Hello! Here from Team Blue for the Review Battle!
I'm happy that I chose this story, because the beginning you've crafted is really quite intriguing. I love how you started and ended with the ring and used it throughout as a symbol of why Hermione and Ron aren't meant for each other after all. I also liked the line about how she's sitting out in the storm to take her mind off of her own inner storm. I thought your characterization was very nice here.
I noticed a few places where the flow of the sentences is a bit awkward and some technical errors were present. I know this is an old story and it's completed, so it's probably not in the forefront of your mind. If you were already thinking of maybe getting it beta-ed or proofing it one more time, though, I think that would be a good idea.
I'm also a tiny bit confused about the end. I couldn't tell if you meant that she's going to meet someone tonight, as in after she's walking on the beach, or before she goes for her beach walk, or on a night in the past that hasn't been referenced yet. Any clarity you could put in there would be helpful.
Nice work :)
-AmandaAuthor's Response: Thanks so much for your review. I haven't thought much about this story for quite some time. If I get a chance, I will go back and edit and fix up the ending. Thanks for pointing it out. This started as a one shot in my mind and just grew from there. Report Review
Hello! *Team Bronze*
I think you've got a great friest chapter here. I ADORE your descriptions throughout-particularly the one of a wedding ring. Just beautiful.
So I read that first paragraph and I thought: this is going to be a lovely Romione.but then.
I discover Hermione's breaking off the engagement! So an interesting build up of tension...It doesn't seem quite like Ron's character to have purposefully got Hermione a gold ring if he knew she didn't like them though.
I have a feeling this will become a Dramione.I forgot to check what ships there were.
But I really enjoyed your writing!
LWG :)Author's Response: Thanks so much :)
I admit, I'm not a hugh Ron fan at all, so the part of his character I was playing with for the ring was his lack of attention to just get anything, thinking it will do. And to Hermione it was the last thing that showed her the Ron wasn't for her, for all they had been through, she felt he hardly knew her at all. Report Review
I loved this story! I have read it so many times now heheAuthor's Response: Thank you for all your reviews. They have been most appreciated. Report Review
Awww this was cute! Poor Hermione, Oliver moved on, that's so sad! Add quickly please, Im interested to see how this ends!! :)Author's Response: It's nearly done :) I'm glad you've enjoyed it so far and I hope you enjoy the ending. Report Review
Poor hermione. So much has happend to her with three diffrent guys.Author's Response: Yeah, they have. But with every person you learn a little more about yourself and ultimately it leads you down the right path :) Report Review
Hermione is an idiot. She can't patch things up with Ron. If she needed to leave him to be happy, well thats fair but she can't expect him to want to be around her anymore, thats totally not fair.
She also sounds like a silly fourteen year old. Wondering about a guy she kissed once months ago.
Hermione needs to grow up.Author's Response: Love makes people act stupid and hold onto things that may never be. Yes, she is acting young and stupid but is ultimately confused with how she feels as her reality and her childhood dreams drift further apart. Report Review
aww bitter sweet. Can't wait for the update!!!Author's Response: Thank you. Every little bit of encouragement is nice to hear :) Report Review
This is an intriguing first chapter. I think you've really delved in deep into Hermione's feelings and exposed her raw for us readers to appreciate the turmoil she's going through. I love the comparison of the war raging inside her to the storm going around outside her - it's lovely imagery like that which makes the readers really feel.
It's sad to think of the end of Hermione and Ron's relationship, but you a wonderful job describing the divide between them and the comparisons you used were effective in getting the point across to your readers - especially the idea of them being on opposite sides of a river mouth. It's natural for people to drift apart, and as much as I think Hermione and Ron belong together forever, I think Hermione was right in her decision to not accept his proposal. Especially if this person she met has something to do with it. They've been best friends for so long and sometimes, the love that made you more just goes away, and I don't know, I'm just glad Hermione has recognized that she isn't in love with him anymore than just saying yes to his proposal because it's expected of her and then living in a loveless marriage. I think that would break my heart more than her and Ron no longer being together.
I really loved these sentences in your story: The fire, the attraction, it had all been lost to the vagrancies of time. The past had consumed all the feelings that she had every held for Ron, and she couldn’t fight the current that was pulling her away from him and towards someone else.
It's just really gorgeously written and your imagery is superb in this chapter. :)
A few minor corrections: "against the waters fury." - There should be an apostrophe in waters (water's) and then this line: "and slopped it into her jacket pocket.." I've never heard of slopped before in this context, so just wondering if you meant slipped?
Overall, what a wonderful first chapter. You drag the reader in and really make them want to stick around to read more. Great job!Author's Response: Thanks so much for such a detailed review. I was walking along a beach one day in a storm and all the sights got my creative spark going which eventually wound itself into this story.
Hermione's pretty much a mess in this chapter. She knows things aren't right but there is always that fear that things might just get worse if she decides to let go of the familiar. But she knows she doesn't love Ron anymore, they've just drifted apart.
I love that sentence too. 'Vagrancies of time' just popped into my head and I thought it sounded pretty cool so its so nice to hear that someone else thought so too.
And yes it is meant to be 'slipped' whoops. I'll fix up those few errors. Thanks for pointing them out. Report Review
HI IT'S LILY FROM RAVENCLAW~ here for the review tag :)
I find it necessary to say that you have an obvious ability to write--your descriptions and the turns in your story are all interesting. I find that you implement the idea of a biased narrator usefully as well.
The way that Hermione feels about her relationship with Ron to me doesn't sound like a doomed relationship, just one that's become less focused and probably has worn out of its 'honeymoon stage' passion (as much as using that term is hateful to me ... I couldn't think of another way to say it right then)--it seems like, you're right, they're best friends, and although it is problematic that she doesn't feel like she loves him anymore, especially since he got her a gold ring, it doesn't seem like their relationship really has to end. Maybe if they overhauled everything and started over.
So with that in mind, I think you've given yourself an interesting platform to build from. The way that Hermione sees the waves mingling with the sand on the beach as a violent act is really interesting to me, as it's never seemed violent to me personally before, and it tells us a lot about Hermione's character; that's something difficult to do without a whole lot of actual character interaction. So bravo for that :)
It's really interesting (SORRY MY THESAURUS IS ASLEEP RIGHT NOW) also that Hermione looks at her school days as condemned memories, because she obviously loed school very much. I think if she feels strongly enough about Ron for him to be able to reduce her passion for learning to the idea of something painful, she doesn't quite understand what it actually is she feels for him yet, and that will be fun to play with as the story progresses.
Over all, great job! The only real concern I have for this is some of the wording; it's eloquent in a way but you want language to look effortless somehow. This looks like it's trying a bit too hard--don't force things to be beautiful. Don't try to write a big story with big themes--just try to explore a relationship if that's what the story wants to do, and I know that you can do that well :)
-lilyAuthor's Response: thanks so much for such a thorough review. And I'm glad you mentioned that I do have an ability to write. It's always nice to get some reassurance.
There relationship wasn't doomed as such, but Hermione was tired of fighting what was feeling like a loosing battle. Basically she is at that point where she's in the relationship for the sack of it and is afraid of the change. More of this is revealed in later chapter.
I have a thing for the sea and the sand from living close to the beach. Its such a calm place but then can also be so violent when in the midst of a storm. The coast just takes on a totally different life. It's awesome that you thought it reflected so well with Hermione's state of mind.
I might have been a little strong with my word choice in 'condemned memories'. She still loved learning and most of school, she just wanted to forget the war. I'll have another look at that.
Thanks also for your last comment about wording. I know what you mean and I'll make a concerted effort to make sure I don't over do things. Thanks again. This has been a brilliant review. Report Review
great chapter three. I think hermione is makeing the right decision . She was unhappy before Oliver showed up. But thats just how I see it.Author's Response: I think Hermione is making the right decision as well. She was unhappy, it just took her a little bit of time to realise it. Thanks for your review :D Report Review
Hello! This was a good start to a story. For all the Romione shippers out there, Hermione and Ron are very different people and you approached this falling out of love quite well. Hermione's thoughts are rational and believable.
The only part that stuck out, for me, was the first paragraph. Hermione has always been a very logical thinker, and rarely or never judges things by appearances. I understand that there can be an expectation for men to know their almost-fiance's ring preferences, but considering Ron's cluelessness and Hermione's reason, I find it difficult to believe she would care so much that Ron got her a gold ring instead of white-gold. Irritation yes, but as a final straw sort of thing, maybe not. Just a suggestion. ;)
Thought at first I was concerned that this would a typical feeling-sorry-for-myself first chapter, you added that bit about the end and cleared up any worries. It keeps the reader's interest, and just has a nice sound to it in general, with the phrase "engagement ring sitting in her pocket" ringing in your mind (no pun intended!) after the chapter's over.
So well done, it was a nice read and I'll check back in a bit for chapter two.Author's Response: Thanks for the review and your thoughts. It's always nice to know that things are believable and my characters thoughts are rational.
The gold ring wasn't the final straw as such. It was more the final confirmation that Ron didn't really know her at all, even after seven years. She had been with him so long and could tell you everything he liked or didn't like, but he wouldn't be able to do the same for her. She realised that she would always be left disappointed, but it didn't have to be that way. I'll have a read over and see if I can make this clearer. Report Review
Can't wait. Its interesting. I like the oliver twist. Thats new to me. ...Omg I just re read that when preveiwing. Oliver twist..its a book.. Ok Loved this chapter. Need to stop reveiwing so early in the morning. Makes me crazyAuthor's Response: hehe...Oliver Twist...I like Oliver, he's a somewhat under rated character but quite driven and I think that's what Hermione likes in people, a drive, a dream and a focus. Report Review
I am loving this story! I also think the chapters are a bit short but where they are ending feels right when you are reading it.
I am looking forward to reading chapter 3!
EmmanuelleAuthor's Response: The finished product of this story is a lot different from what I first thought it would be. It was just one long story and I went back and broke it into chapters where I felt they naturally fell. They are much shorter than I normally write but I think it's just the nature of this story.
Thanks for leaving a review. I'm really happy you're enjoying it :D Report Review
loved it! where is the rest?Author's Response: It's coming.I just put up the new chapter for validation today. So give it a week and it will be up :) Report Review
I really like this. It's a very original take on a break-up (most of them have Ron cheating on Hermione) which is always good to see, and your characterisation is pretty much perfect as well - especially when you're talking about their relationship. I'm really interested to see where this goes - and what happens to Ron, as well as Hermione.
Aph xxAuthor's Response: Thanks for the review. I know what you mean about Ron cheating. I don't really see him doing that sort of thing. I'm glad you like the characterisations of Ron and Hermione too :) Report Review
Ooh... generally I am a pretty big R/Hr person, but this is really interesting!
What I liked best about this was the way you portrayed their relationship. Something that I noticed a lot when reading Hermione with someone else, especially Draco (I know this isn't a Dramione, but just something I've noticed! :P), is that Ron is shown as a selfish pig and slob and just a generally no-good person.
What I liked here was that it was just somebody falling out of love. There isn't a big fight, she still likes him as her best friend - but it isn't love anymore. It was refreshing to read something realistic and true and a bit bittersweet, so that's great!
Grammar was good. Everything flowed nicely. I spotted a couple of spelling errors, but they were minor and I didn't really noticed them very much.
I'm really curious to see where this ends up and I'm looking forward to reading more! I love where this story is going. Wonderful job! :)Author's Response: I'm not really a R/Hr person...I have a bad habit of completely destroying Ron's character. In terms of some of my other stories, he came out pretty well in this one. You're right, Hermione just fell out of love with him, he didn't do anything to cause her to lose her love, it just happened. Thanks for taking the time to review. Report Review
Hello there! How're ya going? :) Just stopping by to leave a review for ya for the Blue vs Bronze Battle currently taking place. Obviously you've entered it too, so good luck as well! :)
What caught my eye about this one was the upcoming romance that would no doubt take place between Oliver and Hermione. I find Oliver to be a highly underrated character, as he is definitely one of my favourites, and I was very happy to see that he'd be a key character in your story. Can't wait to see how you go characterising him! :)
I found Hermione in this to be quite her canon self and easy to engage with, and I liked how you developed her character to suit her age as well. You managed to capture her mindset in this peice very nicely, well done :)
There were a few silly spelling mistakes throughout this that I did pick up on which were a shame, and there were also a few run on sentences and sentences using mostly "him" and "her" descriptions, which can get a little confusing at times. Try working on your sentence structure a little bit to include names a couple more times, just to break up the bulk a little and personalise your story a little more to help engage the reader, and dont forget about our lovely friend commas, rather than using "and" all the time, as it can really drag a sentence out which can become confusing at times for readers and distracting too. You can sometimes end up lost within a sentence due to the dreaded "and" appearing too many times and causing problems... :)
A very nice start to your story though regardless, I thought your description of the beach and the wind to be quite good as well, as it carried throughout the story seemlessly, well done! Can't wait to read the next chapter shortly, nice work! :)Author's Response: I like Oliver too. He seemed the perfect person for Hermione, a little bit older then her and determined in his pursuits. I'm really happy you thought I got Hermione right. She is older, but in essence, her personality and traits are still the same.
I'll have a read through and correct the mistakes. Thanks for the review. Report Review
A very well written chapter.
I look forward to reading more.
EmmanuelleAuthor's Response: Thank you. A new chapter will be up in the next week or so so look out for it :) Report Review
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