
I've always imagined Lily and Remus being a little clsoer than she was with any of the others and in my head they would have exchanged letters in the time of summer, but somehow that would have seemed forced to write it in. But I guess, it could be hard for the reader to follow that thought :P
Thanks a lot for taking the time to write such a long and helpful review! Report Review
Poor boy. He never knew how hard he would have to work for her to even give him a chance. : )Author's Response: You just caught the very essence of the story there. It was all about that innocent part before those next hard years for him. Thanks for the review! Report Review
Wow! I LOVE this! it's so cute and James is really cool. The only thing I would have changed was James' reaction to seeing Sirius on the train to being like ecstatic to see each other because I love their bromance.
Excellent job! I thoroughly enjoyed this stunning one shot that brightened my day!Author's Response: Thank you very much. Haha, I completely understand that, but I wanted to keep the feelings between the boys on a sort of 'minimum', I wanted to keep it 'real'. Thanks very much for the review! Report Review
Bravo, bravo! I think you captured James's feelings really well... Good job! (:
~KhanhAuthor's Response: Thank you very much! :) Report Review
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